I don't even bother getting up the next day.
Why should I? Frankie doesn’t even notice me now, it's only been three years, I haven’t changed that much have I? Maybe I have. But I still see no reason to get out of my bed. I guess the last few years I've been hoping I would see him in the street and we would go right back to before.
I was wrong. He had moved on and probably didn’t even remember me. He doesn’t need me, but I need him. So much. I was tempted to go to the coffee shop and demand to talk to him, but I knew I wouldn’t be able to do it, especially if he didn’t know my name.
The worst part was he had done exactly what his parents wanted. He was with a girl. Gone straight, and that meant I definitely had no chance with him now.
I reminded myself of when Frankie first left me, I was contemplating suicide and I knew it was useless, but I saw no reason to live. I shouldn’t have come here, it was stupid. The weather was shit, always raining and windy. It made me so depressed. I couldn’t stay still all day inside. I needed to get out but I felt just as depressed out there in the rain.
So I stayed in bed all day and didn’t eat or drink anything except for the coffee in the room. I went back to sleep at about eleven and woke up just to start the whole process all over again.
Three days in this place and I couldn’t bare it anymore but I had to stay here at least another four days. Besides, it wasn’t raining so I actually got up and pulled on some jeans and a t-shirt, then went for a walk.
I ended walking to franks shop. The walk alone had helped me but I still didn’t want to do anything. Not even draw. Last night I had forced myself to draw, but all I could manage were pairs of eyes. All colours, from bright red to green to purple and even black. If someone had walked into the room they might find it slightly creepy, pages of eyes staring at them, they were mostly a hazel colour, the same as Frankie and they all had a disappointed look to them somehow.
When I got to the shop, I realised that he wasn’t there. I asked a woman who was behind the counter if he would be there that day, but she said that he wouldn’t be in for two more days.
So I go walking. Don't know why or where, considering I don't even know the god damn place.
I end up walking down the darker streets, even though it is only half-two in the afternoon, it was quite dark and kinda spooky. About to turn down another street, I see a bunch of kids in the way, just standing around and, to be honest, I'm not the best kind of person in these situations with my black skinny jeans, black hoodie and band t-shirts. So I keep going down the lane I was already on and turned down the next street.
That's when I saw it. There was a bridge. Not a particularly nice or bad looking bridge, just high and above a river. I thought about it. It would be so easy. The people in the cars wouldn’t care and neither would anyone else.
My own mother didn’t even acknowledge I exist anymore, my brother was on a trip to Germany with his school, my friends had given up on me because last month they saw me I was practically wasted 24/7 and the only other person who I cared about was happily off with some other girl he had met. But maybe I was being over dramatic. I will think about it.
But then why should Frankie get off so easily and get to be happy when I'm stuck at home contemplating suicide once again. This time I will do it, I'm just not sure when I can.
So instead I go to the nearest shopping centre and sit down in Starbucks.