On stage I could put everything out of my head and put on my best performance but off stage is when harsh reality comes back to me. I marched backstage and dressed in my next costume; blue corset, black leather mini and ballet slippers that laced up my legs. I felt I could really use a drink right now, so I went to the bar in search of anything with a strong pain killer. I walked past Gerard's table where a few men and girls were sitting with him, drinking and enjoying the show. He looked up as he saw me go by and followed.
"Hey sugar." He purred in my ear as I placed my hands on the bar as I ordered. He put his on my hips and nuzzled my neck as I was faced away from him. I slammed my hands down with a smack and turned around.
"What, no one at that table is a good enough whore for you, so you come to me?" I yelled just loud enough for only him to hear over the music.
"What are you talking about?" He said as he wrapped his arms around me. I pushed him away and rolled my eyes.
"You know what I'm talking about Mister 'Thanks for being my date, making out with me and eventually fucking me. Here is a hundred dollars'." I spat as I grabbed my water and left to continue the show. He stood speechless as I didn't take a single glance back. As I approached my side of the stage, Tom stopped me.
"Are you okay?" He asked seeing as I was flustered. I nodded and tried putting on the best smile I could. Tom is Desiree's' helper and husband.
"Perfect." I chugged down my water and went out to dance my little heart out.
After changing back into my normal clothes I walked out the back entrance of the building. Guess who stood waiting for me smoking a cigarette. Yes, Gerard.
"What?" I spat as I continued walking around to the sidewalk.
"Talk to me. Please?" He tried grabbing my hand as he walked beside me.
"Why should I?" I asked rummaging thru my bag for my keys.
"Because I don't know what I did." He said confused. I stopped in my tracks and faced him.
"You don't know what you did?" I asked slowly and pissed off.
"No, I really don't." He said coming closer to hug me. I stepped back and held my hand out for him to stay where he was.
"You gave me hundred dollars Gerard. That told me I was nothing but a whore for you to be seen with in a parade, and quick kiss and if it went any further a quick fuck. Then you would forget about me, so don't tell me you didn't know what you did." I said walking away again with tears in my eyes. "I've been hurt enough, I don't need this." He ran up behind me and grabbed my waist and pulled me to him. I didn't object seeing as I was already crying.
"Sugar, I can promise you that was not my intention. I just knew you could use it until you got back on your feet." He whispered in my ear. I turned around in his arms and held onto him. He stroked my hair softly while I cried.
"How would you know I needed the money?" I whispered.
"Jamia mentioned you didn't want to go out with them because you couldn't afford to do anything right now." He sighed. "Don't be mad at her for saying that either, she didn't know I knew you." He said pulling my chin up so I could see his face.
"But how would you know that was me?" I asked as he wiped away a stray tear.
"She said her new neighbor, so I just put the pieces together. Plus you were really upset at the club that morning, it clicked." He said with a small smile as I looked down at my feet.
"Do you want me to take you home?" He asked. I nodded and he pulled me back into a hug. "Okay, lets go." He took my hand and led me around the front to his car. On the way a few fans stopped him for an autograph. He was so passionate about his fans, I couldn't help but smile while I watched him. We drove in silence to my apartment, he did reach over and take my hand once. I didn't even ask if he wanted to come up but I couldn't resist him. We held hands all the way to my floor and until we were inside. As soon as we walked through the door, something came over me. I pushed him against the wall and rained his face in kisses.
"I"m so sorry." I said pressing my lips to his. He didn't respond at first but finally gave in. I pulled away and kissed down his neck until he pulled my face back to his.
"Honey, stop." He chuckled. "Why are you sorry?" He cupped my face with both his hands.
"For acting like such a bitch to you." I blushed. "I just think to much into things, but I really can't take your money." I said kissing his cheek.
"Don't apologize for that, and yes you can take my money. You need it." He said kissing my lips gently. I grinned at him and looked behind him in the mirror.
"Oh god, my eyes." I said touching them. "I'll be right back, make yourself comfortable." I nudged him softly towards the den. I ran down the hall to my bathroom and wiped away all the smudged makeup. I took my coat off and pulled my hair back. I walked down the hall slowly because I suddenly felt dizzy, but I stopped for just a second to catch myself. When my head stopped spinning I walked back to Gerard sitting on the couch watching TV. I sat in his lap and played with the collar of his jacket.
"Aren't you hot?" I asked smiling as I slid his jacket from his shoulders. He stared at me with a shocked expression.
"Um, not really but okay." He said helping me take it off. I grinned and threw it across the room to land on the chair. I looked at the TV and saw he was watching Sixteen Candles. I stared at the screen before bursting into tears.
"Chrysanthemum, what the hell? Why are you crying?" He asked pulling me into his chest.
"Be..caus.e you're wa..tching that." I sniffled.
"Okay, but why is it making you cry?" He said stroking my hair as I sat up in his lap. I shook my head and willed myself to stop acting like a baby. Once I wasn't shook up anymore I talked.
"My mom and I used to watch this every Friday night." I said remembering that night.
"Do you want to talk about it?" He asked. I hesitated for a second before I nodded. Momma always said I needed to talk about it with someone that wasn't her, so why not Gerard?
"That night my dad came in mad and started cussing at her. It would go on every night but he snapped that night." I shuddered at the memory. He noticed and rubbed my back to assure me it was okay. "She got pissed and threw a remote at his head and it missed by an inch but it really made him mad. He screamed at her like he always does but turned to me." I felt tears start again. "He yelled at me to go to my room and he would be there in a second. I thought he just wanted to talk with her so I obeyed. I heard slamming of doors and cracking of wood, then my door opened and slammed shut." I looked away from Gerard and let the tears fall.
"You don't have to do this." He said seeing I was upset.
"No, I need to talk." I said between hiccups.
"He had a knife in his hands. He limped over to me and pulled me up by my hair." I gripped Gerard's hand and he squeezed it for courage. "He took the knife and cut my hair on one side, then the other and pushed me down on the bed." I took a deep breath and continued. "He cut my shirt open and drug the knife down my stomach just to cause pain, the more he did it the more it hurt and the last time he went over it he cut deeper.." I stood from his lap and pulled up my shirt enough for him to see my stomach. He reached out and touched the long scar from the bottom of my breast to my navel. I flinched when he came in contact with my cold skin. "My mother never even knew he did stuff to me. She made him angry and he took it out on me." I dropped to my knees and Gerard was right by my side. He pulled me so my back was against his chest.
"Do you know how many times I wished she would come in and see him slicing my skin? She never heard my cries or screams she was too drunk." I cried harder into his already wet black button up shirt. Gerard just continued to rub circles on my back, hips, waist and run his fingers through my wavy hair.
"I'm sorry." I said to him again. "I just can't, I'm scared." I said through sobs.
He picked me up bridal style and placed me on the couch. He left me and walked towards the kitchen. He had a wet, warm wash cloth in his hand and the other had a tub of strawberry ice cream from my freezer and one spoon. He sat down beside me and wiped my face with the rag then placed it on the coffee table in front of us. He sat the ice cream down in my lap and took his shoes off. I watched as he turned the TV off and walked over to my stereo. He looked through my CD collection and smirked at me over his shoulder. He had put in Christina Aguileras' new album and he walked back to me and put his legs up on the sofa and leaned back. I wiped my eyes one last time and crawled in between his legs and laid back on his chest. I opened the ice cream and took one huge scoop into my mouth. I looked up and saw Gerard smiling down at me as he kissed my forehead. I scooped more ice cream and lifted it to his mouth. He took it and giggled. As I sat curled up with him, listening to my inspiration, I thought to myself life couldn't get any better than this. He kneaded my shoulders and whispered "I'm sorry that happened to you." in my ear several times. We laid like that for almost two hours before I glanced at the clock and saw it was already 11:00 o'clock. I sat up and turned over so now my stomach was against Gerard's.
"Gee?" I whispered in his ear as I wrapped my arms around his neck.
"Hm?" He mumbled as he scratched my back gently.
"Can you stay with me tonight?" I whispered into his neck before I kissed it.
"Yes." He said back before pulling me into him even more. I lifted my head from his shoulder and looked into his face. He had his eyes closed and was so peaceful. I leaned in so my lips were just above his and I paused. His eyes fluttered open when he could feel my breath on his lips. I put my hand on his cheek and stared into his eyes. He brought his hand up and placed it over mine on his cheek and leaned in a bit more.
"I think I'm falling for you." He mumbled into my lips. "Fast." He added at the end. I had nothing to say to that. I leaned in all the way and crushed his lips against my own. He kissed me so softly at first but sat up some so I was straddling his hips again. I licked his bottom lip and he opened for me. As our tongues fought for dominance he won but I couldn't have felt happier. He pushed back so I was lying down on the sofa and he laid down over me. He never broke our heated kiss but only to speak the sweetest words.
"I'm not hurting you am I?" He asked just above a whisper.
"No." I said before capturing his lips with mine once again.