Auto-correct gone wrong! And they're actually up this time!
Fuck it, it's not. Errrrmmm. Sorry they're photos so I can't put them on here. Errrmmmm. Search on Facebook for 'Monstrice Nineohone'.
Fuck this again! Does anyone have any idea how to make an album Public? It just isn't working and I've been trying for the last half hour! Or just anyway to put photos online, 'cos this is seriously bugging me!
Fuck it - I'm typing them up
ME: Do not touch the crack pipe on the stove! It's too hot to handle!
ME: Creme pie! Creme pie! I don't do drugs!
JAY: Hi Brian, this is Jay. I'm Carl's son. Can you come by and give me some advice? My dick is rotting fairly badly and I need to know if I can salvage it.
BRIAN: Hey Jay. Sounds like you need a doctor, not a contractor.
JAY: Lol. Wow. I meant 'deck' not 'dick'. New phone.
BRIAN: I was gonna say. Carl never mentioned he had a son with dick rot. Hows Thurs 4:45?
ME: Hi Marj. Sorry to bother you but I have a question? Can I hook a third monitor to my computer?
MARJORIE: No, you cunt.
ME: Wow. Harsh.
MARJORIE: Sorry! No, you can't - auto correct. :S
ME: Went to the doctor, I have strep throat. He prescribed penetration.
VICTOR: I'LL BE RIGHT OVER!!!
ME: Ooops! Lol sorry - I meant penicillin!
ME: Are you packing a sweatshirt? Do you think we will need one?
MARIA: I'm bringing two. My cameltoe is huge, so I'm cramming everything in their.
MARIA: My CAMEL TOTE!!! Woops! That is the last straw with auto correct!
ME: The straw that broke the cameltoe's back?
JANICE: How's it going?
ME: Not too bad. I met Pat's kid. Did you know he is a child prostitute?
JANICE: What?! Pat and Kim's son? What's going on.
ME: PRODIGY! OMG - autocorrect! He's skipped like 8 grades!
JANICE: Better grades than beds!
MOM: Dad and I fondled ourselves for the first time last night. We didn't get very good results - nothing came up!
ME: OMG - Mom, I have no idea what you tried to write, but that is hilarious!
MOM: Damn autocorrect! We Googled ourselves!
ME: What else is going on? Anything exciting?
MOM: Same old, same old. Did your brother tell you he got AIDS this semester?
ME: WTF? Why didn't anyone tell me? I'll call you.
MOM: Sorry! He got As! Not sure what happened - my phone changed it.
ME: I'm gonna kill you Mom!
DAD: Your mom and I are going to divorce next month!
ME: What?! Why? Call me!
DAD: I wrote Disney and the phone changed it. Your mom and I are going to Disney!
MOM: Everything ok? Haven't heard from you in a few days.
MATT: Yup. Sorry ma. Just came out of the closet.
MOM: Oh Matthew! That's great! I always had a hunch. Your father and I love you no matter what.
MATT: Holy shite ma - I'm not gay. Autocorrect changed it from clinic.
MOM: Oh I see.
MATT: The real issue is you thought I was gay?
DAD: You there Shawn?
SHAWN: Yeah, what up dad?
DAD: I am eating your mother out tonight, so you have to find dinner on your own.
SHAWN: Right, not sure how to respond to that. Have fun?
DAD: No, I'm not eating her out. I'm eating her out.
SHAWN: Well that clears things up.
DAD: I meant taking her out. Well, this has been a fun chat.
MOM: I've got something to tell you. Are you sitting down?
ME: Yeah, what is it?
MOM: Your brother was adopted!
ME: What? What are talking about? Why are you telling me over text?
MOM: Oh this damn phone. I mean he got accepted. He's going to Yale!
BRYAN: Hi bro. How was your date last night? Did you score?
ME: Not quite. First date, so we went to dinner and I walked her home. Then I killed her in the woods outside her house and left.
BRYAN: Killing her seems a bit harsh. Did she order lobster and fillet mignon or something?
ME: KISSED! WTF?
ME: Hows it going?
JIM: Awful. I have a bad case of manboobs.
ME: ??? lol
JIM: OMG! The mondays! damn autocorrect!
JACOB: Do we have stain remover or anything?
ME: Why? What happened?
JACOB: I squeezed me cock to hard and it exploded everywhere.
JACOB: Holy crap - I meant Coke!
JASON: Be warned I'm dumping you when I get home.
JENNA: Fine by me. I was thinking we could use some time apart.
JASON: WTF? I got autocorrected. I meant that I'm jumping you, not dumping! Now you're telling me you wanna break up?
JENNA: Well, this is awkward!
Lol - I love that last one. And the Crack Pipe. I don't own any of these - found them online - hope you enjoyed though!