Kacy finds out that her previous perspective was very off target as she learns new things about herself and the people in her life.
“Come on… That’s definitely a cat. Can’t you see the ears and then the tail… It’s all up there!” Brendon argued. We were currently laying on the top of the picnic table next to each other as we stared up at the sky trying to figure out what we could make out of the clouds.
“I hate this game.” I complained as I rolled over and faced Brendon. He turned to face me as well and smiled.
“Well I can just sit here and stare at you instead. That’s fun too.” He said, running his finger along my jaw line.
“You could but I think I prefer it when you stare at the clouds.” I said, blushing. I could feel his fingers slowly moving and it was starting to tickle a little bit but it still felt very good. I loved the feel of skin against skin.
Brendon laughed at me. “I figured you’d say that.” His finger fell away and I felt myself missing his touch as he went back to staring up at the sky. “Anyway I can talk you out of going to school tomorrow? We could hit the theater and miss the crowd instead.” Brendon said.
“I think I should go. It’s almost graduation so really I just need to finish up a few things and keep up with the last minute work they lay on us. I can’t wait for finals.” I stated; they excited me. I loved the idea of having something to look forward to; something to work on.
Brendon rolled his eyes as he focused on a cloud above him, “You’re so very strange darling.”
“You could help me study though.” I offered, thinking he would object in some way. It was really just a way for me to be kind and extend some kind of invitation to him.
He decided to continue surprising me though. “I’d like to. Just let me know what subject and when.”
I grinned, “Do you need to study before studying?” I asked, teasing him.
“Pretty much.” He admitted, blushing.
“It’s fine.” I told him, “I don’t expect you to be an expert on every subject. I’m not and I’ve been studying all of it through out the year.”
Brendon once again turned and faced me so I looked at him, curiosity filling my eyes as he looked in to my eyes. “I want to be an expert on you.” He whispered as his lips came crashing down on mine.
Shock filled every inch of my body as I froze against Brendon. I didn't know what I wanted but his lips felt good against mine and in that moment of thought I found myself kissing back without realizing but as soon as I did Brendon pulled back and smirked at me with the look of "I win" all over his face.
I rolled my eyes and sat up, the moment broken. "I'm going to head home." I stated, getting off of the picnic table as I felt slightly foolish for giving in to Brendon. Everything in my head was so messed up currently. I wanted him but I didn't want to give in to him. It didn't quite make sense.
I could tell I was confusing Brendon too as he got up with me. "Why?"
I shrugged. "I'm kind of tired and I have a big day ahead of me tomorrow." All the rumors about the fight would after all surface all over the school with different scenarios being told each time and I was sure I'd get hell for it from all of my curious classmates.
"Are you upset that I kissed you?" Brendon asked, shoving his hands in to his jean pockets as he faced me, a look of confusion still playing out on his face as he thought of how cold I had suddenly turned.
I shook my head. "No, it's fine. It's... I don't care, it was nice." I stuttered.
Brendon continued to study my face though and I started feeling nervous. He seemed to be looking pretty hard but what for? "You're lying again. It bothered you. I'll back off... A little." Brendon said softly, smiling. "The next move is yours but I love you too much to just let you walk away so don't go thinking that gets you off the hook."
Love? I nodded but didn't say anything as I turned and started jogging down the path. I felt I needed a quick escape. Love? Love? When had we gotten to that point? And where was my notification?
As I reached my car I stumbled around with my keys, dropping them at least three times before I finally unlocked it. As I turned I saw Brendon staring at me. He gave me a small wave and I could see him laughing at my feeble attempts to get away. I waved back as my face heated in embarrassment. This wasn't how starting over was supposed to happen. So why was I kind of happy?
I sighed in relief at the sight of my bed as I walked in to my bedroom. It looked like the most amazing object in the world at that moment and I fell in to it with the desire to never again leave the safety of the confines of what was once my prison. It wasn't a lie when people said your entire life could change just in a second. I'd been learning that lesson through out this entire sham of a romance that couldn't happen. It seemed to be the only consistent thought in my head as I watched myself reevaluate everything I claimed to think/feel.
There was a knock on my door and I screamed in to my pillow in frustration as my mother walked in, smiling at me. "Hello honey." She said, seeming to understand that something was wrong. How did mothers just know? For all the wrong I felt she had done through out my life I still loved her and I was still more than grateful to have her in my life.
She came and sat next to me on my bed, running her fingers through my hair in the way that she used to when I was younger. "Bad day?" She asked, softly.
I shook my head. "Bad week." I admitted, "Confusing torturous week."
My mother laughed as she continued playing with my hair, "Wait until it becomes a bad year then a bad life." She stated then shrugged. "Then youll realize nothings really bad at all."
"What do you mean?" I asked. How could bad become not bad?
"Things change so quickly. Sometimes over night even. What you thought you didn't want can sometimes be the thing you wanted all along." My mother said softly, sighing. Her fingers momentarily stopped moving as she seemed to grasp for the words to say but then they started back up again as she spoke. "That's what happened with your father." She said and I found myself focusing hard on her words. It was rare when she spoke of my father. I had only assumed he had been a one night stand gone wrong.
As I listened my mothers voice became softer and the words came out in a more forceful manner. "He was the one I loved but believe it or not when I was your age I hadn't wanted love." I did find that hard to believe since it seemed to be all she searched for now. Her search for it had wrecked our relationship. "It was only when he left that I realized I had made the mistake of not letting myself love him and then I realized I was pregnant but he was already gone."
"Why didn't you look for him?" I asked, not understanding how the mistake couldn't have been remedied. If he had loved her then it couldv'e worked out.
"I did." Was her response.
"And?" I wanted to know why it hadn't worked out.
"He died in a car crash Kacy." My mother said, tone showing her hurt and I could feel her pain. It must've been so hard to realize just a little too late that what you wanted you could've had but you hadn't let yourself. "I was too late." Then she cleared her throat and took a few seconds in which I remained silent, unsure of how to comfort her. I hadn't even known. "You see Kacy the world isn't going to wait for us and I loved your father but who's to say that I won't find that love again? All I can do is try." I felt tears welling up in my eyes as I thought of how empty she must feel.
I'd never thought of love as something to work towards. It had always scared me and now to find out the reason of why it scared me was because it had been lost was terrible.
Beforehand it had always seemed to me that it was just something she was working towards but would never achieve. I hadn't believed it could happen but now I did.
There was another knock on my door and my mother yelled at the person knocking. "You're going to have to wait Jerry! I'm talking to my daughter."
I shook my head and sat up. "I'm going to be fine Mom. Thanks but go and be with him." I urged her.
She stared at me for several seconds as if assessing just how broken I was before she deemed me able to be alone and kissed me on the forehead before leaving me to my own thoughts.