Is Gerard and Frank's relationship breaking apart? What will push Frank to his limits this time?
Everything I did to Gerard yesterday ran through my mind over and over. I had never hurt someone as bad as I had hurt him and it was tearing me apart inside. I had completely fucked up our friendship- that was almost certain. I found it hard to control my actions and emotions when I was around him, but I didn't want to hurt him. Not again. Sometimes good things just appear out of nowhere and you have to make the most out of it while it last because they don't stick around for long. Gerard was one of those things.
Now, not only did I have mine and Gerard's friendship on the line- I also had my mom's watchful eye looking over me more closely. She said that if anything like that every happened again she would be straight back on the phone to my counsellor. It was unfair, she knew I found it hard in social situations yet she still blames me for acting like this.
Anyway, I was grounded again so I was left waiting for Gerard to knock on my door. He wasn't sitting outside his house like he usually was. Maybe he didn't want to be my friend anymore. I wasn't allowed to leave the house so I couldn't go and knock for him myself. I guess my life was back to how it had always been before: lonely and boring. I sat at the window just waiting and wanting him to appear from his house and cross the road to free me from my boredom but I guess I was waiting for something that would never happen.
"Get out!" a female voice screamed from outside. My head jerked up and I saw Gerard get pushed out of his own home by the lady I saw a few days ago. She looked angry; Gerard had obviously done something really bad.
I waited for the lady to disappear back inside the house and I sneaked out the front door without my mom seeing. In fact, I didn't know if she was even home. I hurried across the road to Gerard who was sitting on his doorstep; his face was red and tear stained.
"What happened?" I said quickly without thinking.
"Nothing." he snapped as he wiped the tears from his face.
"Doesn't look like just 'nothing'" I said sternly.
"It was nothing." he said again, turning away from me.
I didn't know whether I should make him talk to me or just leave it so I went for the easier option and kept my mouth shut.
"I don't want to stay here. Let's go somewhere else." Gerard said quickly, grabbing my arm and pulling me down the road. I looked down at his hand on my bare arm and noticed the bandages wrapped tightly around his hand from where he grabbed the razor and stopped me from hurting myself. As my mind cast back to yesterday my insides lurched with the feeling of guilt.
We headed down to the river behind my garden. Nobody knew about it, it was one of the few places I liked to spend my time alone. The trees above sheltered the water from the sun and the water flowed freely and calmly. It was very relaxing to come here. I used to come down here after a shitty day of school. I don’t know what made me take Gerard down here. I had never shown anyone this river before, it had always been my place. But I guess now I wanted it to be mine and Gerard’s place.
We untied our shoes and rolled up the bottom of our jeans and I ventured into the cool water.
“Coming in?” I laughed as the water numbed my feet. Gerard looked at me for a few seconds before stepping slowly into the icy water.
“Shit!” he hissed once he had fully submerged both his feet.
“Cold?” I giggled. His eyes lit up as he nodded and smiled at me. He had a beautiful smile.
We splashed the freezing water at each other as we laughed. The sharp stones under our feet cut into our skin but we ignored it because we were having fun and that is something I hadn’t had in a long time. I pulled my soaked shirt off and threw it onto the muddy river bank. The water on my skin felt refreshing in the hot summer sun.
We were standing opposite each other trying to get one another soaked. I kicked the water as hard as I could with my bare foot and Gerard was showered in the stuff. He stumbled back to try and avoid getting drenched but slipped in the mud and landed flat out on his back and under the water. I helped him onto his feet and he climbed out onto the river bank in uncontrollable fits of laughter. He lay down on the mud and closed his eyes as the gentle summer breeze ruffled his damp hair. I sat by him and watched his gentle breathing.
“Today has been really fun.” He smiled. “Thank you.”
“No problem.” I said breathlessly. “What was all that about earlier? You know, with your mom.” I asked inquisitively. His whole body stiffened and he sat straight up. I instantly regretted mentioning it.
He avoided my eyes as he spoke. “Nothing….It was nothing.” He hissed. He looked at me as if he wanted to say something. I watched as he opened and closed his mouth as he tried to figure out the best way to say what he wanted. “Can I stay at yours tonight?” he asked finally. “Don’t worry if you don’t want me to. I will understand. It’s just… I don’t want to go home yet. I want to stay with you.”
No one had ever stayed overnight at mine before. Well someone had once a few years, but I had hurt them and my mom said it was best if I never invited people for the night again. But this time I wasn’t inviting him, so I guess it would be okay.
“Thank you so much.” He grinned. He hugged me around the shoulders tightly. No one had ever hugged me before. It made me feel funny inside. It wasn’t a bad feeling but it made me feel awkward and embarrassed. I pushed him away, slightly too hard and he smiled weakly at me as he reached for his converse.
I threw my wet shirt over my shoulder and pulled my trainers on over my damp feet. We walked back to mine through a less shaded area of the forest. The sun shone down through the gaps in the trees and the forest looked a lot more beautiful than it normally would. We crossed a fallen log that had fallen over the deeper part of the river and finally we were back to where I had pulled down the fence so I could get to my garden. We climbed over the broken wood and headed across the green lawn until we reached the house.
“Do you want to go home and get some clean clothes?” I asked as I pushed the back door open.
“No. It will be fine.” Gerard said dismissively.
We headed up to my room and I put the radio on full volume. Not Now by Blink-182 blasted through the speakers. It was one of my favourite songs; I knew the whole song on guitar. It was one of the first songs I had ever learnt. I grabbed my oldest guitar from where it was hanging on the wall and plugged it into my amp and began to play along. Gerard obviously liked this song too as he began to sing along to every word. We laughed and smiled as we pretended we were rock stars- dancing and jumping around the room. As Gerard sang I listened to his vocals carefully. He had an almost flawless voice, he was an amazing singer whether he realised it or not.
I joined in singing too. Although my Tom DeLonge accent wasn’t quite as good as his was:
Please save me this time I cannot run,
And I'll see you when this is done.
And now I have come to realize,
That you are the one who's left behind.
We sang at the top of our voices and I turned my amp up full volume. Gerard grabbed the drumsticks from my bedroom floor and began to beat the shit out the drums. He laughed as he hit random drums in random beats.
“You suck!” I laughed. He threw the sticks back to the floor in an over- dramatic diva tantrum. And we began to sing again:
Please stay until I'm gone,
I'm here hold on
to me I'm right here waiting.
And take my one last breath,
And don't forget that I will be right here,
The song finished and we both collapsed on the bed out of breath. I dumped my guitar on the floor and kicked the radio off with my foot. I looked at over him. His cheeks were all rosy and his forehead was sweaty. His chest moved up and down as he panted. I felt that weird feeling in my stomach again.
“Hungry?” I asked sitting up to try stop that weird feeling, but it didn’t go away no matter how hard I tried to ignore it.
“Very.” He laughed.
We headed into the kitchen and searched every cupboard for any sign of anything at all edible. I managed to find a box of stale Froot Loops which we decided would just have to do for now. I grabbed a large salad bowl and emptied the contents of the cereal box into it. Gerard switched the radio on and some song we didn’t know the name of blasted through the kitchen. I grabbed the milk from the fridge and danced back over to Gerard.
I tried to lift he heavy milk bottle to the bowl but it was no good. It was too full and I wasn’t strong enough.
“Let me.” Gerard giggled. He picked up the bottle from my hands and began to pour the white liquid effortlessly. I felt my cheeks grow hot with embarrassment and tried my best to ignore the urge to flip out. Once the bowl was full, I pushed the bottle away but the milk just spilt all over the counter and the floor.
The milk was everywhere- all over the floor, all over the work top. I looked up and Frankie’s face. He looked angry. Very angry. He lifted his hand but this time I was ready for his punch and I flinched out of the way.
“W-why did you do that?” he stuttered agitatedly.
“Why did you flinch like that?” he asked again. I looked down at his hand which was holding a roll of kitchen paper. His hands gripped it so tightly his knuckles were white. “Did you think I was gonna hit you?” he asked sternly. I looked away from his face and down at the floor.
“I…I…you looked mad. I don’t know. I am sorry Frankie.” I said quickly. I glanced up at his face which was now a slightly more natural colour but his eyes were filling with tears.
“I don’t blame you, Gerard.” he said quickly. He dropped the kitchen paper to the floor and ran out the room. I jumped over the milk and ran after him but he was already gone.
“Gerard? Is that you? Is everything okay?” Came a female voice from behind me. I turned around to see Frank’s mom appear from the front door. She closed it quickly behind her and dumped her shopping bags on the floor. “Did Frank hurt you again?” she asked.
“No…I…I am just leaving now.” I said quickly. I hurried past her and opened the door. “Oh, and sorry about the mess in the kitchen.” I said as apologetically as I could. I took a deep breath before jogging across the road and over to my house.
I was now back where I didn’t want to be. I wanted to be back with Frankie. I wanted to tell him I was sorry. I wanted to hug him and tell him that I shouldn’t have acted that way. My house stood tall and threatening in front of me, I didn’t want to go inside and face everything I had managed to escape from. How could I go back to Frankie’s house now?
I watched as Gerard stood helplessly in front of his own home. He kept lifting his hand to ring the bell but pulling it away instantly. He would occasionally look back to my house too. I didn’t want him to go but he obviously thought I was some sort of monster. I don’t blame him though. Sometimes I thought about myself in the same way.