Christine has a fear of waking up. Maybe now she will actually wish it were a dream...
“What's wrong?” he asked.
“Am I that transparent?” I could feel my nerves in my throat.
“Only because I know how to read you.” His fingers combed through my hair as he spoke.
“I'm okay.” I sighed, trying to be honest. It was so difficult, because even I didn't believe me.
“Now you're lying. Why are you so hesitant to tell me what's on your mind?”
“I don't know. I guess it's my defense mechanism.” My eyes avoided him at all costs.
“It's not an arms race, Christine. Just you and me. Tell me what you're feeling.”
“Why? I haven't done anything of the like since last night. I said I was sorry. I meant it.” He sounded a little hurt. That's not what I wanted.
“No, I know. It's nothing you did, I swear.”
“I'm afraid you're going to slip away, like this isn't real.”
“I'm here. Why would I leave? This is as real as I've ever been. As real as I've ever felt! Was I not real with you all of last night?!” He jumped out of bed. I'd upset him. I could hear him fighting tears in his voice. He was rushing to put on clothes. No. No. No!
“Gerard! Please. I just meant this is all so new to me. I've never felt something like this.”
“Well I hope you enjoyed it. I won't make the mistake again.”
Just like that, he was out the door. This was my worst nightmare, realized. I knew what I had to do. I had to fix this. How could have I been so careless? I had neglected the fact that he was NOT like other men. Other men had left me, cheated on me, created shambles of what I thought was happiness. He was not them. Damn my mouth. My stupid mouth. I hurried to my clothes and out the door. I could see him already far down the hall.
“Gerard?” he began to walk for the elevator. I ran. I managed my way there in time. He tried closing the door on me but I pried it open.
His eyes averted mine as the elevator doors shut on us. He leaned up against the back wall, looking anywhere but my face. The walls were mirrors, reflecting the situation too much for my liking. I shook my head and began to speak.
“You don't have to talk back. Just listen. Please?”
His face was so concrete and stern. Gerard's eyes met my face.
“Speak.” he demanded.
“I don't know what to say. Other than I'm sorry I'm so stupid.”
“Not good enough.” He said in a cold monotone.
“I'm not done yet. Earlier I just meant-- I just meant that I've never felt like this. So strongly about someone else. I know I don't know all of you, but I'd like to. I'd thank you every single day if you would only let me try to. It's scary to me, because it's so intense. It's humbling, Gerard.” My voice broke and I couldn't fight my tears.
“Humbling?” he laughed and it stung so badly. I choked back sobs and Gerard didn't seem phased in the slightest.
“Yes, Gerard. Humbling. I have never once in my life worried about someone so much, cared for so much. I couldn't care less what happens to me as long as you were happy. I put you before me. I'm no longer apart of my own equation. There's just you--” I fell to my knees in front of him hugging his own; clinging for dear life.
“I know now it's always been you. You're the single person I'm meant for. Please! Please forgive me.”
He remained silent. I could see myself in all four walls, hopelessly holding on to him crying. I was so ashamed. I wished he would say something. Anything.
“Shh.” I felt his hand atop my head. I felt like I was a child confessing to the priest, guilt ridden and begging for mercy and absolution. He grabbed my arms, signaling me to get up. I rose to my feet, still afraid to look upon him. Tears quietly streamed on my face now and my chest hurt. I could have suffocated on the tension.
“Words are like knives. I, of all people know that. You can't just throw them carelessly.”
“I know, I--” he stopped me.
“I'm not done yet. I need you to tell me. Right now. Do you want out of this? Out of me and you? You can walk away you know. I can be-- I can be so impossible. Ask anyone I know. If your answer is no, then I need you to promise me. Even when I'm heartless, you'll stay. When I say and do things I don't mean, you won't lose faith in me. I'm my own worst enemy. The fight is endless, and it's inevitable you WILL get caught in the crossfire. If you want nothing more with me. You need to leave. Leave while you still can. Before I start to believe too much.” His voice was entirely serious.
“Gerard, I--” he stopped me again.
“Promise me.” he begged, looking me straight in the eye.
“Thank god.” he wrapped me in his arms tightly. Tears shook me again. I heard the elevator door open but I didn't care. I suddenly heard Frankie's voice.
“Oh hey! Gerard, Christine--” He stopped hearing me cry. “Whoa, whoa, whoa. What's wrong?” He stood in the middle of the door so it wouldn't close.
“Get out of here, Iero.”
“Not until you tell me what's wrong with her.”
“I said get out.”
I buried my face in Gerard's shoulder, tears subsiding but not gone yet. I heard running feet and Ray's voice.
“Hey Frankie. Oh hey guys. Wait. What's wrong?”
“I have no clue. He won't tell me.”
“Why is she crying?”
“Ray, Frank. Seriously. Get the fuck out.”
“Frankie, go get Alicia.”
“Right.” he left and now it was just the three of us.
“Gerard. What's going on?”
“Don't worry about it. It's bad enough. Just GO!”
“No, I'm not leaving. What did you do to her?!”
I ripped myself from my safety.
“he didn't do anything!!”
“Chrissy, you don't have to protect him.”
“I'm not protecting anyone!”
“Gerard, I swear to fucking god if you do to her what you did to Ellie. I will personally slit your throat.”
“SHUT UP! SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP!” he screamed, gaining on Ray whilst stepping out of the elevator I followed and it shut behind me. We were all in the hallway now. I was so confused
“What? You don't want her to know?”
“Christine. Go.” He looked to me.
“No, what's going on? Who's Ellie?!”
“Christine. Are you okay?” It was Alicia with Frankie right behind her.
“Christine. Please. Just go.”
Alicia sensed the urgency in his voice and the situation. She grabbed my arm and pulled on me.
“C'mon, let's go.”
“I don't want to. I want to know whats going on. Gerard?”
“Tell her! TELL HER!” Ray roared. I had never seen him this upset. It was scary.
“No. Alicia get her out of here.”
“No. I'm staying!”
“Frankie, grab her.”
The both of them had me on each side and forced me down the hall. I fought them but Alicia convinced me to give in.
“Don't fight this. He'll tell you when he's ready, I'm sure. It'll be okay.”
Frankie looked so worried. I could tell he wanted to comfort me somehow, but didn't know what to say. I didn't know where we were going, I just walked. Staring at the floor, I recalled the conversation Ray and I had just the other day. He said Gerard got on edge when a new girl was on tour with them, that it had been that way since Ray had broken up with his last girlfriend. Ray acted like no one knew why. He lied to me. It was clear that I was the only one who didn't know. He had said Gerard was sensitive about it, so none of the guys asked. I knew now he said it so I wouldn't. Everyone, including my best friend, had kept this from me. Who was Ellie, and what had Gerard done to her? If he had done anything at all. Why was I not allowed to know? Was Ellie the last alleged girlfriend of Ray? Would Gerard even tell me anything? I wanted answers. My heart was being pulled in a million directions. This was the game of tug of war I knew I wouldn't win.
AN: Sooo? Was it worth the wait? Did you love it? Hate it? Tell me! I LOVE your comments and reviews! Sorry it took so long to get this chapter out guys, it was really hard to figure out where to go with the story after Chrissy and Gee did the Dance With No Pants XD Please Rate and Review!!