What ever happened to us? Do you remember? RYDON
I don't. I only remember the good times we had together, the love we shared. Sometimes I like to remind myself, but all it brings is pain. Does that make me a masochist?
Do you remember the time we went to Books-a-Million? We read all the children's books to each other. We spent the entire day there, laughing. The store manager eventually kicked us out for making too much noise. Do you remember that day? I do, I remember it with perfect detail. I remember the way your hair looked, the way it fell in your eyes when you laughed. I miss your laugh. It's part of why I loved you. I guess I still love you. I loved the way it sounded. I loved the way you threw your head back when something was really funny. I always wanted to make you laugh like that, which is why I tried so hard.
I hate myself so much sometimes, for not working harder to keep you. You were my everything, still are. I'm just not yours. At one point you loved me, together forever, right? That's what you told me. I believed you and I think you believed yourself. What changed? I know it couldn't have been you. You were always so perfect, everything I wanted. I remember when you said we needed a break. I told you that I agreed, but I didn't. It's what you wanted to hear, what you needed to hear. So I told you. I told myself that I could do this, for you. It was what you wanted. We said we'd still be friends, but that was a lie too. We both knew it.
I still remember the day you told me you loved me. Do you? We were at the park, it was a sunny day outside and we had brought a kite with us, intending to fly it. That never happened though. Instead we laid on the grass watching the clouds float by. You were cuddled in my arms, your head on my chest directly over my heart. It's where you liked to lay, you always said you liked to listen to my hear beat. That was when you said it. Those three words that changed everything. At first I didn't think I heard you right, but I did. I told you I felt the same. I told you over and over, loving the way it felt on my tongue. You laughed at my stupidity but I didn't care. You were all that I needed, and I had you.
I often think of what we were and why we changed. I always ask myself the same thing, "Why did it end this way?" And the answer is so simple: we were terrified. Or at least I was. Terrified of what would happen to us. You were my everything, my best friend, I didn't want to lose that. I did anyway. I was so scared and I let that affect what we had. I took you for granted. When you left, I wasn't sure how I would go on, but I did.
Do you remember our first kiss? That's probably my favorite memory. We went ice skating, I was terrible. I kept pulling us both down but it was all right, you told me you didn't mind. That's another thing I loved about you. You were always there to pick me up when I was down, and you never complained. I had taken a particularly nasty fall and was about to give up but you took me by the hand and slowly guided me on the ice. I was shouting at you to stop and just let me go but you wouldn't, you were determined. I could feel my skates slipping around underneath me but you didn't notice. You held onto my hands gently, pulling me in slow circles. You pulled me closer and kissed me. It was such a surprise, I didn't know how to react. The initial shock left me and I kissed back.
A month after you left me it still hadn't sunk in what happened. I use the term "left me" because I remember how you hated "breaking up." You told me once how people always "broke up" with you. Why can't we just call it leaving? That's what it really is, the person leaves you and doesn't come back. That's what really happens. And that's what happened with us. After a month it still didn't hit me; you were gone. I didn't want to believe it. I didn't want you to be gone from my life. I didn't want you to leave me. But you did.
I've been saying that I loved you, past tense, as if I didn't love you anymore. We both know that isn't true. I could never stop loving you. You and I, we were perfect. Or at least I thought so. Do you remember when you decided we'd have a picnic in December? We sat out in the park underneath a tree. The snow was everywhere and we were both freezing. I could hear my teeth chattering but I stayed, for you. You brought almost everything we needed, you forgot the plates so I ran to the nearest grocery store to buy some. When I came back you were freezing, your lips nearly blue so I gave you my jacket. I didn't mind that I was already frozen. As long as you were warm, I was happy. We finished our picnic and promised never to do that again. Do you remember?
I could spend all night reminiscing over you. I could spend days recalling what we had, every detail, but all that brings me is hurt. It's been years since we last spoke, it's hard to fathom. I never thought we'd reach this point. I always hoped that after a little time, you'd come back. You never did. I guess I was wrong to think that after all the love I gave you, you could ever forgive me. I'm sorry. I wish I could hate you, sometimes I think I do, but I don't. I can't; I could never hate you. I love you too much for that.
I've finally admitted it.
I loved you.
I still love you.
I will always love you.
Thanks for reading! I hope you like it! I was thinking about maybe doing a sequel to it but I'm not sure. Maybe if I have some free time. Please review!