Brendon is a jackass. Ryan is sweet. Alternate universe obvs.
The music was loud. Too loud. The high shrill of the guitar was hurting my ears. My head pounded to the beat of the drum. I had to get out. I worked my way through the maze of people. I saw the door and made a run for it. The cold wind of the outside wrapped its self around me. I shivered. The air was thick with cigarette smoke and I found it hard to breath. My trip to Chicago wasn't going the way I had planned. I started to walk toward my hotel. The freezing air made my legs ache and made me walk slower. The wind picked up and blew my hair in my face making it hard for me to see. My hands were in my warm pockets and I didn't want to risk the warmth of them just to move my hair. I trudged on trying to make it to the hotel without my knees collapsing. My teeth were pressing together, hard, which didn't help my throbbing head any. I had only about a block left to walk when I was stopped. The man who had stopped me smirked at me as I shook.
"You look lost little girl." He said. His voice was soft and smooth. "And cold. Here let me get you out of the cold." I felt my self shake harder out of fear. I tried to make a run for it but my legs wouldn't let me. "Why are you trying to go? I'm not going to hurt you." He took my arm and dragged me away. I was to stiff to do anything. That night was the worst night of my life.
*3 hours later*
I sat on the street corner rocking on the edge of the sidewalk. I clutched my self shaking harder than I ever had before in my life. I sobbed silently in the neon glow of the city. The pain that covered me was almost unbearable. I couldn't move for fear I might have an attack. I sat there for almost another hour before I worked up enough courage to move. I slipped my hand slowly (and painfully) into my pants front pocket and pulled out my cell phone. I quickly dialed the number I knew so well. The ringing seemed to go on forever until he finally picked up.
"Hello?" His voice was groggy and I in no doubt had just woke him up.
"Brendon?" I asked my voice was shaky and crackly.
"Ashly? Where are you? What happened? What's wrong?" His voice was panicked.
"I'm out side of some store. Can you come get me?" I asked starting to cry harder.
"Yeah, what store?" He asked. I looked behind me to get a good look at the store.
"It's called Anna's Superstore."
"Okay Ash hold on I'm coming to get you."
~!~One Year Later~!~
"Ashly! Get out of bed! Your brother and the guys will be here any minute!" My mother yelled through the door of my room. I sighed and decided to get up, for I knew that she would not give up until I was up. "Get up!"
"Okay! Just go away!" I yelled.
"Well I'm glad you're up." She said sweetly through the door. I heard her foot steps going down the hall. I rolled my eyes and threw the blankets off myself. I slowly stood up letting the tiredness fall off. I hate to say it (because when I do people often hate me for it) but I am a morning person. I got dressed in green short sleeved shirt and tight black pants. I applied my usual thick black eyeliner and decided I was to lazy to comb my dark brown (with green streaks in it)hair so I just put it up in a pony tail with my bangs hanging over my right eye. I sighed as I looked at my self in the mirror. Nothing special. I have never been anything special, not once in my 17 years.
I walked out of my room leaving behind the bright green (and retched mirror), entering a somewhat more inviting soft blue. I walked down the stairs to the living room. The sound of mom singing could be heard in the kitchen. I walked toward the open door way to get some breakfast, while there was still food in the house. (My brother and his friends like to eat. A lot.) I shuffled to the counter and opened the cabinet. I found my person (green) bowl and picked off the shelf. (If you haven't realized already I really really like green.) I closed the door and opened another pulling out some Apple Jacks. I like the green ones the best (don't tell me they taste the same THEY DON'T!). I poured some into my bowl. I don't ever add milk to my cereal so I skipped over that part. I sat down at the island listening to mom sing as she made toast. The pleasantness of it all was interrupted by the front door flying open and loudly hitting the wall behind it. I saw mom cringe at the sound.
"SORRY!" I heard my brother Brendon call. I laughed silently popping a few Apple Jacks into my mouth.
"Hey, I wouldn't laugh if I were you. If something is broken or if there is a hole in that wall you're fixing it." Mom said pointing a finger at me. I immediately stopped laughing. Brendon and the guys walked into the kitchen. I jumped up upon seeing my best friend (Ryan) and hugged him tightly.
"What your brother doesn't get the first hug?" Brendon asked in mock seriousness.
"No, remember? The lover gets hugged first." Spencer said. I pulled away from Ryan and smacked Spencer on the head. "Oww! Bitch you have rings on!" (f.y.i. I always have rings on. Only three though. Two thumb rinds and one on my right middle finger, so when I flip people off it looks pretty.) I smiled contently at Spencer's pain.
"We are not together." I say simply. "Now give me a hug." I opened my arms wide inviting him in. He steps closer hesitantly. Spencer finally wraps his arms around me.
"Still waiting for my hug here!" Brendon said all irritated and whatnot. I pulled away from Spencer and smiled sweetly at Brendon.
"I have to hug Jon first." I say walking the three steps to Jon and giving him a big prolonged hug. Finally we let go and I walked slowly to Brendon who was getting quite mad. "Can I have a hug?"
"No." He says crossing his arms. I shrug my shoulders and turn away from him.
"I'll just go hug Ryan again then." I say starting to walk over, but was stopped by an arm pulling me back to the owner. Brendon hugged me quickly then let go, still pretending to be mad.
"Go hug your boyfriend again now." He said pushing me forward.
"Stop Brendon" Ryan said laughing "It's not funny and really annoying."
"If it's not funny then why are you laughing?" Brendon asked.
"Because of what Spencer said he was going to do to get back at Ashly for slapping him in the head." Ryan smiled. Spencer smiled bigger. I stared at Spencer for a moment waiting for him to make a move, 'cause as soon as he did I was out of here. He suddenly lunged forward and I took off running out the back door that was attached to the kitchen. The hot Nevada sun hit my skin as soon as I left the air conditioned house. Spencer was still running after me and I couldn't afford to stop. We ran around the house a few times then I took off down the sidewalk. I get about three houses down when I tripped on the hot cement. I landed with a thud on the ground. Of course Spencer wasn't to far behind. He looked down at me with a smirk on his face. I made to get up but he caught me. He picked me up and put me over his shoulder (damn strong drummer arms!). He walked slowly making me suffer. We got back to my yard and I knew payback was going to be a bitch. He stopped suddenly and I was immersed in cold water. The pool. The bitch threw me in the frickin' pool. I surfaced to find the guys standing around the pool.
"Paybacks a bitch isn't it?" Spencer asked with that damn smirk on his face. I nodded. "Here take my hand." He offered. I smiled and took his hand. Ryan knew what was going through my head right now. Spencer went to pull me out but I pulled and Ryan pushed Spencer in the pool.
"What the hell?" Jon asked canon balling into the pool. Ryan jumped in after. Brendon stayed on land.
"Come on in Bren! The waters fine!" Ryan yelled. Brendon rolled his eyes and shook his head. "LOOSER!" Brendon sighed and plugged his nose. He jumped in. We all swam for abit before mom came out and told us to get out.
"What a lovely welcome home." Brendon said drying off with a towel mom had given him. We all laughed and nodded in agreement.
~!~Two years ago~!~
I can't believe he forgot. I told him this morning. Today was my track meet (yes I run track). Brendon had promised he would be there, but he never showed. Ryan was there. Ryan is always there. That's why he is my best friend. Brent was there too but he was only there because Ryan was there. I won the meet by the way. I got a shiny trophy. Ryan was driving me and Brent back to my place to celebrate and Brent was bitching because I got to sit in the front seat with Ryan and he was in the back. We were meeting up with Spencer at my house because he couldn't make the meet (he had a dentist appointment).
"Why so down Ash?" Ryan asked pulling into our street.
"He wasn't there." I answered quietly.
"I know kid, but I'm sure he had a good reason." He said reassuringly. I didn't believe that.
"Does screwing his girlfriend count as a good excuse?" Brent asked.
"Brent, man shut up! You're not at all helpful." Ryan snapped.
"No, no, Brent's right. Brendon probably was." I said slouching abit in the seat.
"Come Ash, don't listen to him, he doesn't know anything." Ryan said pulling into the driveway. "Brendon cares. He really does but you know how....forgetful he is." I nodded. I really didn't want to continue this conversation. I just wanted to get out of this damn car. We got out of the car and walked into the house. Sure enough Brendon and his girlfriend Rachael were snogging on the couch. I rolled my eyes and made my way down to the basement where Spencer was already playing a video game. The rest of the night was spent faking smiles and laughs and pretending everything was okay.
I stared at the trophy shelf for a long time. Brendon's accomplishments mocking me. The thought of my parents disappointment in me pissed me off. I stood making my way to the shelf. I examined all the first place trophies and blue ribbons up close before taking my arm and emptying the shelf. The tears pricked the corners of my eyes. I picked up my only trophy and smashed it into the wall leaving at small hole and breaking the head off the person. With all my anger spent I placed the headless trophy on the shelf and walked up stairs to my room.
~!~some time in the year 2005~!~
My mind was clouded and it took me a minute to realize what was happening. His arms were wrapped around me holding me tight. I felt uneasy and comfortable at the same time. His tongue massaged my mouth in away that scared me and made me want more. I had my arms around his neck and I was playing with his long hair. I know what you're all thinking; me and Ryan right? Wrong. It's me and Spencer. I'm actually not quite sure how we ended up like this. We were watching a movie with the guys; Ryan had to go home early; Brent was sent home early by Brendon for being an ass; Brendon went to bed early because he had to work the next day. How about we go back abit; just to see if I can remember...
"G'night. Don't stay up to late and be good." Brendon said yawning "Love ya Ash. See you both in the morning."
"Night." Spencer and I said in unison to absorbed in the movie to care about what Brendon was doing. Brendon vanished quickly from our thoughts. The movie was the Nightmare Before Christmas. I can not count how many times I've seen this movie. I'm sure Spencer couldn't either. It was at the part where Jack and Sally realize their love for each other (a/n: the end).
"I wish I could be Jack." Spence spoke suddenly making me jump slightly. "I'm sorry did I scare you?" He asked laughing at me.
"No," I lied. I would never admit to Spencer scaring me. That would just lead to him mocking me. "Why would you want to be Jack?"
"Because," he said smiling obviously not believing me but going along with my desperate attempt to change the subject. "He always gets the girl."
"Oh....Well I would be Sally."
"Because, she always gets the guy."
That's as far as dialog went. After that we were attached at the mouth only coming up for air. How our previous conversation led to this still eludes me. This is the closest Spencer and I have ever been. And the closest I've ever been to wanted sex. But I couldn't let it go farther. I didn't love Spencer. I pushed him away slowly. Our lips lost contact and I immediately regretted doing it. He gave me a quizzical look which turned into one of understanding. We both sat in silence staring at the screen that has long turned blue.
"I'm sorry," He said looking down at his hands. I didn't know what to say. I wanted to tell him it wasn't his entire fault but I just kept my mouth shut. "I should probably go home tonight." He sighed. We had planed on him staying here for the weekend. He made to get up but I pulled him back down.
"You don't have to go Spencer." I whispered looking him in the eyes. He gave a small smile and sat back on the couch and relaxed a bit. I put my head on his shoulder. A comfortable silence filled the room. We fell asleep like that. My last thought before I fell asleep was: I hope Brendon doesn't find us. He would never let me live this down. Or Ryan. I can't even bare to know what he would think...
~!~ The year is....200.........6~!~
'I'd chime in with a "Haven't you people ever heard of closing the god damn door?!"' Brendon's voice poured threw the speakers of my bed room stereo. As much as Brendon detests it I am a big fan of P!ATD. I laid on my bed staring up at the dark GREEN ceiling. 'Give us this day our daily dose of faux affliction' the song changed and I reached for my stereos remote control. I grabbed it and pressed the necessary buttons to get to my favorite panic song ever: Time to Dance.
(a/n: Time to dance is really my favorite panic song. I have no life.)
I soon grew tired off staring at my wall and decided to go on AIM. Because I have no life at all (a/n: I hate IMing.)
AshlyRawr has joined the room
AshlyRawr: hello people.
AshlyRawr: So we meet at last...
AshlyRawr: idk. i have no life.
RyRo: i miss u Ash
AshlyRawr: i miss u 2
Spenceratthedisco: don't get all gross on me
AshlyRawr: i luv u 2 spence
Lucasluvsu: what no1 says hi to me?
RyRo: HI LUCAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Lucasluvsu: hi ry. hows touring?
RyRo is typing
RyRo: good. hows sitting at home on your ass eating cheetos and playing video games going?
AshlyRawr: it works for me 2
G_I_R has joined the room
Spenceratthedisco has left the room
Lucasluvsu: why did spence leave?
AshlyRawr: he don't like jess
G_I_R: oh i feel the luv!
RyRo: u should
RyRo: so jessie how ya been?
G_I_R: good how bout u?
RyRo: fantastically horrible
AshlyRawr: oh RyRy whats wrong?
RyRo: i want 2 go home
Lucasluvsu: HE LUVS US!
RyRo: no its just ashly i luv
G_I_R: fine then be like that
AshlyRawr: i still luv u luke
Lucasluvsu is typing
Lucasluvsu: so jessie how does it feel 2 be the most hated person in the room?
Lucasluvsu: yo i g2g
AshlyRawr: bye luke call me!
Lucasluvsu has left the room
G_I_R: oky then.
G_I_R has left the room
AshlyRawr: its just us
RyRo: just u and me
AshlyRawr has left the room
RyRo has left the room
~!~ Some time in the year 2005 ~!~
"What's with you and Spencer?" He asked one day while at school. I looked up at him from my uneaten lunch (Brendon says I should eat more) to stare at him with confusion. "Don't play dumb Ash, Brendon told me that he saw you and Spencer... doing stuff." I looked away from him. I wanted to ask so many questions (and beat on Brendon for not telling me he saw) but I just kept my mouth shut. "Why didn't you tell me?" I couldn't bring myself you look back at him. All I wanted was to run. Maybe Brendon is right, maybe running is the only thing I can use my mind to do. He could tell that I wasn't going to say anything. He sighed and asked another question: "Is there anything else that you're not telling me?" I closed my eyes and tried to ignore the question. There were so many things I haven't told him. "Ashly! Are you listening to me?!" He yelled. I nodded keeping my eyes closed and pointed away from him. He touched the side of my face and moved it so I faced him. I slowly opened my eyes, I came face to face with a sad looking Ryan. The look on his face told me I had to tell him.
"What...what happened between me and Spencer....was...a mistake." I said stumbling abit. He nodded and took it as an acceptable answer.
"Anything else you're not telling me?" he asked again. I searched his eyes for what it was exactly he wanted to here.
"Ryan...what exactly is it you want to know?" I asked looking away from him.
"Look at me," I did as I was told. "I just want to know if you're keeping anything else from me. I'm suppose to be your best friend remember and I had to find out about your thing with Spencer through Brendon. What does that say about our friendship?"
"I had nothing with Spencer!" I exploded. My tears started to fall burning my already warm face. "I didn't do anything with Spencer except make out! It's not like I slept with him! I don't love Spencer!" Ryan's eyes grew wide and he reached out and pulled me into him.
"Shh, Shh...It's okay...Shh.." he whispered soothingly into my earwhile rubbing my back. "I'm sorry...I shouldn't have questioned you so much.
Oh shit. I thought. I didn't want her to cry. She pulled away from me slowly.
"It's okay...it's just that..." She started wiping her eyes on her sleeve. After the tears were gone she put her arm back down and didn't say anything.
"It's just what?" I asked.
"You're right. There are things I haven't told you." There are things I haven't told you. "I mean you tell me every thing, and I'm afraid to open up. I didn't even tell you what happened when I went to Chicago." I furrowed my eye brows confused. She never talked about her trip to Chicago. When she got back she avoided it completely.
"What happened?" I asked hesitantly. She looked into my eyes. I could get lost in those dark brown eyes; drown in the tears they've cried; what I wouldn't give to drain those eyes of all their sadness. She was silent for awhile. "You don't have to tell me if you don't want to."
"No I want to." She said biting her lip. "I-I got...raped." Anger ran through me. If I knew who that son of a bitch was he would be dead right now. "Ryan are you okay?" She asked me. My face felt hot and it was probably bright red. "Ryan your scaring me." I forced myself to breathe. I calmed down enough to pull her into me once again. I wanted so badly at that moment to tell her I loved her.
~!~ Sometime in the year 2005~!~
~!!~ Spencer's POV~!!~
"I had nothing with Spencer! I didn't do anything with Spencer except make out! It's not like I slept with him! I don't love Spencer!" the words repeated themselves in my brain as I sat alone in the corner of the boys bathroom. "I don't love Spencer!" you used to. I thought bitterly.
~!~ Flash Back~!~
She sat next to me at her kitchen table. I was 7 and she was 5. Nobody else would play with her (Ryan and her didn't become friends till she was 7). We were coloring. I drew a picture of what I thought to be a dog. It looked more like a rabbit with horse legs. I didn't care. I wrote my name at the bottom of it and handed it to her.
"I drew this for you." I said quietly. She smiled widely. She had a gap in her teeth were she had lost one.
"Thanks!" She said taking it from me. "I made you something too." She picked up her paper and handed it to me. It said Spencer + Ashly in green marker in a big pink heart. I blushed and took it.
"Thank you." I said quietly smiling. I always was a shy kid.
"You don't like it?" She asked looking sad.
"NO, NO I love it!" I said hugging her.
"I love you Spencer."
"I love you too."
"And I always will!"
~!~ End of flash back~!~
I guess lying is the most fun a girl can have without taking her close off.
chapter eight was irrelevant.
I am writing this letter with no intention of sending it. I use letters as away of venting, passing time or saying what I can't say out loud. Well I'm writing this letter to you to tell you...I love you. But I guess that wouldn't be a big shock to you considering how many girls scream that at you. But I'm not screaming. I mean it. I have for a while now. I just needed to get this off my chest. I hope you can understand.
I know I write a lot of these letters to you, but I promise this is the last. I just have to ask: why do you treat me like a love sick fan girl? When you got back home off your first tour you were fine then after awhile you turned into a total jackass. What the hell is up with that? I'm not looking for time with Brendon Urie the lead singer of my favourite band. I'm looking for a chance to hand out with Bren, my older brother. I hope you can understand that.
I'm writing this letter to tell you I love you. Not some shitty "love at first site" bit but true full on love. I know this might be hard to believe but I need you. Not a lust need but a love one. Do you get what I'm saying? You probably don't because I don't even know what I'm saying. I understand that you might want to be with Spencer more but please just know: I love you.
G. Ryan Ross
This is kind of hard for me to say so I'll just come right out with it: I LOVE YOU! I have since forever. I hate myself for not telling you before. But I couldn't because I know you love Ryan. What does he have that I don't? We've been best friends forever and I don't want that to change. That's why I'm not sending this to you. I love you Ash and I'll never get tired of writing that.
I love you,
I was at Ryan's house one day. We were working on songs for the next album. Ryan excused himself to the bathroom leaving me all alone. I picked up his notebook to reread what he had written. I flipped back a few pages to see what else he was working on what when I came across something that caught my attention:
I'm writing this letter to tell you I love you...
It made me mad, not only because Ryan was in love with the girl that I was but also because he didn't tell her. They could have been together a long time ago. I do love Ashly but her happiness is important to me. More important than mine. I heard the door squeak open.
"What cha doing?" Ryan asked from behind me.
"Why didn't you tell her?" I asked not looking at him.
"Why didn't you tell Ashly?"
"Tell her what?"
"That you love her." I said turning around to face him. He looked shocked.
"You found the letters?" He asked turning red.
"There's more than one?" He nodded sitting on the bed. "Why don't you tell her?"
"I can't," He said putting his head in his hands.
"What do you mean you can't?" I asked.
"What if she doesn't love me back?" he asked his voice shaking. I smiled though it was forced.
"Don't worry she does." I wanted to lie. Tell Ryan that Ashly hated him. But I couldn't do that to my two best friends. They're all I have. \
"Are you lost little girl? Why are you trying to go? I'm not going to hurt you." I awoke in a cold sweat. That dream plagued me. I lay in bed and couldn't shake the feeling that someone was watching me. I sat up in bed and stared at the door. I just got even more scared. I tried to convince myself I was to old to believe in things that go bump in the night. I just made myself more scared. I needed my big brother. He always chases away my nightmares and boogiemen. I jumped quickly out of bed and sprinted for the door opening it quickly and closed behind me to seal in all the badness. I walked quickly down the hall to Brendon's room. I bit my lip and opened the door slowly. I stepped in carefully closing the door silently behind me. I felt like I needed to be in my footy pajamas and have my stuffed teddy bear like I did when I was younger. I smiled at my memories as I walked up to his bed.
"Brendon?" I whispered shaking his sleeping form. I took him a few seconds to come to.
"What?" He asked rubbing sleep from his eyes.
"I had a bad dream." I said quietly suddenly ashamed with myself.
"What?" He asked this time obviously irritated. "Ashly, just go back to sleep and leave me alone."
"I'm....sorry...goodnight Bren...I love you." I said slowly trying the hold back my tears that shouldn't be there in the first place. I started to walk back to the door.
"Wait Ash, come here." He said. I turned back to see him propping himself up on his elbow and looking at me. I nodded and walked back to the bed. He made room for me and I lay down next to him. He covered me up and laid back down. "Tell me what happened."
"It was the same one that keeps coming back." I said turning on my side to face him.
"The one about Chicago?" He asked.
"Mhm," I nodded. "It was the same as all the others."
"I see. Well since that pretty much sums that up." He said with a small smile. "Since we're here is there anything you want to talk about?" I thought for a moment. There were many things I wanted to talk to him about. But one stuck out.
"Why do you always break your promises?" I asked biting my lip. Maybe the wrong time.
"I'm sorry wrong time to bring it up goodnight." I said pulling the blankets up over my head.
"No, no wait," He said pulling the blanket back down. "What do you mean?"
"sighWell it seems like every time you promise me something you break it."
"Like the track mee-"
"Not this again! I told you I was busy!"
"Ya busy breaking your promise! That meet meant a lot to me and you know it!"
"Don't yell at me!"
"Then don't yell at me!"
"If you're going to yell at me for something that happened years ago then you can leave. I will not be yelled at by my little sister for something that I 'seem to do'!" He yelled. "You are being childish for even being in here in the first place. I'm not always going to be here to chase away your nightmares! Get over yourself and get out of my room!" I felt the tears rise. I tried to hold them in at least until I had left the room but couldn't. I hadden't even made it off the bed yet. "Oh stop crying." He said not angrily. But softly. He knew he had hurt me. He pulled me into a hug. "I'm sorry ash. I'm sorry for yelling and I'm sorry for forgetting that track meet and anything else I might have."
"There is something else." I said regaining my composure. I pulled out of his hug. "Every time you come home you act like a big rock star and you treat me like a crazed scream fan. Brendon I'm not a crazed fan. I'm not screaming. I'm crying because y brother isn't there as my brother. He is there as the lead singer of my favorite rock band. I don't need a lead singer, Brendon. I need an older brother."
"I am so sorry." He said after a long silence. "I hadn't noticed that. I am so sorry. But I am also proud of you. You have never stood up for your self like that. Especially to me." He pulled me back into a hug and kissed my forehead. "I love you Ash and if I ever do anything like that again just smack me and tell me to shut up." I laughed into his chest suddenly become very tired. "Good night."
"Night." And we both fell asleep.