"And I hear my heart beat get louder whenever I'm near her.."
I sat at my desk, flipping through some old art that I had to leave behind. I remember whenever I felt angry or low, which seemed to be all the time back then, I would paint. The simple stroak of a brush and the thought that I was in complete control drew me into my own little world, where I could be alone. I havn't painted since I left. I had to leave all my supplies here, I always told myself that I'd come back to it.. but I just never did.
I dreamily gazed over my work, not really properly taking it in. All that was on my mind was Frank. There was something that I'd found in his eyes which gave me the most pleasure in the world. I can't describe it, it's something I'd never felt before.
I've always kind of known I was Bi, I don't think anyone knows. Most people just assume it then drop it. I know Mikey knows, and I didn't even have to tell him. Sometimes I think he knows me more than I know myself, somehow. He's like my light in the darkness. He makes the road a lot brighter.
I've never had a boyfriend before, I've had pleanty of girlfriends though.. None of the feelings which i'd mistaken for love can compare to what Frank makes me feel.
I physically shake my head, pushing Frank from my mind, someone like him is probably straight anyway.
I soft knock at the door interupted the deafening silence.
"Come in." I mumble, not looking up from my desk, I wasn't surprised, I was expecting Mikey sometime soon anyway.
I heard him walk down the stairs, closing the door behind him, shutting out the loud voices of his friends.
I heard the springs of my bed creak slightly as he sat down, I was taken aback that he hadn't said anything yet, he always has something to say.
I turned on my chair to face the bed to find not Mikey sitting there patiently, but Lily.
"O-Oh, hey Lily, I thought you were Mikey."
She smiled, silence crept in, almost awkwardly.
"You can talk to me about it if you want, Gee." She said suddenly, seeming nervous.
"T-There isn't really anything to talk about, I'm fine."
She frowned and bit her lip.
"You can trust me."She tried.
"It's not that I don't or anything, I really don't know what happened." I felt anger slowly churn inside me. I rose from my seat and sat on the ned next to Lily, who anxiously chewed her bottom lip. "I just asked if he was alright and he got angry."
She folded her legs and turned so she was facing me, with a caring look played on her pretty face.
"That doesn't really sound like Frank." She said, frowning in thought.
I shook my head, "I wouldn't know, I have no clue as to what I could have said or done that'd offended him. I barely said two words to him."
"It doesn't matter."
"It does to me."
"Why? Like you said, you'd only just met him."
"I.. It just does."
She didn't drop her gaze from my eyes, I awkwardly looked around the room, avoiding her eyes.
"Where's Mikey?" I asked, trying to break the uneasy silence, she, however, didn't find the silence awkward.
"Can I tell you something?" She said, ignoring my question.
"I-I like you a lot, Gerard." She said seriously, determination written all over her face.
I worried that she would say that. What was I supposed to say, i've never rejected anyone before..
I looked at her, and she stared back hopefully.
"Lily, I-" Suddenly, she crashed her lips against mine and wrapped her arms around my neck, causing me to fall back onto the bed with her lying on top of me.
I didn't know how to stop her without hurting her. Her hands moved from the back of my neck through my hair, tangling her fingers in it. I couldn't move and started to panic slightly. What if somebody walked in? What if Mikey walked in and saw me making out with the girl he liked. I quickly rolled over to make it easier to pull away, but she kept her arms tightly around me, playing her lips against my own. I put my hands down on either side of shoulders to stop my full weight from crushing her. She pulled away suddenly for air.
"Lily," I said sounding alarmed, as she was close to starting again.
"What?" She breathed, keeping her hands in my hair.
I shook my head, "I-I can't."
She frowned, "What?"
She sat up suddenly, making me sit up.
"You don't like me." I said.
"I do so."
"No, you don't, and I can't."
She moved back a fraction, "You don't have a girl friend, do you?"
"No.. Yes.. No, it's a bit more complicated than that."
"Well what is it?"
"Look, right now I really don't know, and I can't be doing this with you."
"Is it because of my age? I'm only two years younger-"
"No.. No, it's just.. There is someone who would appreciate it more.. So don't waste your time on me."
"There isn't anyone, I checked." She said, leaning in. I put my hand on her shoulder to stop her.
"You must have been looking in the wrong place then."
She shook her head doubtfully.
"Unless you're wanting me to leave the country, all the guys I've come across are jerks.. And the ones I'm interested in don't seem interested at all."
I looked at her sympathetically, not really knowing what to say.
"I'm sorry for what I did. That's really not like me."
"I just don't know how to hint, i guess." She laughed slightly, "The boy I think i like wouldn't have a clue."
I felt almost heavy hearted for Mikey, he was standing to get his heart broke if he finds that Lily likes someone else.
"Sometimes," I improvised "the ones we are looking for has been here infront of you the whole time."
She looked up at me again, not with the passionate, flirtatious look she always gives, but with happiness.
She nodded. "I know." She sighed sadly. She thought for a small moment "I'll take a chance."
I nodded, feeling like i'd let Mikey down.
"Gerard? Can you not.. tell anyone about this all. Pretend like I never came down." she said standing up and walking to the stairs.
"Yeah, I think it's best for Mikey if he doesn't know." I said quietly. She starred at me for a moment before nodding, gave a small wave and ran back up the stairs.
I let out a low sigh and lay back down on my now untidy bed. I didn't expect her to come on so strong. Mikey would be crushed.
A few hours later I decided to go upstairs, admitting that I couldn't hide in my room forever. I opened my door and walked into the kitchen, I could hear the tv going in the lounge. I grabbed a coke and walked into the room. Bonnie smiled her wide smile "Gerard!" She said brightly.
"Hey guys, Look I'm sorry I made Frank run off.. Has anyone heard from him?"
Bob shook his head.
"Are you ready to talk then?" asked Mikey
"I'm telling the truth when I say I don't know, I asked him if he was okay and he got all defensive, and telling me to leave him alone."
Ray raised his eyebrows and looked at Mikey who shared a similair expression.
Mikey shrugged, "I'll try call him tonight, he'll be fine, Bonnie." said Mikey, turning to Bonnie who wore a look of deep concern.
"Well, sit down, Gerard." Said Lily.
Mikey looked at her sadly then to his shoes. Lily didn't seem to take notice.
The group left a few hours later. There was this constant feeling in the atmosphere which I couldn't blame them for wanting to get out of. It was just Mikey and I left home now.
He was being oddly quiet, silently clearing up the empty coke cans and chip bags.
I stood leaning against the lounge door frame, watching him purposely pretend i wasn't there.
"That was fun.. the majority of it. You've got good friends, Mikey." I said as he walked past me and into the kitchen, I slowly followed him. He looked up at me and gave me a small smile, dumping the trash in the garbage.
"Yeah, they're great. They all seem to like you too.. So you and Lily get on well then?"
I could tell he was trying to keep his voice casual.
He nodded, keeping his lips in a firm line.
"I know what you're thinking." I said
He looked at me suddenly, raising his eyebrows, "Yeah?"
I nodded, "and no, i don't think of her in that way."
Mikey nodded and looked at his laces,
"She thinks of you that way," he said softly. "She went away for a while, she said that she had to phone her sister, but she went into your room, I saw her. The whole time she was just dying to be alone with you.."
I hesitated before speaking, "We just talked, Mikes." I said equally as softly.
He didn't look up.
"She told me that.. that she doesn't think there's anyone right for her.. That the boy she likes wouldn't have a clue that she likes him.."
Mikey looked almost hurt.
"And.. You like her?" He asked, a hint of pain coating his words.
"No and she doesn't fancy me anymore, we talked it out.. You do though, I see the way you look at her."
Mikey smirked, then nodded.
"She doesn't know that, does she?"
He shook his head.
I felt like i'd betrayed Mikey. This guilt hangs over me like a shadow, making me feel dark and harmful.
"I see her boyfriends come and go" Mikey continued, pulling me back from my mind. "And I just wonder why she can't look at me like that. I've tried to tell her, all the time, but I freeze up and get tounge tied.. and I hear my heart beat get louder whenever I'm near her.." He looked up at me, though it was like he was seeing through me, like he was looking at something something a million miles away.
"How long have you liked her for?"
"..Since I met her.. We were made Biology partners at the beggining of Junior year..It goes on and off but It's never really stopped." He frowned intently.
"Two years and you havn't told her?"
"She wouldn't consider me. I'm her friend, she makes it clear.. it's the same thing over and over again; she'll get a boyfriend who she's crazy about, talk to me about him and everything he does, then breaking up and crying on my shoulder.. I've always been here for her, and it tears me apart because she can't see.. me. I've been here all along."
I hate seeing Mikey like this, emotionally driven to his knees.. lost.. helpless.
"I wouldn't know where to begin-"
"Mikey, believe me, i think it's the words you don't say that'll haunt you the longest."
He smiled to himself and nodded.
I don't know what i've set Mikey up to do, she'll either see that he's not like the rest.. or she'll shoot him down completely. Either way, there is always going to be the lingering dispair in myslef.. What's worst is that Mikey has no idea.. I can't bare to see his face drop like that.. He wouldn't trust me.. he wouldn't talk to me, and I can't deal with that.
"Hey Gee, I got hold of Frank."
"Yeah, it took some convincing, but I got him to come over in a few hours, i hope you don't mind and I know it's not your fault, but could you not come to my room.."
"Okay." I nodded.
I didn't know if i could keep myself away..
Looking into Frank's eyes was almost like a drug, I wanted to get lost in his honey hazel eyes again, I wanted to feel that natural high that he gave to me.. But he didn't want to be near me. His voice echoed through my mind "Leave me alone."
It was something that I couldn't promise.. I can't keep myself away, even now it's almost like i crave him..
And I couldn't care less.
So, I'm doing this more for my own enjoyment. but if you like it let me know(: Like I said before this story doesn't have much thought in it so sorry if it doesn't make much sense or is boring
Love R xo