FicWad

Unfortunately, when I woke up next, I was definitely not in heaven or hell. Instead, I was still on the cushy bed in my parents' bedroom. Everything continued to hurt. My body felt like a carriage had run over it and even opening my eyes was a chore. Once I finally managed to open my right eye just a tiny crack, I choked, "Mother?"

Footsteps sounded in the doorway and my mother came racing into the room. She smiled when she saw I was awake. Leaning down over me, she put a hand on my forehead and stated, "Oh dear, you still have a fever. Besides for that, how are you doing? Can I get you anything perhaps?" She looked very concerned and sincere. It was like she actually cared about me.

I thought about it for a moment and realized my throat was still very dry. I longed for alcohol, but I couldn't exactly go asking my own mother for it. So instead, I just whispered, "Water, please. I'm so thirsty." Nodding, mother replied, "Of course, dear. I'll be right back with the water and a wet cloth. We need to see if we can get that fever of yours to go away."

I watched her leave the room and tried to remember what exactly had happened to me. All I could remember was a blur of pain and my own screaming. I wished I could remember what had gone on, but my brain was blank. A few seconds later, mother came racing back into the room with a glass of water and a wet cloth. She laid the wet cloth on my forehead and handed me the water.

I took the water eagerly, spilling a tiny bit in the process. Not worried about that, I started drinking. Unfortunately, I sputtered on it and started choking. But god, the water felt so good as it washed down my throat. I raised it to my lips again and started gulping it down until the entire glass was gone. Looking up at my mother, I asked, "What happened? Everything hurts."

Mother gave me a funny look and replied, "You were pregnant, remember?" My brain spun. Me? Pregnant? It took me a good minute before I remembered that I had been having Cutler's baby. Damn my slow mind. Suddenly alarmed, I tried to jerk up into a sitting position in bed and started coughing and choking all over again. Mother pushed me back onto the pillow.

When my coughing finally ceased, I looked at mother in alarm and asked, "Where's my baby?" A sinking feeling formed in my stomach. Not sure if I really wanted to know the answer to my question, I guessed, "It's dead, isn't it?" I never remembered getting it out all the way. But if I hadn't gotten it out all the way, where was it now? Lots of questions swam in my foggy head.

"No, it's not dead," my mother replied. "You had a little boy." A boy? He had lived? But how? Unsure how to get all those questions out at once, I asked, "Where is he now? I want to see him! I don't remember having him though." Mother nodded and replied, "I know you don't. Father and I were afraid we were going to lose you and the baby. We had to help pull him the rest of the way out. We figured you were dead by then, but apparently you're a little fighter after all."

Unfortunately, she was very right. I had come so close to death so many times and yet, it never seemed like I could quite cross the barrier. Frowning, I dismissed that thought for the time being and looked around the room, saying, "I want to see him." Sighing, my mother nodded. She got up and disappeared from the room to fetch my baby.

I can't express just how happy I was that it had lived. If I had killed Cutler's child from all my drinking abuse, I would never have been able to forgive myself. A few moments later, my mother stepped back into the room holding a little bundle in her arms. Excitedly, I reached out my arms for the bundle. Would the baby have my eyes or Cutler's eyes?

Mother but the little bundle in my arms. I eagerly unwrapped him from the blankets and held him up. The baby had been napping and when he saw me, he blinked and gave me an annoyed look for interrupting his nap. Smiling at him, I looked all over his little, chubby body. His skin was pale; the exact shade of Cutler's skin. And those eyes...those were my Cutler's eyes.

I suddenly grew sad as I looked at the newborn. If only Cutler was here to see him. The little baby looked at me curiously now that he was awake and reached towards me. I brought him to me and held him against his chest. Feeling that little heartbeat against my own, i couldn't help but smile. It was wonderful how Cutler and I had formed such a sweet little thing.

The baby grabbed the edge of the neckline of my dress and tugged on it. Wondering what he was doing, I shot a confused look at mother. She quickly explained, "He's probably hungry. You might want to feed him. Here, I'll turn around so I won't make you uncomfortable." Mother turned around and walked to the window to give me some privacy.

Unsure of why she was giving me privacy, I looked at her blankly until the thought of breastfeeding finally crossed my mind. Not quite certain how to do this, I slowly tugged my dress down slightly to expose my breasts. Biting my lip, I wondered if it was going to hurt. I had never breastfed anything before, so this was going to be a very new experience.

Despite the fact that I wasn't sure what to do, the newborn obviously did. He grabbed my breast with both little hands and latched on to my nipple and started suckling fervently. I looked down and watched him feed from me, thinking that the last time someone had been sucking on my nipple was when Cutler and I had still been making love when he was still alive.

The thought of Cutler made me depressed again. Why couldn't Cutler be here? I wanted him here so bad. He deserved to be here with me and the baby we had created together. I knew I couldn't raise it on my own. Somehow, I was going to have to find a way to keep this little newborn safe, healthy, and happy. But how? My mind reached another blank.

The newborn had stopped suckling by now. I lifted him away from my chest and held him out with one hand as I tugged my dress back up with the other. He hung limply from my hand, blinking peacefully now that he had a full belly. I put my hand on the little bump on his stomach and giggled as I cradled him in my arms. He was so damn cute!

Mother turned around and looked over at me to see if I was done feeding him. She smiled at the view of the little baby tucked up against my chest. Mother walked back across the room and peered down at the two of us, saying, "He certainly is a sweet one, that's for sure." I nodded fervently. Of course he was sweet! Anything made from Cutler had to be adorable.

Abruptly, my mother's face darkened and she held her arms out for my baby. I gave her a frown as I felt myself growing sleepy and asked, "What? I want to hold him. He can sleep on me." I tucked him protectively against my chest. The baby made a little sleepy noise and put his hands on me as he slept. Aw, could you get anymore sweet? I doubted it.

Mother hesitated as if she was debating whether or not to say something. Finally, she sighed and gave me a matter-of-fact look as she said, "You know you're not going to be able to keep this baby, don't you?" My eyes opened wide at her statement. Now why in the world wouldn't I be able to keep it? I had actually been thinking that my parents, me, and the baby could all live here.

Unfortunately, in that plan, I would have to find some sort of job so I could help support myself and the baby and pay my parents back for their accommodations. Even though this wasn't the best of plans, I decided to voice it aloud to my mother, saying, "Well, I was kind of hoping you could help me take care of it. We can all live here together. I'll get a job and pay for a room..."

I trailed off when mother held up a hand for me to stop. I could tell by the dark look that was still etched on her face that she didn't like my plan at all. Finally, she sighed and said, "That's not going to work, Jenna. This baby of yours is certainly not Ian Mercer's child, is it? It had to be someone else's. How else would it get those blue eyes?"

Deciding that I really couldn't deny it, I said, "No, this isn't Mr. Mercer's baby. Why?" Avoiding my eye, mother replied, "You're going to get married again, Jenna. Your father and I will arrange another marriage for you. The two of us will take care of the baby and you will pretend like you never had a child to please your new husband."

My mother's words spun around in my head. So she actually expected me to get married again after all this? No fucking way. I had just had Cutler's baby. I would not betray him by going off and getting married with someone else. My vision blurred as I panicked and I said faintly, "A new h-husband?" Everything started shaking and two seconds later, I had fainted.

Other the next few weeks as I got better, I tried to devise a plan to keep the baby and me safe and together. Deep inside my heart, I knew that if I wanted to stay with my child that I would have to run away. I didn't particularly like this plan. After all, as long as I stayed here at my parent's home, I could easily take care of the child. On my own, I would probably start drinking again.

Actually, to be honest, I had already been battling with my alcohol addiction. The only reason why I hadn't gotten any yet was because I was still pretty weak and mother didn't like the idea of me going out on my own just yet. So instead, here I was in bed still. There was really no reason to be in bed anymore. I could easily get up and walk around at this point.

Currently, I was sitting up in bed and playing with the baby when my mother came in the room. She smiled when she saw the baby on my lap and came to sit on the bed next to me. Raising an eyebrow, she looked up at me and asked, "Have you thought about any names for him yet? He is a few weeks old by now and we can't keep calling him 'baby' for the rest of his life."

She did have a point there. My brain spun as I tried to think of a suitable name for him. I would name him after his father, but Cutler was a rather odd name and I didn't want him to be teased for it. After a few moments of thinking, I came to a decision and said, "James. I'll call him James." You know exactly why I named him James, so I don't think I need to explain the reasoning.

"James?" my mother said thoughtfully. "I like it. It seems to fit." I nodded and replied, "Yes, it does. I knew someone named James once." Thoughts of James Norrington filled my head. I painted a picture of James in my head with his tall and thin stature, his gorgeous green eyes, the curve of his lips, and the feel of his arms around me.

Noticing the tears that had started swimming in my eyes, my mother gently rested a hand over mine and asked softly, "Was James the father of this child?" Blinking, I jerked myself out of my trance and returned to reality. Looking from little baby James to my mother, I shook my head and replied, "No. James and I were only friends. That was all."

"Oh," mother replied with a nod. She waited for a few moments to see if I would say more. I didn't. Talking about James only made me very upset. It hadn't helped how I had been there to watch his death. Finally, my mother couldn't help herself anymore. She had to ask the question that she and father had wondered for a while, "Then who was the father?"