When I opened my eyes this morning it felt like I had no worries or pain to even begin to think about. That’s until my brain started to re-call back to last night when I had my heart torn out of my chest.
I hate that feeling of suddenly remembering the bad in your life; it was as if everything came down crashing onto you and placing a brick in your stomach and on top of your shoulders.
Like everything else life must go on and I favour to act like nothing happened and watch Gerard’s date turn out disastrously. But then again I shouldn’t want to be able to see the one I loved get hurt, and if I loved him that much then I should be happy for him.
There’s always time.
I sat up and swung my legs over the edge of the bed when I felt a stinging sensation endorse through my left wrist. Once again; that horrible guilty feeling of remembering last night came back again and I knew exactly what I had done.
I’m not going to go into detail about it because myself I don’t want flashbacks; remembering that time ago and now.
But I’m guessing you’ve already figured it out.
I raised my left wrist in view and frowned upon it. I couldn’t believe I had sunk so low again, I thought I’d stopped this habit years ago? Why was I such a disappointment to myself?
I traced my finger over the newly healing cut and thought to myself that this was another reminder of the bad things in my life. And now it was scarred forever.
Racking my brains of how to hide it because today was certainly too warm to wear a long sleeved shirt, but then I remembered I had taken my wristbands with me when I moved.
Preferably for job interviews and important stuff; just to be on the safe side of things.
I leaned over to look in my side cabinet which was filled with random crap and found my American flag wristband which I always used to wear as a teenager, ideal for this sort of situation.
I slipped it on with no worry since I was sort of used to the pain by now and checked around my wrist to see if anything was showing. Nope.
I pulled myself up onto the kitchen counter whilst getting used to the feeling of having something around my wrist and retrieved the paper from my side and started flipping through to read what tragic stories have occurred since yesterday.
Mid reading an article about a serial killer who had a fetish for cats I spotted Gerard from the corner of my left eye walking towards the entrance of the kitchen.
Seeing his face again made my heart speed up because just glancing at him was just… excellence.
His hair was scruffy from sleeping and he was still wearing the same clothes from last night, obviously he fell asleep on the sofa. Again.
I took another glance at my paper before looking back up again because I felt Gerard’s eyes piercing my body. He was standing there staring at me.
I felt really uncomfortable with him looking at me for such a long period of time, what was he even looking at?
“Gerard? Are you okay? You’re staring at me…” he looked up to see me looking straight back at him. He looked sad but yet disappointed. Oh no, maybe he was looking at my wrist?
“What? Oh, yeah I’m fine, just lost my train of thought, that’s all” I let it slide, I knew what he was really thinking but didn’t exactly want to get into an ordeal now, it was way too early in the day for that.
He smiled weakly before making a start on his coffee. I think we need to talk.
I placed the paper to aside and jumped down off of the kitchen counter.
I was about to make a start on walking to my bedroom before Gerard grabbed my left wrist to stop me. I winced in the pain and he took note of that.
I looked at him whilst he was looking back at me; in the eyes.
He slowly looked down to my wrist, which, was still in his grasp and used his other hand to peel back the top of the wristband in order to take a look.
From every touch and move he was taking I was stuck and had no way to get out of it.
Before, when I was a teenager, when people asked me about my wristband and why I wore one, I just said that I liked wearing it. But taking into account of the clothes I was wearing and the colour of my hair they had already jumped to the ‘obvious’ conclusions.
Each time they’d make a try to grab my wrist or even touch it to have a look, I instantly flinched away in panic and hope that they wouldn’t look or even ask me anymore questions.
One boy, he asked me if I slit my wrists, I said I didn’t, but oh no – he wouldn’t take that as an answer.
He kept on asking me and asking me until I finally showed him my wrist.
Luckily, I only produced the scars on the top level of my wrist and NEVER at the bottom where the vain was.
I pulled down far enough to show him my pale; untouched skin where he thought I’d been harming myself on.
Thankfully he took it as an answer and was by far interested in the shape/pattern my vain made. He traced his finger down the blue vain, which made a Y pattern.
His cold touch had made me flinch back and pull my wristband back to normal, completely forgetting what happened.
I was glued to Gerard’s face; he was staring intently at my wrist where the new marks were.
I could see the pain and sorrow he was feeling; in his eyes.
I was frozen, couldn’t move, and couldn’t run away from my problems and certainly not away from Gerard.
“W-why Frank?” his face made my heart sink, but eventually I had to tell him the truth, even if that did mean never seeing him again and making a fool out of myself. He deserved to know the truth, right?
“You know why…?” I was stuck on what to say and how to put it into a sentence, but even answering a question with a question was bad enough.
I looked into his eyes again and they were filled with anger, pure anger.
“NO I FUCKING DON’T FRANK! I DON’T KNOW WHY YOU DO ANY OF THIS!” he dropped my wrist and clamped his hands on top of his head shouting at me.
It was hurting me that he was confused and hurt, but it hurt me even more to know that I was making him like this, making him hate me.
I tried to speak but nothing was coming out. I was crumbling slowly from the pain and love I had caused and destroyed in less than 24 hours.
“Gerard… I’m –“Gerard turned to face me “Frank I… I’m not sure I even know you well enough, not anymore. I thought you stopped this years ago? Why now? Why when everything was finally looking up for me?”
I was angry now; it hurt me because he was happy.
“THAT’S THE WHOLE POINT! YOU’RE HAPPY!” I felt myself finally break down, I couldn’t take any more of this, I had to get out of here.
I ran to my bedroom; passing a very taken back Gerard with a shocked and confused expression on his face.
I just sat there. Sat there and thought.
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