An open letter to you.
And then there's me. I'm not particularly attractive. I hate my body. I hate my voice. I hate my personality. I hate the fact I have depression. I hate the fact I was too scared to see a counsellor when it was most severe, when I was suicidal. I hate the fact I use music to escape from this world when I'm too scared to face it. I hate the fact I'm not clever or academic. I only hate pretty boys because I'm jealous of them - they're all so skinny and beautiful. I avoid mirrors when I can. I hate the fact I smoke and drink. I hate who, or what, I've become. I hate the fact I bite my nails and that I have no money. I hate my teeth and how yellow they are. I hate how I'm so depressing to be around. I hate how, when something's going my way, it turns to shit a day or two later because of something I've said or done. I hate how I'm so depressing to be around. I hate my scars and I'm ashamed of them. I get really depressed when I miss you. I hate the fact my family has to spend all their money on my education, and I know they'll be ashamed when I fail it all ("when", not "if"). I hate the fact I'm a cunt to everyone.
Out of everyone in the whole world, the person I hate most is me.
I want all this to change, I'd give anything to be happy. I'm ashamed of what I am. But I guess this is life, isn't it? It fucking sucks.
I love getting to know people better, I hope you do too. This is me, this is everything about me in a couple of sentences. It makes me wonder what I've accomplished, really. The only thing I like about my body is my eyes. Without meaning to boast, I think they're beautiful. This isn't a suicide/cry-for-help thing, this is just me telling you who I am. I don't mean to depress you. I'm sorry for all the shit I've put you and him through. Stay with him, I'm not worthy of you.
But I'll always love you.
It's 1:26am, I can't sleep.
It's 2:59am, I can't sleep.
It's 4:34am, I can't sleep.
It's 5:10am, I've listened to the same Touché Amoré album fifty fucking times. I can't sleep.
I miss Jess.
She'd know what to do.