Pain?....Rain?....Personal Gain? Or A Life In Vain?..this means nothing..it just rhymes.
"well..." i began, smoothly and clearly. i ran the palms of my hands against the soft grass until suddenly something sharp and almost razor like sliced my palm open. i flinched but did not make a noise. the pain was immense but i did not need to scream aloud for screaming wasn't gonna make it better. I looked down and saw it was my razor…the one which nearly killed me. I picked it up carefully and slipped it behind my back. I wasn’t gonna let anyone see. I guess I just had to let it bleed.
"frank...you stopped halfway through a sentence, are you okay..?" mikey asked. i put on a fake smile and laughed.
"oh i'm fine...as i was saying, me and gerard just talked and i kissed him...and we talked more...nothing much." i blurted out and felt a blush creep along my face. the girls started cooing over me which made me blush even more. before i knew it the girls were enchanted in their own conversations and us guys were talking about something else. I didn’t know really, I wasn’t paying attention. I was too focused on not letting anyone see, I didn’t need another scar.
“FRANK!” ray yelled so loud that everyone stopped talking. I felt all eyes on me, and I didn’t like it. You see, I was a very hyper guy when I was okay but, I was terrified of speaking when I was in pain. That cut on my palm was bleeding heavily and the blood was like fire.
“What?” I asked. Ray threw his hands up sarcastically in the air.
“we’ve been talking for a good 15 minutes and you have said NOTHING!” mikey yelled, but not as loud as ray. I felt so claustrapohobic. The pain in my hand was growing, I kept the hand behind my back.
“Sorry.” I sighed. Gerard looked at me with concern, as did kat. I shifted uncomfortably.
“what are you hiding behind your back Frankie?” abi asked with a quiet voice. I looked at her. At all of them. Why was I hiding my blood for gerard? I guess I was just a coward.
“oh…nothing!” I smiled fakely. Gerard gave me a look, the type of look which said ‘tell me now or die bitch’. I sighed and nodded at him.
“frank, please tell me.” Gerard pleaded. His eyes were melting and so was my heart. I sighed but kept my hand behind my back. The blood was still gushing out and I felt a bit light headed. I didn’t want gerard to see me like that, all weak and bloody…but I guess I had no choice.
“guys…I cut myself……..by accident and it really hurts.” I whimpered. God I sounded pathetic. Gerards face dropped and showed severe worry. Abi and jazz got up and searched through their bags.
“what are you doing?” me and gerard said, practically at the same time. I smiled but gerard did not. I sighed.
“I have bandages and jazz has medicinal alcohol.” Abi chimed before taking a soft white bandage out of her bag.
“I Have Vodka….Will That Help?” megan piped up. I smiled and shook my head.
“oh never mind….who’s in the mood for a shot then?!” megan laughed. I nodded and received a worried look off of gee. I smiled and let meg pour me a shot for after my ‘wound cleansing’.
Jazz came up to me and smiled, as did abi. Gerard was holding my hand tight whilst I hid the other one.
“what cut?” jazz asked. I looked up and saw gee, jazz, abi, meg, mikey, ray, kat and bob all staring at me….i felt like a fucking freak.
“my hand.” I whimpered before showing it to her. I shut my eyes, I didn’t want to see it.
frank showed us his hand. Oh god, poor little Frankie! It was gushing out blood and it was a very deep cut. Why didn’t he tell us?! I squeezed franks free hand hard and he opened his eyes, those deep hazel eyes. I smiled and so did frank, but it was a weak smile...one that showed pain and insecurity. He looked down to his hand and gasped, shutting his eyes tight.
“are you okay Frankie?” I asked. Frankie shock his head violently.
“I don’t like open wounds…unless they are self-inflicted..” Frank said but whispered the last bit, probably hoping I didn’t hear him. His voice was small and weak.
“sshhh, s’okay Frankie.” I cooed and frank smiled.
“okay…now frank…this is gonna hurt a little bit, okay?” jazz smiled through gritted teeth. Frankie nodded and I felt him tense up. Jazz screwed open the lid of the medical…whatever, and poured it over frankies hand. The clear liquid turned a diluted red and Frankie bit his lip in pain.
“I’m almost done Frankie!” jazz cooed and smiled. She poured the last drop onto frankie’s palm and grinned. The blood had stopped flowing and now it just looked like a gaping whole in his skin. I shuddered at it, chills desending down my spine.
“don’t worry gee! I’ve a a lot worse than that!” Frankie chimed but I noticed the sadness In his voice when he refered to the regular beatings his parents gave him. I put on a small smile and nodded sheepishly. Abi leant forward to Frankie and went to bandage up his wound. Frankie pulled away.
“No…wait a second.” Frank rushed his words and started to dig through his bag. I watched him and saw various shit in his bag. Books, pencils, pens, something silver….wait? something silver? The object was still in view and I let my eyes ‘zoom in’ more. It was a bloodied razor blade, a very big one. I felt my stomach knot up and remembered that there was still a razor on the ground. I scanned the floor and saw it, a small razor almost dyed red with frankies blood. My stomach knotted up more.
“frank…I’m getting rid of this.” I said flatly as I picked it up carefully with my jacket sleeves. Frank turned and faced me, his eyes growing wider with fear when he saw to object in my hands. He sighed and agreed, but I had a feeling he had more than a couple. Frank went back to looking in his bag.
“Yes! Here it is!” frank grinned before pulling out a needle and thread. The needle was clean which surprised me.
“why do you have that?” bob asked, finally deciding to talk. Bob hasn’t been the same since the day frank almost…passed. I guess it was just guilt. Frankie turned to face us and smiled before his face fell when he realised what bob had asked.
“oh….. I’ve had it in my bag for as long as I can remember. I use it to…patch myself up…basically.” Frank sighed. He looked at us and gave us a reassuring look before plunging the pointy strip of metal into his flesh. I winced slightly and watched frank stich his hand together. He did it with such elegance and ease. It looked as if it came naturally to frank, which made my heart crumple slightly. How could anyone be used to such pain? I fucking cried when I stubbed my toe against a wall and frank? He can fucking stick needles in himself and be ‘a-ok’. Frank was a lot stronger than he seemed.
“aaaaaannnddd….done.” frank smiled, clearly pleased with himself. He held out his hand for us all to see. It looked so great, I wouldn’t have been able to do that! It Looked professional except for the string/wire he used to sow himself up was neon green…still I guess. I couldn’t look at it, just the thought of knowing he stuck a needle in himself was enough to make me pass out. I have a deathly fear of needles you see. Thank god frank sowed himself up, out of my own view…
“Frankie? Are you okay?” ray asked, downing his vodka shot megan had given him. Frankie grinned and nodded before downing his own shot. I winced slightly. I used to be an alcoholic when I was 15 but i was sober now. I sighed and watched frank ask for another shot.
“another frank? Okay, I guess…then I’m cutting you off…we don’t need you doing anything stupid.” Megan grinned but whispered the last bit. Frankie put down his shot glass and sighed. He heard.
“you’re right megan…I will do something stupid, I know it.” He whispered. I felt my heart sink slightly. Frank didn’t trust himself alone, or drunk…or just…himself. He needed a self confidence boost.
“aww frank, that’s not true.” I cooed and wrapped my arms around his little frame. This time I was worried. I could feel every fucking bone he had. Just then a tiny raindrop attacked my nose. I smiled. I loved to rain. I looked up and saw dark black clouds swirling in the sky. It looked almost…angry. I squinted my eyes and looked up into the clouds. Suddenly a clap of thunder erupted and sent chills down franks frail spine. I felt every little tingle from frankie’s back, from his neck to his lower back. The rain started and drenched us all in a matter of seconds. It was a terrible storm, I hadn’t seen one like this in years.
“Gee!!!” Frankie yelped and snuggled into my arms.
“what is it Frankie, hun?” I asked as Frankie shook gently in my arms.
“i-I hate thunder.” He whispered before a streak of lightning shot through the sky and thunder rumbled again. This made frank even more terrified. I stood up and lifted Frankie to his feet.
“come on…lets go home.” I sighed before throwing frank a cheeky grin. Franks face froze in pure horror.
“h-home?” he stuttered. Frank was literally shitting himself now with fear. How stupid am I really? I wasn’t letting out of my fucking sights!!!
“frank, you’re coming round mine tonight. No buts, okay.” I said and grasped frankies hand in a vice like grip. Frankie nodded, un able to speak, probably because he was cold. Everyone else stood up and smiled before running off, over the fields, trying to stay dry.
“lets go frank, run with me!” I grinned before hugging Frankie and picking him up in my arms. He was way to light. I pushed that thought to the back of my mind and ran across the field with Frankie in my arms, bridal style.
“I love you gee.” Frankie grinned. My heart swelled.
“I love you more frankieeeee!” I yelled and picked up speed. I couldn’t wait to spend a night with my little Frankie, my sweetheart, my lover.
I’m so fucking sorry it took so long…as you know…writers block is a worthy advisory so this chapters a little…bleh.
Please R&R and I will try and update regularly and sorry for the lack of regular okayness I have….we all have our bad days right….or bad week in my case lol :). Thanks for reading :D