There last song to perform was MAMA, witch Gerard himself loved to play live, he gave it his all as tired as he was and bounced around on stage to the catching tunes that could drive you insane in a near moment of being lost.
‘She said you aint no son of mine, for what you’ve done there gonna find a place for you and just your mind your manners when you go, and when you go don’t return to me my love! That’s right. Mama we all go to hell, mama we all go to hell, its really quite pleasant except for the smell…’ He dived in the verse of repeating mama, then prepared for what was next.
Frank jumped forward and Gerard got a chance to grab a hold of his chin and they looked at each other while he sang.
‘And if you would call me your sweetheart, id maybe then sing you a song.’
He moved away from Gerard and strummed harder bouncing his head to the melodic music that he himself was creating as well.
‘But there’s shit that ive done with this fuck of a gun you would cry out your eyes all along!’ ‘I wanna see you sway back and forth to this fucking part!’ He yelled making the crowd listen to him and raise there hands swaying back and forth as he did the same.
‘Were damned after all! Through fortune and flame we fall, and if you can stay than I’ll show you the way to return from the ashes you call. We all carry on! When our brother in arms are gone! So raise your glass high for tomorrow we die and return from the ashes you call!’ He made an agonizing scream at the end that soon came into a fake sob, some of the crowd were laughing at him. He smiled and winked to the crowd then leaving the stage.1
I could still hear the crowd roar there approval to our playing, I smiled a bit satisfied as I high-fived Frank, him smiling even wider than I was and then hugging ray who was hugging everybody after the show.
We were all sweating and a shower sounded nice for the moment, but first a small puff of a cigarette was needed desperately.
“Now we have a small week break, right?” Bob asked already sitting on the couch and smoking, I nodded and sat across from him him handing me the lighter and then me lighting the cigarette and taking a puff.
“Oh I cant wait, we get to see family and everybody!” I exclaimed finding a water bottle and taking a sip out of it, then dunking it all over my head, hair soaked already from sweat. “I think we all need it.” Frank seemed lost in his own world staring at me, his eyes were giving that dreamy look, did I have something on my face? I blinked at him until he snapped out of it and then looked away to the floor in front of him.
“What’s the matter?” Ray made frank jump as he sat down next to him and then gave him this concerned look, I smiled knowing something.3
I shook my head at Ray, who fucking startled the shit out of me. I stood up and went into the dark lit hall trying to recoup my mind and thinking back to the show, there was that moment that I thought about, the kiss during our other tours. Secretly he didn’t know that I was falling for him, yes a guy who was indeed bi but supposed to be my best friend. I frowned and lit the cigarette taking it all in.
“Are you alright?” I jumped again looking at Bob, the eerie blue glow in the hall made him more paler than usual.
“Holy-! Bob you scared me, what do you mean am I alright? I’m fine, what’s up?” My words came out a little jumbled because of how he scared me. He gave a smile while flicking his cigarette to the concrete floor and stomping on it.
“You seem kinda stressed.”
“Hard show.” I quickly covered up with a smile, he nodded and I was relieved he let it go a bit.
“Did jumping off that amp hurt your leg much?” He laughed.
“Oh yeah, only a little…” I let out a small breathy laugh and flicked my cigarette to the floor as well. He was about to say something else, but Mikey pushed past with a mumble that sounded like ‘The bus is loaded.’ Ray followed soon after and gave me a pat on the shoulder and a smile, he was always so damn happy after shows.
I took in a deep breath, looking up at Gerard, his eyes met mine and he smiled, dropping the cigarette to the floor and stepping on it.
I was lost in those eyes again.
Bob stared back and forth at us, with an unending smile that I noticed, so I broke the stare and looked away to something else that was of less interest.
“Are we going to the hotel now?” Bob asked, Gerard nodded and he walked down the hall with me and Bob following I felt so stupid. I had to stop staring, maybe one day that would kinda freak him out or something.
In the RV I was relieved that we were away from the crowd, I sat next to the window peering out into the open. Taking a sigh now and then I didn’t want my tired eyes to fall downward just yet.
“Frankie, does your leg hurt?” I turned my head and saw Gerard looking at me a little worried, taking a long drink out of a water bottle.
“Naw, im fine” I said a little fast and he seemed a bit skeptical about it. I just decided to get up and go to the back for a quick change instead of being interrogated any further.
I went into the closet and went through loads of black clothing that were either Gerard’s or Mickey’s, I wasn’t so sure. I grabbed some black pants and a red and black stripped shirt stripping momentarily and changing into a much less sweat soaked shirt and jeans.
I leaned forward almost falling over as the bus stopped, we must have made it to the hotel or something I figured. I walked back out of the room and saw Gerard stand along with Bob, the rest were getting out of the bus already.
“Maybe he just wants to be emo…” Bob said then looked back at me wide eyed, I gave him a smile that said ‘fuck off’. Gee let out a small laugh seeming to like it and then walked out of the bus, I pushed past Bob who tried to say something but I ignored it only wanting a room, a bed, and maybe even a shower.
Getting on some stable land I stretched and yawned throwing my arms up over my head relieved that I would be able to maybe take a small nap, that plane ride before the show did something to my neck.
I let out a small surprised gasp as a hand half hugged me around the waist then let go, Gerard smiled at me and walked by as if he didn’t do anything.
What the hell? Why did he hug me?
“Hey frank! Come help unpack!” I turned with a frown at Brian schetcher who was already unloading some bags. “Were gonna stay in the hotel for a little while.” I nodded and walked over feeling a little weird after Gerard gave me that half hug.
Don’t think about it, nothing to think about. I warned my idiotic brain and then started to grab some bags chucking them over my shoulder and leaving to find my room.
I stopped at room 114, up some fucking elevators that made me a little light headed and sick, and now I was on the second floor looking at the door and trying to get out the card I was getting out of my pocket.
Finally being able to open the door I put the card in my mouth and let myself in hearing someone in the shower, damn you lazy fuck. My turn! I threw the bags on the bed and noticed there were only two, right…I was to stay with two other dudes in this room, and the other three in another room.
Who was in the shower?
I decided no to bother and collapsed my tired body on the bed, shutting my eyes I didn’t think I would doze off so fast.
A while later I heard the shower being tuned off, I was awake but kept my eyes closed not feeling like opening them.
But then the bathroom door opened, without thinking I sat up in the bed looking at Gerard in a towel, he clutched the towel tighter and gave me an odd look that soon took over with a small smile.
Why the fuck is he smiling?5
It took me awhile to notice who was laying in the bed, the small frame and tattooed body made me realize the obvious. I smiled to quickly cover up that I didn’t seem to recognize who he was.
“I didn’t know that anyone was in here.” I said calmly, making sure that the towel didn’t drop as I grabbed it a little tighter. Frank kinda hesitated in a smile, but then managed one laying back down and shutting his eyes.
“Its cool, just get dressed the guys wanted to go somewhere.” I nodded and laughed a little, he was always usually asleep. I grabbed my bag that I had brought in and went back to the small white tiled room getting dressed. The air was sticky as I put my clothes on and heard another door being opened, our other room mate was coming in to his room. I opened the door now fully dressed while Bob was shaking Frank violently, I started to laugh but he sat up with a glare that I thought would either kill or damage me in any way.
“Bob your staying with us? That’s new.” I said turning from franks evil stare, Bob nodded and then looked between the two of us.
“I just decided it would be fun to watch over you two pansy’s for a bit.” He winked.
“I’m not a fucking pansy.” I said getting all offended, what the hell did he mean by watch over?
“Are we like fucking kids to you?” Frank asked giving that glare again, why was he so pissy? He’s usually such a morning person. He was more like a baby now that he didn’t get his sleep. I laughed a little to myself at the thought.
“So…can we go to starbucks now or what?” Bob asked, looking back at me trying to block the evil look that Frank was still protruding. I nodded and was happy that I was going to get my caffeine, energy drinks work only for a certain amount of time.
We got out of the hotel and back into the rental car that Brian had gotten, we all didn’t really fit in it so we split in taking the tour bus, hopefully the place had an RV parking place.
I sat on the couch and crossed my legs laying back comfortable, frank sat next to me a little uneasily and I gave him a glance, he was back in that dazed little world far off in his head.
“Who wanted to go to starbucks? I was about to take a shower.” Mikey said, eyeing me.
“Actually it was me.” Bob said in the driver’s seat with a laugh. “He was going to say it though, you could tell.” I turned to look at Frank, he looked up at me with lazy eyes that were still in his own world.
“Are you alright?” I asked, snapping him back into reality, he blinked and his eyes were the same as before, filled with a little anger.
“Stop asking me that.” He looked away. “I’m fine.” I looked at Mikey with concern and he just shrugged, nothing there that I could see what was wrong, why was he acting this way? Before I knew it we had stopped in front of the starbucks place and we were all piling out, I began to get really nervous scared that fans would be inside and tackle us or something.
Yeah I get paranoid when I don’t have time alone ok?
We all sat at the nearest corner by a window, frank getting the window of course se he could daydream more and me sitting next to him with a smile on my face for God knows what. I really don’t know why I was smiling so dumbly.
“When do you want to go to New Jersey?” Brain asked sitting across from me, he smiled, Bob and Mikey went to go get the orders and Ray sat by the window staring at Frank as if to say what the fuck is wrong with him?
“I decided that I didn’t want to go just yet, I think we should wait for our three week break next time. One week wont feel that long and it will go by fast.” I said thinking it thoroughly, Brian nodded. I wasn’t quite in the mood to see my family anyways; I didn’t want to have to deal with my mother lecturing me not to be so sexual on stage.
Especially with another guy.
I saw frank move his head laying it down on the table staring at me, from the corner of my eyes I could see his dazed look come back. He shut his eyes with his hands in his lap clasped together as Bob and Mikey came back with there orders and gave me my coffee, I sipped it and then got an idea that sparked in my head.7
My eyes were barley shut for a second and then I felt a hand on mine, I opened my eyes and looked straight at Gerard who was drinking his coffee happily and chatting to Bob about our next concert.
His hand was under the table, on my hands.
What the fuck?!
I felt my face heat up in a blush that I was fighting to control.
Guy friend, best friend. Your. Not. Gay.
My mind was nearly screaming at me, sure I wasn’t gay. But…buy he was…
He turned to me with my eyes glued to his and he gave me one of the sweetest smiles I have ever seen…
“Are you feeling alright?” I couldn’t get mad at the question right at the moment, my mind was wondering back to his face and his hand, that now started to rub my hand soothingly with his thumb. I couldn’t find any words out of shock and scared that I would stutter.
“Yep just tired.” Way to go idiot. At least I didn’t stutter but I made it obvious of being nervous by saying it so damn fast.
“You want a drink?” He pushed his coffee to me with his free hand, no one was noticing anything, everyone was talking with one another while this strange moment was happening.
“Nah, I think when we get back to the hotel I’ma pass out.” I lifted my head more and removed my hands away from his hoping he would take his back, instead his hand dropped down on my thigh.
I didn’t understand why he didn’t take his hand away.
“Pass out like right when you walk into the hotel?” Ray asked, now paying attention to me and Gerard’s conversation. But he still hadn’t noticed his hand… They all let out laughs now turning to us, I was trying to hard not to blush. “Someone would have to carry you to the bed.” He joked.
“I will.” Gerard said volunteering; I turned to look at him with a small laugh and a nervous smile. Just a joke, just a joke.
“Maybe if you don’t drop me in the elevator.” I was just getting to ignore his hand on my thigh, until I felt him rubbing his thumb on it. Shit! I fell silent and he glanced at me with his smirk, his really cute smirk…No no no! “I-I Uhm think that we need to get another rental car.” I said avoiding Gerard’s gaze and hoping to GOD that he took his hand back.
“I’ll pay for it.” He said with another cheeky grin, I shook my head.
“No I will.” Brain said, trying to stop us from arguing, I wasn’t going to argue…I couldn’t while he was doing that! I looked back out of the window and finally felt his hand move back to himself, I sighed with a little relief and looked back at him, he stirred his coffee around with a dissatisfaction look on his face.
“I’ll need someone else to come with me since they have to drive back in the car.” Brian said.
“Me and Frankie can do it. Besides I need to talk to him.” Gerard said, talk to me? About what? Was he going to apologize about the hand thing? I looked at him questioningly. “Just to talk.” He confirmed, Bob stared at me then to Gerard back in forth, that he gave us a smile that you wouldn’t believe.
That stupid grin…I want to smack it off of his face.
So just then we all decided to get up and leave, me and Gerard following Brain into the tour bus and the rest going back to the hotel.
I sat on the couch and didn’t want to interact with Gerard, he sat right next to me though and didn’t say a word all the way to the rental place.
Thank fucking GOD.
We ended up getting the rental car for the week, and I sat uncomfortable in the passenger seat staring at the tour bus moving in front of us.
There was too much silence, and I knew that he was going to break it sooner or later...I prepared myself for his question that’s been popping up all damn day.
“So what’s been bothering you lately?” It was in a different statement, but much the same as the others. I didn’t get mad and let out a big sigh.
“There’s nothing wrong Gee.” I tried to confirm. Looking over to him he was shaking his head and looked at me with a small smile.
“That’s bullshit and you know it.” I was taken aback a little by the stern concern and a little anger in his voice. “Your bad at lying, and I know that by now Frank we’ve like lived with each other for years.” He wasn’t paying any attention to the road! What an Idiot, I wanted to smack him then and there.
“Gerard keeps your damn eyes on the road!” I said anger pouring out of my voice, his smile was gone as I pointed in front of me, he looked back to the road as I demanded. I calmed down and sighed, I was being kinda harsh now right? “Why do you want to know anyways Gee?” I said as calmly as I could.
“Cause…” there was a long pause. “Something is bothering me too.”
“If you tell me what’s wrong with you I will tell you what’s wrong with me.” I promised. There was an even longer pause and I didn’t like to wait. “So?” I pushed being impatient as I was.
“I and Lyn-z are file-ing for a divorce.” There was another long pause, he was a little stressed and I could see something filling in his eyes, tears? But then he continued. “We’ve been arguing, and she found someone else…its best that way though.” I could tell that he was trying not to cry, I felt kinda bad…but then. Relieved? What the fuck was I relieved for? “What been bothering you Frankie?” His voice softened, he gave me that smile of his that I knew made my heart leap for joy.
Should I say?
What should I say?
That…That I’ve been battling a long argument about my sexuality, and its because of him?
His eyes were turned off the road and now stared into mine, deeply madly, I felt an urge that was tightening in my throat.
“Gerard I-I…” I felt like a fool, he seemed lost in everything to. I decided to say because what else was I suppose to do?. “I’ve always-always…been kinda…jealous of Lyn-z.”
“Jealous?” he let out a laugh, Oh no did I say the wrong thing? “What is there to be jealous of?” He asked, and that moment…his face never left my mind. All I could see was that image in my head with my final words coming out.
“I wanted you.” Then the loud crash. The great impact of my head hitting the dashboard and everything, Gerard, the pain in my head and in my stomach that was on only there for a few more seconds.
Then the world fading to black and silence coming along with it.