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This is a 1940's Film Noir Spoof, American Dad style!
by Trenton Sands
Opening Credits Scene:
A haunting, intense orchestrial theme song plays.
Caption: American Dad Presents:
A 1940's Film Noir Spoof!
Stan Smith as a Bogart-like Detective
Francine Smith as his Lounge Singer Girlfriend
Steve Smith as a Paperboy
Hayley Smith as a Disgrunted Secretary
Roger as an Evil Assistant
Klaus as a Mad Scientist hellbent on World Domination!
Principal Lewis as the Atomic Monster!
Langley Falls, 1947. It was a dark and stormy night. There was a haunted house in the middle of the woods. There lived a mad scientist and his assistant. Their names were Dr. Klausenstein and Rod-Gor. Klausenstein was tall, had a fish shaped head, wore a lab coat, goggles, slacks, and boots. Rod-Gor wore a turtleneck sweater, johspurs, and knee high boots. He has a hunchback and an overbite and talked like Jimmy Stewart. They were both in a laboratory full of machines, a strap down gurney and a cage dangling over an alligator pit.
Klausenstein: Yes! Yes! This will bring life to my creation!
Rod-Gor: What's this strap down gurney supposed to be for, boss?
Klausenstein: Glad you asked, Rod-Gor. We are going to dig up a dead body and reanimate it's body!
Rod-Gor: You mean a brain transplant, boss?
Klausenstein: No, an ass transplant! Then, I fill up the corpse full of my atomic waste potion!
Rod-Gor: What do you hope to accomplish with this, boss?
Klausenstein: I will create my own race of people! Race of an atomic superman! Which will conquer the world!
Rod-Gor: Sounds like a brilliant plan, boss! But didn't somebody already try to do something like that a while back? In Germany? That started a whole World War?
Klausenstein: Yes, but we will do better than him! In fact, he inspired me to do this!
Rod-Gor: What should we do?
Klausenstein (hands Rod-Gor A shovel): Take this and dig up a dead body in the graveyard next door!
Rod-Gor: Right boss!
Klausenstein: And when you're done, bring the body back here so we can begin!
Rod-Gor: Right boss!
Klausenstein: Then, my plan for world domination will be a success!
Rod-Gor: Right boss!
Klausenstein (yells at Rod-Gor): AND STOP SAYING 'RIGHT BOSS'! YOU SOUND LIKE BOJANGLES!
Rod-Gor: Sorry. Been watching too much Amos and Andy!
Then Rod-Gor leaves and runs to the graveyard.
Klausenstein: But, there is only one man who can stop me. THe one who keeps thwarting my plans! I will stop him this time! Detective Smith!
As Klausenstein laughs evilly, he looks at the picture of Detective Smith as lightning crashes.
In an aerial view of the city of Langley Falls. A light jazz piano tune plays and Francine sings, "Sooner or Later I will Get My Man". There was a Detective Agency right next to the CJ Neppys. Detective Stan Smith worked there waiting for his next assignment.
Stan VO: It's 1947 here in Langley Falls. Girls are Girls, and Men are Men! Didn't need a Walfare State! And Everybody Pulled Their Weight! Harry Truman is President, there was an alien sighting near Roswell, and Shemp Howard is The 3rd Stooge. Just as well, Curly was a pussy, anyway! I am Stan Smith. I am now a Private Dick! Don't take that a wrong way, it's a slang word for a detective. Anyway, I fought in Iwo Jima back in WW2, and when I got back from the war, I started my own detective agency. I'm dating a hot dame who's a lounge singer and I'm waiting for my next assigment!
Stan Smith is sitting at his desk. Looking at graphically violent pictures of his time in World War 2, and pin ups of Jane Russell, Greta Garbo, and Rita Hayworth. Just then, a knock is heard at the door. He is dressed in a trench coat, slacks, and a fedora.
Stan: Come in, it's open.
It's was his secretary, Hayley.
Hayley (handing Stan papers): Here's your assignment, child killer!
Stan (takes the papers): Thank you! Disgruntled bitch! Just because I shot a Japanese kid in the war, you've been giving me grief about it ever since!
Hayley: He was an innocent child! So what if he came after you with a knife! Oh, and your girlfriend is here to see you!
Stan: Send her in!
Hayley leaves as she grunts in anger, and Francine walks in dressed in an evening gown.
Francine: Hello, handsome!
Stan: Francine! What brings you here, doll?
Francine: So, what fun adventure are we going to today?
Stan: I have to stop the evil Klausenstein!
Francine: What's his agenda?
Stan: He wants to reanimate dead bodies by filling their asses full of atomic waste hoping to create a new race of people!
Francine: Going with you!
Stan: As Bogart said in Casablanca, where I'm going, you can't be a part of!
Francine: Oh, come on! We women did you jobs when you were at the war!
Stan: Only because we showed you first! (laughs) Besides, you were a Rosie the Riveter!
Francine: Need to do something else besides lounge singing! I need adventure in my life!
Stan: Okay, fine! you stay beside me. Let's go! (Hands Francine a gun): You'll need this!
And with that, Francine and Stan both walked out to stop Dr. Klausenstein.
On a street corner, Steve is a paperboy selling newspapers.
Steve: Extra! Extra! Read all about it! Dr. Klausenstein plots world domination!
At Dr. Klausenstein's Haunted House, Rod-Gor returns with a body bag.
Rod-Gor: Look at this boss, a dead body!
Klausenstein: What are you waiting for? Show it to me!
Rod-Gor opened the body and inside was the body of Prinicipal Lewis!
Rod-Gor: Found this dead man in the cemetary!
Klausenstein: Excellent! He'll be perfect for our expirements!
Rod-Gor: It's a dead black guy in an unmarked grave!
Klausenstein: What are you waiting for? Strap him to the table and cut off his ass!
Rod-Gor does as he's told and Klausenstein turns on the machines and fills the dead body up with Atomic Waste.
Klausenstein: You know, Rod-Gor. If this plan succeeds, we will turn everyone, not just the dead into Atomic Monsters!
Rod-Gor: Love your plan, boss! You can be the king and I can be the prince!
Klausenstein: No, Rod-Gor! We want to stop royality. We'll also stop presidents, prime ministers, and anyone else who's in the position of power!
Rod-Gor: Golly Gee Whiz, boss! You and I will be the only two people left on the planet?
Klausenstein: Exactly! And from this day on, I shall be known as 'Klaus-En-Steen'!
Rod-Gor: If you and I are the only people left on the planet, how will we have sex? You know, procreate? Shouldn't we at least keep some prostitutes alive?
Klausenstein: We'll be like Leopold and Loeb! All right! We're killing celebrities, too! Now, help me reanimate this dead black guy!
Rod-Gor: Right B-, I mean, Dr. Klausenstein!
Klausenstein: IT'S KLAUS-EN-STEEN!
As Detective Smith is approaching the Haunted House, Dr. Klausenstein and Rod-Gor proceed with their plan.
Klausenstein: Okay, Rod-Gor! Use that wooden wheel to pull the gurney to the opening of the ceiling!
Rod-Gor (stirring the wheel): Yes, sir.
As the gurney was slowly rising to the top of the opening of the ceiling, they wait before a huge lightning bolt hits.
Klausenstein (sees a lightning bolt): Now, Rod-Gor! A lightning bolt has stuck the gurney! Hit the switch!
Rod-Gor: Hittin' the switch, sir!
Then Rod-Gor hit the switch and the gurney electrocuted the corpse.
Klausenstein (laughing evilly): Yes! Yes! I did it! Nobody can stop me now! Nobody!
Once the lightning bolt hit, the whole Haunted House glowed a bright yello. Then the thunderstorm slowed down and the gurney was driven back into the house.
Rod-Gor: Did we do it, boss? Did we do it?
Klausenstein: We're about to find out.
Rod-Gor and Klausenstein watched in awe as the corpse opened it's eyes and rose as the straps broke off the gurney.
Klausenstein: Jahvole! Jahvole! I can't believe it! It's alive! It's alive! (laughing hysterically) IT'S ALIVE!
Rod-Gor: Spendid work, sir! We'll name him Lewis!
They both heard a crashing sound and it was Detective Smith who broke down their door to the laboratory.
Stan: I got a better name for that monster? How about dead?
Klausenstein: NEIN! Detective Smith!
Stan: In the flesh, pal! I'm here to stop your plans for world domination!
Francine: That's right! You're both going up the river!
Rod-Gor: Not if we can help it! Get those honkies, Lewis!
Lewis: Kill! Honkies!
Stan and Francine both shot guns at him, but Lewis was unstoppable. Then Klausenstein gets something that looks like a gun. Smoke comes out of it.
Francine: I'm....a.....singer......I.....can.....lose...my.....voice (coughing)
Klausenstein: Good! They're both knocked out with my choloform gun.
Rod-Gor: What should we do with them, boss?
Klausenstein: You and Lewis pick them up and put them in that cage over that alligator pit.
Rod-Gor: Hey! That's my line! Black man stealing a white man's lines......
Lewis and Rod-Gor picked up the knocked out Stan and Fracine and put them in the cage hovering over an alligator pit from a rope.
Rod-Gor: We're Top Of The World, Ma! (laughs evilly)
Stan and Francine wake up from the choloform and they find themselves in a cage dangling over an alligator pit.
Francine (sees alligators): Oh, my gosh! Stan! Wake up!
Stan (wakes and sees the alligators): Dr. Klausenstein! You son of a bitch! Let us out, now!
Klausenstein: You interfered with my plans for that last time! And now you shall pay! Besides, it's 'Klaus-En-Steen'!
Francine: Stan! Do something!
Stan: I'll think of something, doll.
Klausenstein: You won't think of anything. By the time you think of a plan, the rope will break and into the alligator pit you go.
Lewis: ROAR! FUNNY!
Stan: You'll never get away with this.
Klausenstein: Ja, I will. I shall rage war on humanity!
Rod-Gor: That's right. We're even going to kill celebrities.
Klausenstein: Not now, Rod-Gor. Then when I wage war, my race of atomic supermen will take over the world!
Rod-Gor: Correct! Today Langley Falls, tommorow, the world!
Stan: We already had a war!
Francine: We don't need another one.
Klausenstein: There's always gong to be war for as long as the world exists!
Rod-Gor: Yes, and we even have Korea to look forward to! I can predict the future!
Stan: Yeah? And I predict the future for you, assholes! I'm breaking out of this cage and arresting you!
Francine: Hurry, Stan! We're getting lower and lower!
Stan reached in the pocket of his trenchcoat and got some Silly Putty and a lighter and put it on the bars and lit it.
Francine: What is that stuff?
Stan: Silly Putty! A gumshoe cannot be without it!
As the Silly Putty burned off the bars, Stan and Francine swung themselves in the cage. Klausenstein and Rod-Gor laugh at them.
Klausenstein: Look at the pathetic escape attempt!
Rod-Gor: They're like circus freaks, boss!
The Silly Putty caused the bars to break and cause Stan and Francine to jump out. Stan jumped on Lewis and he exploded.
Lewis: ROAR! (explodes)
Klausenstein: NEIN! My creation! RUINED!
Stan: That's right! Now you and this clown are both under arrest! You're both going to be somebody's bitch, Klausenstein!
Klausenstein: It's KLAUS-EN-STEEN!
Stan and Klausenstein get into a physical fight, until Stan punches him and Klausenstein falls into the alligator pit.
Klausenstein (falling into the pit): I'm going to get you for this, Detective Smith!
Once Klausenstein was in the pit, the alligators ate him whole, bones, skin, and all.
Francine: Ewwww! Creepy!
Stan and Francine then go after Rod-Gor.
Stan: Surrender, Rod-Gor! Give yourself up!
Stan and Francine get out their guns and shoot him but miss. Rod-Gor dodges the bullets by doing flips and handsprings.
Rod-Gor: You'll never take me alive coppers!
Stan and Francine continue to shoot and the bullets hit the walls until the said, "Goodbye Mr. Chips!" They both run out of bullets until Rod-Gor goes to a lever.
Francine: Don't you dare pull down that lever!
Rod-Gor: What an incredible twist of fatte! You guys give me grief about surrendering and now you guys have to surrender to me.
Stan: Let go of that lever! We are not giving into you!
Rod-Gor: Once I pull down this lever an electrical current will kill you both! And I will turn you and your girlfriend into Atomic Monsters!
Stan: Your plan will never succeed!
Rod-Gor: Yes it will. I'll accomplish something Klausenstein never could. Then I will rule the world! But I'll keep some actors and actresses alive for breeding purposes!
Stan: Fine, go ahead!
Francine: Okay, you win.
Stan: We have nothing to live for.....
Francine: No, we lead boring and meaningless lives!
Rod-Gor (pulling down the lever): So long, suckers!
Once Rod-Gor pulled the lever, a thunderbolt hit the machine and Rod-Gor received an electrical shock!
Francine (covers her eyes): I can't look at this!
Rod-Gor continues to scream in pain until the electrical shock is over. Rod-Gor's skeleton even showed. All the machines shut down and Rod-Gor falls to the floor, blackened and dead.
Francine: We should've arrested him.
Stan: Nah, that's all right. A 50,000 volt shock was good enough for him! Besides, it looks like he's (in a black guy's voice): Goin' back to the kitchen now!
And with that, Stan and Francine both laugh and wrap Rod-Gor with a blanket and leave the Haunted House. They burn it to the ground and watch it explode.
Scene 8 Conclusion:
Stan drives to a corn field on top of a hill along with Francine. They both get out of the car and carry's Rod-Gor's corpse in a blanket.
Stan: Ready, sugar?
They unwrap the blanket and watch Rod-Gor roll down the hill into the cornfield.
Stan (laughs): He'd be good for fertilizer!
Francine: The only thing he would be good for.
Just then, Steve the paper boy comes with a boke. He is wearing a suit and press hat and has a camera wrapped over his neck.
Steve: Hello, Detective Smith, sir! Look at today's headline!
The Newspaper reads "Dr. Klausenstein Dead".
Stan: Excellent! Everyone will know of my heroics.
Steve (hands another paper): And here's tommorows!
The Newspaper read, "Momma's Boy Gangster leads in Robbery and Murder".
Steve: Sounds like White Heat, huh? (laughs)
Stan: Thank you, paper boy! I think I found my next assignment!
Steve: Goodbye! Good luck! (rides away)
Stan: So, doll! Would you like to help me take down this gangster?
Francine: Would I?
Stan: You're my Ingrid Bergman!
Francine: You're my Humphrey Bogart!
Stan: Here's looking at you, kid!
Francine: Play it again, Stan!
Stan and Francine kissed in the sunset and went back into the car going to Stan's next assignment!
A trimphant orchestral song plays as the credits are shown:
Francine.............Lounge Singing Girlfriend
Prinicipal Lewis....The Atomic Monster