Snail sex, monopoly, and moosi testicles...
Oh, and you guys should totally check out this new (amazing) story by the lovely benzedrine_barbie: http://www.ficwad.com/story/180497
Right, I’ll shut up and let you guys read this now.
Oh holy unicorn cocks.
This is….awkward. Very, very awkward.
I’m standing, watching my ex-best friend swapping a sickening amount saliva with my satanic, fake-tan smothered stepsister.
With her boyfriend beside me.
Her boyfriend who I’ve just spontaneously licked, played tonsil tennis with, and been wonderfully molested by in the family bathtub.
So, yeah. This is slightly awkward.
Okay, that’s a serious understatement- this might just be one of the most awkward moments I’ve had the misfortune to become part of in my fucked-up, hormonally crazed and co-ordination lacking existence. Well, apart from that time where Ray’s Mom walked in on us wrestling over an Iron Maiden CD in his room and thought we were making babies.
Well, not actually making babies. As far as I know, that’s impossible.
Unless Ray is actually secretly female. Which, in all honesty, wouldn’t surprise me. He does have a disturbing interest in nail paint, not to mention the whole thing with snogging his cat.
Actually, I’m not sure how cat-molesting would make you female. Never mind. Either way, Ray’s Mom was almost certainly scarred for life.
I guess it didn’t really help that we had been in the process of changing out of our school uniforms and were only half-clothed. Eeek.
I glance briefly at Frank, hoping seriously that he isn’t sobbing with heartbroken tears and wanting to throw himself under the next double-decker bus and exterminate himself from existence.
I wonder what he’d be reincarnated as… It would be so awesome if he was a snail too. Then we could have lots of little snail babies and lick each other’s slime.
You need professional help.
No, seriously. You do. You’re fantasising about your stepsister’s ridiculously hot boyfriend becoming a snail.
What’s wrong with that?
You’re imagining what snail sex would be like with him.
How did you know that?!
Because I’m you, you fucker.
Ha. That means your fantasising about snail intercourse too. Sicko.
SHUT UP YOU LITTLE FREAKS!! You’ve licked Frank Iero. Can’t you just be happy for five minutes now that your deepest desires have finally come true?!
No. We want to lick him more. Our tongues will never be satisfied again unless they’re attached to him.
There’s suddenly a loud crash behind us, interrupting my inner argument of unhinged mental state, and Frank and I whirl round away from the sight of us that’s so revolting I want to remove my own intestines and strangle myself with them so I don’t have to watch any more of this saliva swapping.
Mikey is standing ashen faced in the hallway, the remains of a shattered coffee mug at his feet. He’s just staring unblinkingly at the more than slightly sticky situation in the front doorway. Sticky in a non-perverted sense, obviously.
His eyes drift from my love-bite slathered neck and swollen lips to the disturbing tightness of Frank’s jeans and the way his hair is standing up so much he might as well just been dragged through all the hedges in the neighbourhood backwards and then had his hair done by Andy Six.
When I say done, I mean styled. Not fucked.
That would just be messed up. Actually, his hair probably would be very messed up if that happened.
Oh shut up, brain. You’re rambling again.
I don’t ramble. I fantasise about snails, sex and the multiple genitalia of sex gods.
Resisting the temptation to remove my own brain out through one of my ears, I turn my attention back to the situation.
Mikey’s gaze has now drifted to the sun-soaked doorstep where Ray’s tongue is so far down Jamie’s throat it must be nearly at her chest. Perhaps he’s trying to reach her boobs but has forgotten they’re on the outside, not the inside.
Mikey’s mouth falls open and his eyes widen so much he looks almost as bizarre as that time he drank seventeen mugs of extra strong coffee in an hour and had to be driven to the nearest hospital as fast as possible, twitching.
“Oh my moosi testicles,” he breathes, and stumbles as fast as he can away from us all, looking as if he’s about to vomit.
His voice and terrified departure results in the demon and the cat molester breaking apart, making a horrible squelchy, slurpy, suction sound as they do so.
It takes them a second to realise that there are two people standing right in front of them, and a couple of seconds more to realise that the two people are probably the two they would least like to be there at that particular moment in time.
Jamie’s icy eyes widen as she sees Frank.
Ray, meanwhile, looks like he wants to be absorbed by his own ‘fro as he meets my death glare, which must look pretty impressive when my hair is almost as messed up as a hedgehog trying the Black Veil Brides look.
This is swiftly followed by one of the most heavy, ominous, awkward silences I’ve ever experienced. In fact, it even tops that moment with Ray’s Mom thinking we were fucking. And that time I sucked off the captain of the school football team and he realised I wasn’t a girl. Eeech. That wasn’t pretty. Mind you, neither was sucking him off.
I glance worriedly at Frank, wondering if he’ll now burst into floods of tears as he realises that his girlfriend is actually a cheating bitch from hell. However, unless I’m very much mistaken, other than the shock, he looks faintly amused.
Seriously, the dude is weird. But hey, I guess he’d have to be to have snogged me the way he did.
“Hey Jamie. Hi Ray,” He says calmly.
“It’s- it’s- it’s not how it looks,” Jamie stammers, smoothing her ruffled hair.
I let out an inner evil cackle at my stepsister finally getting her comeuppance for the horrible, demonic, cold-hearted, violent, sadistic, satanic vicious bitch she is. Okay, maybe that’s a little harsh. I guess she’s not actually satanic, although it’s a close thing. A very close thing.
“Yeah…um…Jamie just had uh, something in her mouth,” Ray blusters.
“Yeah, I think it was your face,” Frank supplies helpfully, leaning casually against the doorframe and looking unfairly hot and alluring. How is it possible for him to look so constantly sexy?!
Seriously, he will be the death of me.
You’d think my brain cells might be temporarily satisfied by the fact they just got to ravage Frank Iero in a bathtub, but sadly, their urge to jump on him and start humping him senseless there and then on the doorstep in front of his girlfriend isn’t any weaker. In fact, I’m pretty sure it’s even stronger than before.
And that’s fucking saying something.
I really should stop saying ‘fuck’ or ‘fucking’ too. It only encourages the little perverts.
Hehehe. Fuck. Fucking. Fuck.
Shut up. Now. Or I’ll rape him.
Why do you think I’m saying it?
I hurriedly grapple for the door behind me and hang on for dear life so as I won’t suddenly find myself being flung at the sex god beside me. With swollen lips and overly tight jeans all thanks to me. And-
Seriously, Brian. Shut up right now.
Did you just call me ‘Brian?’!
Hey, I’m sorry- I can’t think straight now.
Yeah, but ‘Brian’?! I’m insulted. In fact, I’m not talking to you anymore.
Thankfully, my brain cells’ hormone deranged lunacy is interrupted by Ray’s wild stuttering to convince us that in fact it he wasn’t snogging Jamie’s (scarily short) skirt off mere seconds ago.
Well, thankfully not literally.
I’d rather suck off the captain of the football team again than see that.
“No, really- she’d lost something. I was just…looking for it…?” Ray stammers and stutters, blushing so furiously I’m surprised his face doesn’t start smoking. I mean, I can practically feel the heat coming off it.
Jeez, it feels pretty damn good not to be the one looking like a dying the for once.
Jamie shoots him her famous Glare of Death, and Ray really looks like he wants to get violently squished by a passing vehicle or snacked on by brain-eating zombies.
Frank smirks, while I increase my death glare at Ray and he starts to quiver slightly.
“Okay, so we were kissing,” Jamie admits through gritted teeth, looking livid. “But he kissed me- I don’t feel anything for him. It’s you I love, Frankie.”
Frank raises his eyebrows so high they disappear under his fringe.
“And what are you doing here anyway?” Jamie questions, suddenly looking suspicious. Ha. As if she has any right to be suspicious- she just snogged some other puffy haired dude right in front of her own sex god of a boyfriend. Bitch.
Frank shrugs carelessly, raking a careless hand through his dishevelled hair and making me want to hurtle at him and lick him to death. “What does it matter to you, Jamie?”
All my brain cells are cackling madly in triumph; for once, I’m not the one who’s going to get castrated and violently amputated.
“Gerard?” Jamie snarls.
Oh shit, maybe I am.
“What were you doing with Frank?” she hisses venomously.
“Uh…Playing… monopoly.” I blurt.
Ray blinks. Jamie narrows her eyes to slits. Frank looks over at my flaming cheeks in amusement.
“You were playing monopoly?” Jamie repeats in a deadly soft tone.
I nod, trying not to show the fact that my knees are trembling.
“So, Gerard Gay,” she spits furiously, advancing on me. “Tell me, if you were playing monopoly, what are those?” she nods at my neck.
Oh shit. The violently purple several hundred love-bites Frank created.
Well, six. But y’know. Maths has never really been my strong point.
And it really would be a lot easier to come up with a much more believable story if he wasn’t standing right beside me smelling of mangoes and tobacco and being just so god damn sexy.
“Gerard?” Jamie repeats dangerously.
I gulp. Somehow, I’m guessing they haven’t evaporated or faded.
“Um. He…uh…kept…um…digging the hotels into my neck,” I mumble.
I mentally facepalm. With a chainsaw.
I really didn’t think I could actually become more of an idiot, but I guess it doesn’t really help my case that all my brain cells are once again mentally undressing a certain Mr. Iero and getting very excited and giggly. Some of them have even started prancing about in pink feather boas.
Beside me, I’m sure I can see Frank shaking with silent laughter, but I daren’t’ look at him.
Meanwhile, Jamie’s icy eyes have drifted down to my disastrously tight jeans.
Oh holy fuck, she really is going to chop off my dick.
“What’s that?” She sighs, eyes deadly. Beside her, I’m pretty sure I see Ray bite his lip worriedly and throw me a sympathetic glance, which I respond to with a middle finger. I don’t want any puffy-haired sympathy.
“Um, I…I…ummm…I had to…uh… hide the money down my jeans because Frank kept cheating,” I hear myself stammer.
Frank lets out a funny choking noise of stifled laughter, but Jamie keeps her eyes fixed on me.
“So are you going to tell me what happened to Frank?” Jamie growls.
“Um, what do you mean?” I mumble.
Jamie gestures wordlessly at her boyfriend’s crotch.
His jeans are, if possible, even tighter than mine, his hair looks like he’s been fucked for hours on end, his cheeks are flushed, and his lips are bruised and swollen.
Holy fuck he is hot. I think I’m melting.
Would it be appropriate to fuck him right now?
No. Not really.
“Uh…” I try and think of anything as an excuse, which my drooling brain cells are making extremely difficult. They may actually be about to spontaneously combust- there is only so much the poor little munchkins can take.
“I just get strangely excited by playing monopoly,” Frank says brightly. “It’s a fetish- what can I say?” he shrugs, biting back one of his devastating grins.
My brain cells suddenly have a very graphic picture of ravishing a naked Frank Iero on a monopoly board.
Jamie narrows her eyes as I gasp and cling harder to the door. “I’m going to get to the bottom of this.”
“That’s nice,” Frank smirks. “But I’d better be off…see you guys.” And with that, he gives Ray a little salute, Jamie a cold look, completely ignoring me and starting off down the garden path, swinging his hips in a way that makes me want to melt into a little puddle of hormones on the doorstep.
He reaches the gate and turns round, his eyes glittering mischievously in the setting sun’s golden glow as he throws me one of those absolutely devastating beams and blows me a little kiss behind Jamie and Ray’s turned backs.
Suddenly, the door isn’t enough to support me, and I find myself in a collapsed heap of melting Gerard and dying brain cells on the doorstep at Jamie’s feet.
Between her fake-tanned ankles, I see Frank grin more widely and set off down the street.
“You are the most pathetic thing ever to have existed,” Jamie sighs in disgust, stepping over me and storming up the stairs.
I just groan into the doormat.
“Right…um…well, I’ll…just be off,” Ray mutters from where he’s still standing on the doorstep.
He turns to go, but before he can take one step down the path, I grab his ankles.
“You aren’t going anywhere, traitor,” I growl quietly.
Ray lets out a disturbingly feminine squeal as I use his trousers to claw myself back up to standing position, despite the fact I no longer have knees and feel like my manly bits may be melting.
“I-I’m not?” Ray stammers, looking scared.
“No, fuckface. You’re coming with me,” I snarl, dragging my ex-best friend through the doorway, along the hallway and out into the back garden by the sleeve of his t-shirt.
I plonk myself down on the patio steps in the late evening golden sunshine and drag Ray down so as he’s trembling beside me, looking extremely worried.
I take a deep breath, block out my flailing, fainting little brain cells and the image of a Frank on a monopoly board, turning to Ray in the balmy summer air and fixing him with a glare.
“Explain yourself, Toro,” I growl furiously. All my pink knicker wearing little mentally unhinged cells of the brain are actually foaming at their little mouths in fury at the sight of my puffy-haired ex-best friend.
“What the fuck do you think?!” I snarl.
“Well, you’re the one with a neck that might as well be one giant love-bite,” Ray points out timidly.
“YOU WERE THE ONE WITH YOUR TONGUE DOWN SATAN’S THROAT!!” I yell so loudly that the dude reading a paper in the soft evening sun over the next door fence scuttles fearfully indoors, trembling.
“Oh. Um. That.”
“Yes. THAT. And I saw you in the park too, fuckface,” I spit angrily. “Care to explain?! You could have made Frank DIE of a broken heart, you heartless puff head!!”
Ray leans back on the sun-soaked patio steps and gazes up at the cloudlessly blue sky for a few moments, gaze lingering on the glow of the setting sun and the fireflies dancing across the grass.
Then he lets out a long, dreamy sigh and turns to look at me. “I think I’m in love, Gee…”
“WHAT?!” I yelp in horror.
“I’m in love…” Ray sighs happily.
“ARE YOU INSANE?! OR ARE YOU SERIOUSLY TELLING ME THAT YOU’RE IN LOVE WITH A BITCH SO EVIL SHE MAKES HITLER LOOK LIKE A CUDDLY YELLOW RUBBER DUCK?!” I shout, utterly horrified.
“Rubber ducks aren’t cuddly, Gee.”
“Do I look like I give a flying FUCK?!”
I suddenly notice that two little kids on the street have stopped and are gazing over the garden fence at me, their mouths wide open.
“Fuck off!” I yelp, flailing my arms about angrily.
“Ray, what the fuck is wrong with you?!” I cry in anguish, turning back to my ‘fro loving ex-best friend. “What was wrong with molesting your cat?!”
“What does molesting mean?” One of the little kids by the fence asks curiously.
“Haven’t I told you to PISS OFF?!” I snarl.
“What happened to your neck?” The other asks interestedly.
“I got bitten by a vampire, and if you don’t go AWAY I’ll suck your blood because I’m a vampire now,” I threaten, narrowing my eyes.
“Are you retarded or something?!” the smaller of the kids snorts. “Vampires aren’t real. Jeez.” And with that, they both set off down the street.
There’s a slightly awkward silence between Ray and I.
“Um, I’m sorry, Gerard,” Ray mumbles. “I thought you’d be happy because if I was with Jamie, she might break up with Frank and then you could lust after him like the messed up loser you are.”
I blink, letting what he said process my slow brain.
“Oh,” is my clever response. “Oh. Um. Well, maybe I don’t hate you quite so much then. It’s just as well Frank seems to be okay, or I might just have to kill you.”
“But seriously, don’t blame me if you end up dead, man.” I sigh. “Jamie’s the devil, remember?”
Ray sighs dreamily again. “She’s like an angel, Gee.”
I think perhaps Ray’s been at the weed again.
I mean seriously, Jamie’s more likely to be an angel than I am to snog Frank Iero.
Well, basically, she’s a bitch from hell.
By the time I’m curled up in my bed later the same evening, I can’t seem to stop grinning like an escaped mental patient. The reality of the day finally seems to have percolated my brain and my brain cells are beyond ecstatic.
They’re all dancing frantically in their pink knickers and flamboyant boas, grinning manically like the little freaks they are. But for once, I don’t mind.
I kissed Frank Iero. In a bathtub. And I licked his face. And he put his hands down my pants.
Am I actually in heaven?
I’m so happy I could literally start skipping. Which actually might not be that great of an idea- when I skip, I break things. Like my bones. And right now, I really don’t want to have to spend the next week in hospital.
But ohmygoooodandmooseshit, I had Mr. Iero’s tongue in my mouth.
My overjoyed thoughts and reminiscing of sex god saliva are suddenly interrupted by a soft knock on my bedroom door.
“Come in,” I call, and the door swings open to reveal my younger brother in a lilac nightdress emblazoned in pink unicorns. Seriously, I do not get how he’s the straight one out of the two of us.
“Sup,” Mikey grins softly, shutting the door behind him.
“Hey,” I bream from where I’m lying daydreaming about the possibly multiple genitalia of a certain Mr. Iero
“I just wanted to come and check you’re still alive- when I last saw you, I thought Jamie might just have removed your head,” he says, sitting down on the end of my bed.
“I didn’t know you cared,” I say in surprise, sitting up slightly.
“I don’t- I was just wondering if I could have your eyeliner if you died.”
Usually, I’d scowl and throw something sharp at my infuriating younger sibling, but nothing can ruin my good mood- Frank Iero made out with me. Like, with his tongue. And his lips.
What else would you make out with, dipshit?
Shut up. I’m happy. I now know what a sex god’s saliva tastes like, so ha.
Oh dear moose poopings, this really is heaven.
“Oh god, that’s terrifying,” Mikey says.
“Your grin,” Mikey shakes his head despairingly. “It looks like you’re some kind of insane sadist that likes torturing small, furry animals for a living. Seriously, stop it. It’s freaking me out. It’s just not natural.”
I grin more widely, my happiness brimming over the edges so as I’m unable to suppress it any further.
“Sorry Mikes- I’m just so happy!” I beam ecstatically.
Mikey rolls his eyes. “I’m guessing this means that you and Frank did fuck in the bathroom? I still haven’t been able to bring myself to go in there- I had to pee in the kitchen sink earlier.”
“We didn’t fuck, Mikey,” I reassure him sadly.
“Oh?” Mikey looks surprised.
“We just like, made out and shit,” I beam, sighing happily at the memory. “It was the best moment of my life.”
“Hey, you could be a little happier for me!” I say indignantly, pouting at my brother from where I’m lounging on my bed.
“Well, excuse me for not being overjoyed my older brother got felt up in the family bathroom by my stepsister’s boyfriend,” Mikey says sarcastically. “And that pouting is in no way cute, Gee.”
I give him the finger, but I guess it doesn’t have quite the same affect when I’m beaming like a lunatic on speed because FRANK MADE OUT WITH ME.
You’ve already mentioned that, fuckface.
Yes. Quite a lot.
Well I DON’T CARE, because Frank molested me in a bathtub. You jelly?!
No, because he did that to me too.
“So how did you explain the several million love-bites on your neck to Jamie?” Mikey sighs, interrupting the pointless bickering inside my head.
“I told her Frank and I were playing monopoly and he kept pressing all the hotels into my neck,” I mutter, embarrassed. “I don’t think she bought it.”
Mikey splutters and sniggers. “No shit, Sherlock.”
I roll my eyes, but still can’t keep the smile off my face.
“So how did Jamie and Ray explain the whole snogging thing?” Mikey asks. “That must have been a tricky one for her to get out of.”
“Ray said he was looking for something in Jamie’s mouth,” I smirk. “But Jamie gets away with everything.”
Mikey bursts out laughing. “Oh my god, that’s even better than your excuse!” he sniggers, shaking his head.
“He thinks he’s in love with her,” I say quietly.
Mikey immediately stops laughing like a hysterical octopus.
Wait…can octopus even laugh?!
Who gives a shit about giggling sea creatures? We licked Frank Iero.
“He’s in love with SATAN?!” Mikey exclaims incredulously.
“And I’m guessing you’re in love with Satan’s boyfriend?” Mikey sighs.
I beam. “He’s just so amazing, Mikes….he’s smart and funny and so god damn hot and his ass is so fucking nice and he kisses like…like a god, and he knows exactly how to jerk-”
“Stop right there before I hurl all over you,” Mikey groans, getting up and going over to the door with his hands over his ears. “You need help. So does Ray. And Frank. And Jamie…well, Jamie just needs to be executed. Fuck, this is like the weirdest love triangle ever.”
“How is it a triangle?”
“Oh fuck off, a love square then,” Mikey snaps. “But promise me one thing, Gee?”
“If you fuck the dude, never, ever do it anywhere near where I am. And for fuck’s sake, come up with a better excuse than ‘playing monopoly’, or Jamie will remove your dick and you won’t be able to fuck her boyfriend any more.”
And with that, Mikey shuffles out of my room, closing the door softly behind him.
Seconds later, there’s a quick knock and Mikey pokes his head back round the door.
“If Jamie does violently amputate your limbs and cock and you die, can I have that eyeliner?”
I roll my eyes. “Fuck off,” I say, and Mikey sighs, obediently shutting the door on his way out.
I beam into the silence and cuddle back down into my bed with a happy sigh as I let my mind drift over the events of the day. Me. Frank. Tongues. Lips. Saliva. It’s one of my messed up little daydreams come true.
I’m just drifting into a very pleasant Frank-related daydream when my mobile buzzes on the table next to me.
I lean over and scoop it up.
One new message: Frank: Howdy, Tumbles ;) loved ‘playing monopoly’ with you today :P wanna meet up tomorrow? xoxoxoxoxoF
My heart jolts and all my little brain cells start squealing in excitement as I text out a reply with trembling fingers saying I’d love to.
Frank replies in seconds, making my stomach somersault in anticipation as I unlock my mobile and click the ‘read’ button.
One new message: Frank: Awesome shit. Will call round sometime then :) xoxoF p.s. …You’re the best ‘monopoly’ player I’ve met ;)
Beaming like a pathetic thirteen year old school girl, I put my phone down and cuddle down happily into my duvet, holding in hysterically happy and retarded giggles.
I fall asleep with the biggest smile ever on my face.
For the first time ever, I, Gerard Way, misfit, weirdo, and insanely clumsy homosexual along with all my excitable, unhinged, pink-knicker wearing brain cells, are completely and utterly in love.
With a sex god who just happens to be dating my fiendish stepsister from hell.
But hey, love is love.
Likey? No likey? I’m sorry if it wasn’t very good- I’m feeling really down so I don’t know if it was particularly funny. It may seem very cute right now, but there are a few more dramatic (and hopefully hilarious) little incidents to come before the end xD so…yeah. Hope you enjoyed and rate and review? Please? If you’ve got time, I’d also like to know which bit you liked best. Thanks so much for sticking with this story, guys- it really means the world to me. Love you all and will try and update soooon!