Categories > Celebrities > My Chemical Romance
You Don't Know A Thing About My Sins
2 ReviewsFrerard. Possibly a one-shot, unless you want me to keep writing to it. Inspired by the song 'Heaven Help Us', and dedicated to Hayley :3
This fic is dedicated to Hayley, for being an amazing best friend/bb qurrl~ and for always getting me out of my ~pinebox lawl~ and buying me froot cupz. Thank you Hayley :3
"Thank you guys so much for such an amazing show. Really, this has to be one of the best shows of our lives," Gerard said to the cheering crowd. And it really was. Never have they heard fans scream and sing the lyrics so loud before. It radiated throughout the small club. The guys had decided in the middle of the set to do a few extra songs, so they added on 'Honey', 'The Jetset Life', and one of Frank's favorites, 'Heaven Help Us'. The band hadn't played that song in years, and Frank begged for it. It took the guys a few songs through to agree with him, and put it at the end of the list. Frank stood in his spot to the right of Gerard, a big grin on his face while he, Ray, and Mikey tuned their instruments. Gerard spoke a few more words to the crowd, saying thanks again, and that they'd see them next time at the show when they guys would return, before heading over to the dead mic. "You guys ready?" he asked. The men nodded, Frank grinning at Gerard with a wink. He returned the gesture, and then turned to his mic. "We haven't played this song in a while, and it's our last one tonight." The crowd roared with screams and applauses of enthusiasm. "This song is called 'Heaven Help Us'," he shouted and the band broke into the song.
Frank was grinning ear to ear, singing and playing with every ounce of soul he had in him. The crowd was moshing and screaming the lyrics along and back to Gerard. Mikey was head banging and running across the stage. He'd never seen him so happy. Ray was smiling almost as much as Frank and was making up mini solos during the verses. Pedicone was playing harder than ever and shouting the words along. Gerard was singing differently. He was hitting every note perfectly, without having to change the pitch in his voice. It was so beautiful and breathtaking, that it brought tears to Frank's eyes. Gerard hit the last chorus singing 'You don't know a thing about my sins, how the misery begins. You don't know so I'm burning, I'm burning' and it was one of the most powerful things Frank has ever witnessed. He saw tears in most of the fan's eyes, before he knew what had come over him. Frank stopped playing and staggered over to where Gerard was singing the last line of the song. He looked blurrily straight into his hazel green eyes. He grabbed the custom killjoy mic out of his hand, threw it to the ground with a clang and screeching noise, then replaced it with his lips. The crowd went wild screaming and cheering. Frank just held onto his face, kissing him with everything he had. Gerard submitted, and then tried pulling away, but Frank wouldn't let him. After a few more moments of being lost, and in the haze of cheers and woots, Frank finally released Gerard's face, bent over and handed him back his mic with a small shy smile, leaving him stunned in his place. "Thank you and goodnight!" he yelled to the crowd before they all left the stage.
Frank quickly set his guitar in the case with the others, then ran to the bus with the picture frame of his kids before being spotted by any fans. He went to his bunk, kissed his little girls faces, and then placed the photo box under his pillow. Exactly where he left it every single night after a show. He only had about ten to fifteen minutes maximum, before the rest of the guys showed up, so he scampered into the bathroom. Frank knew he was going to be bombarded with questions, and an argument would rise up. Especially from Gerard. He knew Gerard had moved on. They were both happily married to amazing, and beautiful wives with adorable children. Frank had been married longer than Gerard. Despite that fact, Frank never got over he's feelings for his best friend. From the first time they met there was always something. He felt it deep inside of him and was sure Gerard felt it too. Frankie had always been there for him. When he was severely depressed, those times he went missing, when he was an alcoholic, the times he was going to end his life. Frank was there. Of course, Mikey and Ray were there, and the crew and other people, but sometimes they just couldn't handle it so much. Gerard had felt like they'd had given up on him in a way, but Frankie didn't. He never could give up on him. Then Gerard got better. He cleaned up, got his life back together and was kind of happy for once in a long time. This made Frank happy too, seeing his best friend better and alive. Actually living. Then a few years passed and Gerard and Eliza spilt. Gerard was pretty upset, but Frank got him through it. Then they did the Projekt Revolution tour, and that's when most if started.
Frank began to notice his feelings he had for Gerard more. And they became more noticeable. Not only with the way had he begun to act in interviews, but also onstage and in person. He was always with Gerard, sitting on his lap, or mentioning him, or just flat out staring at him. Not to mention the fact he'd always say something about him. Gerard didn't mind at first, but then things seemed a little awkward to him. Frank had very strong feelings for Gerard, and he truly believed he felt the same. But he just couldn't get the assurance he wanted. Sometimes Gerard would give into him, and play his little 'games'. Other times he'd shy away, and avoid him at all costs. Whenever he did that it really hurt Frankie. It was a punch to the gut, a stab to the heart. Then Frank would take matters into hands onstage. He'd always do things to him, which would make the crowd go wild. At first they'd agreed it was only to bug the homophobes, but to Frank it was kind of different. He had put another meaning behind it. Then the kissing started, and Frankie couldn't help himself. Every show he'd try and do things to get Gerard to want to kiss him. Gerard would give in, but after a while things changed. Gerard met Lindsey, the bassist of Mindless Self Indulgence, who they were also on tour with. He began spending more and more time with her. Gerard soon fell in love with her. This put the onstage antics to an end. Frank was really hurt. Very few could tell. Gerard thought nothing of it, he wasn't aware of how Frank truly felt about him. Frank had never been sure why he'd felt so much for Gerard. He was a married man. Jamia made him so happy if not the happiest. Then Gerard got married. Frank had never seen him so happy in his whole life. His feelings for Gerard made him feel so spoiled and ungrateful. He was so proud and elated for his best friend, but it wasn't right to him. Frank kept thinking that he should be Lindsey. That he deserved him more the she did, because he was always there for him and she had just shown up into the picture. He felt so disgusted with himself for thinking that way, but he just couldn't do anything about him. His thoughts were slowly rotting and tearing away at his brain and heart. Years past and it bottled up inside of him. Then he started LeATHERMOUTH to unleash it all. It really helped, but it didn't get rid of his feelings like he secretly hoped. Then Gerard had his daughter Bandit. He just seemed to be getting happier and happier. Part of Frank was envious, another part so glad for his best friend. It was almost as if another evil, darker side of Frank that he really agreed with was fighting against the part of Frank felt that he should be living like, his 'right' side, all inside of him at once. Then he and Jamia decided it’s time for kids of their own, and before they knew it Cherry and Lily came along. Frank was a father. He felt so complete in a way. His children became his everything and almost everything didn't matter anymore. But then there was that evil side of him that still remained, lurking throughout his thoughts and body. Frank couldn't get over Gerard. His life seemed perfect. A gorgeous wife, beautiful baby twin girls, lots of dogs. He was in a band he loved with his best friends. Everything seemed perfect, except for the fact Gerard wasn't in his life the way Jamia was. Disrupted by the sound of the tour bus opening and slamming shut, Frank was pulled out of his thoughts and back into reality. He quickly splashed some water onto his sweaty, flushed face. He then took a spot in the corner of the shower, and listened.
"What was that all about?" Ray asked. He had taken a seat on their leather couch in the lounge. He was sure of it from the squeaky springs.
"Like I'm supposed to know? He just came over to me and grabbed my face!" Gerard explained. There was a hint of rage in his voice. The refrigerator opened and closed with a thud. Little tears started to well up in Frank's eyes.
'Oh God, he hates me,' he thought. 'He hates me, he hates me, he fucking hates me.' But he knew that wasn't true. Frank knew Gerard could never hate him, no matter what he did.
"Well okay then. Just thought you guys may have planned or something I don't know." Ray started to ramble and then grew silent. Frank thought Gerard was glaring at him or something.
"You think I planned this? I'm married now in case you didn't notice! And Frank has been married since the dawn of time! We have kids! You think I would've planned to kiss him and fuck up every..." Gerard's voice faded as Frank turned on the shower. He didn't want to hear him yell to Ray, and say how much he hated Frankie for fucking up his life. How he'd become such a disgrace to the band, and that he screwed up their friendship and how he hated him so much. 'You know that isn't true. He really does care for you. He could never hate you,' said the sane part of Frank. His tears began to mix with the scolding water from the shower. His skin began to pucker and swell, turning a bright red similar to Gerard's vibrant hair. The very thought of him enraged him with anger and sadness. He began smashing his head against the cold tile. 'Stop it! You're going to hurt yourself!' said his good side. But Frank didn't care. He wanted to hurt himself. He wanted to let out the pain he held inside for so long. The stuff he really couldn't let out with LeATHERMOUTH or express through MCR. He wanted to hurt, and he wanted others to hurt for him. He wanted Gerard to hurt for him, so he could save him and tell him everything would be fine. He wanted Gerard to be there for him, just like he was. And to tell him that he loved him no matter what. But that was never going to happen, and Frank just couldn't face it. He looked around the shower for something, anything to cause him pain and to physically hurt him. There were only various soaps and shampoos. He grabbed the soap and lathered it up putting it into his eyes. It stung some, but it wasn't enough for him. He then added the shampoo. "Fuck!" he bellowed. It really burned, but it still wasn't what he craved. He then broke off the lid of the shampoo cap. Frank snapped it into various pieces trying to make a sharp one. When he finally did, he lifted up his shirt and stabbed his hip. He shouted in pain, but continued once more. Tears flooding his face. He was completely soaked in hot water that was now turning cold. The blood from his two medium sized wounds slowly began to seep through his homemade shirt. He didn't care. He could always bleach it out or just leave it there.
There were a few bangs on the door. "Frank! Get out of the shower!" Mikey yelled. Unwillingly, Frank turned off the water and crossed the small room, trying on to slip. He unlocked the door, and stepped into the lounge, leaving small puddles everywhere.
"What the fuck did you do in there?" Ray asked. Mikey looked up from his laptop and Gerard came out of the kitchen to gaze at him. Frank remained still. "What the hell happened to your eyes man?! They look like they're bleeding!" he shouted getting up off of the couch. The other two boys joined him. Frank slowly began backing away.
"You ARE bleeding!" Mikey said, gasping at the sight of the blood coming through his shirt. "What the hell did you do Frank?"
"Nothing. I'm fine. I'm okay," he tried.
"Cut the crap, Frank and talk. What the fuck did you do to yourself?" Ray demanded. Frank tried to hold back tears. He didn't want to look weak, and plus it burned the fuck out of his eyes from the soap and shampoo. He looked at Gerard who was staring at his wounds and back to his eyes. He hadn't said a thing the whole time.
"I told you. It's nothing. I'm fine."
"If you're so fine then why the fuck are you soaking wet and bleeding?"
"I fell," he lied.
"Then why didn't we hear you?" Mikey pondered.
"Because the shower was on."
"Lift up your shirt," Ray said.
"No."
"Do it." Frank didn't budge.
Mikey then grabbed his arms and pinned them tight to his sides. He was a lot stronger than Frank remembered. Ray pulled up Frank's shirt. Everyone looked alarmed. Frank closed his eyes while everyone examined the oozing, bloody marks on his hip, right above the part of his tattoo that read 'Destroy'.
"Why did you do that to yourself, Frankie?" Gerard asked eyes full of tears.
"SINCE WHEN DO YOU GIVE A FUCK WHAT I DO?!" he shouted. "It doesn't fucking matter okay? Just let me go!" Frank broke free of Mikey's grip and ran to his bunk.
Nobody bothered him for hours. He didn't come out for dinner, even when Ray kindly offered him. That didn't mean he wasn't starving. It was 3 am. He was pretty sure everyone was asleep, so he slowly crawled out of his bunk and made his way into the kitchen. Frank was still a little damp from his 'shower', so while he heated up a slice of pizza he changed his clothes. His wounds still open, stuck a little to his shirt. He winced as he took it off, replacing it with a white V-neck. The pizza was pretty crappy. The crust tasted kind of stale, and the sauce was funny. He sat there on the couch after staring at his self-inflicted injury. It stung still, yet he continued to poke it. 'Just give up already. He doesn't care. You aren't worth it. You're worth nothing,' his bad side hissed. And Frank believed it. Gerard hadn't really spoken to him. Frank believed every single word his bad side told him. He scrambled up off of the couch and to the medicine cabinet.
'Is this really happening? Am I really doing this?' he thought to himself.
'Just do it Frankie,' his inner devil purred. 'You'll be out of pain. You are nothing. They never cared for you. You won't shed any tears anymore. You'll be free.'
Frank nodded his head and grabbed a variety of pills and took them to the little coffee table. He then rummaged around in drawers for a piece of pen and paper. He sat back down on the couch and began to write:
'Dear guys,
I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm a shitty guitarist with many problems. Hopefully you can find a new one whose actually got talent. I'll be listening from above hopefully, unless I end up in hell. Take care.
xo, Frank'
He folded it up and labeled it 'To The Band' before starting on another:
'Dear Jamia, Cherry, and Lily,
Jamia, I am sorry. I'm just too weak for this fucked up world. Don't hate me. I do love you, but I know you can find a better guy who can love you more. Cherry and Lily you are my world. You will both grow into wonderful women and you better make music. I know you can. I'll be watching you all from above. Daddy loves you.
xo, Frank'
He did the same and labeled that one 'To Jamia and my girls'. The next letter was going to be the hardest thing he'd ever written, he knew it needed to be done though, so he started:
'Dear Gerard,
I'm sorry. I really am. I'm sorry I'm so fucked up and I'm not good enough for you. I'm sorry for hounding on you to accept me. I'm sorry for being in love with you and for kissing you and injuring you onstage so many times. But hey? Who could blame you for being so amazing and one of the greatest people I've ever met? I guess me, but then again, I'm so fucked up I don't know what to think. I love you, I love you, I love you. Never forget that okay?
"And will you pray for me? Or make a saint of me? And will you lay for me? Or make a saint of? Cause I'll give you all the nails you need. Cover me in gasoline. Wipe away those tears of blood again. And the punch line to the joke is asking someone save us...You don't know a thing about my sins, how the misery begins. You don't know so I'm burning."
I love you Gerard.
xo, Frank'
Frank slowly folded the letter and titled it 'To Gerard Only'. He then swallowed a few pills then lay on the couch. He began to think of what he'd just done. It was too late though. Frank started to become drowsy as everything around him slowly spun. He then heard a thump and saw something topped with red walk down the hallway. He really couldn't see. Everything started moving faster, slowly getting blurrier with each passing second. He could feel himself emerging from his body. It was the weirdest thing he'd ever felt. "What the fuck," he mumbled to himself, starting to drift off.
Gerard had entered the lounge. Whether he's face was in shock or not, Gerard couldn't tell. He was too out of it. "What the fuck did you do?! Frankie! Stay with me!" he said mumbling in terror. Frank slurred something like "I'm no worth anything." Gerard quickly picked him up off of the couch and took him into the bathroom. He placed Frank's head over the toilet and stuck his finger down his throat trying to make him vomit. It worked.
"Why did you do that?!" Frank shouted his voice still slurrish from the drugs.
"To save you! You can't die on us Frank. You can't die on me, Frankie! Please don't ever do that again!" he cried pulling him into his arms, crying into his shoulder.
"Why? I'm not worth anything. You don't care about me."
"Don't you dare fucking say that! I fucking love you! I care so much about you more than you will EVER know! You're my best friend!" he sobbed, trying to keep his voice down as much as he could.
"But that's all I'll ever be to you, Gerard. You're best friend and nothing more," he mumbled, beginning to cry.
"Is that not good enough?" he asked him. Frank shook his head.
"Frank, we are married with kids. We can't just drop everything, because of our feelings. Just imagine what would happen! We'd probably get our kids taken away from us, people would hate us. Imagine what our parents would say!"
"It isn't like the whole entire world doesn't know, Gerard! And you're seriously afraid of what people will say? Are you embarrassed by me so much? And we barely even see our kids! Don't get me wrong I fucking love my girls they're my everything. I'd do anything for them, but think about it. We can't even properly raise them. We're always gone. We miss everything, and we both know we can't give up this band. What will happen to us? You'll be set for life! You have your art, and your comics to back you up! What about Ray? Of course he'll be able to find a job, but will he be happy? And what about Mikey and I? We're college drop outs! We don't have anything to back us up! We'll be screwed!" Frank was beginning to come out of his trance-like state.
"You know I don't give a fuck what people say. I just. I don't know Frank! I just don't want to lose everything for-"
"For what? For me? Am I that much of a burden for you Gerard? Why didn't you just let me die? Why, Gerard? Why?!" he was beginning to shout now.
"I love you, Frank. Not just in a best friend way, but even more. I'm afraid to fuck it up. Lately, Lindsey isn't even talking to me. It's not the same with us anymore. There isn't any 'magic', and with us. There's always been magic. Frankie, I've always loved you." Tears began to roll down both of their pale faces.
"Me too, Gerard."
"Why did you try and kill yourself?"
"I really don't want to talk about it. You can read the letter later. I just, I don't want to think about it now. What are we going to do Gerard?" Frankie asked with big eyes.
Before Gerard could answer, there was a ringing. It was Gerard's phone. "I'll be right back. Stay here," he said before darting off to his bunk. Frank took his phone out of his pocket, settled against the wall, and began to call Jamia. After five rings he figured she wouldn't pick up, but then he heard a familiar voice.
"Hello?"
"Hey. It's Frank"
"Oh, hey sweetie. What's wrong how was the show?"
"It was fine. Jamia, do you love me?"
"Of course I do! Why would you even ask that?"
"No, Jamia. I mean do you really, really love me. I know we've been together for years, but do you really love me?"
She was silent for a while before she asked, "What is this about?"
"I just want to know if you really love me."
"Frank, listen. This is going to be hard to say, but just hear me out. I love you. I really do, but it's just with the band and everything. You're never around. You're missing out on Cherry and Lily. They're crawling now. It just isn't the same. I mean, I do love you, but I just don't think everything is working how we planned. I don't exactly feel the way I did when I married you, and I'm sorry for that. And I know you still feel for Gerard, sweetie. I'm sorry, but I don't think everything is going to work how we want it to."
"Yeah, I know. Thank you for being honest with me though. What are we going to do? Will I still be able to see the kids?"
"Of course you will! We'll get the papers and everything done when you come off tour, okay? We'll work something out, maybe you get them when you're off tour and I get them when you're on? We will work out, Frankie, okay?"
"You're the best, Jamia. I love you."
"So I've been told, haha. I love you too."
"Get some sleep. Night." Frank snapped the phone shut. He hadn't realized it, but little tears where filling his eyes.
"It was Lindsey," Gerard said sitting down against the wall by Frank. "She doesn't think things are working out. And I completely agreed with her. When we get back home we're settling out the papers. She said I can still be a part of Bandit's life."
"I'm sorry, Gee." Frank rested his head on his shoulder, trying to comfort him.
"I'm not. I'm pretty glad that it happened. I don't have much to worry about now."
"Well I called, Jamia and we talked about things, and...Basically the same thing that happened with you and Lindsey is happening with us."
"Oh. Well, uh." Gerard was lost with words.
Frankie scrambled up to his knees and gently kissed Gerard on the lips. It was the first legit kiss Frank had ever given him. His lips were soft and sweet. They tasted of coffee and cigarettes. Their hearts pounded. Frank slowly pulled away, blushing.
"So, what do we do?" Frank asked.
"I don't know. But I think we could make us work." Frankie smiled. "I really love you, Frank. And I sure as hell don't want to fuck this up, so we need to take this slow, and when the time is right, we'll tell the others. For now it's just us, okay? I love you."
"I love you too, Gerard."
Should I keep writing to this? R&R please :3
"Thank you guys so much for such an amazing show. Really, this has to be one of the best shows of our lives," Gerard said to the cheering crowd. And it really was. Never have they heard fans scream and sing the lyrics so loud before. It radiated throughout the small club. The guys had decided in the middle of the set to do a few extra songs, so they added on 'Honey', 'The Jetset Life', and one of Frank's favorites, 'Heaven Help Us'. The band hadn't played that song in years, and Frank begged for it. It took the guys a few songs through to agree with him, and put it at the end of the list. Frank stood in his spot to the right of Gerard, a big grin on his face while he, Ray, and Mikey tuned their instruments. Gerard spoke a few more words to the crowd, saying thanks again, and that they'd see them next time at the show when they guys would return, before heading over to the dead mic. "You guys ready?" he asked. The men nodded, Frank grinning at Gerard with a wink. He returned the gesture, and then turned to his mic. "We haven't played this song in a while, and it's our last one tonight." The crowd roared with screams and applauses of enthusiasm. "This song is called 'Heaven Help Us'," he shouted and the band broke into the song.
Frank was grinning ear to ear, singing and playing with every ounce of soul he had in him. The crowd was moshing and screaming the lyrics along and back to Gerard. Mikey was head banging and running across the stage. He'd never seen him so happy. Ray was smiling almost as much as Frank and was making up mini solos during the verses. Pedicone was playing harder than ever and shouting the words along. Gerard was singing differently. He was hitting every note perfectly, without having to change the pitch in his voice. It was so beautiful and breathtaking, that it brought tears to Frank's eyes. Gerard hit the last chorus singing 'You don't know a thing about my sins, how the misery begins. You don't know so I'm burning, I'm burning' and it was one of the most powerful things Frank has ever witnessed. He saw tears in most of the fan's eyes, before he knew what had come over him. Frank stopped playing and staggered over to where Gerard was singing the last line of the song. He looked blurrily straight into his hazel green eyes. He grabbed the custom killjoy mic out of his hand, threw it to the ground with a clang and screeching noise, then replaced it with his lips. The crowd went wild screaming and cheering. Frank just held onto his face, kissing him with everything he had. Gerard submitted, and then tried pulling away, but Frank wouldn't let him. After a few more moments of being lost, and in the haze of cheers and woots, Frank finally released Gerard's face, bent over and handed him back his mic with a small shy smile, leaving him stunned in his place. "Thank you and goodnight!" he yelled to the crowd before they all left the stage.
Frank quickly set his guitar in the case with the others, then ran to the bus with the picture frame of his kids before being spotted by any fans. He went to his bunk, kissed his little girls faces, and then placed the photo box under his pillow. Exactly where he left it every single night after a show. He only had about ten to fifteen minutes maximum, before the rest of the guys showed up, so he scampered into the bathroom. Frank knew he was going to be bombarded with questions, and an argument would rise up. Especially from Gerard. He knew Gerard had moved on. They were both happily married to amazing, and beautiful wives with adorable children. Frank had been married longer than Gerard. Despite that fact, Frank never got over he's feelings for his best friend. From the first time they met there was always something. He felt it deep inside of him and was sure Gerard felt it too. Frankie had always been there for him. When he was severely depressed, those times he went missing, when he was an alcoholic, the times he was going to end his life. Frank was there. Of course, Mikey and Ray were there, and the crew and other people, but sometimes they just couldn't handle it so much. Gerard had felt like they'd had given up on him in a way, but Frankie didn't. He never could give up on him. Then Gerard got better. He cleaned up, got his life back together and was kind of happy for once in a long time. This made Frank happy too, seeing his best friend better and alive. Actually living. Then a few years passed and Gerard and Eliza spilt. Gerard was pretty upset, but Frank got him through it. Then they did the Projekt Revolution tour, and that's when most if started.
Frank began to notice his feelings he had for Gerard more. And they became more noticeable. Not only with the way had he begun to act in interviews, but also onstage and in person. He was always with Gerard, sitting on his lap, or mentioning him, or just flat out staring at him. Not to mention the fact he'd always say something about him. Gerard didn't mind at first, but then things seemed a little awkward to him. Frank had very strong feelings for Gerard, and he truly believed he felt the same. But he just couldn't get the assurance he wanted. Sometimes Gerard would give into him, and play his little 'games'. Other times he'd shy away, and avoid him at all costs. Whenever he did that it really hurt Frankie. It was a punch to the gut, a stab to the heart. Then Frank would take matters into hands onstage. He'd always do things to him, which would make the crowd go wild. At first they'd agreed it was only to bug the homophobes, but to Frank it was kind of different. He had put another meaning behind it. Then the kissing started, and Frankie couldn't help himself. Every show he'd try and do things to get Gerard to want to kiss him. Gerard would give in, but after a while things changed. Gerard met Lindsey, the bassist of Mindless Self Indulgence, who they were also on tour with. He began spending more and more time with her. Gerard soon fell in love with her. This put the onstage antics to an end. Frank was really hurt. Very few could tell. Gerard thought nothing of it, he wasn't aware of how Frank truly felt about him. Frank had never been sure why he'd felt so much for Gerard. He was a married man. Jamia made him so happy if not the happiest. Then Gerard got married. Frank had never seen him so happy in his whole life. His feelings for Gerard made him feel so spoiled and ungrateful. He was so proud and elated for his best friend, but it wasn't right to him. Frank kept thinking that he should be Lindsey. That he deserved him more the she did, because he was always there for him and she had just shown up into the picture. He felt so disgusted with himself for thinking that way, but he just couldn't do anything about him. His thoughts were slowly rotting and tearing away at his brain and heart. Years past and it bottled up inside of him. Then he started LeATHERMOUTH to unleash it all. It really helped, but it didn't get rid of his feelings like he secretly hoped. Then Gerard had his daughter Bandit. He just seemed to be getting happier and happier. Part of Frank was envious, another part so glad for his best friend. It was almost as if another evil, darker side of Frank that he really agreed with was fighting against the part of Frank felt that he should be living like, his 'right' side, all inside of him at once. Then he and Jamia decided it’s time for kids of their own, and before they knew it Cherry and Lily came along. Frank was a father. He felt so complete in a way. His children became his everything and almost everything didn't matter anymore. But then there was that evil side of him that still remained, lurking throughout his thoughts and body. Frank couldn't get over Gerard. His life seemed perfect. A gorgeous wife, beautiful baby twin girls, lots of dogs. He was in a band he loved with his best friends. Everything seemed perfect, except for the fact Gerard wasn't in his life the way Jamia was. Disrupted by the sound of the tour bus opening and slamming shut, Frank was pulled out of his thoughts and back into reality. He quickly splashed some water onto his sweaty, flushed face. He then took a spot in the corner of the shower, and listened.
"What was that all about?" Ray asked. He had taken a seat on their leather couch in the lounge. He was sure of it from the squeaky springs.
"Like I'm supposed to know? He just came over to me and grabbed my face!" Gerard explained. There was a hint of rage in his voice. The refrigerator opened and closed with a thud. Little tears started to well up in Frank's eyes.
'Oh God, he hates me,' he thought. 'He hates me, he hates me, he fucking hates me.' But he knew that wasn't true. Frank knew Gerard could never hate him, no matter what he did.
"Well okay then. Just thought you guys may have planned or something I don't know." Ray started to ramble and then grew silent. Frank thought Gerard was glaring at him or something.
"You think I planned this? I'm married now in case you didn't notice! And Frank has been married since the dawn of time! We have kids! You think I would've planned to kiss him and fuck up every..." Gerard's voice faded as Frank turned on the shower. He didn't want to hear him yell to Ray, and say how much he hated Frankie for fucking up his life. How he'd become such a disgrace to the band, and that he screwed up their friendship and how he hated him so much. 'You know that isn't true. He really does care for you. He could never hate you,' said the sane part of Frank. His tears began to mix with the scolding water from the shower. His skin began to pucker and swell, turning a bright red similar to Gerard's vibrant hair. The very thought of him enraged him with anger and sadness. He began smashing his head against the cold tile. 'Stop it! You're going to hurt yourself!' said his good side. But Frank didn't care. He wanted to hurt himself. He wanted to let out the pain he held inside for so long. The stuff he really couldn't let out with LeATHERMOUTH or express through MCR. He wanted to hurt, and he wanted others to hurt for him. He wanted Gerard to hurt for him, so he could save him and tell him everything would be fine. He wanted Gerard to be there for him, just like he was. And to tell him that he loved him no matter what. But that was never going to happen, and Frank just couldn't face it. He looked around the shower for something, anything to cause him pain and to physically hurt him. There were only various soaps and shampoos. He grabbed the soap and lathered it up putting it into his eyes. It stung some, but it wasn't enough for him. He then added the shampoo. "Fuck!" he bellowed. It really burned, but it still wasn't what he craved. He then broke off the lid of the shampoo cap. Frank snapped it into various pieces trying to make a sharp one. When he finally did, he lifted up his shirt and stabbed his hip. He shouted in pain, but continued once more. Tears flooding his face. He was completely soaked in hot water that was now turning cold. The blood from his two medium sized wounds slowly began to seep through his homemade shirt. He didn't care. He could always bleach it out or just leave it there.
There were a few bangs on the door. "Frank! Get out of the shower!" Mikey yelled. Unwillingly, Frank turned off the water and crossed the small room, trying on to slip. He unlocked the door, and stepped into the lounge, leaving small puddles everywhere.
"What the fuck did you do in there?" Ray asked. Mikey looked up from his laptop and Gerard came out of the kitchen to gaze at him. Frank remained still. "What the hell happened to your eyes man?! They look like they're bleeding!" he shouted getting up off of the couch. The other two boys joined him. Frank slowly began backing away.
"You ARE bleeding!" Mikey said, gasping at the sight of the blood coming through his shirt. "What the hell did you do Frank?"
"Nothing. I'm fine. I'm okay," he tried.
"Cut the crap, Frank and talk. What the fuck did you do to yourself?" Ray demanded. Frank tried to hold back tears. He didn't want to look weak, and plus it burned the fuck out of his eyes from the soap and shampoo. He looked at Gerard who was staring at his wounds and back to his eyes. He hadn't said a thing the whole time.
"I told you. It's nothing. I'm fine."
"If you're so fine then why the fuck are you soaking wet and bleeding?"
"I fell," he lied.
"Then why didn't we hear you?" Mikey pondered.
"Because the shower was on."
"Lift up your shirt," Ray said.
"No."
"Do it." Frank didn't budge.
Mikey then grabbed his arms and pinned them tight to his sides. He was a lot stronger than Frank remembered. Ray pulled up Frank's shirt. Everyone looked alarmed. Frank closed his eyes while everyone examined the oozing, bloody marks on his hip, right above the part of his tattoo that read 'Destroy'.
"Why did you do that to yourself, Frankie?" Gerard asked eyes full of tears.
"SINCE WHEN DO YOU GIVE A FUCK WHAT I DO?!" he shouted. "It doesn't fucking matter okay? Just let me go!" Frank broke free of Mikey's grip and ran to his bunk.
Nobody bothered him for hours. He didn't come out for dinner, even when Ray kindly offered him. That didn't mean he wasn't starving. It was 3 am. He was pretty sure everyone was asleep, so he slowly crawled out of his bunk and made his way into the kitchen. Frank was still a little damp from his 'shower', so while he heated up a slice of pizza he changed his clothes. His wounds still open, stuck a little to his shirt. He winced as he took it off, replacing it with a white V-neck. The pizza was pretty crappy. The crust tasted kind of stale, and the sauce was funny. He sat there on the couch after staring at his self-inflicted injury. It stung still, yet he continued to poke it. 'Just give up already. He doesn't care. You aren't worth it. You're worth nothing,' his bad side hissed. And Frank believed it. Gerard hadn't really spoken to him. Frank believed every single word his bad side told him. He scrambled up off of the couch and to the medicine cabinet.
'Is this really happening? Am I really doing this?' he thought to himself.
'Just do it Frankie,' his inner devil purred. 'You'll be out of pain. You are nothing. They never cared for you. You won't shed any tears anymore. You'll be free.'
Frank nodded his head and grabbed a variety of pills and took them to the little coffee table. He then rummaged around in drawers for a piece of pen and paper. He sat back down on the couch and began to write:
'Dear guys,
I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm a shitty guitarist with many problems. Hopefully you can find a new one whose actually got talent. I'll be listening from above hopefully, unless I end up in hell. Take care.
xo, Frank'
He folded it up and labeled it 'To The Band' before starting on another:
'Dear Jamia, Cherry, and Lily,
Jamia, I am sorry. I'm just too weak for this fucked up world. Don't hate me. I do love you, but I know you can find a better guy who can love you more. Cherry and Lily you are my world. You will both grow into wonderful women and you better make music. I know you can. I'll be watching you all from above. Daddy loves you.
xo, Frank'
He did the same and labeled that one 'To Jamia and my girls'. The next letter was going to be the hardest thing he'd ever written, he knew it needed to be done though, so he started:
'Dear Gerard,
I'm sorry. I really am. I'm sorry I'm so fucked up and I'm not good enough for you. I'm sorry for hounding on you to accept me. I'm sorry for being in love with you and for kissing you and injuring you onstage so many times. But hey? Who could blame you for being so amazing and one of the greatest people I've ever met? I guess me, but then again, I'm so fucked up I don't know what to think. I love you, I love you, I love you. Never forget that okay?
"And will you pray for me? Or make a saint of me? And will you lay for me? Or make a saint of? Cause I'll give you all the nails you need. Cover me in gasoline. Wipe away those tears of blood again. And the punch line to the joke is asking someone save us...You don't know a thing about my sins, how the misery begins. You don't know so I'm burning."
I love you Gerard.
xo, Frank'
Frank slowly folded the letter and titled it 'To Gerard Only'. He then swallowed a few pills then lay on the couch. He began to think of what he'd just done. It was too late though. Frank started to become drowsy as everything around him slowly spun. He then heard a thump and saw something topped with red walk down the hallway. He really couldn't see. Everything started moving faster, slowly getting blurrier with each passing second. He could feel himself emerging from his body. It was the weirdest thing he'd ever felt. "What the fuck," he mumbled to himself, starting to drift off.
Gerard had entered the lounge. Whether he's face was in shock or not, Gerard couldn't tell. He was too out of it. "What the fuck did you do?! Frankie! Stay with me!" he said mumbling in terror. Frank slurred something like "I'm no worth anything." Gerard quickly picked him up off of the couch and took him into the bathroom. He placed Frank's head over the toilet and stuck his finger down his throat trying to make him vomit. It worked.
"Why did you do that?!" Frank shouted his voice still slurrish from the drugs.
"To save you! You can't die on us Frank. You can't die on me, Frankie! Please don't ever do that again!" he cried pulling him into his arms, crying into his shoulder.
"Why? I'm not worth anything. You don't care about me."
"Don't you dare fucking say that! I fucking love you! I care so much about you more than you will EVER know! You're my best friend!" he sobbed, trying to keep his voice down as much as he could.
"But that's all I'll ever be to you, Gerard. You're best friend and nothing more," he mumbled, beginning to cry.
"Is that not good enough?" he asked him. Frank shook his head.
"Frank, we are married with kids. We can't just drop everything, because of our feelings. Just imagine what would happen! We'd probably get our kids taken away from us, people would hate us. Imagine what our parents would say!"
"It isn't like the whole entire world doesn't know, Gerard! And you're seriously afraid of what people will say? Are you embarrassed by me so much? And we barely even see our kids! Don't get me wrong I fucking love my girls they're my everything. I'd do anything for them, but think about it. We can't even properly raise them. We're always gone. We miss everything, and we both know we can't give up this band. What will happen to us? You'll be set for life! You have your art, and your comics to back you up! What about Ray? Of course he'll be able to find a job, but will he be happy? And what about Mikey and I? We're college drop outs! We don't have anything to back us up! We'll be screwed!" Frank was beginning to come out of his trance-like state.
"You know I don't give a fuck what people say. I just. I don't know Frank! I just don't want to lose everything for-"
"For what? For me? Am I that much of a burden for you Gerard? Why didn't you just let me die? Why, Gerard? Why?!" he was beginning to shout now.
"I love you, Frank. Not just in a best friend way, but even more. I'm afraid to fuck it up. Lately, Lindsey isn't even talking to me. It's not the same with us anymore. There isn't any 'magic', and with us. There's always been magic. Frankie, I've always loved you." Tears began to roll down both of their pale faces.
"Me too, Gerard."
"Why did you try and kill yourself?"
"I really don't want to talk about it. You can read the letter later. I just, I don't want to think about it now. What are we going to do Gerard?" Frankie asked with big eyes.
Before Gerard could answer, there was a ringing. It was Gerard's phone. "I'll be right back. Stay here," he said before darting off to his bunk. Frank took his phone out of his pocket, settled against the wall, and began to call Jamia. After five rings he figured she wouldn't pick up, but then he heard a familiar voice.
"Hello?"
"Hey. It's Frank"
"Oh, hey sweetie. What's wrong how was the show?"
"It was fine. Jamia, do you love me?"
"Of course I do! Why would you even ask that?"
"No, Jamia. I mean do you really, really love me. I know we've been together for years, but do you really love me?"
She was silent for a while before she asked, "What is this about?"
"I just want to know if you really love me."
"Frank, listen. This is going to be hard to say, but just hear me out. I love you. I really do, but it's just with the band and everything. You're never around. You're missing out on Cherry and Lily. They're crawling now. It just isn't the same. I mean, I do love you, but I just don't think everything is working how we planned. I don't exactly feel the way I did when I married you, and I'm sorry for that. And I know you still feel for Gerard, sweetie. I'm sorry, but I don't think everything is going to work how we want it to."
"Yeah, I know. Thank you for being honest with me though. What are we going to do? Will I still be able to see the kids?"
"Of course you will! We'll get the papers and everything done when you come off tour, okay? We'll work something out, maybe you get them when you're off tour and I get them when you're on? We will work out, Frankie, okay?"
"You're the best, Jamia. I love you."
"So I've been told, haha. I love you too."
"Get some sleep. Night." Frank snapped the phone shut. He hadn't realized it, but little tears where filling his eyes.
"It was Lindsey," Gerard said sitting down against the wall by Frank. "She doesn't think things are working out. And I completely agreed with her. When we get back home we're settling out the papers. She said I can still be a part of Bandit's life."
"I'm sorry, Gee." Frank rested his head on his shoulder, trying to comfort him.
"I'm not. I'm pretty glad that it happened. I don't have much to worry about now."
"Well I called, Jamia and we talked about things, and...Basically the same thing that happened with you and Lindsey is happening with us."
"Oh. Well, uh." Gerard was lost with words.
Frankie scrambled up to his knees and gently kissed Gerard on the lips. It was the first legit kiss Frank had ever given him. His lips were soft and sweet. They tasted of coffee and cigarettes. Their hearts pounded. Frank slowly pulled away, blushing.
"So, what do we do?" Frank asked.
"I don't know. But I think we could make us work." Frankie smiled. "I really love you, Frank. And I sure as hell don't want to fuck this up, so we need to take this slow, and when the time is right, we'll tell the others. For now it's just us, okay? I love you."
"I love you too, Gerard."
Should I keep writing to this? R&R please :3
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