"...just till I’m certain I won’t kill myself with it.”
I rub my arm against the blankets, feeling the bandages. All last night I waited for Frank to press his lips to cuts, taking away the bad memories and replacing them with the good. He never did. I feel rejected, like I’m not good enough. I keep hoping, that he’ll lean over and lay his lips on the bandages. I guess maybe he doesn’t want to scare me.
A single tear escapes from my eye, rolling down my cheek. A steady finger wipes it away, casing me to jump a little. Even though I know it’s just Frank I can’t help but move away a little bit. Maybe sudden contact with anyone is going to have to wait for a while.
“Sorry, didn’t mean to startle you,” Frank whispers, gently moving me back towards him. “How did you sleep?”
“Not well,” I answer recalling the face that haunted my dreams. “I keep seeing him, his face.”
Frank sits up, pulling me close to his chest as a few more tears leak out of my eyes. He just continues to hold me, gently stroking my hair until my mother comes in carrying two bowls of some kind of hot breakfast, the steam billows out of the bowls into the air. I watch as she places them on the floor by the bed.
“Frank, you’re mother wants you home by lunch,” my mother says. “How are you feeling this morning Amber?”
Looking at her I do something I’ve only ever done twice before…I lie to my mom’s face, “I feel good.”
She nods, smiling a little bit before walking out of the room, shutting the door behind her. I look to the bowls again feeling the urge to hurl as the smell of oatmeal fills my nostrils.
“How are you really feeling Amber?” Frank asks picking up a bowl and shoveling the runny mixture into his mouth.
“Mentally or physically,” I reply glaring down at my oatmeal wishing I didn’t have to eat it. I know if I don’t Frank will worry.
“Both,” he answers spooning more into his mouth.
I sigh, putting a little bit of the hot breakfast on the tip of my tongue, “Like shit.”
Frank nods, eating his breakfast in silence watching as I continue to take baby bites out of my oatmeal, grimacing as I swallow. I don’t want to eat. I want to sleep and try to forget. At this point even dying sounds good, I’d do anything to make the pain go away.
Reaching down I pull the exact o knife out from under my mattress, scrolling it up until the blade is all the way out, then sliding it back down, the sharp end disappearing. For a very long time I do this, watching the shiny blade, feeling Frank’s hand squeeze mine occasionally.
“Here,” I hand the knife over, “take it. I’d like you to keep it, just till I’m certain I won’t kill myself with it.”
Frank takes the knife from me, sliding it into the pocket of his jeans, holding me to his side for a long while. Eventually I fall back to sleep only waking when I feel Frank’s warm body move away from my.
“I’ll be back as soon as I can, promise. Remember to radio me,” he says, giving me a goodbye forehead kiss.
I just nod, holding both Mikey’s puppy and Frank’s turtle to me. I don’t want to be alone. I can’t be alone. I want someone to be here with me to simply sit in bed with me. As I hear Mikey moving down the hall towards his room.
“Mikey,” I call quietly knowing he’ll hear me. Kid’s got ears like a hawk. “Mikey.”
My older cousin enters my room, his hair sticking up in places, glasses perched at the very end of his nose. He smiles a little bit, coming to sit on the end of my bed. Mikey seems to be the only normal one. I like that he doesn’t appear to be trying too hard. He feels what he feels and is not afraid to show it.
“How ya feeling Amber?”
“Tired, confused, hurt, angry, love, pain,” I start to cry, large tears rolling down my face as Mikey pulls me into a comforting hug. “I don’t even know what to feel anymore.”
“I’m not going to tell you it’ll be alright cause I don’t really know if it will be or not but I’m here if you need to talk,” Mikey comforts me. For the first time I’m glad that no one is trying to protect me. Mikey is willing to say it how it is and that is more comforting than anything I’ve heard in the last two days.
“I feel numb,” I whisper. “Too many emotions are swirling around at once so I don’t know how to feel, Mikey.”
He doesn’t say anything else. Instead he moves us so we are both under the covers. I hold onto my cousin crying myself to sleep yet again. Although he tries his best Mikey can’t sit still for more than a few hours at a time.
“I love you Amber,” he whispers. “I’ll bring you up lunch a little later.”
I nod into the tear stained pillow, closing my eyes and try to sleep, pushing the face of my attacker from my mind. I just have to stay alive until Frank comes back. Then I can melt into him, trusting that no matter what he’ll be here to save me.
Note: Hey guys. Hope you like this chapter. Homecoming is tonight so I might only get one more chapter up before I have to go. Anyways, remember to rate and review :)