I spring from my bed with actual grace and sprint across my room stabbing my foot on an up-turned hairbrush (ow ow ow) I do a leap over a pile of unwashed laundry slash the reason I constantly smell like a gym then skid out of my room.
How, how could I forget? I was a baker a cook in my prime! (A butler the Jeeves of his time!). I know I’m pretty rubbish at everything that isn’t drawing my classmates being mutilated by flesh eating, blood lusting zombies but I really wanted to keep a hold of my family jewels. God really does hate fags.
I slide along our wooden hallway in my socks and fall partly down the stairs before grabbing hold of the banister, which consequently rips out my fingers.
Not literally though I am in a lot of pain and they may have to be amputated. Then I’d really be rubbish at everything, you can’t draw the living un-dead without hands!
Not important right now!
I wouldn’t be able to bake without hands either.
You can’t bake anyway. Mikey did most of the work all you had to do was get it out of the oven. By the way great job on that. It’s still burning.
Finally down the stairs I catapult over the sofa and dive into the kitchen landing on the old oak table with a thud on my stomach. With a sigh I see what I already knew; the oven on, smoky and disintegrating my pie. Along with my dreams. I’m going to die; I’m going to actually die.
What is a bake sale without baking? My death, that’s the answer. I wail and flail on the table in my Frankenstein pyjamas nocking the pepper flying into the sink. An over reaction? I think not, yes while I should apologise to the pepper later on when I’m not in such a pathetic state you must understand that this mornings actions were entirely plausible.
Let me introduce to you Coach Sylvester. Six feet of pure blonde, scheming hate and narcissism she even makes Jasey look like a butterfly. Coach’s threats are not metaphors, you ever heard of the chokey? Yes that small dark nail filled room in Matilda they stole that from Sylvester’s detention office.
“Gerard, what are you doing?” Comes my soulless little bother’s voice through the doorway and I look up to see him leaning easily against the doorframe school uniform scruffy and partly covered in food, skinny jeans too tight for a sibling. His usually heavily straitened mousy hair is still damp and sticking up at awkward angles glasses resting neatly on the end of his nose.
Why can’t he die instead of me? Younger flesh tastes better.
I point hopelessly towards the cooker, you can’t even see in anymore thanks to the amount of smoke. This is truly unfair what have I ever done to deserve this? I am a walking travesty and my life is in shambles maybe it’s better that I die today. Or maybe it will be decided that even death isn’t bad enough punishment for me and I will be put on the Cheerleading squad.
No I can’t think like that, if things ever get that bad I will run away to join the circus. But things are already that bad aren’t they? I burnt the pie.
“Oh” I watch my little brother’s face turn from a pallet of amused confusion to unbridled anger. This isn’t good. “Gerard you idiot! How could you? After all my hard work, I put my blood sweat and tears into that pie! All you had to do was take it out the oven!”
I think if my life were an anime Mikey’s head would be very big and have a little circle or throbbing triangles around it.
“But I’m sorry”
“Sorry isn’t going to bring my pie back”
“But I am sorry”
“So am I”
There’s a long remorseful silence then and I take it as a queue to hang my head in shame. I really have failed my cynical little brother. I’m about to ask if he knows anywhere I can buy cheap cyanide when a dark presence fills the room and I know certain death is near.
“Ooh what’s happened in here I could cut the atmosphere with a knife” Jasey’s sickly sweet venom coted voice drifts through the room
“Like anyone would give you a knife” I snap from my position of being sprawled out on the kitchen table
“someone woke up on the wrong side of the coffin this morning” She laughs at her stupid joke about me being a vampire.
I’m deathly pale despite my family being Italian and apparently that plus black, leather and eyeliner equal me sucking people’s blood nightly and sleeping in a coffin. “Shut up slut”
“Oh shut up that show is so stupid”
“Two words Gerard: Eric. Northman.” I have to consider her point for a second because hello Eric Northman! But then I remember just whom I’m talking to and choose the mature option of sticking my tongue out.
“Jasey!” Mikey’s voice sounds almost hurt, an emotion I have never seen in him before.
“Oh what? I’ve see the way you look at naked Sookie”
“She has a point” I say earning a death glare from my baby brother who I had forgotten wanted to castrate me “Sorry” I bow my head back down feebly.
“What’s got on your tits then?” Jasey asks looking between us confusion on her pierced face. Sometimes she reminds me of a cat.
“Gerard never took my pie from the oven and now it’s burnt”
“Oh Gerard” Jasey sounds truly disappointed in me “How could you?”
“I forgot! It was an accident! I’M SORRY” I plead flailing around again on the table this time sending the salt flying in a similar direction to the pepper.
“Get out of my sight. I can’t even look at you right now” I nod and slump off the table not protesting at being scolded by a junior. I hope Mikey forgives me one day.
We walk to school in silence; Mikey and Jasey holding hands me trudging along a few paces behind. I walk as slowly as I can, knowing that as soon as I reach those school gates my whole life will be put in jeopardy.
It’s a nice day to die though, the sun is baking the birds are singing. I wonder what the chances are of today being the beginning of the zombie apocalypse. I haven’t brought my axe though so I’d probably still die. I rule out that option of escape along with evaporation, invisibility cloaks, and Coach Sylvester having died tragically in the night by being hit my a tractor. Though really the last one is still a possibility it’s just my mom tells me not to wish death upon others so much.
Not that my mom’s ever around to scold me for it anymore, if she was she could have taken the pie from the oven when my brain malfunctioned, it would also mean Mikey and me wouldn’t have to live on take outs all our lives. But because she runs a bible camp over in Mississippi I’m going to die from a spike to the chest and Mikey of malnutrition. I say it’s neglect.
As we near the gates I feel the fear growing in my chest and it must show on my face since even my normal posy of adoring girls don’t come running today, they simply watch knowing as well as I do that my execution day is set.
I trudge through the gates and into the fiery pits of hell as I part from my loathing brother and his Dracula bride they give me what could almost be counted as a sympathetic look. Or it could just be gas. I make my way through the crowds of parting school children and reach the door of doom. I knock feebly and hear the voice that is about to rid me of my sanity tell me to come in. I open the door to see Succubus herself sitting at the plastic modern desk scribbling something on some lined paper. Probably a list of vendettas, I bet I’m at the top.
“I burnt the pie”I say solemnly and her head snaps up
“Burnt the pie”
“You failed me Gerard?”
I nod and she just looks at me with those cold beady eyes for a moment letting the fear really sink in.
“No one fails me” I nod again scared mostly by the calm of her voice “You realise that this means that it is now my duty to make your life a living hell don’t you?” I nod “Gerard Way be at the bleachers strait after school you will pass your Duke Of Edinburgh whether it’s through baking pies or picking litter in your girly undies do you understand. No one fails me!”
The bell for last lesson goes and I know that this is it this is when I die. Ray offers me small words of support but I can tell really he wants to be chasing after the cheerleader in the short shorts. I shuffle along the corridors torn between wanting to take as much time as possible to travel to my death and not wanting to be late for the she-devil. By the time I reach the bleachers I’m shaking despite it being like 40 degrees out I’m just about ready to face death when I see him, slumped lazily against the bleachers hair jostled back and littler picker in his hand. Yoda.
A/N So oh my god the first chapter is green! ahwauhkfekuhehkueg Thank you sooooooooooooooooo much! I hope it isn't going down hill I'm not sure whether I like this chapter so you will have to tell me if it's okay! Three reviews= an update! The reviews are aweosme guys I'm working on the next update!