Lots of rambling and crying.
So I'm not going to give you all some bullshit reason on why I wasn't updating. The truth is: Some shit's been going on lately. I can't tell you guys everything. But what I can tell you certain things that I'm not afraid to admit to you all because I know we're all family on here and I (hopefully) won't be judged.
Ok, where do I start? I'll just go back about 3 weeks ago. First off my mom saw the cuts on my wrists, and what did she do? Nothing. Oh well I guess.
Then my dad left and he's been gone for 3 weeks. No one knows where he is or what he's doing. My mom then decided it was my fault he left and kicked me out of the house; so now I'm a 14 year old living on the streets, but then my brother, Aaron, let me live with him.
My dad finally calls after a week of being gone, turns out he has an illegitimate child with this woman from Oklahoma who showed up to tell him. So now I guess I have another 17 year old brother(half-brother. Fuck it, he's not even my brother.).
THEN about 3 days after that my 'friend' tried to start shit with me. She was spreading rumors around my school that I was pregnant(no it was not Christian. She actually went up to the girl and punched her in the face[why I love Christian so much]).
A few days later I was getting hate e-mails, my locker got covered in red paint, and when my locker DID get cleaned off someone spray painted 'WHORE' across it in all caps. I had to clean it off in front of my entire first hour. Yes I was on my hands and knees scraping off something that someone else did. Imagine the boys excitement to that. I got fucking fed up with being the one to get picked on for no reason. So I thought 'Hey why not give the a reason to think I'm really a whore? Why not give them a fucking reason to torment me and beat me up every. Fucking. Day.' I started wearing short skirts, low tops, and heels to school.
About a week ago my brother's apartment got broken into, trashed, and LOTS of shit got stolen. All of his/my photos, my guitars, my drum set, my violin, my bass guitars, his tv, the playstation3 and xbox, about $3,000 dollars from his personal safe(which he was saving up to send me off to college), all of my money, some clothes, and some food. Thank god they didn't lift the floorboards up(I hide all of my important stuff there like my laptop, laptop charger, phone, phone charger, and makeup.) They also stole my sheets off of my bed(who the fuck does that?) Then (while trying to get all of our stuff back by filing a police report) they accused him of kidnapping/raping me because my mom forgot to sign the stupid fucking paperwork saying that he was now my legal guardian. It made me physically sick to my stomach that someone would even THINK that my brother could do something like that to me. They arrested him and he spent 3 days in jail, but then he was proven innocent and let go. He got fired from his job and had alot of bills to pay. Most being the electricity bill and my guitar lessons.
Then 2 days ago I did something. Something I'm definitely not proud of at all, but we needed the money and I would do anything to help out my brother. I just... I couldn't see him like that. So yes I turned to the dark side of sex. Fucking prostitution. Seriously the grossest most fucked up thing ever. Old fucking perverted men willing to pay hundreds of dollars to sleep with a fucking 14 year old, but we needed the money. I, of course, haven't told anyone. Even Christian. Christian if you read this: I'm sorry. Just call me and we'll talk about it. it was the sickedst thing I've ever done and I feel absolutely disgusting about myself.
And now? I'm laying in my bed crying because all of my stuff's gone, I can't practice for my school's talent show, and to top it all off: I got kicked out of MY band! The band that I started! They decided to keep all of my songs that I wrote and the music to it, then they pretty much told me to go fuck myself. Their exact words were 'Sorry, but you just don't contribute to the band like everyone else. So yeah, you're kicked out. Bye now.' Pfft, don't contribute to the fucking band are you kidding me... I write the songs, I write the music, I do their stage makeup, I pick out stage outifts, and I thought of the name of the band. Fucking bullshit. Christian stayed with me/left the band to start a new band with me. God we feel like Ryan and Jon right now. Forgotten by our 'best friends'. Definitely NO hate towards Brendon and Spencer, but I watched their most recent interview and they couldn't even say Ryan and Jon's name. I still love them, Brendon is still the cutest little ball of energy I've ever seen and Spencer is still the flawless bitch that he always is, but they couldn't even talk about Ryan and Jon. I couldn't even watch the full interview. I'm sorry, I... I really I am... I just couldn't... I just... it made me sick to think that Brendon had forgetten about Ryan. And yes I know that Ryan and Jon left, and I probably sound like a complete idiot. If you guys don't hate me by now I'd be surprised. Sorry for my constant rambling, I just need to get this out... I'm a fucking hot mess who doesn't want to be saved.
And you guys remember my story 'Alone And Already Halfway Gone'? That was based on an actual night I had way back in 2010. Just replace Ryan with my brother and BOOM! You got my night played out perfectly.
So if you don't see me for a couple weeks/months/years(hope it doesn't come to that) you guys know why. Maybe you won't see me anymore at all. I'm not sure if music can save my life this time.
I just have to get my shit in order and sort my life the fuck out before I can even think about writing.
I know I probably shouldn't be crying about this shit. I mean some people are losing their sister, best friend, etc. (you know who you are) and I'm sad because some of my stuff got taken and I got kicked out of a motherfucking band. God I sound so fucking pathetic.
I just needed to get this all out. I'm sorry if this offended anyone in any way, it's just my mindless rambling.
I'll try and update as soon as possible but until then:
So long and goodnight.