"No. But we've got to start somewhere..."
Pulling his shirt back over his head, he turned to leave the room, smacking right into Ryan. He took two steps back from him, and stared into him. Ryan didn’t back away. He stood firm, watching Brendon, waiting for something to be said.
“What did you think that would prove, huh?” Brendon hissed. Ryan shook his head.
“Nothing.” He said. Brendon exhaled sharply.
“Then why did you do it?”
“I wanted to.”
“Yeah, you habit of doing that,” Brendon walked around him trying to get to the door, “what ever the fuck you want.”
Ryan spun around and grabbed Brendon’s arm, pulling him to a halt.
“No. We’re going to talk about this. Right now.” Ryan instructed. Brendon tried to pull his arm away, but Ryan tightened his grip.
“Let go of me.” Brendon sighed heavily. Ryan squared his jaw, and stared at Brendon, knowing he wouldn’t let him walk away.
“Ryan. Let go of my arm.” Brendon tried pulling it away again.
“No, fucking talk to me!”
“What do you want me to say?! You think one conversation will solve everything and I’ll be butter in your hands again? Fuck no.” Brendon stopped pulling on his arm and turned towards Ryan. Ryan let go of his arm, but stayed close to him. If he tried to run, he could catch him.
“No. But we’ve got to start somewhere.” Ryan explained, a harshness still in his tone. Brendon was breathing heavily, his lips pursed into a tight line.
“Why...” Brendon started, the words making him feel nauseas, “Why did you sleep with him?”
Ryan let out a long breath and began hesitantly, “We had been fighting, I don’t remember over what, and I went to Jon to calm down. We had a few drinks and he kept telling me all of these things about how... we weren’t good together. How you always had to be superior to me and all this shit... At the time I believed him.”
“So you just fucked him?” Brendon tightened his fists, holding himself back from throwing something across the room.
“No. I didn’t just fuck him... He told me that he had feelings for me.”
That made Brendon pause. The jealousy started to eat away at his insides.
“Do you have feelings for him?” Brendon asked quietly.
“No. Not really,” Ryan matched his volume, “But the things he was saying... He was just being so sweet and understanding.”
“You don’t have feelings for him at all?” Brendon was still hovering above a whisper.
“You just slept with him because you felt like it?”
“No. No. I was just so upset with you, and I thought maybe...” Ryan looked away sheepishly.
“I thought maybe he understood me more than you do.”
Brendon’s eyes began to water. How could Ryan think that? Sure they would fight, but they always made up the next morning. They always worked through it.
“You hurt me, Ryan.” Brendon said, a little more confident. Ryan looked back up at him.
“No. You don’t. You just shit on every feeling I’ve ever had for you.” Brendon could feel himself getting angry again.
“I didn’t mean to. I was just confused.”
“That’s not an excuse to cheat on someone!” Brendon started to explode. He turned to walk away before he did too much damage. But Ryan grabbed him again.
“Please don’t walk away from me.”
“You have no right to ask me for anything.” Brendon pulled his arm away, and began to walk away.
“Brendon! Please!” Ryan caught up with him, putting himself between Brendon and the door.
“Move.” Brendon grumbled.
“No. Don’t walk out like this.” Ryan’s eyes wear glassy with tears.
“Move.” Brendon repeated himself, before trying to move around him. Ryan stopped Brendon, putting his hands on either of Brendon’s arms and moving him against the wall. He slammed him into the wall harder than he meant to. Brendon stared into Ryan’s eyes, far too close to comfort. Ryan kept him pinned there as he spoke.
“I love you, Brendon. Please, you’ve got to know how much I love you. I know I fucked up. I know I did. I’m so sorry. You deserve someone so much better than me, but I’m begging you to take me back. You don’t have to forgive me. Not right away,” Ryan was sobbing now, “But please. Please, just try.” He looked into Brendon's eyes for some kind of sign. He got no response. Just that same burning disgust. He couldn't take it. Unable to deny himself any more, he pressed his lips down onto Brendon’s harshly. He pushed into him, begging him to kiss back. Brendon grabbed Ryan’s collar and pushed against his collar bone, forcing their lips apart.
“You’re not being fair.” Brendon’s voice cracked, as the tears started streaming.
“I know, but please.” Ryan begged again. Brendon shook his head, balling now.
“I can never trust you again. I’ll never let myself trust you. Ever.”
“No, Brendon. Please! I’m so sorry. I’ll do anything.” Ryan burst into hysterics, grabbing hold of Brendon’s shirt and putting his head on his shoulder.
“You can’t do this to me. You can’t fucking do this!” Brendon shoved back on Ryan, causing him to stumble back. He caught his balance and stood, sobbing, just a few feet from Brendon.
“I’m sorry. I love you. Please...” Ryan whispered.
“Just stop, Ryan.”
“No! I won’t! I love you. Please please please try to forgive me.”
“You can’t do this to me!” Brendon ran both hands through his hair, shouting at him.
“Why not!?” Ryan asked, in more of a sobbing scream than a question.
“Because you know how much a fucking love you! You know! I fucking love you, and you betrayed me. You can’t have whoever you want, whenever you fucking want them! I’m better than that! I deserve better!” Brendon screamed.
Ryan became motionless, his tears becoming silent. He could feel the ripping in his chest. He would never be able to fix this.
Brendon took in a long deep breath, trying to slow his heart. He wiped at his cheeks, and then looked back at Ryan.
“I deserve better and I deserve to be loved. Really loved. And you...” Brendon shook his head, and lowered his voice, “You don’t deserve my forgiveness.”
He slowly turned and walked out the door.
Ryan couldn’t support himself anymore. His knees gave way, sending him to the floor in a heap.