Categories > Celebrities > My Chemical Romance

Antequam Mortem Lorna Ni Ionnrachtaigh

by unitedsuck007 2 Reviews

Part two of "Untitled".

Category: My Chemical Romance - Rating: PG-13 - Genres: Parody - Characters:  - Published: 2011/06/10 - Updated: 2011/06/10 - 1604 words

I think this is to go along with "Untitled"-the bit where Death is filling out.Kinda funny,I guess.
K.


Normal Script-Lorna
Bold Script-Lorna's Inner Demons
Italic Script-Lorna's Occasional Disciplinary Service,basically the police in my mind

Nomen/Nom/Name:Lornaigh Lauren Stiofain Ni Ionnrachtaigh.
That's a stupid name.
That's not very nice.That's my heritage right there.
Still stupid.
Why?Why do you have to disrespect me,man?It's just...just mean.
Well...fifteen letters?Fuck,that's longer than my full fucking name.
Not my fault.The "Ni" means "daughter of".Then the second part-Ionnrachtaigh-is my family name.
And how the fuck do you pronounce that?It's fucking impossible.
No it's not,once I fucking tell people how,it's simple-
Guys,what is this?First question,and a fight?Jesus Christ,you guys are worse than children.


Aetate mortem/L'age de la mortalite/Age at death:Eighteen years,thirty one days,roughly seven hours.
Any jokes here?
No,I'm cool.
Me too.


Obiit/Date du deces/Date of death:May 15th 2011.
Nearly exactly a month after her eighteenth birthday.Hmm.Looks like God didn't want you to drink.
Oh,wow,I can do math,look at me.
Just because you flunked math doesn't mean everyone has to.
You're part of my subconscious.You control what I do.You must be shit at maths.
Sticks and stones,baby.Sticks and stones.
rolls eyesWhatever.


Causa mortis/Pour cause de la deces/Cause of death:Suicide.
Poor messed up kid.
Says the messed up kid's mind.
Don't pin this shit on me,bitch.
mutters and crosses armsDumbass.


Prior morbi/Maladies precedente/Previous illnesses:OCD,bi-polar,diabetes,PTSD.
PTSD?What for?
When I was seven I saw a guy blow his head out.
Ick.
Yeah.


Propinquos mortus/Famille morts/Dead relatives:Frances Ni Ionnrachtaigh,mother.Sylvia Ni Ionnrachtaigh,sister.Eliza Dineen,good friend.Gearoid Mic Bhriain,other friend.Raymond Scarface Marcellus Ni Ionnrachtaigh,cat.
Y'know...never mind.
What?My cat doesn't count as my family?
No,just...you called your cat after a gangster from some 1990's crime drama?
No.I called him after Ray Toro,awesome guitarist of My Chemical Romance.
"Raymond Scarface Marcellus Ni Ionnrachtaigh?"
Oh...yeah.I...like Pulp Fiction.It's good.
It's just some weird collection of violence and swearing that's only become a cult film because of an eccentric director.
Dude,look,I'm dying,this is just getting on my nerves here.


Nationis/La nationalite/Nationality:Northern Irish.
Northern Irish?Thought you were Irish?
I was born in Belfast,and then we moved back to Cork.I lived my entire life in ROI.
So...you have an English passport and an Irish passport?
Yeah.
Do you have a Northern Irish accent?
No.Irish accent.I lived in N.I.,for like,three days,man.
So if you were born in Northern Ireland...technically you're English."Northern Irish"isn't a nationality,it's splitting hairs.It's like saying you're a New Yorker but not from America.It's wrong,you're English.Cross it out and put English down.
But I'm not English.I'm Irish.
No.You're English.Phil,put English down.
Phil,leave it.I'm Northern Irish,that's how I say it,I have no problem with England,it's a cool country,but I count myself as Northern Irish-
Guys,let's just move on here,it's not that big a deal-
Exactly,yeah,let's go on to the next question-
puts Beretta to Lorna's templeALRIGHT LET'S JUST PUT DOWN ENGLISH HERE AND NO ONE GETS HURT.
Okay,okay,let's not make any rash decisions here-
PUT THE MOTHERFUCKING THING DOWN OR THE BITCH GETS IT.
(Phil/Death scribbles down English.)


Nationis/La nationalite/Nationality:English.
There.
I'm not English.
Fuck off,you cunt.
What is with you recently?Since we got back from that roadtrip to Paris you've been so grouchy,it's like-
Just shut up.Fill out the damn form and get it right.
Fine.Be that way.


Operis/Emploi/Occupation:High school graduate,musician,disc jockey,occasional author and avid gamer.
scoffsOkay,I'm sorry,but only,like,three of those are proper jobs.High school graduate is fine,musician is a bit rich,you just jam in Jen's garage and disc jockey is okay-but you don't get paid for the last two.You write for a hobby and "avid gamer" is also just a hobby.
I'm sorry,I didn't realize it was such hard work BEING A SUBCONSCIOUS.

Yeah,that shut you up,didn't it.
Come on now,Lorna,that's a bit unfair.
What?!That fucker put a fucking gun to my head and starts yelling about my nationality and that's a-okay,but I make one fucking-
Let's not do this,okay?I have one helluva motherfucking hangover.


Curo/Pasee-temps/Hobbies:Listening to music,debating,reading,watching TV,writing,playing cello or guitar,sports.
Cello?You play cello?
I play guitar,cello,bass,piano,drums,violin,bodhran,synthesizers,double bass and saxophone.
And what kind of sports does a scrawny git like you play?
Lorna breaks Lorna's Subconscious' finger
That sort of sport.
That's not a sport.You just broke my finger.
It's called rugby,man.



Sexualis/L'orientation sexuelle/Sexual orientation:Straight.
What sort of question is this?I'm dying here.
Seems a bit inappropriate,don't you think?
Maybe this Death guy is trying to come on to you.
Nah,he's proposing to his girlfriend of five years tonight.
Aw,how sweet.


Delineatio Monty Python Optimus/Mellieur Monty Python croquis/Best Monty Python sketch:
The Lumberjack one.
What is with these weird questions?
You gotta be kidding me.
I know,it's like-
No,not the question-it's just obviously the Dead Parrot.
Excuse me?
Yeah,I gotta side with him here,that Dead Parrot one is awesome.
Well I'm sorry,but I'm the one who's dying here,not you guys.
Technically we are,we're part of you.
Shut up.


Religio/La religion/Religion:Lapsed Catholic.
Hmm,cat licker,are we?
What,my subconscious is Protestant?
Presbyterian.
What about the other guy?
Muslim.
Well.This is a bit awkward.


Virgo?/Vierge?/Virgin?:I am not answering this.
Okay,engaged or not,this guy is creeping me out.
I agree,I am so not answering this.
C'mon,you have to answer every question,Lorna.
No way,that is just weird.Monty Python I could take,but this?No.
What,so you're a no-sex-before-marriage kinda girl?
No.I just find this question unnecessary.
Okay,just say it.I was older than you when I lost my virginity.
You're a subconscious.You don't have a virginity.
Now that's just cruel.
Listen,apart from the thing we won't talk about,are you a virgin?
sighNo.Lost my virginity a few months ago.
Yes!I knew we'd get it out of her!
Whatever,I'm just going on file to say I'm extremely uncomfortable with this.
Who cares,slut.
Slut!
Sigh.


Quis ventus de Pulp Fiction/Personne préférée de Pulp Fiction/Favourite character from Pulp Fiction:The Wolf or Jules.They're awesome.
You serious?The Wolf is in it for like ten minutes at the end.
So?He's still cool.
I like Mia.She's kickass.
Yeah,but the OD part kinda freaks me out.I mean,I know they want to show us the downside of drugs but it's kinda gross.
Yeah,when that white shit comes from her nose it's just like,"TMI,guys.TMI."Where's the other guy?
He doesn't like Pulp Fiction.Thinks it's overrated.
Cunt.
How very kind of you.


Semel bibunt/Premier verre/First drink:I presume they mean alcohol.
Oh,well,naw,Lorna,they mean water.Yes,they mean booze,you complete nimrod.
Alright then.Fourteen.
No,it was fifteen.
No,it was fourteen.
Hey bud,lay off the italic,that's my style.
Sorry,sorry,but it was fourteen because I was at Jen's party and she was turning thirteen and she's a year younger than me and I know because she got tickets to the MCR gig and then we went and it was during Projekt Rev in 07 so it must have been fourteen.
It was definitely fifteen.
THIS IS WHY WE CAN'T HAVE NICE THINGS.



Optima species Family Guy/Meilleur épisode Family Guy/Best episode of Family Guy:Ooh, definitely Something Something Dark Side.

Let me guess.You think it's overrated.
Overrated,inappropriate and offensive.
Why is my subconscious so shitty?



Medicinae/Médicaments/Drugs:Okay,you got me.Smack,coke,meth,cid,shrooms...I've tried a lot of em.
Jesus.
Yeah.
Listen,I've got a friend you could add on Facebook,he's awesome.
Okay,yeah.
Okay;first name Getting and second name Clean.
Oh,ha ha,you're so funny,have you ever thought of a career in comedy?


Finio verba.../Compléter la chanson.../Complete the lyrics..."My plug in baby crucifies my enemies when I'm tired of giving..."Oh,easy."My plug in baby in unbroken virgin realities is tired of living"
Dude,you serious?It's "version" realities,not "virgin" realities.
That's a load of shit,it's "virgin."
No,I am positive it's "version."
It's about sex,why the hell would it be "version"?
Because Matt Bellamy's a sick fuck,that's why!
Did you see them at Wembley?
No,my buddy did though-
And if you had been there,you would know it's virgin.Just trust me,man.



I do solemnly swear the aforementioned is the shit,the whole shit and nothing but the shit.
L.N.I


Lorna?Hey Lorna?

I think she's dead.

Oh.Well,we better go too then,huh?
Yeah.Been good,I guess.
Yeah.See you around.
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