Eliza battles with her feelings for Gerard.
Song: In A Needle - The Used
In A Needle
It turned out that the washed out little red car outside of the Way’s house belonged to Gerard. He had passed his test when he aged sixteen, and Donald Way had given his son the small Ford for his birthday. Gerard offered me a lift back to my house and I accepted thankfully.
The ten minute drive home was spent mostly in silence, a comfortable silence at least. From the corner of my eye I would catch him looking at me from the driving seat, only to quickly turn away when I looked back at him. I wanted to say something about the kiss, the kiss that I had given him, it only seemed right to, but I couldn’t find the words or the confidence to speak about it. I didn’t know what to say because I didn’t understand why I did it. It just happened, it felt right. But that wasn’t enough, I wasn’t ‘in love’ with Gerard, at least I thought wasn’t.
“So you’ve made friends at school?” Gerard suddenly asked. “Sorry?” I blurted, yet again torn out from my daydreams. “Who have you made friends with?” Gerard laughed, trying to keep his eyes on the road. I sighed, remembering that two of my ‘friends’ would probably be waiting at my house with my bag. “You don’t even want to know.”
Gerard wasn’t the steadiest of drivers, he often swerved unnecessarily and every bump in the road seemed to be exaggerated when he drove over them. Still, he was better than Alex. And he got me home quickly to my relief, otherwise my mother would have probably had a stroke.
Night time quickly descended onto to Belleville, even though it was just early evening. The only lights in the town were from the street lamps, but as we neared my house even the street lamps disappeared, leaving Gerard’s head lights and the moon to brighten the surrounding darkness.
As we pulled into my drive way I could see another car sitting in the moon light. It was dark blue and parked badly next to my mothers. The inside light for the car was lit, revealing the owner of the car and its passenger.
“Oh no.” I mumbled under my breath as Gerard parked. I peered out of the window and saw the faces of Alex and Ashley staring at me, holding expressions which expressed horror and disgust.
It could have been worse; Kathleen could have been waiting with Alex for me instead of Ashley.
“They’re your friends?” Gerard exclaimed from beside me as he looked out of the window. He sounded equally disgusted as Alex and Ashley looked.
“N-no, not really.” I stuttered, not wanting to get out of the car. But I knew I had to. I opened the door and stepped out, attempting to smile at the two people who were still staring at me. They didn’t smile back. Instead they climbed out and joined me in the darkness of my drive way, still holding the same expressions.
“What the fuck Eliza.”
I soon felt Gerard stand next to me, I didn’t dare look at him. I didn’t know who to be wearier of; Alex and Ashley or Gerard. They all seemed pretty angry at me.
“What are you doing with him?” Alex growled; his eyes bulged as he sneered from me to Gerard. I peeked up at my friend, he was holding Alex’s glare, his lip curled upwards. “I think the question should be; what are you doing here?” Gerard demanded.
“We came to drop off Eliza’s bag.” Ashley said, who didn’t seem as shocked or angry as I expected her to be.
“Well, where is it?” Gerard questioned bluntly.
“We gave it to her mum.” She replied, holding innocence to her voice which I almost found hard to believe.
“Then why are you still here?” I asked hesitantly.
“We wanted to see where you were.” Grunted Alex and he walked toward us.
“And who you were with.” I stepped back timidly as Alex continued to move closer, but Gerard stood his ground. He had never been afraid of people like Alex.
“He’s a fucking joke Eliza, you’re wasting your time.” I felt a surge of anger rush through me, but I bit my tongue for my own good.
“You’re one to talk.” Retorted Gerard coolly.
“You wanna’ say that again?” Alex’s voice began to get louder. Gerard only raised his eyebrows and smirked.
“Leave it Alex.” Ashley walked forward and tugged at his arm. “This isn’t worth it.” Alex gave Gerard one last look of loathe, and then turned to me, his face softening only slightly. “I’ll see you tomorrow; we can talk about this at break or something.”
I didn’t say anything in reply, I just watched Alex stride back to his car, Ashley at his tow.
Before leaving she glanced at me over her shoulder; I wasn’t sure if she showed me a look of offense or of apology. Whatever it was it wasn’t anger.
Gerard and I didn’t say a word to each other until the pair had disappeared down the road completely; we just stood, staring at the ground, Gerard’s hands stuffed into his jean pockets which he had changed into before we left.
I don’t know why I felt like Gerard had a right to me angry at me, I hadn’t done anything wrong. Well, nothing wrong apart from make friends with the biggest bitches of the school.
“Gerard…” I started, but found myself unable to explain myself. Gerard glanced at me, before sighing and turning to look at me fully. “I shouldn’t be mad at you, it’s not your fault.”
“No it’s not.” He said. “I can see how they work.” I bit my lip and crossed my arms around my body.
“They all have you under their spell don’t they?”
“I guess.” I muttered. “I know what they’re like. I just can’t escape them, especially Kathleen.”
Gerard creased his brow in despair.
“Not Kathleen.” He groaned under his breathe.
I nodded, almost ashamed of myself. In some ways finding Gerard again made things difficult. There was no doubt that I would choose Gerard over Kathleen and her minions any day, but there was no away around the fact that I would be receiving absolute hell from them after they found out about Gerard, no matter what.
I lifted my head back to Gerard. He looked back down at me, and for the first time in a while I saw naivety in his eyes; he looked scared like a small child who had lost his mother. I wanted to hold him and tell him that everything was okay, only I didn’t know what the matter was with him.
“I can’t lose you again.” He whispered.
“What do you mean?”
“I can’t lose you, especially to them.” I almost felt the urge to laugh at the idea of leaving Gerard for those sluts, but I held it back in the sense of the situation.
“Don’t be silly.” I gasped and reached up to hug him. “I would never leave you. You know that.” He connected his arms together around my waist.
“I hope you’re prepared for a life time of torture from Kathleen then.” He mumbled and buried his face in my shoulder.
“Anything is worth being with you for.” Gerard pulled me deeper into the hug.
“I love you Eliza.”
I closed my eyes in attempt to stop a flood of tears which I could feel approaching.
“But I do.” Gerard moved his face so he could see me.
“I don’t care if you don’t love me back.” His voice trembled ever so lightly as I stared into his deep hazels.
“I just want you to know.”
“I know you do Gee.” I raised my hand to stroke his porcelain cheek. “And I don’t want you to go one minute thinking that I don’t love you.”
I kissed his lips lightly in the darkness. And again. And every time I did so I felt somewhat guilty. It wasn’t a lie when I told him that I loved him. I loved him so much, as a friend. Maybe more than a friend, but not as a lover.
My heart was a mess as I kissed him over and over again. It felt as if it were going to explode from love, guilt, loneliness and confusion.
I couldn’t stop smashing my lips against his until the action became more passionate. I kissed him because I wanted him, I needed him. No matter how bad I felt for almost leading him on our mouths twisting together just felt so perfect.
The butterflies were back. I ignored the feeling of them fluttering frantically around inside of me because I didn’t love him. I couldn’t love him. I couldn’t be in love with my best friend.
I’m back ‘cause I can’t get this taste of my mouth and I do not intend to try.
I was a stupid, selfish girl. So selfish. But Gerard seemed happy; there couldn’t be much I was doing wrong if he was happy.
“I know you don’t love me.” He murmured in between kisses. “In the way I want you to.”
“I need time.” I planted my mouth onto his roughly. “You know that you’re more than a friend to me now.”
“I know.” Gerard ran his tongue across my lips. “I can give you time. I’ll always be waiting for you.”
My chest felt as if it wanted to burst from the sweet nothings Gerard whispered to me.
“I don’t want to ruin what we’ve got.” I gripped Gerard’s hips. “I’m so confused.” I let his hands roam my body as my tongue explored his mouth. “I just can’t keep my hands off of you.”
We'll swim far away from where we hated to be, always knowing that nothing's alright.
I quickly cut the contact of our lips off. “I need to go.” I whispered against his cheek. “Pick me up tomorrow.”
“Early. I want to talk to you.”
“Quarter past eight?” Gerard breathed.
“I’ll see you then.”
I left Gerard with one final kiss, and I was gone. I didn’t once look back. I knew that if I did I wouldn’t be able to resist running into his arms.
So instead I walked through my garden and unlocked the front door, preparing myself for my fuming mother.
You suck me in and spit me out I cannot control the feeling. Poisonous kisses from your mouth that leave me so addicted. I let you in you knock me out no air is left for breathing. Poisonous kisses from your mouth that leave me so addicted. You're a part of me, a part I cannot let go.
Your loves so poisoning.