My first ever story..give it a try? Please?:3 It's a rather strange idea where Gee works at the local hospital. Will the mysterious blue eyed girl in the waiting room change his live in a way he ne...
(#) xxXLadyOfSorrowsXxx 2011-05-23 03:17:38 PMcontinue, please! it seems interesting:) the blue eyed girl is the little girl, correct? :3 im loving this. can't wait for more!
p.s. its lyn-z:D
Author's responseaw thanks you just totally made my day!!:3 hugs you i thought it sounded..boring but i'll try harder:)
and yes correct it's the small girl with blue eyes..;)
gasps* em oops? i'll change it later, thanks for telling me:D
(#) AdnarimSmada 2011-05-25 10:00:46 PMThis is fantastic for a first attempt. It is really good. Very orginal as well.
There are only a few things that needed to be corrected on the subject of spelling and grammar. I hope this will help you.
2)In proper written English grammar it is incorrect to start a sentence with the word and or but, a conjunction. Don't worry about that though, most people ignore that rule when they write.
3)How her eyes would lit up with hope every time she would see a doctor or a nurse stepping into the room.
I'll edit this to fit grammar rules.
Depending on your verb tense this sentence can be written in either of these two ways:
How her eyes would light up with hope every time she would see a doctor or a nurse stepping into the room.
How her eyes lit up with hope every time she would see a doctor or a nurse stepping into the room.
4)I'm pretty sure by barley(that's a herb) that you meant barely.
5)Seeing as not really much people showed interest I was gladly accepted and am now working at the local hospital 5 hours a day.
This sentence sounds a little awkward so I'll rewrite.
Seeing as not a lot of people showed interest I was gladly accepted and am now working at the local hospital five hours a day.
Seeing as not many people showed interest I was gladly accepted and am now working at the local hospital five hours a day.
That's it. Those are the only flaws I noticed. I hope that this will help. By the way, don't worry about your English so much. You speak it well enough for people to understand. Actually, this is sad, but you speak and write better English than half the people in my school do. I live in the United States too! It is pretty rediculous! Good luck with the rest of your story! Happy writtings!
Author's responseThank you so much! i didn't ecpect it to be that good:o
and thank you for your help. this is exactly what i wanted people to do. y'know only natural speakers can really tell you when something sounds odd or something:)so this is really helpful:) i will change these parts as soon as i'm done er...re-reviewing :'D
wow thanks:) english is the one subject i'm really good at (and art but whatever..^^)
i guess i just work really hard on my chapters...i read them over and over again and correct or edit things i don't like:)
when i write in german it's really just average...weird:D