I'm a dizzy mess, and everything is so above me.
There were three large boxes filled with vinyl, records of this band and that. Everything from the classic twenties, to the Beatles and Led Zeppelin. The player wasn't too old, something that looked like it was from the 80's. Most of the records were older than the player, that much I could tell. And I couldn't care less. She had slipped some grass into some of the covers, and I couldn't help but wonder if she had done it on purpose, or had simply forgotten.
The acoustic guitar she had given me seemed to be made of a shiny maple, giving tints of red in the wooden frame. It was beautiful. It came in a hard case with a million old stickers on it. Things that were quite obviously her favorites. The sound that it produced…it was amazing. Like magic in the form of wood and metal strings. And I had to laugh the first time I thought that, because it seemed like one of the cheesiest and most ridiculous thing ever. And laughing turned into crying, making me realize that I honestly had a hard time holding onto everything that truly mattered to me. The violin she gave me was almost identical to the one that I used to own, and it brought back more memories then I was willing to admit.
I got sick not too long after receiving the gifts, leaving me at the place that was considered home while the rest of my 'family' were at school and work. It gave me time to play with my new toys, staying on my bed as I messed around with her acoustic. My mind wondered from subject to subject; going from Alex's smiling face to the concern that was always laced in Spencer and Andy's eyes. The carefree attitude that Jack and William always seemed to carry, and the conserved personalities of Jon and Rian. I knew them all so well. It was kind of funny really, having people in my life when I was raised on being alone.
And it seemed, that there was one person in our group that kept that same attitude that I used to have. Hardly saying anything, always reading the same books, disappearing for days at a time, wearing large sunglasses to hide his face, never eating lunch. He always seemed to be in his own little world, and it was driving me crazy wanting to know what it was he was hiding in that tired mind of his.
There was the sound of a door slamming closed, and I jumped, putting my guitar down. I let my hand come up to my mouth, taking the cigarette in my hand before blowing out the smoke, staring at my door. I couldn't help but wonder who it was who had come home. It had to be the twins, or the mother; someone who could easily come home in the middle of the day in a fit of rage. I closed my eyes, taking the cigarette up to my lips as I heard the sound of footsteps storming up the stairs. I inhaled deeply, holding the smoke in as I lowered the cancer-stick and taped the ash off and onto a small tray I had been using.
My eyes shot open when I heard my door hit the wall, my heart pounding. Of course it wasn't one of the twins, or the loving mother, that would just be wishful thinking. I bit my lip and forced myself to keep from screaming.
I waited until he had left the house again to run down the stairs and dial one of the only numbers I had memorized, tears running down my face. One ring, two rings, three rings, Alex.
"B? What's wrong?" I tried to hold onto all of my tears, my whole body sore and shaking.
"Alex, I need you. Can- Can I come over?"I leaned on the wall, my legs feeling as if they couldn't hold me up no matter how hard I tried. I closed my eyes and attempted to steady my breathing as I waited for his response.
"I'm still at school." A small sigh, and I felt terrible for bothering him, knowing that I had become dependent on other people. That's what they had turned me into; defenseless, dependent, and alone. "How about I pick you up, okay? I'll be there in about twenty minutes."
I let my body slide down the wall, feeling every shred of dignity I once had crumble before me. "O-kay."
The line went dead.
I listened to the dial tone for a few minutes before hitting the end button, forcing myself to get up and carry on upstairs. I took a shower, using the burning water to try to clean my sore body; but it could never, no matter how hard I tried, get rid of the bruises, or the scars, or the burning on my insides. No matter how hard I scrubbed or for how long, they refused to. I used the rest of my energy to get dressed and make a long cut on the underside of my arm, counting the seconds until the burning stopped.
The time was almost eleven when Alex showed up. I didn't know how long it took him, nor did I care. He had this…this look about him, worry and concern, and dashed hope. I hated it. He didn't deserve to have those emotions; he was too good for them. Not that it really mattered, he still managed to look amazingly beautiful with every dreadful emotion he was carrying.
We were completely silent on the drive, neither of us saying a word as he drove us to his house. It made me feel more relaxed, knowing that he wasn't going to ask about what happened, that he didn't want to force me to tell him the truth. Staying in the silence with him, feeling the warmth of his hand on my knee as he focused on the road ahead made me forget about how sore my body was, about the gripping pain of my insides burning, and what had happened. He helped make none of it matter.
When we made it to his house he turned the car off, turning to look at me with big sad eyes, and I knew that he thought I was a mess. I could tell just by the look in his eyes, but he said nothing about it, simply choosing to give me a small smile.
"Are you okay?" He wanted me to be honest. Hell, I wanted me to be honest, too. Because I hated lying to him. I hated staring into his sparkling eyes while knowingly saying things that he and I knew aren't true. So I told him the truth, shaking my head as tears started to form in my eyes. He nodded, getting out of his side before running around to help me and my weak form out of his car.
He helped me into his house and up to his room, a small smile on his face as he practically carried my drained body up the stairs and through two doors. He helped me over to his bed where I collapsed and curled up in a ball, feeling insignificant and lost. I heard him close the door and regretted bothering him, knowing that he could be with his friends, having a good time instead of dealing with me.
"I'm sorry." I hadn't meant to say the words out loud, but I did. He looked at me, brows furrowing and I curled up tighter, holding my legs to my chest as I rested on his bed. He crossed the short distance between the door and the bed so he could sit down next to me, his fingers running through my hair.
"What are you sorry for?" He whispered the words, keeping his voice calm and void of all the bad emotions I knew he was feeling. I moved so my head was resting on his lap, burying my face in his left leg. One of his hands went to my hip, the other continuing to card his fingers through my hair.
I muttered my response. "For bothering you."He laughed lightly, and I knew he was shaking his head at my words.
"Darling, I don't care. If you need me, you need me." I started to cry, and I hated myself for it. He shushed me, and held me, and told me that everything would be okay. It only made me feel worse when I remembered that he really was too good for me. I closed my eyes and allowed myself to attempt to calm down. It took me longer than he probably wanted, but I managed to, and when I did, I turned so I was looking up at him, seeing his smiling face as he brushed some of the hair out of my eyes.
"Better?" I nodded smiling up at him. Because yeah, I did feel better after crying in someone else's arms. "Do you wanna talk about it?"
"No." I sat up, moving so that my legs were around his waist, my arms going around his neck. I stared at him for a long moment, taking in his ridiculously dark eyes, letting my forehead fall against his. He continued to smile at me, using his thumb to wipe away the tears from my eyes.
"I hate seeing you cry," Something inside me clicked, and I understood. "You're too pretty to be lugubrious. I really think the next time-" I cut him off, allowing my lips to meet his. It took him a moment to realize what had happened, but once he had he moved his lips against my own, and I smiled into it, allowing my fingers to tangle in his soft hair. He moved us so I was laying beneath him, hands still around his neck as his went to the hem of my shirt. I pulled away.
"Alex, I love you." It wasn't the first time I had thought about the concept of loving another human, and the other times I had I denied and rejected the thought, thinking that it only would get me hurt. And yeah, it probably would. But as soon as the words slipped past my lips I knew that I never would want to take them back, because they were the truest things I had ever said. He stared at me for a moment, blinking his eyes in shock. I didn't care if he felt the same way or not; I just wanted to be with him. A grin broke across his face.
"You're amazing." His kiss swollen lips met mine again, and I smiled: I had finally gotten what I wanted to say out in the open, and it felt fantastic. His cold hands slipped under my hoddie, his tongue running across my bottom lip. I opened my mouth, loving the taste of him as he ran his hands along the scars on my chest, his index finger trailing the one my 'loving' uncle had made. The feeling made me gasp slightly in pain. Not that I would admit it, because I knew that Alex wouldn't do it again if he knew, and there was this sense of making the past even more solid yet far away as his fingers traced the lines. His hands started to bring the fabric up, forcing us to separate so he could get it over my head, he smiled at me, his eyes trailing my body before he froze. And I realized what had happened and felt extremely exposed in a matter of seconds.
His hands moved to grab my wrist, and I felt my eyes widen as his fingertips brushed the cuts and scars and bruises on my left arm. His eyes went to my face, looking for an explanation I didn't have. He was speechless; I was too scared to speak. His eyes scanned my body once more, and I couldn't help but wonder if he was counting them, or if he was simply to shocked to understand what they were.
"Brendon," He trailed his thumb over the cut I had made before he came to pick me up, and I could feel myself shaking, trying hard to hold in the sobs. His eyes refused to leave the deep crimson line, the irises going dark as they filled tears. "Did you make all of these?" I stared at him, knowing that I couldn't lie if I tried, that the truth would hurt him, but not more than what any other person would want to say.
"I made some of them." His eyes met mine, a look of disappointment that made guilt pool in the pit of my stomach. He wasn't around when I started, and it was a weird habit, one where you think you can stop when really you can't. I had tried, on multiple occasions, I had tried. But I just couldn't seem to control it. Old habits die hard. Or, not at all, really.
"You, you did this?" He took in a shaky breath, but I knew that I was trembling under him, hating the fact that someone could see me and everything I carried with me. "Brendon, you can't do this. I just-" He blinked, tears falling onto my collarbone from the way he was sitting over me. "Why?"
That was a good question, one that I didn't know the answer to. But I knew that he wouldn't be happy if I said that, and there was nothing I wanted more than for him to be happy. "Because it hurts." He stared at me, and I pointed to my chest, where my beating heart lay beneath. "It hurts too much here." He put his hand over mine, moving so his head was in the crook of my neck, his nose brushing my shoulder as his hear tickled my cheek.
"Don't do it again. Please. Please don't do it again." When he begged like that I really didn't want to do it again. And I smiled, because he was making me a better person. His worst brought out the best in me.
"I won't." I could feel his warm tears on my neck, his lips against my skin as his breath washed over it when he whispered one last word.
"Promise?" I wrapped my arms around him, holding him tight because he truly was the closest thing to perfection I had ever seen.
"I promise." He smiled against my skin, breathing a sigh of relief. I pulled the blanket over us, knowing that the only thing either of us needed at the moment was to rest in the others arms, and in not time the rest of the world wouldn't really matter. And it was kind of funny, looking back, and saying that everything I loved was bound to leave me was such a lie, because I had Alex, and he was better than that. He was better than all of them. I toyed with his hair, feeling his breathing deepen as he fell asleep, and couldn't help but grin. It takes one good person that believes in you to make the world seem like a better place, and I finally had that person. With him came a new perspective, and a million reasons to want to live. I would be insane to ask for more.
I'm debating what story to update next. I know that I've pretty much completely stopped writing new chapters for some, and I honestly just can't seem to decided on what to write next. So, with that said, I would love for you all to tell me what story you want and update from next, so I can get to that and progress in the whole finishing these stories thing.
PartyPoison: Don't you think another death that soon would create complete chaos and discord? No, I'm not very much in the mood to kill anyone off. There's a million and one ways to break someone's heart, and I've chosen one that will honestly, and probably, shock every last person that reads this story. But you're going to have to wait for the chapter in which said heartbreak occurs to find out what it will be.
Elephants never forget. And I'm saying that, because there's a disk that says that on my desk right now. Anywho, I don't very much like the idea of simply forgetting the other, what 27, chapters that I spent hours writing.
SyraStrange: Yeah, I miss her, too. She reminded me of Maude from my favorite movie (Harold and Maude) and it's kind of sad knowing that she died. But hey, it had to happen eventually.
Well, we do know that this will end up being a Ryden eventually, so with that said, there's pretty much nowhere to go from here but down. Sad, really.
marissasorrentino: It's not dull because I torture my character! Haha, isn't that great? I do try, and I know this will be my longest story and I'm betting that it'll last at least 50 chapters. Then again, chances are that the first half of it alone will last about 40, so it'll probably be longer than that. A LOT longer.
So I'm glad you can keep up!
AnotherKnifeInMyHand: I'm thinking it might get boring here and there, but it should be pretty not-dead for a while, so yeah. Isn't it sad, knowing that his heart is just going to get broken again?
And, because a few people have guessed it, I really have to debunk the whole 'Alex is going to die' theory, because I'm not THAT evil.
Or maybe I am.
TheAnonymous: You're so happy that I updated that I feel like updating again! (But it's super late and I feel like my brain is going to deflate or something.) We're just going to have to wait for the next update, which shouldn't be too long from now, because I'm SO EXCITED for the next chapter.
And I know you're going to love it, too.