Categories > Anime/Manga > Naruto > Gaara's Hidden Heart
Gaara's Hidden Heart
1 reviewthis is a story about how the sand Demon Gaara finds a true love in ways he never expected..... JUST FINISHED IT. MAKE SURE YOU READ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-1Illiterate
Reviews
Gaara's Hidden Heart
(#) ZENI7H 2011-05-22
Okay... I have a good amount to say probably so... let's get to it.
First... your spelling and punctuation are absolutely atrocious. When writing a story, you've got to take these things into account. Not only should use spell-check, but you should manually proof-read as well. I kept wanting to get into your story to fall into the plot and live it like I was there... but the grammar and misspelling and punctuation continuously pulled me back and forced me to look at it as a story instead of an experience, you really, really need to work on that if you want people to read your work and take it seriously.
see the following:
misspellings:
"Oh, shite, i didn't think you would be"
should be 'shit'
"he was georgous."
gorgeous
"sudenlly the queer boy was letting go"
suddenly
"He truthuly said."
Truthfully
other misspelled words:
"beautiful"
"realized"
"kept"
"Kazekage"
"kunai"
"man"
"It was a girls from, i could tell my the girly clothes."
did you mean it was a girl's room?
Also contractions have apostrophes in them... NONE of yours did.
can't, don't, won't, didn't
I'm is not spelled 'im'
You have to capitalize "I" every time you use it by itself as a pronoun.
you have to capitalize the first word in every quote, all dialog, every sentence, every person's name...
Okay now we come to randomly added words left out words etc:
"some how desperate to me from going outside"
should be: to keep me
"As much as i wanted look away, but i kept looking into his black eyes."
take out the but, there's no reason for a conjunction with a dependent clause
"Kiki replied Sadly."
no reason to cap sadly...
"When he put ''Kill Bill'' he sat"
put kill bill on...
Misc other grammar:
"2 hours later"
don't start a paragraph with a number write it out...
"OMG Kiki, your alive. I so thought you were dead"
don't use online acronyms in stories.
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Okay, now despite the grammar issues I can tell you put alot of time and some effort into writing this. There's a definite story flow and you have some creative ideas, which is great.
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The second major issue with the story was things that don't match up or don't make sense.
Story inconsistencies:
"be quick, the mall closes soon.''
you just said that temari didn't think she'd be up this early.
"When we got there i was dumbstruck, it was huge." [the mall]
^ presumably kiki could not have run away very far in a couple hours... therefore it is unlikely this mall is one she's never heard of or seen before...
You said she took gaara and temari and kakuro with her though you don't specify what to, it seems to imply she's going home.
why is gaara and co going with kiki when you just said they had a mission for the kazekage? they wouldn't bring her cuz she's a nobody and they wouldn't go with her in place of the mission because the kazekage is more important.
"I got up and opened the door to my balcony"
um she was sleeping in a cave resting after a 2-hr walk... while temari and kakuro went for food...there's no balcony...and no door...
Okay and now things that don't line up with the Naruto universe:
"As much as i wanted look away, but i kept looking into his black eyes."
gaara's eyes are green
why is there snow in the sand-village? it's a desert... yet Kiki nearly froze to death in it?
at then end why are tenten and neji sparring anywhere near the sand village? also it wouldn't take neji 2 minutes to find her.
Things that don't really make logical sense:
The first paragraph you say kiki was in alot of pain. why? she got in a fight with her parents, ran away and then went to sleep in snow? she could be cold, stiff maybe... but where did the pain come from?
"It was a girls from, i could tell my the girly clothes."
you mean it was a girls room? and if you're referring to the girly clothes the character is now wearing... how does that make the room she's sleeping in necessarily a girl's room?
"i thought i would mention my name incase she thought of some terrible nickname for me."
er.. what evidence is there to suggest she might do that?
"we slowly fought until a red-headed boy appeared"
it was probably quick and fierce though one-sided not slow...
and also she's rescued by temari's brother she just discovered and rather then thank her or ask to leave she just decides to dart around the place hoping to come across an exit?
"Temari offered to take Kiki shopping."
er... she just met this girl doesn't know a thing about her and now they're going shopping? not why were you sleeping in snow, why were you half-dead... where's your family? let's go shopping?
"OMG Kiki, your alive. I so thought you were dead"
why would she assume she was dead if she was only gone a few hours? why wouldn't she think she ran to a friends place or something?
"if i go home she will make me goto America, to that gay dance school."
^ umm... wtf? that was completely randomly thrown in there... and never mentioned before or after this.
"I can help you stay off."
stay off what? did you maybe mean stay here?
"I know Temari was trying to be helpful but she was a real pain in the ass, treating me like im 4 years old"
ya cuz kiki woke up crying randomly and wouldn't tell anyone what's wrong she's moping around the house that isn't hers saying she wants to stay there... and now she's thinking temari is a pain in the ass after she just took her to the mall and bought her all kinds a shit? Somebody is rather ungrateful...
"After i finally convinced Temari to let me go, i was 10 minutes late."
er to what? its not as if anybody knows where she is...
"Todays the day i start school"
wth what happened to the mission? did it succeed? what about her never going home? that's just cool with everybody including her sister and parents, school, the police who should be looking for her by now...
"i heard a scream and a banging sound. As i was still a ninja, i decided to go and check it out. "
what!? a ninja? failed to mention that earlier, ps how does a ninja get caught half dead sleeping in the snow... no survival training?
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As you can see some of these things don't quite line up. Now I know it looks like I'm just tearing this story down, but the truth is I can see creativity and an artful mind that developed this story and tried to put it to paper. The thing is an author's creativity is a wonderful thing in his or her mind, but all the aspects of the picture of the author's mind are not in the readers. You have to describe it and put it all there for them to get the same idea and ambiance and picture that you do. It seems like some of this story just got lost in translation.
I do hope you continue writing and I hope you take my advice in grammar and planning out your story as you write it before you do. And once you do write it make sure that it makes sense and follows logically.
I do hope to see more from you in the future. Feel free to msg me if you have any questions about writing in general or my review.
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