I'm very depressing,aren't I?
Richard Ashcroft of The Verve once said,"the drugs don't work."
How wrong he was.
I don't agree with Mr.Ashcroft.The drugs certainly do work,and succeed in their duty.They slowly numb a person over time so that they inevitably become a hollow,empty shell of a person.No longer a person,even.They just hover around,completely oblivious to the world around them.
Y'know,I'm meant to be on these pills for the rest of my life.These small,white little ovals do so much damage to someone's mind.They don't physically change your symptoms:you are still that same moody,paranoid bitch no-one wants to hang out with,the bottle is just slapped with a sticker and so is welcomed into the world.
Over the past eighteen months I have changed-not just physically,but mentally.My opinion has become less and less important,and this is coming from me,possibly the most opinionated person out there.I have absolutely no interest whatsoever in my former hobbies and don't give a fuck about my appearance.My beautiful Strat lies abandoned in her case and I simply float around in sweatpants and hoodies.My make-up bag,stuffed with foundation and mascara and eye-kohl,is thrown in the corner of my room,untouched.I haven't put on any make-up in several months.
My social life is no more;I have about four friends-currently-who all probably hate me.I can't really say I blame them,of course.They want to go clubbing or go shopping or go checking out hot local guys-or lack there of.I just mutter I want to be alone,and they leave,raising eyebrows and tapping temples.I've noticed one particular friend hasn't contacted me in weeks.Pity,really.
Of course,there is another option:stop taking them.Then it's a great,euphoric life.Full of excitement,happiness and inspiration!I have thoughts and emotions again,I hang out with friends and I ace all my tests.Music has a new feeling.I always associate Muse's song Bliss with that sorta feeling.
But then....what comes around goes around.When I'm inhaling those little white pills like air,I'm just this......horrible excuse for a girl.
As you're reading this,I can tell you're thinking wow,this emo kid has some serious problems,she's so depressed.Well,I'm not depressed.
I'm not really anything anymore.