Room trouble and desperate voicemails.
I've been reinspired to work on it though, so hopefully there will never be such a huge delay between updates again.
Now go read and let me know what you think.
The walk to the hotel by the airport was pleasant. Conversation flowed between Gerard and I like a stream filled with pristine water meeting a river bed. It was easy, simple, natural. There's something about Gerard that just feels 'right'. It feels like I've been walking the earth for the past almost 18 years looking for a missing, crucial puzzle piece and I have only just found the exact one that fits me perfectly.
By the time we reach our destination, the streets of London are quiet and still. There is the occasional taxi cab that rushes by and splashes our feet with the puddles flooding the gravel road, but most of this part of the city is asleep. The weather outside is fairly chilly, so it's a nice change in temperature when electric doors open up and lead us into the warm, cozy air of the hotel lobby.
I offer to take Gerard's bag off his hands while he goes up to the counter to get us a room. I can't help but stare at the sway of his hips as he walks up to speak to the grey haired man on duty, looking more than slightly drowsy. I still can't believe Gerard offered to share a room. Not that it's a strange offer, he's just being economical. I'm reading way too much into this.
Shortly after, Gerard returns, a silver key with a tag on it reading 'Room 247' in hand. He takes his bag and slides the strap over his shoulder before walking towards the elevator. I quickly follow and try clearing my head before I make a complete idiot out of myself. Again.
Once in the elevator, Gerard pushes the button for the second floor and the doors close behind us immediately. The elevator is pretty small, so I find myself shifting a bit to the left so I'm not completely on top of Gerard. As I step to the side, our hands brush and that tingling feeling shoots up my arm again, the same one I felt while on the plane.
I almost snort out loud at how ridiculous I'm being. Mushy shit like that only happens in sappy romantic comedies. It's not like every time I touch Gerard I'm going to feel sparks. I may be a bit attracted to the guy, but it's definitely not love at first sight. Okay, maybe I'm insanely attracted to him, but still.
I look up to find Gerard starring at me from the corner of his eye. He quickly looks away and stares intently at the silver doors in front of us like it holds the meaning of life within it's shiny surface. A small bell sounds and Gerard makes his way through the now open path before I can think too much of it.
He leads the way down a narrow hallway carpeted in a floral pattern towards what I'm guessing will be our room for the night. He stops in front of a glossy white door that has a room number matching the one on the keys and unlocks it.
The room isn't much. The carpeting matches the one on the hallway, the walls are painted a deep baize with the occasional painting hanging on the wall, there's a mid sized bathroom to the right of the door, a dresser further ahead with a television resting on top, and a queen sized bed in the center of the room. Wait, what?
"Um, I, uh, think they made a mistake."
I hear Gerard mutter from the corner of his mouth. That seems to be a regular thing for him, which just adds on to his growing list of adorable traits. He blushes deeply and adverts his gaze to his shoes, so I'm guessing he's referring to the bed.
"I asked for a room with two beds, but that guy obviously wasn't paying attention. Idiot."
"It's okay, just use that phone on the nightstand and call down to the lobby to see if we can get another room."
Gerard nods and heads in the direction of the phone. I decide to go use the restroom now that I have the chance. A few minutes of what sounds to be an argument in the next room later, I reappear in the door way and find Gerard slamming the corded phone back onto it's receiver. He lets out an annoyed sigh and runs his hand through his mass of wavy raven hair. I clear my throat to make my presence known and he turns around, a weary smile on his lips.
"We have a problem."
I raise an eyebrow at his comment, willing him to continue.
"Turns out this is the last room they had. It's late but we can still go looking for some place else to stay. I saw another hotel a couple miles down the road and-"
I cut Gerard off mid sentence, although I wouldn't mind listening to more of his adorable nervous rant.
"Hey, don't worry about it. It's not gonna kill us to share a bed for one night, right?"
Maybe not, but it's sure as hell going to make it difficult for me to get any sleep when there's a gorgeous, black haired sex god laying down beside me. Sex god? Shut up, Frank. You're sounding like such a typical teenager with raging hormones.
Gerard scratches the top of his head for a minute and sighs, a sign of resignation in his body language.
"Yeah, I guess you're right."
There's an awkward silence in which Gerard and I look around the room, trying to avoid each other's glances. When Gerard finally speaks up, the tension that had built up in my shoulders melts away and I relax again in relief.
"Right, so, I'm gonna go shower before I call it a night."
I mentally slap myself for even beginning to form the mental image of how Gerard looks in the shower, completely stripped of all clothing, droplets of water cascading down his dark hair and on to his pale chest, soap lathered in all the right places.
"Okay, I'm just going to watch some TV or something."
Frank's sentence is punctuated with the cutest yawn I've ever seen from a 17 year old. His mouth stretches wide and his nose scrunches up, resembling an innocent little hamster. I laugh a bit, as it's obvious Frank will be asleep in the matter of minutes. He responds to my amusement by narrowing his eyes at me.
"What's so funny?"
I pass by the side of the bed he's sitting on a grab my bag while I pat the top of his head like a child.
Frank just huffs exaggeratedly and I can't help but laugh again. Maybe sharing a bed won't be so bad after all. Frank's behavior makes me want to just cuddle up with the hyper active teenager and fall asleep in his endless mass of black dyed tuffs. As great as that sounds, I can't let that happen. Even if he is miraculously attracted to me, it wouldn't be fair to lead him on when I'm not planning on sticking around for much longer.
This decision I've made is my own burden to carry, I don't want to bring anyone else into it. Although I know how much my baby brother and my friends, if I can even call them that anymore after the way I've acted lately, would suffer if they heard of what I've done. But I'm hoping they never will. I'm not planning on jumping off any buildings, that draws too much attention. I plan on staying away from messy situations and just doing something discrete. I'm in a completely different country so even if my body is found at some point, it'll take them a while to figure out who I am. Maybe they won't even find the right people to contact and Mikey will never know what his poor excuse for a big brother did. He'll always remember me as the coward that ran away from his problems, which doesn't seem like such a better alternative.
"Gerard? Are you okay?"
While getting lost in my pathetic thoughts, I hadn't noticed that I had sat down beside Frank and spaced out. He must think I'm such a freak.
I grab the bag that I left resting between my legs and head towards the bathroom. Once inside, I turn on the blinding white light and lock the door behind me. I don't plan on showering right now, I just used that as an excuse to get away from Frank for a while. I turn on the shower and close the curtain so he won't get suspicious.
I rummage through my messy bag until I find what I'm looking for and feel a familiar cold, plastic tube grasped tightly in my shaking palm. I take out a few without really thinking about it and knock them back dry. I set the container on the table top next to the sink when I feel my phone vibrate in my back pocket.
3 New Voicemails From: Mikey
I set my mouth into a deep frown and weigh the pros and cons of listening to these messages in my mind. Although the cons are definitely out weighing the pros, my curiosity gets the better of me and I listen to them anyway.
First unheard message:
Um, Gerard, call me back I guess. I just got home with Ray and Bob and you're not here.
There's a short pause in which I think the message is over, but then I hear Mikey's voice drop an octave as he brings the receiver closer to his mouth, probably trying to keep what he's about to say out of Ray and Bob's ear shot.
I really hope you're okay, bro.
I sigh loudly and run a shaky hand through my greasy hair. That message wasn't as bad as I expected. There are two more to go, however.
Next unheard message:
Gerard, It's Ray.
There's another person that speaks up in the background and I can already guess who it is without Ray having to confirm it.
-And Bob. Look, we've been out looking for you all night. Bob and I just got back to your place but Mikey refuses to come home and get some sleep until he finds you. I've never seen him like this Gerard, he's a mess. He's really worried about you...hell, we're all really worried about you. Please come home, or at least call back.
I squeeze my eyes shut and fall against the bathroom door until I sitting on the cold, tiled floor, knees pressed up against my chest. I swallow the lump that is quickly forming in my throat and hesitantly press the button on my phone that will play the final message.
Next unheard message:
Oh no, I can tell from that one word and the sniffle that comes immediately after that Mikey's been crying.
Gee, where are you? Ray and Bob are asleep but I can't just go to bed without knowing where you are...knowing if you're okay or not. I went into your room, I know you hate it when I do that but I had to, and most of your stuff is gone. Your favorite skinnies, most of your band tees...your drugs.
I hear a loud sob escape Mikey's lips and that does it for me, I can't hold back the tears that have been blurring my vision any longer. They begin to flow down my sunken cheeks at a steady pace and only increase as the message continues.
I'm so sorry Gee, I didn't mean any of the things I said to you. I'm just so worried about you, bro. I can't lose you, you're all the family I have left, I need you.
He tries to clear his throat and gives a sarcastic laugh that is void of all humor.
Listen to me, you're the one going through hell and here I am, only thinking about myself. Please, just come home. We can help you through this Gee, I promise. Just-just come back. Please.
The line goes dead and my phone informs me that I have no more unread messages. I throw my phone against the wall opposite me, not hard enough to brake it, but it'll probably have a nice crack or two now. I vent out all my agony and frustration by just letting out the sobs I've been trying to hold back. Thankfully the running water drowns out the sound, I wouldn't want Frank hearing me.
How could I do this to Mikey? My younger brother that's always put up with my depression and my stupid decisions. I know he needs me, but I can't go back home. Mikey may be hurt that I left at the moment, but he'll soon realize that my absence will only do his life good.
He'll no longer have his morbid older brother weighing him down. He could go to school everyday without having to worry about me and fend off bullies who scream nothing but the truth at my pathetic being. He could make new friends easily, being the social butterfly that he is, and he'll no longer have to lose any on account of they shun him for being the school freak's younger brother.
For once, I'm not thinking of myself, even though I want this too. No, i 'need' this desperately. I can't handle waking up every morning and having to force myself out of bed to face the world with this heavy weight on my shoulders, making me resent everything and everyone.
The steam on the bathroom mirror ha begun to clear up now that the water isn't running hot anymore, so I shut it off and head back to the sink. I eye the container of pills on the counter for a moment, wondering how many more I can take without over dosing, because I don't want to die. Not yet. I figure two more won't hurt and swallow them quickly before I can change my mind.
My vision has begun to soften and everything feels right in the world again. I walk out of the bathroom and glance towards the bed where Frank is fast asleep, as I imagined. I walk towards the television and switch it off, careful not to wake him. I take a minute to take in the heart wrenching sight of Frank cuddled up against a pillow, mouth slightly open, hair falling over his face and brushing against his perfectly shaped cheek bones.
I lean against the bed and gently tuck the hair behind his ear. A small sigh of contentment escapes his moist lips and he smiles in his sleep before sinking deeper into the pillow. I pull the blanket over him and force myself to walk away from this beautiful sight before I do something stupid. I pick up my jacket from the floor and head towards the door, not really knowing where I'm going, just knowing I have to get the fuck out of this room.
In any other situation, if I weren't such a fuck up, if I weren't drowning in my depression, if I could handle the shit my life has dealt me, I'd do everything I could to get Frank Iero into my arms. But I can't, I've already ruined too many peoples lives to ruin his as well. This innocent seventeen year old has his whole life ahead of him, I have on the other hand, have merely weeks.
It scares me how depressing my writing comes out sometimes.
Oh well, hopefully you guys enjoy it anyway.
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