It had been over a year since I had found Frank had a problem... It had also been a year since I had found out that he loved me back.
“Frankie, you there?” I knock several times on my best friend’s front door, impatiently tapping my left, boot clad foot as I wait. I knew it was early-well, nice thirty in the morning, early for us, but he should at least be awake to answer the fucking door. After waiting a few, agonising minutes I can hear some kind of movement and curse words being muttered on the other side of the door. I hear the lock behind undone and the red painted door opens, revealing an extremely, tired, horrible looking Frank.
His dyed black and red hair was matted, his scruffy fringe falling forwards messily to cover one bloodshot, dull eye. His normally clear, flawless skin was stained with tears, his red eyeliner smudged all around his eyes, making him look like some kind of mutant racoon or something. A thick, sticky crimson liquid stains his tatty old band shirt, and is dried all along his trembling arms. It takes me a minute to realise what it was.
“Frank…”I stand there shocked, my eyes widened with disbelief. He was a mess, how had he gotten so bad? How had I not noticed? Some good friend I was.
“Gee, “his bottom, pierced lip shakes, and more, fresh tear begin to well up in his chocolate eyes, threatening to spill over at any moment.
“Frankie, what happened? I thought-“I gasp when I catch sight of the thin, gleaming object in his hand. A bloodied razor blade.
“Let`s go inside, Frank.”
He shakes his head slightly, his eyes wide from fear. “I`m fine.” his voice cracks slightly at the end, pleading with his eyes for me not to go inside and to just drop it.
“We have to talk...Frankie…”I let my voice drop to barley a whisper, a hug wave of guilt rushing over me as I take in his all to thin, bony form. How had I not noticed? “You need help.”
He shakes his head again, a single salty tear sliding down his sunken face. “No, I don`t. Please, I`m fine!” He whines the last sentence, his tiny body trembling.
“Please, let me help you, Frank,” I place my left hand on his shoulder, trying to comfort him. “I care about you Frankie, you`re my best friend. Please, I’m worried about you, let me help you.”
“Fine…but you`ll hate me…” he turns away, leaving the front door pen so I could follow him.
How could he ever think that? Didn`t he know how much I cared about him…that I…loved him?
“I hate me.” he mutter quietly under his breath, his words stinging me. How could Frank hate himself, he was perfect, brave and talented and such a kind, loving person. Ho cold he not see that? How could he hate himself so much?
“I’m a mess Gee, a big fucking mess,” he chucks the bloodied blade across the room; I heard it clink as it lands on the ground somewhere in the corner.
“We`re all a little messed up, Frankie, but I`ll tell you something,”
“What?” he asks, a tiny glimmer of hope flickering in his weak voice, his puffy red eyes looking up at me unblinking.
“It`ll get better one day, and I`ll be there every step of the way.”I assure him, patting him gently on the shoulder, wanting to just hug him and tight and make him believe me.
I smile at him, and press a kiss on the top of his head, ruffling his greasy, tangled hair. “I promise.”
A year later.
“C`mon Frankie, you look fine!” I try to reassure my best friend and boyfriend, but I could tell it wasn’t working, judging by his doubt filled, uncertain eyes. He inspect one of his arms, frowning at the deep, clearly visible scars on it. his legs were the same, scars of all different sizes and shapes covered them. He hated them, hates being reminded of what he used to be. He hated people seeing them, especially me.
“I don’t know, Gee, maybe we should jut go back home and watch a movie or something.”
I shake my head. “No, you have to face your fears sometime, why not today?” I watch as he struggles to come up with a reason why it shouldn`t be today.
“Not got a reason?” he sighs and shakes his head, muttering something about me being the “biggest fucking meanie” on Earth.
“C`mon Frank, I`ll be there with you, every step of the way, just like I promised.”
“fine,” he grumbles, takes hold of my hand and slowly, he follows me out of the changing room and into the dark, chlorine scented hallway.
It had been over a year since I had found Frank had a problem with self harming, and an eating problem. It had also been a year since I had found out that he loved me back. It had been a long, shaky road to recovery, and this was a big day for him today.
We were both at the local swimming pool, it was one of the hottest days of the summer so far and I had managed to get Frank to agree to come with me. He still had issues with his body, thinking he was fat and hated showing it, even to me. He also had recently taken to wearing long sleeved hoodies to cover the scars on his arms, out of shame and a deep loathing for them and what they signified. Frank had to realise that I loved him no matter what and that he wasn’t ugly like he thought, he was beautiful, perfect. His scars weren’t ugly, he didn’t have to hide them or feel ashamed to show them. They were proof that he had survived. He had gone through a bad time, but he was stronger than that, he was a fighter.
“Gee, what if people stare at me?” he chews on his bottom lip, nervously.
“Who gives a fuck?” I squeeze his hand gently. “You`re fucking perfect Frankie, perfect.”
He shakes his head but I can see the ghost of a smile playing with the corner of his lips. “Nah, that`s you.”
“I love you Frank.”
“I love you too.” I kiss him gently on the top of his head, we start walking towards the shallow end of the main swimming pool. Frank is shaking slightly but a small smile is on his handsome face. some people gave us dirty looks, but we ignored them. They weren’t worth it.
“Thank you Gerard,”
I look down at him puzzled. “for what?”
“For keeping your promise and for always being there for me.”
Hey, so I am well aware that this is a load of crap, but I just wanted to write this to, I don’t know, just let it out. Not meaning to sound like an attention seeker, but this is based on personal experiences. I dedicate this to my best guy friend/boyfriend who is so amazing and helped me in so many ways with getting over my fears and helping me get better when I was going through a really tough time. And for continuing to help me. this is for him. Thank you so much. xoxodakota