Idiotic Gerards, the return of choco-chip cookies, and hamsters with serious mental problems...NEW CHAPTER, GUYS!!! :D
Chapter Twenty Nine
Gerard’s point of view:
Endless, overwhelming silence swamping my room; the only sounds resounding off the deep purple walls are the dull patter of cold, grey rain dribbling down the windowpane and the creak of the floorboards as I pace up incessantly up and down, trying to tranquilise my frantic thoughts and calm my aching skull, pounding with a thousand tangled thoughts.
The events of the last hour seem unreal, dreamlike. It would have to be an extremely cruelly tantalising dream, but then again, that sounds like the kind of dream I’d have, seeing as my brain seems to take great delight in torturing me and slowly driving me further into the realms of insanity.
I pinch the chalk-white skin of my forearm and wince.
Okay, I’m not in some kind of crazy, fucked up dream.
Which means that the events that occurred in the park less than an hour ago were definitely real.
Oh god, I feel even weirder than I did on my dazed walk home from the park in the dusky grey drizzle, where I felt as if I was somehow drifting from one reality to another, a ghost, a phantom, misguided and confused, my thoughts shattered into a million tiny shards, the remaining broken fragments floating languidly around inside my skull, unable to piece themselves together and make sense of the events that happened in the deserted, dusky park.
Seriously, what the actual fuck happened there?
Did Aled punch me so hard I started hallucinating?
Or did Frank really kiss me?
It felt too real to be a hallucination…the cold, bone chilling fear I felt as Aled taunted me, the utter disbelief when Frank appeared and started sticking up for me, the icy grey rain trickling down my shivering skin, the way Frank’s big, heavy-lidded hazely green eyes blazed before he smashed his lips into mine.
It was better than I remember; lips soft, so soft, hands curling fiercely into my damp hair, body crushed against mine, lips tasting of Halloween sweets and raindrops and adrenaline.
Obviously, he was only doing it to get Aled to leave me alone, but it was amazing all the same…warm skin, cold rain, clashing in the middle creating an epidemic of goose bumps and shaking hearts.
There’s no point in even thinking about hope.
Seriously though, why else would someone like him do that to a freaky, fucked up, misfits loving homosexual who singes his own eyebrows in science experiments?
Hold on, why would he do something like that for me to get Aled to leave me alone either? It’s not like there was anything in it for him- he was just being kind…but why would he be kind to me? It would have made more sense for him to leave me to get mutilated and mashed by Aled’s fist and cruel words after what I’d done.
But nothing seems to make sense anymore…why does it all have to be so messed up? Why do I have to feel like I’m breaking into a million tiny splinters that gouge my heart like shards of broken glass? I’m silently screaming out, but no one can hear me.
In other words, I’m fucked.
Totally and utterly fucked; Bee’s with Mikey now and won’t give a fuck about me, I can’t work out if I’m hated or not by the guy who was once my best friend and accidentally kissed, and there are a thousand voices shouting in my brain, making it feel ready to explode, pounding dully in my skull with a thousand unanswered questions.
Suddenly, there’s a soft knock at my door and, thankful to have a small distraction from my thoughts, I run a shaky hand through my ruffled hair once more and cross the room to open the door
Bee’s standing slightly uncertainly on the landing, hands in the pockets of her skinny jeans, half-hidden by her fringe, hair tumbling around her shoulders in reddish brown curls, slightly damp from the rain. Standing behind her in a rain-soaked Anthrax hoodie and a slightly nervous expression, mousy hair intensively straightened, is Mikey.
“Um…hi.” I mumble, hiding behind my tangled hair and realising I’ve hardly spoken to either of them since the night they got together, just holed up in my room alone, feeling unwanted and self-pitying, but as they both look expectantly at me, Mikey’s eyes apprehensive and hazel, Bee’s warm chocolate and concerned, I feel slightly ashamed to have thought they don’t give a fuck about me anymore.
“Can we come in?” Bee asks tentatively.
“…Um, sure...” I say, still looking determinedly at the floor as I step back to let them both in.
“How are you?” Bee asks a little awkwardly, sitting down on the edge of my unmade bed, while Mikey hovers uncertainly in the doorway, eyeing me apprehensively as if I’m about to jump down both their throats.
“Um, I’ve been better…you?” I mutter, sitting down beside her.
“Umm, alright thanks…” Bee mumbles. I’ve never heard her sound so awkward, so unsure before, apart from her first day at school when she seemed even shyer than me.
I look up at her, suddenly feeling bad; she’s done so much to help me, to try and make me feel better, and what have I done? I’ve yelled at her and ignored her and blamed her and she’s stuck by me the whole time, offering advice and comfort.
“What’s happened?” Bee asks, eyes wide, the minute I shake back my hair and look at her.
“Dude, you alright?” Mikey’s eyes are wide and concerned, looking right at me with hazel worry.
“I’m fine, I’m fine…” I mutter, wishing I hadn’t looked up…do I really look that bad?
I suppose nearly a week’s sleepless nights, running on coffee for energy which makes me shaky and unable to sit still, not to mention the events of this afternoon and getting utterly soaked in the rain walking home aren’t really things that would help your appearance at a time like this.
“Tell us, Gee…we haven’t seen you in ages- it’s like you’ve been hiding.” Mikey says softly, sounding almost sensitive for once, coming over and sitting down on the other side of me.
“I wasn’t sure you guys wanted me around…” I mumble, embarrassed.
“Oh Gerard.” Mikey shakes his head at me. “You know I love you, man, but you really are the biggest moron ever- of course we wanted you around, you idiot! We were really fucking worried about you!”
“Thanks, Mikes…” I half smile at my younger brother who’s all straightened mousy hair, geeky glasses and bright hazel eyes.
“Now, tell us what’s happened?” He says hopefully.
“I dunno…” I mumble, studying my feet.
“Tell us, tell us, tell us!” Mikey chants excitedly, bouncing up and down on the bed. “Did Frank finally get the guts to talk to you? Did you make up? Did you make out? Did you-” Mikey’s enthusiastic squeal is cut off as Bee gives him a firm poke in his skinny chest and says affectionately but determinedly-
“Shut up, Mikey, and piss off for a bit, yeah? Let me talk to Gerard.”
He looks faintly disgruntled, but does what she says, closing my bedroom door behind him.
I have to smile at Bee who grins back, pushing her curls out of her eyes. It’s just then I realise how much I’ve missed her- the girl who brought me out of my shell and made me realise I could make friends, the girl who’s been my first real friend since Cat moved, the girl who’s freakishly observant and always two steps ahead of me, knowing what I feel before I know myself, the girl who has a scary talent with physics equations and a serious obsession with Slipknot, the girl who’s kind and quiet and sensitive, the girl who listens and who never gives up on me.
“So, what did happen?” She asks, her soft voice dragging me out of my cloud of thoughts.
“How do you even know something new happened?” I ask curiously, jiggling my leg up and down, still jittery from the amount of coffee I’ve consumed in the past week.
“Your hair is sticking up more than a porcupine on a bad hair day, so it’s obvious you’ve been running your hands through it, there are bags under your eyes, you can’t sit still for a second, your clothes are soaked from the rain and you haven’t bothered to change, you look half confused, part happy and part like you want to rip your own hair out, not to mention the fact you’re so distracted you haven’t even put a CD on.” Bee says all in one breath and I blink, finally sitting still for more than three seconds for the first time since I got home from the park.
I really have to hand it to her- I swear, that girl is not normal.
“Now tell me?” Bee grins at my bemused expression.
“Okay…” I sigh.
“Well…I don’t really know how to put it.”
“Just spit it out.”
“Okay…uh…Frank…Frank…uh… kissed me.” I blurt, the three words sounding so strange said out loud into the silence of my chaotic room.
Bee splutters and chokes. “…What?!”
“He-uh-kissed me....” I repeat.
Bee blinks, looking utterly bemused, and I decide to tell her the whole story to save her from more choking and spluttering, starting from when I realised Aled was following me after school.
By the time I’ve finished, she’s no longer choking, but beaming.
“But I mean, it’s pretty obvious he only did it to help me.” I say once I’ve finished relating the events of the afternoon.
“Gerard?” Bee looks seriously at me.
“Are you actually that stupid?” Bee says incredulously.
I blink. “What?”
“Gerard, do you really think Frank just goes about kissing people he doesn’t give a fuck about?!”
“He likes you too, moron…as in likes you likes you, okay?” Bee exclaims. “I mean, I knew it all along, but surely it’s obvious to you now?!”
I’m silent, mainly because it’s actually impossible for me to speak right now; my brain is currently having a mental breakdown of happiness, frustration and just pure Oh My Fucking God.
She can’t be right, though; Frank would never like me like that. I can’t let myself hope. I can’t even let the tiniest little bubble of hope blossom in my chest, because if it does, it’ll slowly swell and swell and I won’t be able to stop it, so in the end I’ll just end up getting torn apart like before, being stupid and impulsive so that the most important things in my life get mangled and maimed.
I can’t let myself even think about hoping, because if I do, it’ll slowly destroy me.
“Look, I’d better go, or Mikey will have eaten all the skittles I’ve bought.” Bee says, getting up and cutting through my numb thoughts. “But seriously, how much more obvious does he have to make it, Gerard? He fucking kissed you- that means something, okay?”
“…Yeah, that he wanted to… piss Aled off.” I mutter, still feeling numb.
“You really think he’s kiss you just to piss someone off?” Bee cries exasperatedly. “You are the most infuriatingly stupid person I know! Actually, you and Frank…you two are so STUPID- you both want the same thing but if you both carry on acting like fucking twelve year old girls with their first crushes, you’ll never get what you want! Just give each other a chance, already!”
There’s a knock on the door and Bee yanks it open to reveal Mikey holding a half empty bag of sour skittles.
“Um, I heard yelling…” he says, looking from me to Bee, who looks ready to chuck me out the window.
“Your brother is such an idiot!” Bee cries.
“I know.” Mikey says, popping a purple skittle into his mouth. “What’s new?”
“Frank fucking kissed him, and-”
“Frank kissed you?!” Mikey squeals girlishly, choking on his skittle.
“Yes, Mikes.” I sigh.
“Oh my god!” Mikey yelps, scattering skittles everywhere.
“Shut up, Mikey.”
“But, awww!” Mikey beams at me as Bee rolls her eyes. He is clearly on a sugar high.
“Shut up, or I’m gunna start assuming I’m not the only gay one here.”
“Fuck you.” Mikey scowls as Bee giggles. “At least I don’t get off on pictures of Billie Joe Armstrong!”
“Oi!” I protest. “Neither do I!”
“Suuuure, I’m sure Cat wouldn’t say the same.” Mikey smirks infuriatingly.
“Oh just fuck off Mikey.” I growl. I’m close enough to the edge that if I’m irritated enough by younger siblings, I will throw them out my bedroom window, regardless of consequence.
“Anyway, Gerard thinks Frank only did it to piss someone off.” Bee carries on hastily, cutting off our bickering, obviously sensing Mikey is entering dangerous territory.
“Dude.” Mikey shakes his head. “Are you actually stupider than you look?”
“Aw, thanks a lot Mikey.” I say sarcastically.
“Well seriously, dude, have you looked in the mirror today? You look like a retarded hamster with hair like an explosion in a poodle factory and serious mental problems.” Mikey says.
Before I can kill him, Bee shoves him out the door.
“Look, Gerard,” she says, turning to follow him. “I know it’s hard for you to believe, but trust, that kiss meant something, okay? I’ll see you at mine tomorrow.”
“Tomorrow?” I call after her as she steps out of my room, onto the landing. “What are you on about?!”
“Sleepover- Mikey and my uh-cousin- um…Franklin are coming…be there.” And with that, she follows Mikey down the landing in into his room, leaving me alone, confused and feeling ready to actually rip out handfuls of my own hair, punch a hole through the wall, or just curl up under my duvet and die.
It feels just like the old days as I sit, huddled up on the window seat in my room, alone, staring out at the fine, grey drizzle illuminated by the dull light of the streetlamps that line the darkened street, sipping a mug of steaming black coffee and nibbling chocolate chip cookies, logged into my chatroom on my laptop.
It was what I did every day after school, a tradition, a boring, depressing routine, but then Frank and Bee came along and everything changed.
I didn’t feel like an outcast, the weird, Goth, arty kid no one ever really gave a fuck about, the boy who skulked in the shadows so he wouldn’t get picked on, too shy to ever take a chance and talk to someone. They changed everything, changed me…they made me discover who I really am, what it feels like to be happy, truly happy.
And now everything’s like it used to be. I’m confused and scared and alone, sitting in my stagnant room, watching the rain dribble down the cold, grey window pane from the glowering sky overhead, like salty tears of the sky.
I hate it, I want things to go back to how they were before that fateful night at the park, to when it was me and Bee and Frank and Mikey, four misfits together. It even wouldn’t matter if I couldn’t ever be with Frank the way I really wanted, because he wouldn’t hate me, he’d still by there, by my side…how are you meant to carry on when the thing that matters most to you in your fragile world is gone?
I jump at the familiar sound of my heart-stopping message alert, a sound I haven’t heard for weeks.
CrazyCat228: GERARD!! Where you been these last few weeks?!?! I thought you’d actually blown up yourself up in a science experiment, rather than just singed off your eyebrows…
I sigh, take a bite of cookie but not really tasting it, and reply listlessly.
CoffeeAddict13: Don’t worry, I didn’t blow the school up or anything- I was hanging out with people….sorry about calling you in the middle of your geography test, btw :L
CrazyCat228: haha, tis okay…made it a lot more interesting hehe xD and that’s great!! :D is this Bee and the oh-so-lovely little Frankiekins? :P
My heart tugs painfully in my chest and I stuff more cookie into my mouth, letting the sickly sugar flavour overwhelm my taste buds, but it doesn’t get rid of the bitter taste of regret.
CoffeeAddict13: Was…Bee’s now going out with Mikey, and Frank…oh god, that’s a long story. It feels like a fucking lifetime since I talked to you- so much has happened.
CrazyCat228: Tell me.
CoffeeAddict13: okay, well you know you told me not to kiss Frank?
CrazyCat228: uh oh…I think I can see where this is going :L
CoffeeAddict13: yeah, well I did. And it fucking ruined everything.
CrazyCat228: nice to see you’re still being your lovely drama queen self xD
CoffeeAddict13: shut up. My life is over and your laughing at me D:
CrazyCat228: Tell me what happened?
CoffeeAddict13: well Frank kissed back to start with, but then he freaked out and ran away and we haven’t spoken for like, a week…until today, this guy from school started picking on me, saying I was an ugly faggot and shit like that, and then Frank said all this lovely stuff and then he kissed me…O_O
CrazyCat228: okay, explain to me how your life is over?
CoffeeAddict13: Frank hates me.
CrazyCat228: it really sounds like it :L
CoffeeAddict13: he was only doing it to piss the guy off who was picking on me, okay?
CrazyCat228: oh Gerard, you really are an idiot :L
CoffeeAddict13: WHY DOES EVERYONE KEEP SAYING THAT?! >:(
CrazyCat228: Because it’s the truth xD
CoffeeAddict13: thanks a bunch :/
CrazyCat228: You’re always in denial about something! First it was that you liked Frank, and now it’s that Frank doesn’t like you, even when it’s so freaking obvious he does- even a mentally unhinged moose on cocaine could tell you that!! Jeez, you never change, do you? :L
CoffeeAddict13: I’m gunna log off now. I’m hurt.
CrazyCat228: oh stop being such a girl :L
CoffeeAddict13 has logged out.
CoffeeAddict13 has logged in.
CrazyCat228: I knew you were gunna do that, fuckface :P
CoffeeAddict13: help me?! D:
CrazyCat228: I think the kind of help you need involves trained medics and strong medicines.
CoffeeAddict13: seriously, Cat…I need to make sense of things or my brain is actually gunna explode.
CrazyCat228: what brain? :P
CoffeeAddict13: I hate you.
CrazyCat228: love you too, moron xD sorry, will stop making fun of your retardedness now…tell me what’s confusing you.
CrazyCat228: be more specific and less drama queenish, or I’ll log off.
CoffeeAddict13: fine :( okay, I don’t understand why someone like him would care enough to do something like kiss me just to get some bully to leave me alone- I mean, I’m just an ugly, fucked up, misfits obsessed homosexual with only one and a half eyebrows.
CrazyCat228: I know- can’t see the appeal myself xD
CoffeeAddict13: fuck you.
CrazyCat228: anytime, baby ;)
CoffeeAddict13: haha, very funny.
CrazyCat228: I’ll just have to disguise myself as Billie Joe Armstrong and then you’ll want to….
CoffeeAddict13: shut up, Cat >:(
CrazyCat228: hehehe you know your little friend likes the idea ;)
CoffeeAddict13: CAT! I’M HAVING A MENTAL BREAKDOWN, MY LIFE IS OVER, I’VE RUN OUT OF FUCKING COFFEE AND YOU’RE MAKING FUCKING JOKES ABOUT MY FUCKING COCK!!!!
CrazyCat228: you’re out of coffee? Shit, this is serious- I’ll shut up now.
CoffeeAddict13: seriously, Cat, why would he do that for me though? does it mean he doesn’t absolutely hate me for kissing him before?
CrazyCat228: considering the fact he played tonsil tennis with you, I’d say it probably means he doesn’t want to rip your guts out.
CoffeeAddict13: I just really don’t get why he’s do that for me though.
CrazyCat22: Gee, are you being deliberately even more retarded than normal?! Or are you actually THAT stupid you can’t see what this means?!
CoffeeAddict13: what does it mean?
CrazyCat228: he fucking likes you too, you asshole! Do you not think he made that quite clear when he rammed his tongue down your throat?!
My heart’s pounding in my chest, hands shaking as I type out an automatic reply, refusing to let Cat’s words worm their way into my fragile thoughts and unstitch the denial I’ve so carefully stitched together, like a thin, opaque blanket protecting me from the pain of reality.
CoffeeAddict13: he was just protecting me from the guy who was picking on me, okay? the kiss meant nothing!
CrazyCat228: oh my god, you are such a fucking idiot, Gee! WHY do you think he did that to protect you? BECAUSE HE WANTS TO HAVE YOUR FUCKING BABIES, OKAY?
CoffeeAddict13: it meant nothing, Cat. If he did, then why didn’t he kiss me back before?
CrazyCat228: because he got freaked out? Because he wouldn’t admit his feelings to himself? Cause he was stupid like you? I don’t know, but seriously Gerard…he fucking kissed you, dude!
CoffeeAddict13: it meant nothing!
CrazyCat228: if you say that one more time, I will hunt you down and squash you with one stamp of my Doc Martens, okay, freakface?
CoffeeAddict228: but it’s true!
CrazyCat228: tell me, Gee, did it feel like nothing?
I think back to the park, the dusky drizzle, the muddy corpses of fallen leaves shrouding the grass, the gnarled, leafless trees, the overcast, grey sky; I remember the how determinedly Frank stood up for me, how he kissed me with blazing eyes and fierce lips, shaking hands and soft breath that tickled my skin.
Nothing’s ever felt less like nothing.
It was fucking everything, all at once, from the highest golden sky stretching endlessly overhead to the deepest indigo ocean rolling relentlessly below.
Something like that can’t be nothing, no matter how hard I try and convince myself otherwise.
It was fucking something.
How was it? please tell me what you thought…only a few chapters left now! D: the more reviews I get, the sooner I update, cause the next chapter is already part written xD tis the sleeeepover at Bee’s next time- lots of interestingness hehe :P anyways, yeah, thank you all so much for reading and please please review- this took me like, all day and I had a really bad headache too D: D:
Love you guys- you all fuckin rock!!
p.s. I recently wrote two new oneshots, and would really love it if you could check them out and R&R them, especially the one called ‘will you promise me tonight?’ as it’s the first one in ages I’ve written and actually been kinda proud of- so it would really really make my day if you could take the time to check them out :D the other is just a cheesy fun little oneshot, but I hope you all like it anyway :3
here are the links- ‘will you promise me tonight?’ http://www.ficwad.com/story/169798
‘I’m not o-fucking-kay. Trust me.’ http://www.ficwad.com/story/169415