~Over and Out
Walking in the rain. . . I notice that the droplets pelt my body over and over again, but I don't seem to feel it. It's like my I'm numb. Cold air swirls around me and the wind lashes against my face, but I can't feel that either. I wish my mind were numb. Feelings sealed tight inside of me boil and churn, threatening to pour out. Part of me wants them to, and part of me wants them to go unnoticed. . .ignored. . .like I am every day.
Every day feels like a fight to stay in control of myself. At school, it's even worse. My brother-as much as I love him- doesn't help either. Everyone knows him, loves hims, fawns over him like he's some rock star or something. Of course he tries to ask me what's wrong but it's not like it's easy for me to spill my guts out to him. Seeing him, the pride and glory of everyone with a crowd following him everywhere, it's sick. And then there's poor old Mikey, who has to keep himself from fading away in the crowd. . .
I hoped someone will save me. I was drowning, floundering in this dark hole of what is called depression. Gerard would only get mad at me when I tried to bring it up. He'd say "You're only saying this for attention! You want people to feel bad for you. It's disgusting the way you feel sorry for yourself!" But I wasn't. I just wanted to be happy. In my dreams it's worse. I wake up with cold sweat and memories of blood all over me and corpses dragging me down.
And one dream was worst then them all. It was at my old house. All my family and relatives were inside, having a great time and laughing over some perverted joke my uncle must have said. I was yelling, screaming for them to notice me. I screamed as loud as I could but nobody looked at me once. It was like I was invisible. So I went outside, grabbed a gun and pointed it at my head. I pulled the trigger but nothing happened. I could feel a sharp pain in my head and warm wetness running down my face, but I was still alive, still suffering. I woke up screaming.
And every day, as I walked among the desolate neighborhood. . .I could only hear one thing. Notice me, Notice me Notice me, notice me, notice me, NOTICE ME NOTICE ME NOTICE MENOTICEMENOTICE- STOP! And then I jumped off the bridge.