"I heard a machine being stopped and a nip as a needle was taken out of me. Then I felt nothing. I couldn’t hear, I couldn’t see, I couldn’t feel. I was dead."
“Please Frankie. Please get better.” He would say to me as I slept. They all thought I was unconscious. I could hear and smell and taste. I knew when people were in the room and when they weren’t. I knew who was speaking and what they were saying, but I couldn’t move. I couldn’t open my eyes or twitch a finger. I would scream to them that I was here. That I could hear them but they couldn’t hear me.
That last day…when all the doctors came into the room and the nurses. All my friends and family crowded by my side did I realise something. I had been here for nearly a year, rotting in my own mind with nothing else to do but think. Think, think, think... I thought of what would happen if they gave up on me. If they finally pulled the plug and took out the only thing keeping me alive. Inside my mind I was fine. I could breathe for myself, but on the outside I couldn’t. I needed a heart machine to control my breathing, to keep blood flowing through my aching veins. Everything hurt. I hadn’t used my muscles in a long time.
I could hear the sorrow in his voice as the doctor spoke. “He’s not getting any better. We’re not forcing you or saying it’s the only thing we can do but it doesn’t look like he’s going to get better.” I knew what he meant. He was talking about my worst nightmare. He was speaking about giving up on me.
The room was silent as people took in what he said, I was screaming to them that I was alive but they couldn’t hear. In my head I was thrashing my legs and arms around, screaming my lungs out. Finally I heard my Dad’s voice speak up. “Gerard, we think you should decide. You have been here through it all, rarely leaving. He’s your best friend. What do you want to do?” Gerard gets to decide? Surely he hadn’t given up hope? I was wrong.
I could feel his eyes on me as he spoke. “It’s better for us all…if…,” Get it out G! I had screamed to him as he paused. “we give up…” NOOO!! I screamed again thrashing around in my head. Darkness. Darkness all around me, not what you would think, gold gates and white fluffy clouds…just black.
“Are you sure?” I heard Mikey’s voice ask. “He could pull through.” THANK YOU MIKEY! I shouted as I waited.
“Mikes…it’s not fair on his family, on the band, on the fans…or him. Frank wouldn’t want the fans suffering. We haven’t toured or written since this started.” Of course I don’t want the fans to suffer, but I can make it G! There I was thinking he would believe in me…
“Mr. Way. You’re taking a life away…a life that is already partially away…are you sure?” He looked around the room then back at me. I was staring back at him, his eyes were vacant and stained, I was pleading for him to say no. Say he wanted to give me more time to recover. He looked away and I went to grab his face. Make him look at me but of course I couldn’t. He nodded.
“Very well. Would you all like to say goodbye first? He might be able to hear you.” After Ray’s family and Bob’s family had said their goodbyes, Mikey’s and Gerard’s parents did followed by mine. That left the guys. I could see them all crying.
“Bye buddy…we’re gonna miss you, even if you were a pain in the ass.” Bob said hugging me. I tried hugging back but my arms refused. Next was Ray.
“I’m gonna miss playing guitar with you.” He hugged me and stepped back for Mikey.
“Frankie…if you can hear me, I’m sorry. Sorry for not being able to save you. We’re all gonna miss the hyperness you brought on stage and on tour. We’re going to miss everything about you. Good luck.” He hugged me tight and I could feel his tears on me. I’m gonna miss everyone too. I tried saying. He stepped back and Gerard came over.
“Frank. You’re my best friend. You bring the childness into My Chem. I’m going to miss your smile when you do something devious and when you mess with Bob. You were there for me at my worst time and I was there for you in yours…I’m sorry we couldn’t save you. I can’t think of anything else to say but thank you. Thank you for making my world a whole lot better. I love you Frankie.” He hugged me tighter than Mikey had and kissed my forehead. I tried my hardest this time to move. I couldn’t see because of the darkness. I screamed until I couldn’t scream anymore.
I heard a machine being stopped and a nip as a needle was taken out of me. Then I felt nothing. I couldn’t hear, I couldn’t see, I couldn’t feel. I was dead.
But does anyone notice?
But does anyone care?
And if I had the guts to put this to your head...
But does anything matter if you're already dead?
And should I be shocked now by the last thing you said?
Before I pull this trigger,
Your eyes vacant and stained...
And in saying you loved me,
Made things harder at best,
And these words changing nothing
As your body remains,
And there's no room in this hell,
There's no room in the next,
But does anyone notice there's a corpse in this bed?