The morning after disaster.
Anyway.... it's half term! Anyone doing anything special, I is going skiing, and we've got five motherfucking meters of snow! Result!
Right, on with the chapter!
I woke up on Sunday morning with a pounding headache. It felt like all of my blood had rushed up there whilst I was sleeping, and my forehead was throbbing with a sharp, stabbing pain. I groaned and kneaded my head with the heel of my palm, trying to relieve the ache a bit. Clearly I had had way too much to drink last night. My mouth was also dry and stale, and my body ached slightly. I wondered what I had done last night; my memory blurred out at some point in the club, and I could barely remember getting home. But I knew that I was a horney drunk, so chances are, me and Gerard had done something. Blindly, I reached out over the sheets, trying to find my boyfriend's body next to me. The bed was empty though, and I felt a sinking feeling of disappointment. Oh well; he was probably just getting coffee.
I climbed out of bed, groaning when the movement sent pain shooting through my head again. I swayed on the spot for a few seconds, also feeling sick now. Without turning the light on, I hunted around for some clothes and pulled them on. Then I walked to the door, and opened it tentatively. The light leaked through, hitting my retinas and intensifying my headache. Shit. Whatever possessed me to drink so much last night. I blinked a few times, letting my eyes adjust. Then I went downstairs and into the kitchen.
John was in there, sipping at a cup of what I guessed to be coffee from the smell. He smiled at me when I walked in.
"Morning," I said, making my way to the sink and pouring myself a glass of water, and downed it. The coolness felt wonderful against my dry mouth and throat.
"Someone's thirsty." John remarked grinning at me. "Have a good time last night?"
"Yeah," I nodded and smiled. "Have you seen Gerard?"
"No." The man frowned. "I thought he'd still be upstairs with you."
"Oh," I frowned. Maybe he'd ended up in his own bed or something, and was still sleeping. Yeah, that was probably it - I couldn't see where else he'd be. "What time is it anyway?" I asked.
"'Bout half two. You slept in really late!" John grinned. "By the way, there's eggs and bacon if you want some, and a few slices of toast still out. It'll probably help your hangover."
"Thanks dude." I made myself a cup of coffee and an egg sandwich. I did feel a bit better afterwards - more alive, and less like I was about to puke my guts up. I talked quietly (my head still felt like it was about to split in two) to John as I ate, just chatting about shit. He was actually a really nice guy, but then, I suppose he'd have to be to let two teenage boys live with him. Or a peadophile. One of the two.
When I was done eating, I downed the remainer of the coffee and dumped the plate and mug in the sink. With a "See ya!" to John, I went upstairs, determined to find Gerard. At the top of the landing, I checked his room. It was empty. Frowning, I went in, looking under the sheets. Still no sign of my boyfriend.
I went back out, and looked in the bathroom, which was also annoyingly Gerard-free. My room was empty as it had been when I woke up. My jeans from last night were on the floor, along with the rest of the clothes I'd been wearing. I went over to the pile and pulled my cell out from my jean pocket. Quickly I dialled Gerard's number and pressed the device to my ear. After a few seconds, it began ringing. Unfortunately, I could hear both ends of the call - my boyfriend's phone was in his jacket pocket from last night. I hunged up, feeling more than slightly disappointed.
Infact, I felt all round shit. My head was still banging, and I could feel bodily fluids stuck to my skin all over me. I also stunk of sweat. I'm surprised that John hadn't commented on that. Deciding that I could resume the Gerard-hunt after I'd showered, I grabbed some clean clothes and went back into the bathroom.
Locking the door, I cast my mind back to last night. I could remember the club well enough, and just about getting home. I could vaguely remember doing something with Gerard, but nothing that would cause him to disappear like that. After stripping, I climbed into the shower and was about to turn it on when I glanced down. To my horror, my lower body, my dick especially was covered in a disgusting brown substance. It was only a thin layer and something instinctively told me what it was. Blood.
Shit. What the fuck happened last night? There was also dried cum all over me, and the whole thing just looked like one big mess. I turned on the shower in disgust, wracking my brains to try and figure out what had happened to result in this. Slowly, memories began to trickle back to me. Going to sleep. Dreaming. The terror of thinking my attackers were back. How sweet revenge had felt, as I... Oh shit! Fuck, bugger, shit. No! No, I did not do that! I couldn't have! Unfortunately, everything pointed to that one single, terrible act that I had done last night - I had raped Gerard.
With a howl of despair I sunk to my knees and sat on the bottom of the shower. No I thought desperately. No, I wouldn't have done that. Unfortunatly, I was pretty sure that it was true. I let out a sob. Oh God, I was such a little screw-up. Why did I do that? Oh fuck, what would Gerard think of me now? I hadn't meant to do it, I swear, but the fact was that I had. I was so fucked up.
I got out the shower, wracking my brains for what to do. I had to find him, to get down on my knees and apologise, to make Gerard forgive me, or at the very least, try and ease the pain that I know I must have caused him. I let out a shakey sob as I got dressed trying to think of some way, anyway to fix this.
In the end, I settled on getting a second opinion. Actually, it would probably be a first, because I couldn't think of anything. Grabbing my phone from where I'd left it on the bed, I scrolled through my contacts until I found Phin. She picked up after ten rings.
"Hi Phin. Look, I really need your help." I got straight to it, not bothering with small talk.
"Why? What's up?" She replied, sounding slightly worried.
"I messed things up so badly with Gerard last night."
The was a short pause. "How so?"
"I..." I hesitated here, not sure whether to tell her about the rape or not. Since she found me all those years back, Phin had been violently opposed to the whole thing; refusing to watch The Entity when we were all insisting to, and yelling at anyone who made jokes about rape. So I wasn't sure how she'd react if I told her exactly what I'd done. Fortunately, she broke the silence before it became obvious I w\s hiding something.
"Look, why don't you come round here and we can talk properly? I've actually got shit loads to do before my parents get back."
"Ok, sure. I'll see you in ten?"
"What are you doing though?" I asked, just out of curiousity.
"When we came back here last night, Andy threw up like everywhere. The place is an abosulte tip, and we both had totally fucked up dreams, God only knows how, but one of us smashed a window."
"You too huh?" I muttered, referring to the dreams.
"What do you mean?" Phin asked.
"I'll explain when I come over. See you in a bit."
I hung up, thinking about what the girl had just said. So she and Andy had had messed up dreams too? Who knows, perhaps it would turn out that the rape was only a dream, well nightmare, too. Actually that would never happen - I'm not that lucky.
I grabbed a jacket and my car keys, ran downstairs, yelling "Bye" to John and got in the car. I drove to Phin's flat out, and arrived in less than ten minutes. I walked in through the back door, slightly surprised when there was no music playing. Guess the girl had a hangover too. Instead of shouting like I normally would do, I walked round trying to find her. Phin was in the kitchen, piling mugs and plates and cutlery and other shit into a dishwasher. I'm amazed really that the house stayed as clean as it did - if I lived on my own the place would be a pig-sty.
"Hey." I said softly, and the girl screamed, whirling round. I burst out laughing at her complete over reaction, ignoring the pain that sparked through my head at the sound.
"Shit! Frank!" She said, still looking slightly shocked. "Don't creep up on me like that!"
"Sorry," I grinned at her.
Phin rolled her eyes and turned back to the pile of dirty washing. "If you wanna stick around, you have to help me." She glared at me over her shoulder. "What's up anyway?"
The smile slid off my face as I remembered why I'd come round here in the first place. I was still hesitant about whether to tell the girl the whole story or not, but then, she'd been my best friend for the last three or four years. I was just terrified of what she'd say.
"You know what you said about having weird dreams last night?" I said at last.
"Yeah, me and Andy both had them. They were just fucked up, and some were really scary actually. I think one of us must have thrown something at a window 'cos it was broken this morning." Phin shrugged. "I'm guessing you dreamt too?"
"Yeah." I sighed.
"About the attack?"
"Uhuh. It was the most vivid I've had in a while, and it was horrible." I hesitated here, trying not to think too hard. It was funny really, just over twenty minutes ago, I couldn't remember what happened last night for the life of me. Now those same images were crowding me, taunting me with my sins. Why couldn't I have just controlled myself? Why was I so fucked up? And, why the hell, did I have to ruin everything for Gerard. "When I woke up, I didn't entirely realise. I thought that Gerard was attacking me and well..." I sighed, still unsure whether to tell Phin or not. "I beat him up."
"Oh, Frank." My friend sighed and put her arm around my shoulder.
"When I woke up this morning he was gone, didn't have his cell or anything." I turned away and hung my head, trying to stop tears escaping.
Phin didn't say anything, just pulled me into a hug. "Look," she whispered, arms wrapped tightly around my shoulders. "Just talk to him. We all did fucked up things last night, there was some shit in the speed that Bob gave us."
"It's not that simple." I sighed.
"Yes - it is. It's only got to be complicated if you make it. Go back to John's - Gerard's gotta turn up there sooner or later, and if he really loves you, he'll forgive you." Phin squeezed me gently, then sighed. "And I swear I just impersonated some character out of a B-rated romance. That was fucking corny."
I snorted. "Just ruin the moment there why don't you?" I grinned, despite everything. One of the advantages of having friends that belonged in a mental insistution was their knack for cheering you up by talking complete and utter crap. Then I remembered the mess that I'd made, and the smile slid right off my face.
"Can you talk to him?" I mumured.
"What?" Phin frowned. "Gerard?"
"Yeah, please, please can you?" I pleaded. The girl had always been much more persuasive than me. My boyfriend had made it clear enough that he wouldn't talk to me right now, but maybe Phin could convince him to, and I could apologise, and it's all turn out ok. Right now, I didn't think that Gerard would even consider forgiving me, but perhaps if he talked to Phin first, she could tell him how sorry I was, before giving me the chance to say sorry in person. Ok, in reality, it probably wouldn't work like that, but I could only try.
"I don't really think that'd do much good, man." The girl drew back away from me, frowning slightly, thinking.
"Please - he won't talk to me at the moment, but maybe if you persaude him to, I could apologise in person. Please, please, please.] Phin."
"I really think that you should talk to him, not me."
"I will!" I insisted. "I promise, I just need you to convince him to first,"
It took a bit more begging to get Phin to help me, but she caved eventually, making me promise that I'd talk to him after, and clean the house a bit more whilst she was gone. As I was planning on doing the first anyway and I didn't mind doing a [/bit of tidying, I agreed happily. I really did think that things would work out best this way, and I felt slightly happier (though no less sick) as I watched Phin's car pull out of her over-large driveway.
I lay on my bed, headphones clamped over my ears and blotting out the rest of the world. I wasn't even sure what I was listening to, which was strange considering how lost in the music I was. I didn't want to think, didn't even want to acknowledge that a world existed out of the little one I'd created in my head.
I must have walked halfway around the city that day. There was something very calming about just feeling my body work the way it was supposed to, despite being battered and bruised. My mind was even worse off, but watching the world wake up was surprisingly therapeutic. The sunrise had been beautiful, and for the first time since I got here, the weather was actually cold. I warmed up soon enough though, walking around like I was. I ended up wandering down to the beach, and kicked off my shoes to feel the cool, dry particles of sand press against my feet. As it was so early on a Sunday morning, the coast was deserted, and I was free to watch the surf, and sun rise up over the city without being disturbed. I was exhausted, but kept my body working so my mind didn't have to. It was less painful that way.
When I came back, Frank's car was gone and John had been in the lounge, watching TV. When I came in, he'd yelled, asking if it was me. When I replied that yes - I was home, he'd asked if I was ok. I replied 'fine' and walked away before he had a chance to question me further. I'd gone straight to the cabinet where I knew my uncle stored his booze.
After grabbing the strongest liquor I could find, I took it upstairs and collapsed on my bed. I've been lying here for the past few hours, taking the occasional swig of the drink.
I didn't hear the sound of the door opening, but a chink of light illuminating my otherwise black room told me it was open. I didn't bother to look up. I was too tired to do so, and nervous that I'd see Frank if I did so. When the person didn't say anything though just walked over and sat down on the bed next to me, I glanced at them out of curiousity. It was Phin.
I sighed - of course Frank went to that whore; he'd screwed me, and gone crawling straight back to her. I looked away as the girl just stared at me, as though trying to read my mind. It was slightly unnerving all the same.
"What do you want?" I asked finally.
Phin chewed on her lip, looking as though she was considering something. "Look, can you please just talk to Frank?" She said at last, in a soft, pleading voice. I closed my eyes and shook my head. Looks like he'd gone back to his whore, told her what happened and then got her to do his dirty work.
Dispite my flippant thoughts, tears welled up behind my eyelids. I didn't need to cry anymore - I'd done enough of that this morning. I'd certainly cried enough over Frank, but somehow it hurt me even more that he couldn't be bothered to apologise to my face, instead getting Phin to come and talk to me.
"Please, Gerard?" The girl continued, still in that soft voice. "He is so cut up about what happened, he didn't mean any of it. It was that speed Bob gave us I reckon - we were all pretty fucked up last night. I know it's not a very good excuse, but Frank beating you up, was just the drugs controlling him, not... him."
"Is that what he told you happened?" I snorted, still not opening my eyes.
The was a short pause. "Yes... Is there more too it?"
"He doesn't love me." I said, calmly. I was struggling to keep control, but wasn't going to let Phin have the impression that Frank was a little angel. "Drugs or no drugs, you don't do that to someone you love."
"What?" Phin breathed. "Gerard, what did he do?"
I opened my eyes and stared at the girl evenly, taking deep breathes to keep my tears under control. Bright green eys stared back at me, full of worry and concern and... nerves. I took one more deep breathe, then, without breaking eye contact said; "He fucking raped me Phin." Then I broke down. Tears flooded my eyes and streamed down my face, and I ducked my head to hide them.
"What?" Phin breathed again, this time disbelievingly. "No, Frank... he couldn't... he wouldn't do that."
"He did. He was dreaming, and I woke he up and he pinned me down and..." I trailed off as the flood of tears came faster, choking me and preventing me from talking.
"You're lying!" The girl shouted, jumping off the bed and beginning to pace the room. "He wouldn't do that! Not to anyone! He wouldn't."
"He did." I murmured, still sobbing violently.
Phin stopped in her pacing. "Gerard, please, for the love of God, tell me you're lying."
"I'm not." I snuffled.
She closed her eyes, and sat down on the bed next to me. Tears had clouded my vision completely, but I guess the girl was trying to stop herself crying.
"I'm so sorry, Gee." She said, after a few minutes of silence. Then she wrapped her arms around my waist, and allowed me to cry my heart out on to her shoulder. I guessed she was in shock, although she clearly believed me, this was so out of character for Frank, anyone would have a hard time accepting it.
We sat there for a good half hour, me crying desperately, and Phin with her arms wrapped round me, providing a little comfort. When my tears finally ran out, she leaned back looked at me, hard. Wordlessly, she reached over and handed me a tissue, I mopped up my eyes and nose, not wanting to think about what a mess I must look.
"Come on," The girl murmured when I was done mopping myself up.
"What?" I asked as she stood up. "Why?"
"I want to talk to Frank."
"No! I don't want to go anywhere near him!" I spat, recoiling.
"I guessed that." Phin replied, with a 'duh' tone to her voice. "But after I talk to him, he's probably gonna come straight back here."
"Oh," I said stupidly.
"You don't have to go near him, but if you wanna avoid him, sticking 'round here won't help."
I got up, and followed her out the door. Her car was parked in John's drive, and we got in. The girl glanced at me sympathetically, but despite the comfort she had given me in the last half hour, I still resented her. I hated the way Frank ran to her the moment things began to get tough, whether they were best friends or not.
The short journey to Phin's house was silent and when she pulled in, I stayed in the car. Frank's was next to it. The dark hairded girl walked inside, and I just sat there, fighting back tears again.
"Please, please tell me he was lying."
I spun round to see Phin standing in the doorway, looking absolutely furious. As she'd asked me to, I'd been tidying up the kitchen for the forty minutes she'd been gone, and it was actually looking cleaner, despite my laziness. Now, I was frozen with fear, not wanting to tell the truth, and knowing I couldn't lie. I knew what Phin was on about, stupidly enough, I'd never imagined that Gerard would tell her what actually happened. Clearly I was wrong.
"What do you mean?" I decided to try and bluff my way out anyway.
"You raped him." Yeah, because that would work with anyone as direct as Phin.
I bowed my head in shame, and nodded. Sadness and despair washed through me. I was such a fuck-up I didn't deserve to have Gerard as a boyfriend, or Phin as a mate. I was just a stupid little screw-up and the world would be a better place if I curled up and died.
Apparently agreeing with my train of thoughts, the girl's next words were laced with disgust. "How could you do that?"
"I don't know. It's like you said; the drugs. You have no idea how much I regret it." I whispered to the floor, choking back tears of despair.
"I'm really sorry, Frank." I looked up at her soft words, but immediately regretted it. Abhorence and loathing were etched across Phin's face, something I'd never seen directed at me. "Please, just get out of my house."
"Please, Phin - you said it yourself; that speed fucked with our heads!" I pleaded.
"And!? You raped him Frank! If it wasn't for the fact that you were my best friend I'd be ripping your eyes out right now!" She yelled back.
I blinked back tears, knowing full well that she was right. High, drunk, or stone cold sober, it didn't change what I'd done. And after Phin seeing what a similar act had done to me, I couldn't blame her for being angry. Inside, I was screaming and shout though. It wasn't my fault! It was Bob's for getting those fucking pills! I couldn't help it that I had dreams that sent me out of control! I wish so much that I could take back what happened... and wished so much, that someone would just comfort me, tell me it wasn't my fault. But that wasn't how life worked; I'd done something awful and now karma was biting my arse.
Without another word, I walked out of the house. My car was still in the driveway, keys in the ignition. I got in, and drove for as far as I could with tears blurring my vision. When it got too much to handle, I just collapsed forward against the steering wheel and sobbed my heart out. If it was still there after being torn at so many times.
Did you like? Phin's being a right bitch in this, but can see where she's coming from. And now I really don't know who I feel more sorry for. What happened to Gerard is worse, but atleast he's not being completely alienated by his friends...
Right, I may not be updating this for a good week now, 'cos I don't know whether where I'm going has Wi-Fi or not, or if I'll even have enough time to do any writing! I'll try to, but no promises!
In other news, I've been listening to Dookie on repeat for the last few hours - that is my new third favourite album! Revenge and This Is War being my two all time favourites of course. Sorry, just felt the need to share that with you.
On an even more positive note, I just got the results back from a French, and I got an A!! Ye-ah biatches! Hahaha, but then, someone sent me a story they'd written in French and I understood half of it. Less even... Meh! And also, I'm finding that whenever I type 'Fr', my hands automatically type 'ank' after it. Which is a problem when you're tryna type Frank... see? I did it again! You get the idea... It's really annoying actually.
Anyway; there's nothing left for you to say, soon you'll be dead ayway! Three guesses what song I'm listening to!
Annnnd that is me - Monstrice signing out!
Tell me what you think of the chapter.