the past unfolds and anger is mixed in with sadness, can Xero cope with it? is it worth it?
Chapter 3 :)
Zero and Xero was going to sleep in the same room while Gerard and Mikey shared and Ray roomed alone . They decided to hang out in the Way's room before going to sleep.
We were just sitting around Mikey and Gee's room talking about nothing in particular. I was lying on the bed reading a book I brought along.
"Um, I'm going to go get something from my room." My brother stood up and walked, Mikey following close behind. " I'm going in case something happens." Was the lame excuse he came up with, they were definitely going to do something.
About 10 minutes later I got bored so I wanted to see what they were doing. Oh how I regretted it later. When I silently pushed the door slightly open, I saw my brother and Mikey making out, I mean with tongue and all, on Zero's bed. Okay, maybe I didn't regret seeing that because it was fucking hot! I mean, how many times in a lifetime do you get to see your brother and a totally hot bassist make out?
I didn't want to disturb them so I quickly closed the door and backed away, then I knocked into something. I turn around to see Gerard standing there staring down at me weirdly. I gave him a fake smile that I was so accustomed to giving.
"Aren't you going to go in?" Gerard asked me. "Um, nah, I think I'll hang out in your room a little bit longer." I said while grinning. Lying to people that doesn't have a meaning in your life was easy, but lying to your idol was a different story. He knew I was lying right away, he stared at me "come on, I know something's going on, spit it out." I guess he couldn't stand being clueless.
I sighed, "Well, to start, I gotta tell you my brother's gay." I waited to see his reaction, and of course, no reaction. I continue, "Well, basically, he and Mikey are sucking face inside there right now so I can't go in."
"Oh." he said like it was no big deal. "I knew it!" he suddenly said childishly. "Knew what?" I asked him.
"I knew that Zero and Mikey had something going on, it's good that they found someone they love." He smiled. I could see it in his eyes that he was truly happy about this.
"But, there is something that I find out of place." he said getting serious.
"you." I looked at him, puzzled. "Huh?"
"You, I can see it in your eyes, there's something that's bothering you about their relationship." It was true, I was worried, worried about my dear fragile brother.
I looked down at my shoes and fiddled with my fingers, act of nervousness.
"Come on, you can tell me, that is, if you want to."
"I-it's just, Zero, he, how do I say this...?" I couldn't just tell him outright about my brother's past could I?
"It's okay, take your time, I'll be here to listen."
"okay, well, a few years back, when Zero was in school, he had a boyfriend, the were happy together." I took another deep breath and continued. "That is, until one day, it was on their anniversary I think, the guy broke up with my brother." I was quivering with madness now, the memory just made me want to punch him in the face if I ever saw him again.
"Why?" Gerard asked holding my shoulders, trying to calm me down.
"That's a funny reason actually, the day he dumped my brother, he said to him, I now realize I want a girl, not a guy, we're over, I think you should stop being a fag also, grow up, we're turning 18, we're gonna live real lives now, you can't be with a guy forever. He said that then walked away from my brother, he never contacted him again after that." I couldn't stand it, I could feel a tear slide down my cheek as I remember that day.
"That day, how my brother came home and locked himself in his room, I could hear him crying at night, he wouldn't leave his room, even if he did, he looked horrible, he would throw up and didn't want to eat anything." I tried to stop my tears but it wouldn't stop.
Then I could feel a hand wipe the tears away for me, I looked up to see Gerard with sympathy in his eyes. " it's okay, you can stop now if you want, I don't want to bring back horrible memories for you." he said kindly as he stroked my cheek.
"it's okay, I want you to know, he was like that for weeks, until one day I went into through the window, he didn't even look my way, then I went closer and I saw it, the worst thing my brother could do to himself, he was cutting. Cutting not to die, but to bleed, to bleed all the heartache away. I couldn't stand it, I was seeing him hurting himself and I was just standing there seeing him do it." I had to pause to sniffle, then continue.
"I did the only thing I could think of at the time, I walked over to him, took the knife and slashed at my own arm, I slashed deep enough for the blood to flow freely. Then I saw it, I saw life come back to my brothers eyes as he quickly took the knife and threw it on the floor, he sent me to the hospital." I pulled up my hoodie sleeve to show him the slash scar on my arm, he brought his finger up and traced the scar delicately.
"I always wear long sleeve to cover it, since it's on the top and showing, one time I wore short sleeve, Zero saw the scar and his eyes immediately fell, I could see he was blaming himself for my scar, I told him that it was not his fault, but he wouldn't listen, so I just never remind him of it."
"So, you're worried that Mikey will dump your brother like how that jerk did it? It's okay, I've known Mikey all my life, he's not that type of person, once he loves, he loves with all his heart and forever." Gerard pulled me into a hug and patted my head.
I cried, all the tears from all those years, saved up, only to let it fall now. Then I heard a click, we were still standing in front of my room door, and worse, Zero was standing there wide eyed, I think he heard our conversation, oh shit.
"Xero, how could you...?" My brother said with a whisper, I see tears prickling in the corner of his eyes.
I looked at him, he looked back, his eyes not the usual gentle shade of brown anymore, it was almost black, filled with anger and sadness.
"how could you tell him! I trusted you to never tell anyone ever again!" he shouted at me. "Ze-zero! I'm sorry, but I just am really wor-" he didn't even let me finish my sentence. "No! I don't want to hear your excuses! I don't even want to see you now! I don't trust you anymore! I hate you with all the fibre in my being! Just-just get out of my sight!"
Did I hear him right? Did he say he hates me? My brother that I loved and cared for hated me with all the fibre in his being? Really? By now I was crying silently while my mind was cackling out in laughter.
"y-you... H-hate ... me?" I said softly while looking at Zero's eyes again. I didn't want to hear anymore, I just turned and ran, as fast as possible, as far as my legs can take me.
It was not very far, I was right outside at the park across the hotel. I dragged my feet over to the slide and sat down. I hugged my legs and cried. Cried for all that was worth it.
A few minutes later, I feel a hand on my shoulder. I looked up to see Gerard standing there, he held out a hand for me.
"How long had you been standing there", I manage to croak out. "not long, just a few minutes, I wanted you to let out all your sadness and frustrations, so I didn't bother you."
"thanks." I said as I took his hand and stood up. We walked back to the hotel in silence, when I was outside me and Zero's room, I hesitated.
"it's okay, I switched rooms with Zero, me and Mikey agreed you guys should have some time apart from each other to solve this out, I'm really sorry for causing all these."
"Thank you Gerard, but please don't blame yourself, I was the one who decided to tell you about it, not you." I said and walked into the room and slumped onto my bed and fell asleep instantly. Today was a tiring day.
The next day I awoke to the smell of coffee. I sat up lazily and saw Gerard making coffee, "Morning sunshine." He beamed.
"Are you always this happy in the morning?" I asked while falling and I mean literally falling out of bed and onto the floor.
"No, just today, are you okay?" he didn't really sound like he cared much. "yeah " I went to the bathroom and did my morning routine.
Wash face, brush teeth, toilet, hair, strip, change, mirror and done.
When I went out, Gerard was sitting on my bed and flipping through channels on the tv, sipping his coffee. "So, how did you sleep?"
I shrugged and proceeded to cuddle up beside him to get some fatherly warmth. He didn't say a thing and wrapped his arm around me to comfort me, that what I need most now, fatherly comfort.
I could feel tears brimming on the edge of my eyes as I thought of my father. "Hey, what's wrong, don't start crying again." he said softly.
I reached up and wiped away the fresh tears and sniffled. "Now there's a good girl." he chuckled as I giggled.
There was a knock on the door, "Gee, How's Xero?" Mikey said quietly. "Come in Mikey, she's awake." Mikey opened the door and walked in and sat beside Gerard.
"Where's Zero?" I asked meekly.
"He... He said he wanted to calm down for today." Mikey looked like he was struggling whether to stay here to comfort me or go to Zero.
"Go, I know he needs you right now." I smiled a small reassuring smile. He smiles back to me, gave me a hug and walked back out.
"Let's go down and grab some breakfast okay?" I nodded and got up, put on my shoes and we locked the hotel room door and went down to the dining area. There weren't many people eating there, we walked to the buffet servings and I got myself a plate of bread and butter, Gerard had a bowl of cereals, typical.
We sat down at a table for two and ate in silence. "Why aren't you getting cereal?" Gerard said after a few times of seeing me coming and going just to restock on my bread.
"I'm allergic to cereal." I said simply.
I heard a 'ppffttss' behind me so I looked behind. I sweat dropped.
Frank had splurted out his milk on Ray. "y-you're allergic to cereals?" Frank asked in utter disbelief ."Hey!" Ray exclaimed, he them stood up and went to the bathroom, he knew frank wouldn't care no matter what he said.
"Is that even possible?" Gerard asked in the same tone of disbelief. I sighed.
"Yes, it's possible, if I ever eat cereal, I'll get sick, so therefore, allergic to cereals."
Then I heard a ding on the lift and saw the door open. Mikey and Zero was standing there. I made eye contact with Zero and he quickly looked away and walked to the far end from out tables. I could feel tears on my eyes, the only family I have left hates me now, great, I expect my life to forever go downhill from here onwards.
I looked down onto my now empty plate and stood up, wiped the tears away and told Gerard "I have some things to sort out, I'll be in the room if you need me." I gave him a fake smile I was so accustomed to.
"Sure.." Gerard said, eyeing me.
I quickly walked to the lift and went back to the room. I needed my old friend, the old friend that I had promised my brother I would never meet again.
I rummaged through my luggage till I found it, My black pen knife. I had it when I was 11, quite a funny story actually, now that I think back on it.
I was cutting the old wound from getting my brother to stop cutting, luckily he stopped. But years later, it was my turn, I was depressed because I was getting picked on in school, and when I told my parents, they thought I was joking. I had no one else to turn to so I turned to cutting.
That time, after a few months of me cutting, my brother found out. He took away my razor and looked at me with disapproving eyes, he told me to tell him why I cut. I couldn't take all the stress and told him everything.
The day after that, he went to school and beat up the kids that picked on me, I was so happy, and from then on, no, even before then, he was my idol, my life goal.
He was a big part of my life, to have him hate me, would mean I could just go jump off a cliff. I hissed as the blade cut open the wounded skin on my arm. I was careful not to cut too deep to leave a scar, it would only leave a darker coloured faint line on my arm.
It was like taking a hot bath during a cold day, it was relaxing, it swept all the worries and sadness away. I wiped the blade and stuffed it back into my luggage. I was going to the toilet to wash off the blood when the door clicked open, shit.
"Hey, Xero, are you- Wh-what are you doing??!!" I could hear the concern and anger in Gerard's voice as he saw my arm. I stood stunned, not knowing what to say."""
I guess it's considered a cliffhanger, these notes might just be me talking to myself since i'm not sure if anyone reads this story, so if you're reading, can you please at least give me a smiley face? a review? smiley face as review? anything, from constructive criticism to random and short or just one word reviews, i need motivation :( PLEEASEE!!!"""