Gerard and Rosemary come to an agreement over their relationship. Brendon becomes a hero.
So on Tuesday I saw a Panic! Concert. They are soooo amazing. I love Brendon even more now. Seeing him in person has given me a lot of insperation so prepare for updates again!
“You know you can't listen to her, right?” Gerard had been pacing the room since Lilly's harsh words. He couldn't believe her, could he? “She's just a kid. She's hurt right now and she's going to try and take out the one thing she knows will always be there for her, me.”
Gerard finally looked to me. “You don't get it do you? Everything she said, it's all right. I have absolutely no reason to not believe her. It's all valid. You did run away, why won't you again?”
I groaned in regret. “Because, Gerard, I was stupid. Perhaps, I'm still stupid and clueless. But I know one thing for sure. I'm not leaving again. I can't be scared anymore.”
Gerard shut his eyes and rubbed his temples. “Rosemary, I don't know what to believe anymore. You tell me one thing and the next second you're out the door. I'm not sure if I want to believe anything you say anymore. I've believed so much, I've believed too much. You've made a fool out of myself. It seems like the smartest person in this house is Lilly, and that's really sad. Who should I believe, an eleven year old who speaks the truth? Or a 21 year old who has so far only given me everything I've ever wanted just to take it away from me. You tell me Rose, because I have no clue. Maybe you should go back to Brendon, seems like he knows how to take care of you much better. Maybe he'll know what do with you.”
I stood motionless in the middle of the room, staring at the now frozen Gerard. I was dumbstruck and did not know how I was suppose to react. I felt like Alice in Wonderland. I was stuck in a place that I couldn't tell what was real or fake. Was this all just pretend? I didn't want to fall and hit the ground though. Gerard groaned, “I need a beer.”
“No you don't. Don't say that, Gerard. I don't know how to be anymore. I sit here and try to fake this smile that I don't believe in. All the while, all I'm doing is screaming inside. Can you even hear me anymore? You gave me every reason to believe I had found the one. But now, I'm seriously questioning it. Maybe we aren't the people we thought we were.”
Gee looked like someone had just slapped him in the face but he quickly recovered his facial expressions. He laughed something hard, mean; something that was not Gerard. “I couldn't agree more. You aren't the person I thought you were at all. You're nothing.”
My heart broke right then, in the middle of that room. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't see, I couldn't comprehend to what extent my life had just been ruined. All I knew was, I could no longer see the truth. I couldn't see Gerard for Gerard, Gerard was only a monster to me. Perhaps, that's all I was to him too. “Gerard,” I began. “Please-”
“Don't even, Rose. Just shut up and save your breath. I don't want to hear anymore of your lies, I don't want to hear anymore of your excuses, I don't want to hear anymore of you at all.” I could have sworn that I saw tears swelling up in Gerard's eyes. But it was only for a split second.
I could barely move. It was always the same, I never got what I was dying for. “Gerard, just stop. We can get through this.” My voice was quivering and shaky.
“Just save your heart until you find someone who is worth it. I'm obviously not that person. Eliza will always have a home and so will Lilly. But you will not. Just get out now. Please, don't make this any harder than it has to be on either of us. I will always love you, you know that.”
Tears started to stream down my cheeks and I couldn't control the hiccups that were bolting from my lungs. I tried to speak but it was impossible to hear myself over my own tears. My words just came out as a bunch of inaudible, jumbled, mute sounds. In response Gerard rested his hand on my shoulder. “Please don't cry, Rose. Things may change. Maybe even soon, but not right now. We both need some room I think. Please dry up those tears, I can't handle seeing you crying. Especially knowing that I'm the reason.”
“You don't have a reason to believe me but just know that I believed we had a chance.” I grabbed my phone and car keys before going to Eliza's and Lilly's room. I kissed Eliza's forehead, tears falling silently onto my own daughters cheeks. I wiped them away in a gentle sweep. I then went to Lilly's room and knocked on the door.
She groaned, her way of saying “come in”. “I'm sorry, Lillian.”
“I'm sorry, Rosemary.” Her eyes were focused on her journal, spidery hand writing scrawled onto the paper. I could faintly read the first lines of what she had written.
You try so hard to be so perfect
But in the end, you come out screaming from your own heart
Where will I be?
Will I just be a distant streaming light?
“I'm leaving for the night, girly. You have my cell phone number if you want to reach me. I'll be back tomorrow to give you the option if you want to come with me.”
She started at me with empty eyes, as if she were trying to decide whether to cry, scream, or cry. Unsure. “You're leaving us?”
“I'm not leaving you, Lilly. Gerard and I both think that it would be best if we give each other a bit of room.” I couldn't decide on how to phrase my sentences. Honestly, I didn't know what to tell her because I didn't know what had just happened myself.
“So in other words your abandoning me.” Her voice caught in her throat and she choked on a sob. She was trying so hard to be strong, but it wasn't working.
“If you want to come with me you can. I just thought you'd rather sleep in your own bed and be able to think about it before you made any decisions.” She only nodded. I knew my sister, she needed time to herself now. So it was now my turn to give it to her.
I shut the door behind me after exiting. I stood outside her door, listening to her finally break. Her sobs became uncontrollable and left me feeling like the worst person ever. Gerard came out from Eliza's room and watched me, waiting to see how I would suddenly react. He said nothing, only shook his head before motioning to the front door. How welcome did I feel now?
I made a deadline for the door, then to my car. It was chilly outside, making me wish I had a jacket to snuggle into and escape everyone and myself. The ride to Brendon's house was difficult. I couldn't listen to music, every song reminded me in some way of Gerard, Lilly, or Eliza. I wasn't sure who was more heartbroken: Gerard, Lilly, or me? I remembered hearing a baby wailing in the next room. I had wondered if Eliza knew her mommie was leaving.
I had made it home with minimal breakdowns. I was actually proud of myself. I could see the outline of Brendon waiting on the porch. His face lifted in the direction of my car when he saw my car lights coming down the street. A smile appeared on his face, it was evident even from a distance.
I turned into Brendon's driveway, wondering if I would soon be able to call it “my driveway” also. He was running his hand through his hair, a cigarette hanging out of his hand. As I got closer to him, I could see that his hand was shaking. I cautiously stepped out of the drivers seat. Brendon wrapped me into a tight hug. His fingertips rubbed the small of my back. I rested my chin in the crook of his neck, intaking the scent of tobacco, alcohol, and men's Curve. His hand moved up to my neck, where he gently smoothed the hair down my back.
“You had me scared half to death.” He whispered in my ear, sending chills all the way down my body.
“I'm alright now. I took a test, it was positive.” Tears drifted down my face.
Brendon sighed and looked to the ceiling, then back down to me. He tried to replace his grimace with a smile. “Everything will be okay, Rosie. Don't worry, we'll take care of it all. I'll get you through this.”
“I don't want to go back, Brendon.” I felt like that was the closest thing to truth as I had felt in a long time. I didn't want to go back to Gerard, to my old life. I wanted to continue my new one with my daughter and Lilly... and Brendon.
“You don't have to. I will never make you.” His brown eyes seemed so sincere, so beautifully caring and loving. I hadn't seen such compassion before.
“Bren, just kiss me already?” At my request, Brendon chuckled. He tilted his head downward and he captured my lips. Sweet and short, passionate and romantic. Our lips fought for each others love. We both needed each other. We needed each other more than air. Brendon knew how to save my life.au