I sit pawing my fuzzy haired friend’s fuzzy hair basking in the delight of having a cover teacher for the final lesson of the day. Life is good and I have no idea of the chink slowly edging towards my seemingly blissful life. “Gerard Way? A note from Coach Sylvester”
The hopeless worn out attempt of a supply teacher sighs dismissing the office assistant I nod and she hands me the note. It was at this exact moment my life was ruined forever. Or the next few weeks at least.
‘Gerard, as you know you have failed miserably at every effort to gain your D of E qualification. Be it on my head and your family jewels if you somehow manage to fail this final task. I am putting you in charge of the annual charity bake sale as a last resort to let you scrape a pass. Fail me and you shall be running miles in your under crackers. – Sylvester’
I just about wet myself then and there with the image of our school’s coach and a rolling pin.
“Mikey I’m scared” I whisper to my little brother recoiling to the lounge at the memory. Mikey just rolls his eyes washing his hands
“Man up and get back in the kitchen Gerard this pie’s not gonna cook itself” He sighs drying his hands on a tea towel.
You’re probably wondering how on earth I ever got my sceptic little douche canoe of a brother to help me with my cooking project. We had some sort of a deal that involved me giving him full access to my comic collection, my soul and to keep out of his physic bitch girlfriend’s way. Seriously she reads people’s minds then uses the information against them. I swear. But apparently I’m the one who’s rude to her, all I said was her house smelt like soup, which was more of a Juno quote than an actual insult. She on the other hand down trousered me on the day I happened to be wearing ‘I heart fashion’ boxers. Yet I’m still the bad guy?
Now back to cooking.
“What if we get it wrong though and end up poisoning everyone in the school?” I whine, Mikey dragging me back onto the laminate flooring of our kitchen
“And what would be so bad about that?” He asks quizzically and I consider the prospect for a moment allowing it to sooth my pre baking nerves.
“Okay. Let’s make pie” I say ready to get down to business I’m about to pick up the role out dough when Mikey stops me
“Wash your hands, I know you didn’t go to the bathroom to pee earlier and I didn’t hear the tap after” He says monotone and I’m about to object when I realise he’s right and I move towards the sink.
Mikey has given me the task of washing the fruit as it turns out black berries taste fantastic.
I’ve eaten half of the before Mikey looks over to see me destroying all hope of passing my final year at school and hits me with my wooden spoon from earlier. “Gerard quit wrecking your future, do you wanna get fat again?” I am truly hurt by this comment and so I drop the several black berries in my hands at the shock of my darling little brother bringing up memories of my chubby days.
They happen to fly through the air and hit the dork between the eyes. Ha.
So the pie is in the oven and my D of E is in the bag. I really rock at life. I don’t know why Ramsey feels the need to swear so much this cooking business is easy peasy pumpkin peasy pumpkin pie motherfucker.
Well okay the swearing bit is all part of the fun and technically it’s black berry in our case but pumpkin sounds better.
Jasey; Mikey’s psychotic girlfriend is over now so I’ve been sent to my room without any supper. Personally I think Mikey is far to young to be dating since he’s still a baby and I’m 16 and forever alone.
Insert meme here.
Not that I want a girlfriend the very idea of lip gloss, boobs and periods makes me feel a little queasy. By now you will have probably guessed, what with the cooking and the Yoda fan girling and the active hate I have towards the female body. You got it; I’m a massive fag. Shocker.
What you’re probably expecting to hear now is some kind of speech about bullying and gay rights and how society is completely abrupt AND I REFUSE TO COMPLY WITH ITS CONFORMIST VIEWS. Only no, for me the only difference between being straight and gay is that girls seem to dig me to the extent that I practically have to swim through them to get to class on time. And since all the girls love me the boys are forced to also, if they’re planning on ever getting laid. Though out on the streets at night New Jersey is still stabtastic.
I wonder if Yoda bats on my team. I hope he does and if the tightness of his jeans is anything to go by...
Oh I’m getting all giddy. I better do something so repulsive/ scary that all my little hormones with cower in their homes and I can get on with my life. I think I’ll take a trip downstairs to see Medusa and her gimp.
I swagger down the stairs. Or at least I like to imagine I swagger but I stumble a bit at the bottom so not really. But no one saw so it doesn’t count.
“Evening gentlemen” I say in my most sophisticated voice secretly thanking the heavens that they are simply sitting watching TV and that my brothers virginity is not in jeopardy.
“Fuck off Way” Jasey spits barely looking in my direction.
“I feel the use of my sir name would be a lot more threatening if I didn’t share it with Mikey”
“Fuck off Gerard” My charming little brother says in a similar tone and I retreat back to my cave of a room.
Stupid little brother and his stupid little girlfriend.
And so with nothing left to do and no people left to bother I trudge dismally to my bed and collapse ready for a night of sleeping on my face fully clothed. Oh woeth me.
A/N so sorry for this being so much shorter than I had intended but I felt like if I got it up earlier and shorter the next chapter could be longer and make more sense so sorry if this was crap I will be the first to admit this is far from my best work and for that I apologise. I’m just kind of busy with English revision at the moment since I have my first GCSE next weekish. Oh god I’m gonna die. On a lighter note I got my maths results back today 53 out of 55. Hells yeah. So I got a C and I’m so glad I don’t have to re-sit. I know you were all so interested in that Ha-ha anyway I shall start on the next update if I get three reviews! So you know the drill!
Also little treat for you: Mikey Way in drag > http://cdn.pimpmyspace.org/media/pms/c/sb/ni/3k/mikeyew.jpg