Oneshot. A little something for anti-bullying week, because it's something I strongly believe in. xoxo
When I first stepped into school, all there was.. was fear.
Eternal fear, not just from the instant my battered, worn Converse touched the speckled, drab tarmac, the instant I ripped out my earphones and heard nothing but the loud, excited voices of my classmates, the instant I saw the black gates of Hell or scrutinizing faces of my peers.
It was the instant I woke up.
The instant my hazel eyes fluttered open and I saw nothing but blackness, bleakness, though my bedroom was filled with streaming light, the twitter of birds audible from outside. The instant my senses checked in, and the only thing I could think was, 'I need to go back to sleep.'
Not just for that night, that day, that week. But for the rest of my life.
It's called scarring. How the bruises form: big, purple, black; how the scratches turn red and swollen; knives slash, raising skin, burning skin, ripping skin, bleeding skin. Broken bones and fractured fingers. Pained eyes, closed eyes, screams, cries, pleas, echoing..
But no one ever goes, ever comes. Never did, never will. Most of society saves their own skin, lives in fear, danger, avoids the truth, pretends they don't see, don't hear.. even what's right in front of them, what they walk past, see through, hear clearly. It's ignorance in it's simplest form - ignoring, pretending.
Some call it being wise - one of them would be me.
They say fear is the biggest enemy.. fear is the eternal enemy, the only enemy. But it's not. Though I fear much, fear everything - fear fear itself - nothing can compare to scars and wounds left and replaced, bruises and casts forced upon me. Forced upon those who don't fit in, never fit in, don't really want to fit it.
Discriminating, painful, mocking marks and scars left not only on my skin, but marks that seep through to my heart and soul, each and every one of my emotions, my thoughts and feelings.. actions. The entire way my body clicks, functions.. and why?
Because people like to destroy. The like to feel big, feel strong; crush the younger bugs, weaker bugs, 'wrong' bugs. The bugs which don't fit in. The misfits and misguided ghosts, spindly shadows and hunched figures, walking alone through the theoretical mist and rain, storms, thunder and lightning. Theoretical because it's not there - it's forced, commanded, demanded; made by those who pray on the weak.
A conjured storm which hangs over the heads of those who 'don't belong'.
But who's to say who belongs? To say what we wear? Eat, drink, say, do, want, like, love? Who we date, what we draw, what we desire? Who's to say what's normal? What's right and wrong? What we can and can't do? Can and can't wear? Speak like?
Who we can be.
Broken souls wander endlessly, never searching for a goal, just dreaming and wishing, building up hope.. only to have it stamped on and crushed, our weak knees obliterated beneath us; hopes, dreams, faith becoming loose until we realize, until we think.. we'll never get there. We'll never make it.
And the eternal pain begins.
Morning to evening, dawn to dusk.
Words, knives, fists, hands, fingers, insults, sticks, stones.
There's an old expression, 'Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.'
It's not true.
Sticks and stones, they'll hurt, they'll bruise, they'll scar, they'll make you think you're worthless, make you angry, make you want to fight back but discover you're too weak.. But words are like knives.
You're tongue's like a knife, it cuts so deep. So, kiss my wrists, my neck, and give me eternal sleep.
I don't just want to sleep for the rest of the day.
I don't just want the insults and beatings to stop for a day.
I don't just want to give in that hour, that day.
I want it all - everything I've ever wished for, ever wanted, ever said; everything I've mentioned above - for forever.
I want it all for forever.
Just a little oneshot about the troubles - emotional, psychological and physical - bullying can cause. I've wrote a little differently, but I hope you like it.