With her I was a man. It was without her that I was the monster.
"I like that name... it's simple." Gerard said, reaching over to pet the small kitten. When I'd placed him in to the cat carrier he'd gone insane, meowing for freedom. On my lap he was being the perfect angel. "Is that one of the names you had picked for a kid?" He asked, grinning childishly.
"Huh?" I asked, confused. "I've never really thought of kids... the future is so far away." I couldn't keep the sadness out of my voice.
"Oh come on, you're seventeen. Don't seventeen year old girls have all of their future planned? The dream wedding, the number of kids,etc? I know Mikey had that all planned by seventeen." he said, laughing.
"Did you?" I asked, wanting to hear more about a younger Gerard.
"Nah. I wasn't really in to stuff like that at your age." Gerard said, smiling. "I had other things on my mind."
"Like what?" I wanted to know more about him! Why was he making it so hard?
I noticed his hands tighten upon the steering wheel but his voice didn't give away any change in emotion. "Music mainly."
"You haven't told me... How old are you?"
"You never asked."
"I just did." He was dancing around every question I had. That had to stop. I needed to know more about Gerard. More than that... I needed to know his motives.
I was surprised as the car stopped moving. We were at Gerard's already. "I'm 23. Does that bother you?"
"Should it?" What were we? I really wasn't sure anymore. He was protecting me from my family and he didn't even know it. It seemed as if he was protecting me from more than that though. What was he so afraid of? I already knew his darkest secret, didn't I?
Gerard leaned forward, brushing his lips past mine again. "Before... you wanted me to kiss you, didn't you?" He asked, staring directly in to my eyes. I felt as if he could see in to my soul. How could I be so stupid, thinking that I could hide anything from this man?
He knew I knew. How?
"I-" I couldn't answer.
"But you were afraid because you're afraid of me." Gerard said, once again leaving my lips untouched. "And until you realize that you shouldn't be afraid of me... I won't be kissing you anymore, though I will admit I want to."
I sat in place as Gerard got out of the car. My heart was beating quickly. I barely noticed he had opened my door and then he was taking Jack from me. I sat in place as he took all of Jack's things as well.
Finally I got out, closing the door behind me. I followed him to the open door, walking inside. His home felt like home to me. I couldn't deny that. I felt safe with him. "Why does what I feel matter?" I asked, finding him in the living room.
Gerard stepped closer to me, letting Jack run free on the ground. "How can it not matter?" He asked, his tone darkening. "How can I kiss you, knowing that you're frightened of me?"
"But you know why I'm frightened." I stated, slightly confused.
"Because I'm older?" Gerard asked, sounding just as confused.
Oh god, he had no idea. He didn't know that I knew what he did to people. He didn't know that I knew about his murderous habits.
I felt myself begin to panic slightly. I didn't want him to know! "Why were you mad when I called home?" I finally asked, seeing as how that had been on my mind. Would he come clean? Would he tell me the truth? In all reality... That's all I wanted. I wanted him to tell me for himself. I wanted him to trust me in a way that allowed him to be honest with me.
Gerard's shoulders slumped, "I don't want to lose you." He finally admitted. "What kind of parents would allow their seventeen year old to continue living with a twenty three year old man?" ... That made sense.
"But why?" I stepped a little closer, staring in to his eyes. I'd never felt so close to another person in my entire life as I did to Gerard. "Why is it so important that I stay?"
"The world is a lot more dangerous than you know." Gerard whispered, looking away. "I don't want you to see what is out there."
"You think you can stop me from seeing all of the bad?" I asked, confused. "It's everywhere Gerard. I see it every single time I turn on the television, every single time I look at an article, every time I step outside... There are just some things you can't keep hidden." Like the fact that you murder people. Just tell me!
"I can try." Gerard breathed out, leaning down. "What's more important Rian; Saving yourself or letting me in?"
I pressed my lips against his, gently yet firmly. "I could ask you the same thing." I replied, pulling away.
"Let me in." Gerard pleaded, placing his hands upon my hips. "And I'll keep you safe." This had suddenly taken a turn for the more intimate.
"I don't want to be safe." I admitted, feeling my back hit the wall. "I just want to be with you."
Gerard's eyes lit up. I couldn't quite place the emotion I was seeing but it was beautiful. It was filled with hunger and then his lips were upon mine again. "Not here." He whispered, voice deep with lust. "Let's go to the bedroom."
Rian's laughter broke my concentration and I pulled away in confusion, "What's so funny?" I asked, staring at her.
Rian smiled, biting her lip. "I'm ticklish right there." She admitted, blushing.
I laughed, "Your collarbone is ticklish?" I had been kissing her.
"Yeah." Rian said, sitting up. I pulled her body to my own, shuddering in delight. She felt so good against me. It just felt so right... and we hadn't even started yet.
I began to kiss Rian's neck, taking it slow to ensure that she was ready.
Suddenly Rian pulled away, looking just as confused as I felt. "This has all been really weird." She finally said, staring at me. "What does this mean to you?"
"I..." I licked my lips, "You mean a lot to me." Was that what she was asking?
"Meaning you want to sleep with me and then... then what?" Rian asked, looking nervous. "I've never done this before Gerard. I actually kind of imagined that there would be some giant sign that would say 'you're ready!' I don't see that sign though and I'm pretty sure it's not going to show up..."
"I could make a sign." I joked.
Rian smiled, "I think I want to do this with you but I don't know what it means and I don't want it to mean nothing." She was so fucking cute when she got nervous.
I looked down for a second, toying with her hair. "It means everything..." I suddenly trailed off, staring back up at Rian. My breath caught as I thought over Mikey's words. What was I going to do? Come back to bed with Rian after finding myself another victim? With horror I remembered how vulnerable Rian looked with blood smeared in her hair, how scared she was of me... She complicated everything and what if I... what if I lost control? Suddenly I pushed myself back, stumbling off of the bed.
"Gerard?" Rian's worried voice flooded my head as I closed my eyes, trying to push violent urges away. I was a monster. I wasn't a man. I was just a fucking monster.
"Gerard! What's wrong?" Rian asked, sounding panicked. Her soft fingertips brushed through my hair, soothing me.
Would she ever be safe with me? "I want you." I finally said, looking back up at Rian. "But I don't want to hurt you."
Rian smiled, reaching for my hand. I placed it in hers. "I don't want to hurt you either." What did she mean by that? As I looked in to her eyes I could tell she was keeping something from me but... I was keeping something from her too. I had no idea how either of us were making it through this severely cryptic conversation. We each seemed to follow as well as we could though, with no extra questions plaguing us. What if life could always be this simple? The feel of Rian's skin against my own skin. For eternity, I wouldn't mind that at all. What if that was all that mattered? The feel of her. The feel of me. Together we felt alright. Apart, I was just a monster.
Slowly, I was starting to realize... With her I was a man. It was without her that I was the monster. How does one balance that?
(Shucks. I meant for this chapter to be a lot deeper. It just came out cryptic and cheesy. I really hope everyone didn't absolutely hate it. I was stuck between having something intimate happen and... just having them talk. It's been long enough however. I figured it was about time they both faced their feelings. I've re-written this three times. Nothing felt right so this is the end result. Tell me what you think? I'm quite nervous actually.)