A musical comedy in which many strange occurances... occur and the author inadvertantly ends up in her own terrible story. A guarantee of either laughter or confusion... perhaps even both.
By Cat Alex (who also features)
ACT ONE: Unusual Occurrences
In which the author inserts herself into the story,
quite a few canon characters break into song,
hotdogs are mourned and
Irvine misinterprets the situation
Rinoa looks out over the luscious landscape with a broad smile upon her face from a balcony. She can't believe what a happy ending she got with Squall. She turns and a flock of doves soar into the sky behind her. She prepares for a song...(cue poorly written, slow paced and witted, Could It Get Any Better?/ NO)/
Rinoa: Could it get any better?
The sun upon my face,
And a love letter,
I can cherish and embrace?
She stretches her arms out and twirls around, the sun shining on her as if she were an angel. The doves fly around (apparently with the joy of it all) and make a pretty backdrop for our ex-heroine.
Rinoa: I have Squall,
And he loves me,
He's still not very droll,
But I'll change him you'll see!
Chorus: I'm not sure it could get any better,
My life is working out to the letter,
I have fun all day,
Keep crazy Zell at bay,
And now I'm running out of things to say!
Rinoa: Could it get any better?
My singing is anyway,
I'm a singing trend setter,
And now I'm having my say!
Squall walks in and she stops the song and looks embarrassed. Here we revert to a 'normal' play.
Squall: Rin, there could be a hitch in our plans for happiness.
Rinoa: Oh no! What?!
Squall: The cafeteria. Something's happening!
The two sprint off and it fades to black. We are left in the dark, when a single spotlight falls onto a certain blond haired man who laments hotdogs. Cue Zell, folks!
Zell: I can't believe of all the cafeterias in all the world you had to appear in mine...
He tuts and shakes his head in remorse, presumably for the lost hotdogs, before standing in a stance that braces us for singing. Roll in the tune for the equally poor song, /Oh, Where Art Thou Hotdogs? /He looks around forlornly for his precious hotdogs. (Think of a dramatic, heavy handed piano number)
Zell: The hotdogs! The hotdogs!
Why were they so cruel to take them?!
My hotdogs! My hotdogs?
The jewel of my eyes, my gem!
My soul is torn in two!!!
How could you be so cruel?!!!
As to take a mans pride and joy?
In the form of such an unusual ploy!
Poor Zell sinks into a memory of the event. The music becomes gentler and sad.
Zell: A mysterious portal appeared...
It was a swirling mass of colours,
So beautiful and weird!
But stole my hotdogs and caused intense fervours!!!
He becomes quiet and crouches on the ground, shaking his head as if the memory is too much for his brain. He becomes rather dramatic and passionate.
Zell: (chorus) It itches in my brain!
It's driving me insane!
I must, I must avenge my hotdogs!!!
Who would've thought this would of happened...
I'll never take you for granted again...
But now you are gone,
You are driving me INSANE!!!
He can't seem to take reliving the memory anymore, so gets up and runs off as the lights turn on to reveal he was standing in the cafeteria. He rushes past Squall and Rinoa who have just arrived on the scene.
(Revert back to play)
Rinoa: Wow, this must of really hit Zell hard, huh?
Squall: (/gravely/) He was quite...upset, but he'll get over it. I'm far more concerned with the swirling portal of light right now.
Rinoa peers closer. The portal is a spiralling mass of bluish colours that has settled where the hotdogs used to be, making it impossible to access them.
Rinoa: I wonder where it goes?
Squall shrugs and picks up a chair to poke through it as Irvine and Selphie arrive on the scene with worry on their faces.
Irvine: Hey guys, Nida told us about the whole deal.
Selphie: I can't believe he was just eating his lunch then, BOOM, a big old swirly-thing appears for, like, no reason!
Rinoa: I know, how weird is that?
At this point, the portal makes a worrying noise as Squall feeds the chair into it. The chair spirals into the light and disappears. The portal changes from a mix of blues, silvers and white to more purplish colours and the crew back away. It makes some static noises and faint sounds can be heard from it as follows:
Thump sound as chair hits the beyond.
Voice: Ow! What the-?
Rustling sounds and curses muttered.
Voice: Where the hell did these things come fro- whoaaaaAAARRRGGGHHHH!
Distinct sucking noises are heard and the portal turns to more reddish colours and spits a girl out onto the cafeteria floor.
Girl: Owww, I am NOT inclined to do that again!
Girl looks around.
Girl: Oh no, where am I?!
Squall steps forward and offers the girl a hand up, which she gratefully takes and stands unsteadily.
Squall: You're in Balamb Garden. I'm Squall. Who are you?
The girl's eyebrows shoot through the roof in shock and she stares at the landscape in awe.
Girl: Bloody hell, I'm in Final Fantasy VIII! No f'ing way!
Rinoa stares at the girl funnily.
Rinoa: What is that accent? You sound so strange...
The girl gathers her marbles and eyeballs, shoving them all back into her head and looks at the group in total awe.
Girl: I- I was writing about you guys. You were going to be a sort of musical... I, uh, my name is Cat Alex - call me Cat, or Alex, whatever you please. Cataplexy if you feel like it...
Cat is staring dreamily at the group she was recently writing about like they were aliens while Selphie ponders Cat's comments.
Selphie: What kind of a name is Cat Alex?
Cat: Well, honestly...it's an odd story actually. Cat Alex is short for Catherine Alexandria, which is my Saints Day. The twenty-fifth of November is St. Catherine of Alexandria's day, 'cept I think she got booted off the Saints calendar coz they didn't think she really was a Saint...
Selphie: Yeah, yeah, fascinating, Cat. So, how do you know who we are to write about us? I haven't seen you wandering around here like a stalker.
Irvine: Yeah, what the hell is 'Final Fantasy eight'?
Cat gets worried about their reaction, but takes a deep breath.
Cat: Well, from where I come from, which definitely isn't this world but a place called Earth -
I live in England - you lot are all a game we can play which is part of a whole series of games called Final Fantasy. I decided to write a musical fanfic about you guys when I got sucked into that portal after getting hit with a chair.
Rinoa: Hey, so that's why I was singing today! I thought that was odd...
Light dawns in Squalls eyes.
Squall: Wait, you could control us from your computer? What the hell?
Cat thinks about it.
Cat: Man, this is confusing! Uh, maybe we're inside my computer, or fanfic file? Perhaps the portal joined with the alternate universe which was here and somehow caused my fanfic to affect it? Who knows?!
Cat gets panicky and begins to pace while fiddling incessantly with her hands.
Cat: (/muttering/) I was supposed to write in another few numbers...
The group leave her alone and gather in a huddle.(All whisper at this point)
Squall: So what do you think?
Rinoa: I think she's nuts, but on to something.
Selphie: I'm with Rinoa. She could of created us or something!
Squall looks at the frenetic Cat pacing, fidgeting, twitching and muttering to herself.
Squall: Well, I hope not, because she doesn't look much cop as a creator.
Irvine: If what she's saying is right though, we'll probably stop singing. If she's here, she can't write anymore songs for us to sing, right Rinny?
Rinoa: Right. The song she gave me wasn't so bad, though...
Selphie: Rin! Why would you want to sing songs right now! We have to deal with this Cat girl!
Irvine: Can't we just shove her back into the gateway?
They all look to the portal to see it's turned a putrid mix of greens, as if it was ominously signalling the group to not even think about it. They re-huddle.
Squall: Looks like 'no' right now. Well, best we can do is give her a room and begin to deal with the problem.
Irvine: I getcha. By 'room' you mean a holding room. And by 'deal with the problem' you mean... (lifts a finger to his temple in a gun shape and pulls the figurative trigger, making a gunshot sound)
Selphie promptly hits him in the head with a small, but powerful, fist.
Selphie: Irvine! She's not an enemy or something! You're being totally mean to someone we don't even know. She seems nice enough.
Rinoa: Yeah, I agree with Selphie. Let's just put her up for the night while we come up with a plan.
Selphie and Rinoa high-five while Squall looks distinctly annoyed.
Squall: Rinoa, this isn't the Timber Owls. We're not going to huddle in some corner of Garden and come up with some hackneyed plan that's only going to lead to more trouble than, say, Irvine's simple but ultimately messy and flawed plan.
Rinoa first looks shocked, then scowls vehemently and flounces off, making sure she swishes her hair so it smacks Squall in the face. Squall looks vaguely perturbed and looks at the other two. Selphie averts his gaze and follows Rinoa.
Squall: What? I was only being honest. We said we would be honest with each other and... share feelings and... things.
Irvine: Dude, lemme tell you. There are certain kinds of honesty. And the kind of honesty you just employed was the bad kind. You blew it, man. You better hope she really loves you and you're prepared to beg a bunch otherwise...
Irvine shrugs, his eyebrows almost comically raised before leaving Squall to take a seat on a cafeteria chair and ponder his actions. Cat sidles over and looks uncomfortable.
Cat: Um, can I sit here?
Squall: (/looking into space/) Whatever.
Cat takes this for a 'sure' and sits down, but still looks on edge, her eyes wandering around the cafeteria like a hunted animal.
Cat: ... I could write it so you patched it up all good again.
Cat: It... it would sound bad on paper, but here it would be awesome. If I could go back... (/she sighs heavily/)
Squall: (/lifts head and looks at Cat in passing/) If it doesn't change colour by tomorrow, do you want to risk going through?
Cat fidgets for a minute before facing Squall with a more resolution.
Cat: Yes. I want to go home. This place is cool and all with magic and all you guys but... my laptop's been left on and my parents might think I've run away. I'll risk it. Then I'll patch you're story up and Rinoa will talk to you again.
Cat: Well... I'll head to the dormitory - I already know my way around here. Be cool to have at look around at the real deal. I'll ask Dr. Kadowaki where to stay over for the night or whatever. Uh, bye.
She scurries off, leaving Squall to ponder alone.
Squall: ... This feeling...
Could it truly be love?
Every fibre in my being,
Yearns to be accepted.
Squall frowns as the misstep at the end that doesn't rhyme with love and stands, walking toward the swirling portal and frowning.
Squall: This device,
It is the cause of this singing,
Such a vice,
I truly despise.
He frowns again the ending that fails to run in a regular rhyming pattern and shakes his head, as if to escape from mind control.
Squall: (/murmurs/) What are you making me do?
Squall: (/grasps head and shakes his head/) What are you making me do?!
/Squall steps out of the song /What Is This Feeling?, and storms away, covering his mouth lest another note exits his mouth.
~~~Fade to Black~~~