Ahem... this little one-shot follows Brendon Boyd Urie as he journeys through Narnia with MCR...
Marlee: I'm just here for the baby ducks.
BJ: -rolls eyes and ignores Marlee- This is like... kind of written as a script... uhm... there are appearances from different people and things and such... I mean, it kind of follows Brendon Urie... and Tre Cool is in here somewhere. And Davey Havok from AFI.
Mar: -Nods vigorously whilst eating an Oreo-
BJ: Uh, you will probably be very confused. It's based off of some random shit that went down between me and my best friend at 4:00 am.
Mar: -Nods again- Very random... -goes back to eating her Oreo-
BJ: I'm just going to hide my head now and pretend I never thought of posting this. -walks away in shame-
Mar: Uhm... yes. Well, let's get this shit started! -Turns on radio and starts dancing-
Brendon Urie was awkwardly staring into his hot chocolate on a Wednesday morning. Because everyone knows that he drinks hot chocolate on Wednesdays. And it is to be awkwardly stared at/into. As if he were about to do very graphic things to it. In fact, he slowly starts to reach for his mug to do such things...
Jesus Christ falls through Brendon's ceiling (BJ: Not trying to offend anyone here...), and ninja rolls into the singer's living room. (Mar: Oh, yeahhh... so you turn him into a ninja. That's so un-offensive to the religious peoples out there... -scoffs-)
Jesus: Brendon Boyd Urie, I forbid you to fornicate with that beverage!
Brendon ignores Jesus and pulls the mug closer to him defiantly.
Jesus gasps and faints, falling to the plush pink carpet.
Tre Cool runs in, sobbing.
Tre: Mommy! The puppy bit me!
Brendon's head snaps up and he looks over to his 38 year old son.
Brendon: How the hell did you get down here? Go back to your closet!
Tre: But... I...
Brendon: Closet. Now. Or I'll have Rebecca Black sing you to sleep.
Tre: No! Please! I'll be good! Just don't do that!
Tre runs back upstairs and Brendon goes back to his hot chocolate.
Brendon: Now... where were we?
Brendon was suddenly zapped to Narnia, where a giant mud pit lay in front of him.
Brendon: What the deuce?!
Bob Bryar jumps down from one of the trees and tackles Brendon, cuddling him and petting his head.
Bob: Ohhh, Brennie... I've missed you so much!
Brendon: Do I even know you...?
Bob ignores Brendon's comment and continues to pet the singer.
Frank Iero pops up from behind a nearby rock and throws a cherub at Brendon. Brendon ducks and it hits Bob. Bob groans and throws the cherub in a random direction.
Bob: Do you mind? We're having a moment here!
Brendon: Wait... what? No! We're not having a moment! I don't even know who you are!
Bob places a finger over Brendon's lips. (Mar: I wish I was that finger... -daydreams-)
Bob: Shh... there's no need for words, my love. I already know how you feel about me.
Brendon's eyes widen and he stares at the bearded drummer in shock. Frank gets angry at the lack of liveliness, so he runs into the trees and come out dragging a giant catapult four times his size behind him. He begins to adjust it and grabs Davey Havok from behind his precious rock and straps the man to the catapult. Frank runs behind his catapult and pulls a lever, flinging Davey into the air.
Brendon screams in terror, and Bob covers his beloved with his own body, protecting him from the man who is now hurtling back down to solid ground right over their heads. At the last moment, Davey spreads his arms and swoops upward, gliding through the sky.
Frank starts throwing baby ducks at the couple. (Mar: DUCKIES!!! -squeals and jumps up and down-)
Brendon: What the hell did I do to deserve this?
Bob: Oh, darling... do not speak this way! You deserve love! It is I who should be questioning what I did to deserve your affection!
Mikey rides in on his purple unicorn and starts throwing sushi at the back of Frank's head. Frank shrieks and throws more ducks, this time at the purple unicorn. (BJ: Is there nothing to be said for the sushi? Just the duckies?)
The unicorn does whatever a unicorn would normally do in this situation. (Mar: What? I don't like sushi. And I don't really think anyone knows what a unicorn would do in this situation...)
(BJ: Okay... fine. I'll do something else then...)
Nyan Cat flies down from the heavens (shitting rainbows, of course) and eats Frank.
(Mar: YOU KILLED FRANKIE!)
(BJ: No... Nyan Cat ate him. There is a difference.)
(Mar: Ohh... well...)
(BJ: See? You can't be mad at Nyan Cat.)
(Mar: -gleefully claps- NYAN!!!)
Brendon pushes Bob off of him and screams, jumping up.
Brendon: You're all crazy! Insane! I CAN'T DEAL WITH THIS!!!
Brendon continues screaming and throws a Grade A diva fit. Bob starts sobbing hysterically, going on about how much he loves Brendon.
Mikey's unicorn rides up to them and magically pulls Brendon onto his back. The unicorn magically sets Mikey down on the ground next to Bob and rides off into the sunset in search of the candy house next to the river of Kool-Aid. (Mar: Geesus... I don't even know where this stuff comes from...)
Brendon is still throwing his diva fit when he realizes that the unicorn's horn looks like one of those swirly lollipop sticks. He grips it and take a bite off of the top, and finds out it is, in fact, a swirly lollipop stick. Brendon looks down to see he is actually riding on Ray Toro's back, and the swirly lollipop stick is just attached by some purple duct tape.
Brendon could only come to one conclusion: Mikey must have really wanted that unicorn...
(In the background... and yes... we're leaving Brendon behind now...)
In an attempt to calm Bob down, Mikey notices a mug of hot chocolate sitting safely away from where the duckies were thrown. He grabs said mugs and hands it to Bob. Bob takes it, and just as he's about to drink it, thunder booms and the ground shakes.
Jesus: Robert Nathanial Cory Bryar, I forbid you to fornicate with that beverage!
Bob: If I wanna fornicate with a beverage, I will fornicate with a beverage! Don't you get that, old man? I'm Bob Fucking Bryar!
Jesus: -sighs in defeat- Yes sir...
Bob nods and gulps down the hot chocolate. Jesus whimpers in the background, but doesn't say anything. Why? Because you don't mess with Bob Bryar and get away with it, bitches!!!
Mar: You mean... that's it?
BJ: Yes, that's it.
Mar: What about Nadaddy? He never screamed his special word...
BJ: Ohhh yeah... that would fit perfectly in this scene, wouldn't it?
BJ: Okay... back to the story. For like... ten seconds...
So as Bob finishes his (well, his lover's...) hot chocolate, there is a rustling in the trees. Suddenly, Nadaddy from Family Force 5 runs out of the forest, wearing Soulie's pants that were stolen so very long ago by a pregnant chick (Mar: Ohhh... you really had to bring that part up, huh?) and a polo shirt that he took from his grandfather. He throws his hands up in the air and wails
Nadaddy: OHHHH!!!! THERE HAVE BEEN BAAAAAD THINGS HAPPENING HERE!!!!
Bob glances down at the mug and chuckles awkwardly. Nadaddy gasps and points an accusing finger at the drummer.
Nadaddy: ABSTINENCE, I SAY! ABSTINENCE!!!
Nadaddy ran back into the woods, still wailing. And Bob was left with a guilty conscience for taking the mug's virginity. Or maybe it was the hot chocolate's virginity. Or both. He was also left to think about that, too. You know... which one it was. 'Cause that could get confusing.
THE (official) END!!!
Mar: I think I can deal with it being over now.
BJ: Good. Because I'm going to bed. -walks away-
Mar: Oh. Well... I guess I'll just entertain myself...