The memories of the deaths, the pain and the love becomes to much.. can it be handled? (one-shot)
I sit on the bed, staring through the window at the outside world which i had become so fond of before. Tears roll down my face as i remember those painful memories. Those days that i wish hadn't ended the way they did. Oh how i wish i could build a time machine to take me back before it started. To take me to a time when i could have tried harder to prevent it from happening. First the divorce, then the illness, after that the ignorance followed and finally ended up lonley with my heart belonging to another man who didn't feel the same.
I wipe my tears, removing the rest of my make-up, smudging it down my, pale, blotchy and pathetic face. Stumbling off the bed, i walk over to a desk, with a mirror in the far corner. I look into the mirror to see that my once bright blue eyes had become dull and emotionless. My face that used to be white with red rosey cheeks, had now become greyish and not worth looking at. My body had now become thin and ugly. I had gone down hill rapidly since that phone call....
I pushed the key into the door and hung my coat and bag up on the side of the couch and sat on it, flicking on the tv. I hunted through the channels and decided after much debate to put kerrang on instead of scuzz. After watching a few videos my mobile phone started ringing. I turned round and grabbed it out my rucksack and answered it.
"hello?" i spoke clearly.
"listen to me very carefully helena...." the voice was deep and reconisble.
"not anymore..... i dont want to be anything to do with you, it's your fault your sister died, and it's your fault your mother left me.. Your the reason these things happen, it would have been better if you never excisted.." he yelled at me.
The tears flowed heavily from my eye's. My heart had been broke and could never be fixed.. it was the last straw.
"daddy,, please... your all i have left....." i pleaded with all i had.
"well now you have nothing.. remember what i said.. goodbye"
And with that he hung up leaving me alone and helpless.....
-end of flasback-
After that he stuck to his word.. i never did see or hear from hime again. My mother? I havent had anything to do with her since alice died.
I feel the guiltiest over Alice. After i was born my mum became very ill and was advised not to get pregnant again as she would not be strong enough to give the baby what it needs inside her. A few years later she tried again ignoring the warning, and it happened. When Alice was born, she was 2 months early. She wasn't breathing and was in ICU for months, as was my mum. During this time dad got drunk regularly, beat me and quite often sexuall abuse me untill i passed out due to the pain, or he fell asleep. I had no-one to talk too about it so i just had to endure it as best as i could and not have a break down, else it would cause problems.
When Alice was finally allowed out, she was so weak. She had to be on a breathing machine as her lungs weren't strong enough to do it for themselves. Each day we saw her get worse.
One night we had to ring the ambulance as she had stopped breathing altogether. They took her to the hospital and thats when our hearts were shattered. They managed to bring her back but not stable, a few seconds later she stopped breathing again, but this time they couldn't resusitate her. They walked out the room, looking down. Mum instantly fell to the floor shouting
"NO....NO... not my baby"
Dad gave me the evils and told me to walk home and stay in my bedroom... I didnt argue as my mother was in such a state.
When they got home dad yelled at me to come down, i did slowley and as i reached the last step, a fist collided with my face and i hit the wall oppisite and fell to the floor in agony. He walked over to me and kicked me, spat on me, hit me, did everything. He constantly shouted at me saying,
"this is your fault, you shouldn't have been born, then she would have lived"
He called me worthless, a disgrace, a killer...
The beating carried on for days. Then one day mum had gone... dad found a letter about a divorce between the two.
Whilst the divorce i stayed upstairs or went outside to the park sitting in the swings watching the day's go by... That's when i met my first proper friends.
I walked over to the swings, where i normally went, and sat down slowley swinging myself. Minutes passed, maybe even hours. I stood up and headed to the woods to have a look round. I wandered through the tree's aimlessly untill i heard laughter.
"oi, emo freak come here!" someone shouted.
I turned round to see a bunch of jocks from down the road from me, i turned on my heels and walked faster. They also walked faster, so i ran as fast i could. I could see the park so i ran as fast as my legs and boy could take me, but i failed to notice the fallen branch on the floor and fell straight over it, flying into the tree infront. I heared howls of lughter as the jocks got closer. I tried to get up but one of them had ran to me and grabbed my shoulder holding me down. As the others got closer, i struggled under his grip to get away but failed. The jock holding me pulled me to my feet and threw me towards the others. One caught me and held me against a tree.
"She's a pretty one actually" one sneered
"yeah, maybe we can make an acception for this emo" another cheered
I shook my head and i tried to yell but he had covered my mouth.
"okay.. okay.. come on then pretty one lets have some fun with y....." hhe stopped mid way and stared behind me, then smiled.
Great more of them i thought untill one spoke.
"Let her go"
"or else" said the jock holding me.
"or else i wil kill you" the guy spoke angrily
"what you gonna do, emo-fy me, slit my wrists?" the jock laughed.
"no, i'll just let Frank attack you... again" the guy chuckled.
i presumed the one known as 'frank' steped towards him because a look of terror spread through his eyes and he dropped me then ran.
I fell to the floor, landing on my already haevily bruosed arm and back. I curled up hoping the guys who helped me had gone, but they hadn't.
They came closer to me, i scrambled away as best i could.
"please... please dont hurt me?!" i whimpered as they continued to follow me.
"silly, were not gonna hurt you, we know what it's like... They were always after us!" a tall guy said, with a huge afro.
"oh... okay" i said quietly.
"let us intoduce ourselves.. I'm Ray" the one with the afro said.
"I'm Frank" He said sexily, he had a silver lip ring, a mohawk and was really small, but covered in tattoo's.
"I'm Bob" Bob was chilled out, sandy blonde hair and also had a silver lip ring.
"I'm Gerard" He was middle-ish height, black hair and as pale as me, which i thought was impossible. "dude, talk" he nudged another guy standing next to him.
"I .... I'm Mikey" he said sheepihly, it was really cute. He had class and black, straightened hair.
"what's your name chick?" Ray asked
"Me? um.. Helena-Eve" i stuttered
They all smiled..
"what?" i questioned.
"it's cute, i like it" Frank answered. They all nodded heads in agreement.
"your the only one's who think so" i mumbled hoping no-one heard...
"what'd you?" Bob asked.
"um... i have a lot of problems at the moment...." i began to cry.
Mikey knelt beside me and hugged me, "Anything you want to talk about?"
"if you guys don't mind... i can't talk to anyone else....."
They all nodded and sat round me, Mikey still hugging me gently.
I began to spill my story from the beginning, not missing anything out. By the end i shed more tears than a tap had dropped water droplets. They all came over and hugged me as if they had known me for years.
"well, you have us now, you can be our newest group member if you like?!" Bob asked.
"i'd like that very much" i smiled
-end of flashback-
That was a year ago... Me and Mikey are going out and were all the best of friends. There the only things that keep me together.
But After the divorce went through, dad starting drinking even heavier then he did when Alice was really ill. He beat me more, sexually abused me more.. It was more ofter and worse than anyone could ever imagine it to be. The pain was excruciating... After months of the torture, dad finally left... He said that he had enough of the sight of me, H was fed up of only being able to get his member out and inside of me and no-one else.
I was glad, but i never felt more worthless in my life.
The day he walked out was the day the greif of my sister hit me hard.. The guilt over my parents divorce kicked in more... The empty emotion's drowned me more. I felt worse than i had ever done in my lifetime.
I told Mikey everything when he came over after that.. He practicly lives with me now, making sure that im not alone... He works now, in the local music shop with his brother, only cause i managed to convince him to spend more time out, it took a while but finaly he gave in.
I took advantage of the time i had on my own.. i caused as much damage to myself as i could. Then i would hide it, Hoping that Mikey would never notice. Which as far as i know he never had done.... But today was diffrent... Today it would all end. Mikey would be home at 12 for lunch, so it had to be done by then. It's 11 now.. an hour. I ran to the bathroom and dragged my little friends out from a box hiden under the floorboards. I carried them over to the floor near my bed ready to live in the darkness.. I took the sharpest one and too it to me arm dragging it aginst my arm, using it as a peice of paper drawing lines to create a masterpiece. I stared near where the crese to bend my arm is, and then worked my down, getting deeper each time. I was about to do the 13th cut when i heard Mikey come through the door. I quickly tried to hide the blades and arm checking the clock at the same time. 11:34. He's early. I managed to hide the blades but not my arm by the time he walked into the bedroom.
"Baby, what have you done?" he said, scared.
"i thought everyone would be better of without me being here" i cried, feeling faint.
He hugged me tightly but making sure that he didn't catch my arm.
"oh, Helena look at me" he cupped my face and looked into my eye's "my life is you, it wouldn't be worth living if i didn't have you"
Tears rolled faster down my cheek as he spoke.
"I love you with all my heart but i have to ask you something"
Thoughts sped through my head.. was he gonna dump me? Ask me to leave? Never see hime again like my parents?
He put his hand in his pocket and pulled out a green box, He opened it up and inside was a ring, with a star on it with green, black and silver crystels...
"will you marry me?"
I looked him in the eyes and kissed him with all the passion i had inside me..
Sorry it's been a while, a lot going on and that. I was going to update one of my others but i have this in my head for a while and i decided to put it on to see what you guys think... please r&r it would be greatly appreciated! :)
Never let them take you alive