The secret story behind Gerard and Lindsey's first kiss.
“Sometimes, just saying that you hate something, and having someone agree with you, can make you feel better about a terrible situation.” – Lemony Snicket
Gerard Way sighed solemnly as he flipped through television stations, never resting on one for more than 4 or 5 seconds. He was sprawled out on the tour bus couch, his leg shaking from restlessness. It wanted to be outside in the cold air, walking him to some unknown destination. Yet he could not, as it was quite freezing weather tonight, and he himself was coming down from a bad cold.
His brother, who had not joined them for this tour due to recently being wed to a young Alicia Simmons, had scolded him over the phone, "Don't go anywhere tonight Gee. The last thing we need is you getting worse and needing to cancel shows. Just stay inside, stay warm. Please?"
His brother sounded worried, and Gerard could only guess it was because this was the first tour they had spent apart from each other in years. Still, that did not stop Mikey from nagging him with reminders and lectures. Damn technology and it’s enabling of long distance communication.
His band mates had advised him to do the same, although to his great disappointment, none of them actually bothered to stay inside with him.
No, Frank, Ray, Bob, and Mikey's replacement Matt were all out having a wild time at some after party. Assholes, Gerard thought bitterly, rotating from his belly to his back for the umpteenth time that hour.
He could imagine them all having some amazing time, drinking until the night was hot instead of cold. Each of them probably with women throwing themselves at them. He thought of Frank, turning down some gorgeous dame because his "heart was taken by another", or whatever stupid phrase he always used whenever he turned down someone for Jamia. And he would have that smirk, that damn smug smirk he got whenever his ego was inflated by the flattery of being hit on by a beautiful girl (or boy).
Gerard had a small coughing fit, feeling as though some feather was tickling the back of his throat. When he finally came down from it, he groaned miserably before he heard a loud knocking coming from the door.
Suddenly, the voice of his brother popped into his head as though he was speaking directly into his ear.
"Remember, Gerard, never open the door if you're by yourself. You never know who could be at the other end --- some crazy fan, or some psycho trying to kidnap you and torture you in some remote location!"
"Torture? Really Mikey?" had been Gerard's exasperated response, "You think anyone really sits around, plotting to torture me? I mean really, think about that. What purpose could they possibly have?"
"Hey man, people are sick these days." Mikey had argued stubbornly.
Scoffing at his brother's parent like advice, Gerard got up from where he lay and dragged himself across the short distance to the door. It took him some effort to slide it open, but when he did, it revealed no crazed fan, nor ski mask wearing torturer.
A girl with dark hair tied up in two pigtails stood on the outside of the doorway, but the only thing Gerard could really see in the darkness was the bright red lipstick she always donned. They exchanged small “hey”s before he stepped aside and allowed her in.
As she walked into the light of the bus, Gerard was able to examine Lindsey with much more clarity. She looked as lovely as she always did on stage, even hours after playing and having to deal with hordes of fans. Yet something caught his eye that was not quite so lovely.
"Your knee." he gaped, and she looked down at the spot in which Gerard was staring. There were various cuts where her right knee was, and blood was leaking down her leg from each one.
"Oh yeah... I scraped it." Lindsey smiled at him calmly, although her voice sounded unconvincing. Gerard stared at her uneasily before she pressed on.
"I came because our bus seems to be missing our first aid kit." She explained, "Jimmy probably used it all doing something stupid. You mind if I use yours? I just need some gauze to stop the bleeding."
"No --- no of course not." Gerard stuttered. He scrambled into the bathroom to find their first aid kit, although he could not explain why he was suddenly overcome with nervousness. He was frantic, almost as though Lindsey had told him he had a time limit of 30 seconds to find the thing. It must have shown, because Lindsey could have been heard giggling slightly behind him.
Gerard finally pulled it out in no less than a minute and Lindsey took it graciously. She placed it down on the coffee table, and retrieved the gauze from within. They both sat down on the couch, and she then bent low in an attempt to place the gauze.
Jumping into action, Gerard suddenly grabbed the arm that was closest to him. She sat up and looked at him with a questioning stare, and Gerard was rendered speechless for a moment. When her large eyes met his, which he suddenly felt were squinty and awkward, time itself seemed to stop. All the words he wished to say became lost within his throat, and it took him a long moment to finally blurt out, "Here, let me get that for you."
She seemed reluctant at first, but handed over the items to Gerard. He then retrieved some cotton balls and a bottle of rubbing alcohol. Opening the bottle, he poured a little alcohol into a cotton ball and set the bottle down.
"This is going to sting a little." he warned her, "But just to make sure these don't get infected..."
He leaned in closer to the scrape, enough to confirm his suspicion that they weren't scrapes at all. Frowning, he said nothing and got to work. He heard her hiss slightly as he dabbed the wounds as gently as he could muster.
Finally, he sat back up and applied the gauze. He pressed the material over the wound and taped it in place quickly. The finished job looked surprisingly neat and covered no more than it needed to.
"You're a pro." Lindsey couldn't help but laugh. "It always comes out really messy looking whenever I do it."
"I..um...I've had a lot of scrapes before myself." He smiled at her somewhat sadly, and for a moment her lipstick grin flickered.
There was quite an awkward pause after this, and for a moment Gerard was simply waiting for Lindsey to leave now that her task had been completed. However, while Lindsey appeared a bit uncomfortable herself, she was looking everywhere but the door.
"Where is the rest of your band?" she asked finally.
"Party." Gerard mumbled, remembering what had him in a slightly bitter mood earlier.
"Oh. Why didn't you go with them?" she then asked.
"Sick." He mumbled once more, but regretted it immediately. He should not have said that. He half expected her to now back ten feet away, thinking that she wouldn't want to catch his illness.
Yet to his surprise, Lindsey moved even closer. She touched his forehead with a cold hand, and frowned in the same way he had when he was looking at her knee.
"Poor thing." she sighed, "Would you like me to get you any soup? I don't think we have anything other than instant noodles though. There might be a store nearby..."
"No thanks." Gerard blushed slightly at her touch. He would have actually liked some soup, but he did not want to hassle the girl any further. "Your company has been great. You can't even imagine how bored I was by myself here."
Lindsey shook her head, "I can't believe they left you alone like that. Especially since you aren't feeling well…"
Gerard chuckled, "Well I can't really blame them too much. To be honest, I'm actually sick all the time."
"I see." she nodded, and the silence fell on them again. This time however, Gerard took it upon himself to keep the conversation going. He wasn't sure why, but he could tell that Lindsey didn't want to leave just yet.
"Are you -- how are you doing?" Gerard asked, sticking with a safe question. He had originally wanted to ask "are you okay?", but he thought it might sound too personal.
He really was not sure how comfortable Lindsey felt with him at this point. Although they had surely grown closer since their second tour together began, they just could not seem to act around each other as good friends do. Gerard always wondered if this was because they had something between them that was more than just friendship. Yet the idea was strange to him, and it confused him for the same reason that Frank always told to the women he so often turned down: his heart had always belonged to another.
"I'm doing okay." Lindsey answered, and Gerard almost forgot he had asked the question. He didn't know if it was because his mind had wandered, or it had taken her a strangely long time to answer, or perhaps it was both those things. Nonetheless, her answer was short and unsatisfying of Gerard's curiosity.
He then summed up whatever small amount of courage he had and asked something he had wondered about for some time since the tour began.
"So, are you seeing anyone right now?"
"Well..." Lindsey fidgeted uncomfortably. "There's this guy in our crew..."
Gerard nodded, trying not to let any emotion show on his face, although inside his emotions were plunging into an ocean of disappointments that had gathered inside him over the years. But Lindsey was not finished talking.
"..he doesn't like me though." she shrugged with a sad look in her eyes. "I thought he did, for the longest time. He made me think he did. But... he doesn't. Just last night he made that perfectly clear."
Lindsey looked away and while relieved, Gerard now felt sorry he had brought the subject up. He wondered if her so called “scrape” had anything to do with this person, and he also wondered who in god's name could turn down such a beautiful woman?
He reached out to touch her lightly on the shoulder, and he knew he was about to sound like the gay best friend all girls seem to have. But all he really cared about then was that Lindsey was clearly sad about this, and Gerard knew one way to make someone feel better about something is to simply sympathize.
"I know how you feel..." Gerard began, but he retracted his hand. She had begun to look at him in the same way she had earlier, and it was just as effective as it had originally been. The words that he had planned on saying could not seem to surface, and time itself became as frozen as the snow outside.
In this instance, however, Lindsey helped him out. Again her lips curved into a smile that Gerard found comforting, and melted the snow that time had frozen like a warm blanket.
"I know you do. Frank, right?" She asked, and at the uttering of Frank's name, Gerard's heart skipped a beat. He paused before confirming, but after a few seconds he nodded.
"I've known that for a while now." Lindsey told him, "I see it in the way you look at him. I see how you stare whenever he's with Jamia. It suck's doesn't it, feeling like you're on the outside looking in?"
Gerard sighed and let out a meek, 'Yeah." He did not particularly care to be so open with his innermost heartaches with anyone, let alone someone he could not really consider a best friend.
Yet, just like a warm blanket on a sick day, he found Lindsey to be very soothing as they talked and sympathized with one another about the pains of unrequited love.
"He doesn't even care." Gerard vented to her, glad to finally say all his inner thoughts out loud. "He knows how I feel, and he entertains me whenever Jamia isn't around --- but when she is, it's like I don't exist! And then he flaunts me in front of her -- I mean you think he would be at least a little subtle about it, to try and spare my feelings, but no!"
"Haven't you talked to him about it?" Lindsey asked him, making it a point to shoot him questions here and there as she listened intently.
"Yeah, he says he just doesn't want Jamia to get suspicious. And I told him one night --- it's fine if you want to choose her over me, ya know? I get that it's his decision! But then stop fooling around with me! Stop flirting with me! Stop kissing me and making all these advances with me on stage, just because you know I have to go along with it! Stop fucking toying with my emotions!"
Gerard was embarrassed to realize he was screaming by the end of his tirade, and even more embarrassed and shocked to feel tears running down his cheeks. He looked down quickly, trying to blink away the fresh ones that were beginning to surface. But his attempts at hiding were futile, and they both knew it was silly of him to try. Lindsey grabbed a tissue box that he had kept near for his cold, and pulled a sheet out. She gently dabbed at Gerard's face, her expression one of understanding.
"Ugh, men..." was all she really said at the moment, her voice dripping with disdain.
"Men." Gerard rolled his eyes, and they both laughed a little.
"I think..." said Lindsey, "He treats you the way he does because he feels like you're always there when he wants you, and you're always there if he doesn't want you. No matter what, you're always there, waiting for him. You need to move on Gee, make him miss you. Then maybe, he'll realize what he has --- or what he lost. Whichever one you decide when the time comes."
"I don't know how." Gerard fidgeted. "I mean I've dated other people, but I'm always on tour and I'm always with him. He's always bought plane tickets for Jamia to come to wherever he is. The girls I've dated don't want to travel anywhere, they're either too busy or too lazy. And I'm not even dating anyone right now."
"Then whenever you do find someone new to date, make sure that they can be with you on tours too." Lindsey advised, "But don't keep waiting for him. I can tell you're holding back because you think that he's going to drop Jamia someday, and he may have even promised you that once or twice, but you know deep in your heart that he won't. He loves her, Gerard. Not you. I know it sounds cruel, but you must come to terms with it if you can ever hope to get over him. Remember the saying: you can never start a new chapter in your life if you keep re-reading the last one.”
Gerard took a moment to blow his nose, unsure if the snot was from the illness or his weeping. He nodded again, but did not have much else to say to her idea. For Lindsey was right -- he had been holding back.
But who could he reach out to?
And for the third time that night, he met Lindsey's eyes. This time however, her expression was not one of question, but of wonder. There was twinkle in her eye and the red lipstick curled itself into a mischievous grin.
"I think I know what to do. What time are they getting back?"
"They need to be back by 3 AM." Gerard said, checking his watch. "So, in like thirty minutes."
"I think it's time to give Frankie a taste of his own medicine." she smirked in a way that reminded Gerard heavily of Frank's, but this smirk he liked.
And so that night, when Frank, Ray, Bob, and Matt all came stumbling inside the bus, their breaths all scented with booze, they were greeted by a most shocking sight. For there on the couch was Gerard and Lindsey, both their heads of hair down and disheveled, lying atop one another. Lindsey had naught but her bra on, and Gerard was without a shirt. Yet no one could see their faces, as they were both still entrapped in a most passionate looking lip lock.
They both sprang up as though they just realized the rest of My Chemical Romance had returned, and Lindsey hastily covered herself with a wool blanket.
"Oh hey guys." Gerard laughed at their gawking faces, and the greatest pleasure arose in him upon seeing Frank's scornful expression behind the others. It was not that he wanted to hurt Frank, but it simply felt nice to see the shoe was one the other foot for once, as it had been on his for so many years.
"Alright Gee! Get some!" Matt screamed loudly, as Bob and Ray laughed.
“Good to see you’re feeling better Gerard. And, um…not trying to rush you kids," Ray told them, "But we gotten get rolling so you guys need to wrap it up and get to your bunks. Unless Lindsey wants to sleep in our bus tonight, we are going to the same destination after all."
Lindsey smiled, "Thanks for the offer but I really should get back to my own. We'll wrap things up here. I just want a moment with Gerard, alone if you don't mind. I promise I'll have him back by curfew."
She winked, and Gerard could see she made it a point to look in Frank's direction as she did. Ray and the others took no notice of this and laughed at her remark, before they all ushered themselves inside the area for the bunk beds.
Frank was the last one to retreat, and he just stared at the couple for a moment, who did not hesitate to stare back expectantly. He then opened his mouth, as though to say something. But a moment later it was closed, and he resolved to simply leaving.
Once alone, Gerard and Lindsey exchanged smiles. No, they had not done anything that had involved the removal of each other's shirts or the disheveling of each other's hair. In fact, they had caused their messy hair with their own hands, and had removed their shirts of their own accord. And the kiss only occurred when they knew for sure that the boys were coming through the door. But their smiles and the sparkle in both their eyes were very real, and was indeed the result of the other person's doing. As was the moment that occurred next.
In one swift motion, Gerard swooped in and placed a tender kiss on Lindsey's lips, which she returned with fervor. They enjoyed the sensation for a while before Lindsey pulled away with a look that was confused but not discouraging.
"What was that for?" she whispered, "Frank isn't looking anymore."
A soft smile played on Gerard's lips, which were now marred with a bit of the red lipstick he had tasted moments earlier. "I guess I liked that a little more than expected."
Lindsey smiled even wider. "See? Moving on isn't so hard."
"It won't be if it's with you…"
Lindsey seemed to study him closely then, her smile never fading. To Gerard's disappointment however, her next words were nothing more than. "Goodnight, Gerard."
She gave his hand a reassuring squeeze, along with a gentle kiss on the forehead. Lindsey then stood, and began to make her way towards the door.
"Let me walk you to the bus." Gerard said as he got up, ready to follow her.
"No Gerard, it's too cold out there. You need to rest, you've had a long night. I'll see you tomorrow!" she waved, and with the sound of bus doors opening and closing, she was gone.
Gerard stared after her for a moment, not knowing that at the same time, there was a pair of big green eyes that was staring at him behind a corner. Yet those eyes belonged to someone that, for once, Gerard did not find himself preoccupied with.
No, for the moment he wondered about the enchanting girl named Lindsey Ann Ballato. He wondered why she had left so abruptly, and if what he said had put her off from continuing any relations with him. He wondered if she was not ready to move on herself, even though she had been so insistent that it was what he needed. He wondered about the scrape on her knee, and what would cause her to do what he was sure she had done, as he had done so many times before. He wondered if she had done it for the same reason he always had, because they shared the same pains and the same aches. He wondered if she even liked him at all, and he wondered if this entire evening was nothing more than an act of kindness from one human being to another. He wondered if he liked her, and what it was that she did to render him speechless so often.
There were many things he wondered, and by the time he was done wondering, the pair of green eyes had receded and shut themselves for a fitful slumber. Gerard forced himself to leave the doors as soon as the bus driver shooed him away, and finally climbed into his bunk bed for another night on the bumpy road.
He did not know what moving on was going to mean, or if he was even going to be able to do it. Yet, as he fell asleep, he figured that if it meant the possibility of another kiss from her, then it was well worth a shot.
After an evening of many wonders, Gerard was only certain that he was glad he had not followed his brother’s advice, and just might make it a point to mention this to him when the new day began.