It was time for me to sleep. I had used up every ounce of strength in me by fighting and although i did enjoy being wrapped up in Gerard for a few hours, i hadn't forgiven him properly yet. I just couldn't forget what he said. Your kind? My kind? I didn't choose to fall into that occupation, the simple truth was if i was going to keep living and get back to my Mother, it was my only option. I felt like his burden, pure dirt.
You should probably hit the hay now. Gerard said shifting his position to face me properly. He rose from the pure comfort of the couch and extended his hand out to me. I flinched away violently, a complete automatic reaction. Frankie? Gerard sounded hurt, i was dumbstruck for a few moments, completely unsure of what had just happened. He stared right back at me before running from the room, wiping his eyes on his sleeve.
It was my turn to feel guilty now.
He flinched away. Just took a good look at me and didn't speak. It was me crying now. He was actually scared of me? He thought i'd do what everybody else had. I would neve3r dream of doing that, especially to him. It was difficult to explain, just too tender, too special and new to actually put into words. He had kind of formed part of me now, he had started to be a constant fixture. Someone i woke up with every morning and someone i fell asleep with every night. If he was going to leave, how was i supposed to make it through the days? I just couldn't deal with that.
Suddenly, a stream of bright light entered my pitch dark bedroom. Gee? The soft voice was like music to me. He came inside, slowly and gently shutting the beaming light out. He came and set himself on the bed, rubbing my back as i gasped for air. Sorry. He said simply. Why should he say sorry? It was my own fault for scaring him like that, as much as i hated to admit it. Maybe i should take the couch for tonight,let everything calm down. He whispered with some confidence, though his voice cracked many times.
No, stay here. I'd like you to stay, please. I have to make this okay. I begged him. He lay down on the covers next to my shaking frame. He kissed my forehead softly before telling me I won't lie to you Gerard, you deserve the truth. I don't think anything could make this okay. Not right now anyways. I should have guessed it wouldn't, i should have known. How could i hurt someone so precious? I deserved to feel the one i loved being so distant. Distance can be one of the most powerful and painful things in the world. Just like love. A little bit too much like Love.
The next morning
I woke up to an icy breeze drifting inside from the open door. No warm breath on my neck, no hands laid on my side. No trace of Frankie. It hits me like a ton of bricks. I sit up as though someone has pulled a rope that was tied around me. As i expected nobody is beside me. Nobody greets me with the prettiest smile i've ever seen. Just a sealed envelope. One word writen on the front. His name for me. Gee
Reluctantly, i open up the envelope terrified of the neatly inked words carefully and effortlessly beautifully carved onto the paper.
Dear my Gerard,
I wish i could call you mine for real, but you never belonged to me.
You always had someone more worthy for yourself, i will never blame you for that.
Sorry i had to go. I bet this is a huge shock to you, but it was to me too.
I really wanted to stay with you, i really wanted to become yours properly.
I knew we could work it out somehow. You have determination i've never seen before.
Bravery i never knew a person could have so much of. I've gone for a while, a few months at the most. I need you to do something for me though. It will be my decider for if i ever will return to you. I want you to stop drinking. I want you to stop hiring prostitutes. I want you to figure out you and Sophia. One night you came home drunk Gee, you told me you loved her. You told me i would never be her to you. If you only knew how much that hurt. I don't think it's wise for you to try to find me. So you needn't bother looking. If it's meant to be, you will stumble across me at some point.
Thankyou for all you've done, i love you so much.