Donna and Mikey visit once more. Annelise comes up with a new nickname for Gerard, and Gerard comes up with one for Annelise.
1. I let another stranger into my life.
2. I have discovered I have a copycat.
3. I still didn't know why I'm in jail.
4. I'm exhausted.
5. I'm, apparently, well-known.
6. No one believes me.. about anything.
7. I still don't know what was so special about that forest.
8. I also don't know why my family stopped talking when Valkyrie was mentioned.
9. I don't remember much of my life.
10. Guilt is eating me alive.
Fuck, I'm on a roll. I'm going to keep going because I can.
11. Frank, the one person I trust, won’t tell me anything.
12. I hate myself. No, I loathe myself.
13. I don't know my old habits.
14. I don't know why everyone is so repulsed and terrified by my presence. Regardless of what I've done.
15. I still can't concentrate on the conversation.
16. We have to pull through on a completely reckless plan.
17. I have a strong feeling that although they said so, my family have not forgiven me.
18. I feel more alone than ever before.
19. Marty will not bring me a nice meal today.
20. I am a terrible, terrible person.
I scoff, running over the list in my head. It all seems to fit perfectly. Fuck's sake, when did my life become an episode of Eastenders?
"What are you scoffing for, Goldilocks?!" Annelise barks, rounding on me slightly. I frown, then proceed to raise my eyebrows.
"Goldilocks?" I inquire, slightly amused.
She just nods and grins smugly. "You walk like a pansy and ate three bowls of porridge at breakfast." Despite her positive attitude, even I can't be sure that it was porridge. All I know is that I was starving.
"Fuck off, Fannylise." Growling, I stand in front of her, chest puffed out and brow furrowed. Her grey eyes set ablaze and her cheeks start glowing red. Suddenly, a pang of guilt and remorse stabs at my chest and my gut oozes with fear. However, instead of ripping my white skin to shreds, she smiles sweetly and nods.
"I thought you'd make a pretty picture using my blood?" I ask. I feel as if I've just chugged down a cool glass of water. But instead of water, it's that one, beautiful emotion..
"Not you. Never you. You can be vicious. Even I wouldn't want to stand in your way. Besides.." Annelise runs her index finger down my bicep softly and smiles, almost shuddering in ecstasy. To say she creeps me out would be an understatement. "Your beautiful blood is too precious to spill." Glancing up at me, she smiles and skips on ahead, reminding me of a girl out a horror film. They look sweet, but once you hold out a helping hand, they'll snap it right off and eat your nails.
"Am I the only one getting a bad vibe off of her?" I ask, looking down to Frank for consent. He, however, seems unperturbed. Quite amused, actually.
"No.. No, I'm starting to like her." He looks back up at me, hazel eyes dancing gleefully. I wonder if he knows his eyes do that. Dance when they're happy. It intrigues me to say the least.
I bet my eyes don't do that.
Heck, no eyes do that.
Apart from Frank's. Frank's eyes are special. A good special.
I like observing, it clears my mind. Whenever I'm stressed I just look at the things around me; always evaluating and unwinding. It's fascinating what you can unravel just by looking around you. For example, Travis just raped someone again. You can tell from his self-satisfied smirk and the poor boy that hobbles along in front of him. He must only be about 20. Another observation is the sky. It'll rain soon, and you can tell by the black clouds that are emerging. I can also tell, just by looking, that Adam is upset.
Adam's a boy that lives a few cells down from mine, and he always eats with his 'group'. However, they are nowhere in sight.
It’s his posture that suggests it. He's hunching over, hands tucked into his pockets, and his head is down. His scruffy, dirty hair falls in front of his face. Although I can only see his back, I can tell he's frowning. Another observation. Just as I'm about to go ask him what's wrong, Frank pipes up.
"So Annelise," he starts. "What the fuck are you doing in an all-guys prison?!"
She smirks widely and shrugs. "Apparently, my.. manner," she settles, "of killing was simply too aggressive. Placed me in here for “extra-safety” precautions." Frank and I exchange another look, the kind where you talk through your eyes, and decide against asking what she did. Suddenly, Bob hauls me away, earning a disgruntled groan from me.
"Visitors." He says simply, releasing his grip of my top. I flatten it down, annoyed by the crease, and nod in recognition. "Donna and Mikey again."
"Oh Gerard!" Mum coos, wrapping her arms around me. I smile and hug her back, absorbing her flowery smell and musty warmth. We stand entwined for a few seconds before I pull away, still smiling. Mikey's just looking at me: his brow furrowed, face scrunched and arms folded. It's like he's trying to deduce if I'm trustworthy. Which, if he is, I wouldn't blame him for. I'm in prison: I obviously screwed up the first time. However, after a minute of hard staring, Mikey nods and smiles, then holds his hand out to me. I shake it gratefully, and then sit down at the table with them both.
"So, how are you?" I ask them, looking from my brother to my mum. Mikey nods, deciding not to speak. Mum, however, breaks into a full-blown story of her week.
"-then I had to tell Charlotte, you remember Charlotte don't you? Such a nice women, bit gabby, however. But anyway, I had to tell her that Donald was looking for her husband, but she told me they were getting a divorce! I felt so bad for her, so I spent the next day sitting with her and helping her. I was really just trying to clear her mind, but she was reluctant to forget. Poor, poor women. This is what happens when your husband goes on a conference, though! They start sleeping with all the ladies and eventually find someone better. I mean, what did she expect Jay to do in Russia?! It's filled with women, lots of women and th-"
"Mum." Mikey interrupts, his eyebrows raised. Blushing, mum mumbles her apology and looks to me, obviously expecting some feedback.
"Oh, what, my week?" My family, somewhat awkwardly, nod. "Well I met this girl called Annelise. She's very nice, I mean, once you get past the craziness.. She murdered her parents and 11 other people.. Oh wait, did I tell you about Frank?" They both shake their heads uncomfortably, obviously not wanting to talk about prisoners. "He's nice, not crazy either. Just villianous, is all. Either way, I think you'd like him."
Mum coughs and places her hand in her lap. "I don't think, Gerard, that I'd get along with prisoners. They're not good company, not at all. Horrible people."
"He's nice, really. And- wait.. What?" Covering her mouth, Donna closes her eyes and shakes her head slightly.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean it Gerard."
"Yes, you did! I mean, I knew you used to hate me.. but do you still!? Even after you realized I don't know what I've done!? I'm not that person anymore, mum. I refuse to be called the same person. I'm not, I'm not at all. I'm not a 'horrible person'." Mikey sits still, baffled, as he watches us stare at one another in disbelief.
"I know, Gerard. I'm glad you’re not."
"You didn't answer my question: do you still hate me?" I ask, raising my eyebrows. Starting to bounce my leg nervously, I watch as a series of expressions swipe over my mother’s face. The air is suddenly thick and tense, and Mikey has visibly stiffened. Mum's deep in thought for a good few minutes before she answers.
"I could never hate you," she whispers finally.
Nodding, Mikey smiles slightly. "And I couldn't either." He interjects. The three of us stare at each other for a while before bursting into conversation once more, and I realize how much I miss my normal life.
I miss everything about it. But one day, and hopefully that day will be soon, all my problems will come to an end. I've just got to find the patience to survive until then.