My eyes stung from the dryness they were aching with, my head pounded from the lack of sleep. It had been two days since i had read his letter. Not a single call from him, not a word sent my way. I didn't know where he was, how he was living, what if he had gone back to being a prostitute again? Since that first night that was all i could think. I even drove through the streets countless times looking for him, just like when he ran away the first time. I thought i saw him in the woods. I could have sworn it was him but as i realised after walking through the trees and dirt for four hours, it was a figment of my imagination.
Greg had also lost it with me yesterday. Said i wasn't coming into work enough lately, he was going to have to fire me. It was time to go collect my final paycheck. I tried to hold on. I begged for a few more days. A week would be fine enough, just seven more days. Yet here i am lifelessly driving to work to get another kick in the teeth, still aching and on the verge of breaking down. Gerard! Greg greets me with a smile. I have someone here to see you! He exclaims clearly thrilled at my surprise guests appearance. Frank! It had to be him! Who else could i want to see more right now? I needed to feel him again, i needed to know he was coming home. Then we could live like Jack and Sally, for real this time.
Hey Gee! My little brother exclaimed in his high pitched squeak.
He was only just nineteen and he already had a son with his on and off girlfriend from high school. Mikey! I'm so glad you're here! I run over to him and cry heavy ragged sobs into his slim black clad shoulder. Gee? You're not that happy to see me! He tried a joke. What's happened, come on, you know you can tell me anything? He said, his eyes, Mum's eyes looking full of sympathy and concern for me. My friend. H-he ran away from me. I stuttered as Greg left us to my nephew who was currently tearing his office apart. Gee, we'll get her back ok? Sophia loves you, she knows you love her too. He tried to reason with me, thinking what most others probably would assume. No Mikes, a friend of mine. Me and Sophia are over. I had a friend called Frank and i pushed him away. Where could he have gone Mikey?! He has nowhere! I screamed the last word, shaking and falling to the floor.
I wiped the sweat away from my forehead and breathed a sigh of relief. I was home. Really home. My mother's old house, the one she lived and died inside. The one that used to be my den for my toys, the place me and my friends would play cowboys and ride our bikes too when the rain got heavy. Belleville hadn't changed a bit. Grey streets, endless skyscrapers, drunks roaming the streets of the city centre, crime rates soaring, but i didn't care about any of that. I loved it here. I really did.
I begin painting the walls a lemony shade, brightening the place up considering this was going to be home now. Ever since they called me that night. My lawyer letting me know that my mother had left me our home and all of her money in her will. She was always looking after me, just how Gerard had as of late.
I felt terrible about leaving. I did. But i couldn't stay. It wasn't right like i thought it would be. It wasn't love like i so desperately hoped it would develop into. We had the potential, god knows we did, but he loved the demon titled alcohol more than me. He craved quick, easy sex every night compared to the endless nights we could have shared. It tore me apart. It was like watching the Twin Towers fall. So strong and beautiful, gone and demolished in seconds. But like the Twin Towers? The Gerard i had fallen for was still there somewhere. I just had to dig through the remains to uncover his beautiful soul. Not that i would get that chance anytime soon. I wanted to fix him now, but forgiving is always a lot harder than forgetting.
Hey buddy. I say as Mikey hands over his son Robyn to me. I try my best to be enthusiastic about seeing him again but i just can't muster up the courage today. And i probably never will if he's gone for good.
Robbie's missed his uncle Gee Gee! Mikey coos.
Gee Gee? I raise an eyebrow at him.
What? Gerard sounds weird when i coo that, it sounds as though i'm some kind of creeper! He protests. Mikey was an excellent father, although he and Alicia couldn't agree on much, especially regarding their son.
Ok then Mikesy! I say mocking his baby voice.
Did i tell you about me and baby momma? He asks me suddenly.
Baby Momma? You mean, the mother of your child? I say. Seriously, Baby Momma? Who says that?
Oh yeah i call her Baby Momma because it pisses her right off. He laughs. Anyways so we got back together and it lasted for like a month and a half, and then we broke up for two days but now we're together and it's lasted for the past seven months! He squeals excitedly. He should be excited, as that's the longest they've ever been together at a constance for. We all knew that he and Alicia loved eachother, i think stress of parenthood at such a young age was straining them both a little. Mikey was only seventeen and she was only fifteen, it can't have been easy. However, they were doing a good job at raising Robyn. From what Mikey had told me they lived with Alicias older brother and he paid all the costs as long as they cooked and cleaned. Not a bad deal from where i'm standing. They were very lucky, considering some teenage parents find it really hard to find a place to live.
It made me think though. My little brother, settled and keeping his family together. Always growing together, always there for eachother. I thought that's what Frank and I were sharing. But it crept upon me like a phantom. I hadn't been there for him at all. I hadn't allowed him to grow with me. I was constantly occupied. More than happy to fill myself with poisons, more
than happy because i always thought he would be waiting for me when i came home each night.
You'll never understand what you've got until it really is, gone.