Gerard gets introduced to the members...and more insanity.
Instead I saw an extra ordinary woman with simple, shoulder length brown hair, walnut brown eyes, gold-rimmed glasses and a black business suit. Her brow was furrowed as she searched through her purse, cursing softly.
"Fuck, lost my keys again..." she peered up and took in everyone that was staring at her. “Oh...hi."
"Oh my god, like, hi!" squealed the blonde woman.
"...Hi" the brunette cocked her head to the side, giving the blonde an odd look. She then looked around the room, taking a few moments to stare at each person before shaking her head. "This is the Gerard Way Official Fanclub right?"
"I asked the same thing" I muttered.
"Right…" the women nodded her head. “Um I guess we should…uh" she paused to riffle through her purse. "Oh fuck no, don't tell me I lost that too…"
After a few minutes of continued riffling she pulled out a sheet of paper. "Thank god…"
"Oh my god, like, what is it?" asked the blonde. The brunette raised one eyebrow.
"You say 'oh my god' a lot, do you know that?" she asked.
"Oh my god you're like, so observant!"
The brunette’s brow crinkled. She nodded her head, slowly and turned to face the rest of us.
"Alright so right now we're going to introduce ourselves and explain why we're all here" she said, never taking her eyes of the piece of paper as she spoke.
She lifted her eyes up and peered at the old lady. "You go first."
And so it began.
…Or not. The old lady didn't react or say anything. She continued to hum whatever tune she had previously been humming, rocking back and forth and never taking her eyes of her knitting. The brunette coughed. Still no reaction.
"Um…" I reached over and tapped the elderly women on the shoulder. She jumped and let out a startled shriek, slapping at my hand like an insane person. My hand shot back and my eyes widened.
"Oh dearie, it’s just you" she sighed, looking relieved. "Don't do that!"
"Sure" I said, my eyes still wide.
"Why don't you tell us a bit about yourself and why you decided to join?" suggested the brunette, smiling at the older women. I couldn't help but notice that her smile seemed a bit forced.
The sweet expression on the elderly women's face turned to one of outrage.
"I did not decide to join!" she all but shrieked.
"Uh…" was what we all said, for no better answer. She continued as if she hadn't heard us.
"I thought this was the knitting club!"
Well, that made sense. I'd been wondering why a women that age was at a club dedicated to a rock star. Usually the senior citizens would be hosting hate clubs for things like that.
The elderly lady's continued to speak in that same, outraged tone.
"I was so excited to join and teach my beloved granddaughter Lisa the finer points of knitting so that she could follow in my footsteps! And then I got here and I discovered that I had gotten things dreadfully mixed up and this was really some club for some horrible cross dresser!"
Well that hurt. I opened my mouth to scream "I'm not a fucking cross dresser!" when I remembered exactly where I was.
Luckily I had other people ready to jump to my defense.
"Oh my god, you can't talk about Gerard Way like that!" the blonde women cried, anger burning in her eyes. "It, like, shouldn't be legal!"
"That man wears too much makeup! It isn't natural! Not to mention his features are entirely too feminine!"
Alright that was taking things too far.
"My – I mean, his features aren't feminine at all! In fact he's really manly!" I yelled, unable to keep my mouth shut after that horrible, hurtful and completely untrue comment.
"You go sister!" cried the man from before – the one who looked like he should be brooding when, instead, he looked ready to dance the ballet at any moment.
Everyone turned to stare at him.
"What? It's completely true!" he said, defensively. When the stares didn't stop he coughed and shuffled his feet, looking awkward.
"Alright then…" the leader of the club said, turning back to face the elderly lady.”Since we…got all that down, why don't you tell us your name?"
The anger faded from the old lady's face almost immediately and was replaced by an angelic expression. The time it took for those two expressions to switch was so fast it was almost scary.
"I'm Annabelle Wallace dearie" she said. "But you can call me" she paused and a loving expression spread across her face. "Granny Wallace."
Her voice was so sickly sweet that I expected maple syrup to start dripping out of her mouth (though that really wasn't a lovely image at all).
The blonde girl ruined the moment by saying; "Oh my god, but I already have two grannies; one from my mom and one from my dad. If you were my granny too then where would you come from?"
I could actually hear crickets chirping with the silence that followed this statement.
"Well alright then dearie" the elderly women said, after a moment. "What about Mrs. Wallace then?"
"I can do that!" the blonde squealed.
"Yeah sure" I said, nodding at the newly dubbed 'Mrs. Wallace.' She beamed.
"Next!" the brunette said, before any more pointless conversation could take place. She turned to the little girl. "I'm guessing your Lisa?"
Lisa looked up at her and her eyes gleamed dangerously yet again. The brunettes face faltered.
"I like to tear Barbie dolls heads of and burn them. I like imagining that they're real human beings and I can almost here their screams of pain as they disintegrate in the flames!" she announced, happily. All of us stared at her, open-mouth except for Mrs. Wallace who beamed.
"Isn't she just precious?" she cooed. "I taught her that word – 'disintegrate' – myself!"
"…Lovely…" I choked, still staring at Lisa with wide eyes.
"Next" the brunette said in a shaky voice.
"Oh, oh, pick me!" squealed the blonde. The brunette nodded at her. "Yippee!"
There was a slight pause. Then the blonde spoke.
"I like, love Gerard Way so much. One day where going to get married and have so many babies together!"
It took all my effort not to react to this comment.
"And then when we're done we'll have even more!"
My eye twitched.
"It's great to see people have such amazing goals set for their future" muttered the brunette. "Alright then, what's your name?"
"Oh my god, it's like, Chantelle Way!"
My fingers twitched.
"Your real name…" the brunette sighed.
"It is my real name!" the blonde protested. "Or at least it will be when I marry Gerard…"
"Alright, how about we just refer to you as Chantelle?" sighed the brunette. The blonde pouted but nodded her head anyway, reminding me oddly of a puppy.
The man was next on the introductions list. He introduced himself as ‘Philip’ and then launched in a detailed description of why he was here.
"Alright why are you here?" asked the brunette.
"Gerard Way is a sexy beast, must I go on?" Alright, so maybe not so descriptive.
"No, you can stop right there" the brunette replied, starting to turn away.
"But I want to go on!" Philip protested.
"You can stop right there" repeated the brunette.
"We're running out of time alright!"
"…Fine" Philip pouted. The brunette sighed and turned to me.
"Alright, wow us with your tales of how you think Gerard Way is a sexy beast" she sighed, her voice dripping with sarcasm. I shrugged my shoulders.
"I don't" I replied. She blinked.
"Really?" should I be offended that she sounded so disbelieving?
"Yeah" I hesitated for a moment before continuing. "To tell you the truth, I'm only here because my friends dared me too."
She stared at me for a moment before shaking her head and sighing.
"Well I suppose we have something in common at least."
"What do you mean?" I asked. She stared at me for a moment as if considering something and then glanced down at her watch.
"How do you feel about a story?" she asked.
"Oooh, does it involve sleazy dresses and cute Chanelle purses?" Chantelle asked, excitedly.
"Um...no" the brunette gazed at Chantelle oddly. The blonde girl frowned.
"Oh...I'm not sure I want to hear this..."
"Just carry on" I suggested. The brunette seemed pleased by my intervention and nodded her head.
"Alright" she said. "So, to tell you the truth I never really wanted to start this club. You see, it’s the only way for me to get a promotion at my job."
"...What?" I stared at her in disbelief. "You’re telling me the only way for you to get a promotion at your job was to form a Gerard Way Fanclub?"
A blush spread across her cheeks. "As ridiculous as it sounds, yes! My boss is a huge fan of the guy. He told me if I did it and kept this thing up for at least a month then he would give me the promotion, no strings attached. So...I said yes."
"Foolish child" muttered Mrs. Wallace, glancing up momentarily from her knitting, which she had previously restarted. "We would have all been better off..."
"Well excuse me!" the brunette said, looking indignant. "You didn't have to join you know!"
"Oh don't you show me attitude!" Mrs. Wallace said, glaring angrily. "Kids these days have no respect for their elders...the naughty corner is where you belong you horrid little girl..."
"Is she serious?" I couldn't help but blurt out. Everyone turned to stare at me. The brunette’s lips twitched.
"Surprisingly enough I think she is" she said. "Hmm...looks like we're out of time" she added, gazing down at her watch.
"But it can't have been more than an hour!" Philip protested.
"It hasn't been" she replied. "It's exactly one hour and that’s all for today. My boss said one hour meetings each day and I am not going overtime...fuck, this promotion better be worth it, I'm not even being paid for this..."
"What's on that paper?" I asked when I saw her tucking it safely away in the pocket of her jacket.
"This?" she asked, tapping the pocket. "That’s a list with information on exactly what I've got to do in this goddamned club. My boss wrote it up - I've got to complete everything in order to get that promotion. My boss isn't making this easy for me...I think he secretly wants me to fail."
She glanced down at her watch and her eyes widened. "Fuck, we've gone two minutes past one hour!"
Everyone stared at her.
"Well what are you waiting for? Leave!"
"You didn't tell us your name" I reminded her. She frowned.
"Oh yeah...well, whatever, it's Vicky." she glanced at me. "You didn't tell us yours either."
"It's Gera...ldine..." I bit my lip and glanced awkwardly around the room. "Geraldine" I repeated.
I hoped no one had noticed the large pause between the two parts of 'my name.' If they did they didn't comment on it.
"Nice to meet you Geraldine" Chantelle said, happily. "Wow, I like, love your hair!"
I touched the ratty wig and felt my eyebrow twitch.
"What are you doing? We are now three minutes past one hour!" yelled Vicky.
"Like buh-bye!" said Chantelle, waving her hand in a wide arc.
"Goodbye dearies - take care" Mrs. Wallace said, smiling at us fondly. I swear that women had moodswings.
"Gah" Lisa said, dribbling flying out of her lips.
"Aww, you guys are making me cry!" cooed Philip.
"...Bye" I said.
"WE ARE NOW FOUR MINUTES PAST ONE HOUR!"