I wanted him to love me so badly but I didn't know what love was, or if what I felt like with him even compared to what Love was supposed to be.
"Non!" No! "Elle est juste un enfant." She is just a child. "Permettez-moi de lui parler ..." Let me talk to her...
I listened to my Mother's frantic screams, as she tried to talk my Father out of his mood. This had happened before, never ending up in my favor. My legs were pulled to my chest. I had immediately changed in to a pair of my jeans but I'd kept Gerard's shirt on, the scent of him leaving me feeling safe... I knew the feeling was idiotic but it was all I had.
I was going to tell him I knew. I was going to tell him, despite however he would have reacted. I didn't care. I just wanted him to know. I wanted him to know that I still... really, really liked him, how he was, as who he was. Nothing could change the confusing way I felt about him. He was my hero, in a way.
The angry footsteps barely fazed me. I knew what was coming. I knew the minute I ran away from him that this time things would be worse. The rage, he kept so well hidden, but it was there. It was always there... Seventeen years of living with it had taught me what would happen when I tried to run from his rage. I could never be so stupid to think he wouldn't react violently when violence was all he knew.
"Gerard, calm the fuck down!" Mikey yelled, watching me pace back and forth.
I was holding my hand in pain, seeing as how it had just gone through the wall next to my door. "He just took off with her and something wasn't right..." I mumbled, feeling lost. "It wasn't right. He was hurting her. She didn't say anything but the way he was grabbing her... Mikey!" I suddenly glared in to his eyes, panicking. "I saw the bruises. She had bruises on her body the first night she stayed here with me." I shook my head as things fell in to place. "She was running away from home because he abuses her. He fucking abuses her."
Mikey breathed out, losing color in his face. "She never told you?"
I stopped pacing and looked at Mikey, on the edge of crying. "I was going to kill her Mikey." It was the truth. "It's why I brought her home."
Mikey nodded, "But you changed your mind..."
"No." I whispered, closing my eyes. "She changed my mind. She makes me... She makes me want to be a better person. She makes me want to make her happy." I couldn't handle her not being with me. "I'll kill him." My tone got deadly.
"Just wait." Mikey said, worried. "We don't know he's going to hurt her, or that he ever did."
"I know." I said, staring at Mikey. "I know he's hurting her right now and I'll-" My uninjured hand tightened as I made a fist. "I'll fucking kill him when I find him.."
"So, what is your big plan?" Mikey asked, staying in front of me. "Are you just going to check every single house in this town in an attempt to find her?"
"If I have to." I mean, what other choice was there?
Rian meant the world to me. What was I supposed to do, just let him hurt her? I couldn't. I was a monster but... I was willing to play hero to keep her safe, despite whatever it meant for my freedom. For the first time ever, my freedom didn't matter to me.
What was his last name? I remembered him telling me! I couldn't think straight but I had to remember. I had to see him, even if he simply turned me away. I'd caused him trouble. I didn't expect him to open his door back up, allowing me a safe haven once again. I knew most likely he'd take one look at me, cringe, and turn away. I looked awful. I felt awful.
I needed to tell him the truth though. For the sake of my emotions I had to be honest, even if he wouldn't be. What's more important; Saving yourself or letting me in? He'd saved himself the horrific thought of me turning away. I wasn't saving myself anymore. I would tell him. I needed him to know that I knew, even if he didn't want me near him.
My tired, aching legs carried me to the bathroom. The light flickered on and I looked away, disgusted with how I looked. This couldn't continue. Another round with my dad and I'd be done. I couldn't take another beating. They were getting worse. I felt as if I'd been hit by a bus. Everything ached. My face was already bruising, just hours later. It'd taken me this long to be able to stand. Each kick to my body left a feeling of hopelessness that I just couldn't shake. I felt as if I might never be okay again. The pain was unbearable, emotionally... Physically, I think I was starting to go numb. The pain was there but it didn't matter, not anymore. I didn't care. What was another hit?
I fell down, sighing as my ass hit the cold ground. "Gerard Way." I whispered, suddenly remembering.
"I still have something to tell you." I whispered, to the empty room.
Piper wasn't home. She was staying with my uncle. I had nothing else here to protect but myself and I was failing horribly. It was about time I did something that meant something. It was about time I was honest with myself. I cared for Gerard, so deeply. He needed to know, even if the beating for it was my last. I would make it to Gerard first.
"I will rip out his fucking stomach contents and shove them down his god damn throat..." Gerard hissed, standing near Mikey who was sitting on the couch. Gerard hadn't been able to relax enough to sit down. He was clenching his cell phone, even though he knew Rian didn't have his number.
Mikey wrinkled his nose, "Lovely imagery."
Gerard shrugged, "It's lovely in my mind. If she comes back with one fucking bruise... She's mine! She's mine, not his!"
"You're starting to sound a little creepy Gee." Mikey said, sighing. "Just sit down. She knows where you live, she knows where to find you..."
"But what if he won't let her?"
"How old is she?" Mikey asked, unsure if he ever knew. He figured from her Dad being mentioned that she wasn't quite old enough...
"17." Gerard said, quickly glaring at Mikey. "She's almost 18 so I don't want to hear it."
Mikey was about to say something sarcastic but stopped himself, realizing he didn't even know how old or young his mystery woman was.
The house phone rang loudly, startling both men. Gerard shrugged, "Let it go to voice-mail. It's somewhere in here... but I don't really feel like talking."
Mikey said nothing, waiting for the ringing to stop.
There was a beep and then a small, extremely quiet voice spoke. "Oh, uh hi. It's Rian. Well, um... I really hope this is the right number. It's the only Gerard Way I found... Wow, now I feel really stupid for calling. I kind of thought... I thought you'd pick up and you didn't so- um, I'm shutting up now. At least I tri-"
Gerard was frantically looking under couch cushions for the phone that he rarely used.
Mikey found it and picked up, smirking as Gerard glared at him. "Hello, dear Rian!" Mikey said, quite cheerfully.
The voice-mail stopped as Mikey hit the button, suddenly pacing as well. "No, this isn't Gerard. It's Mikey."
Gerard held his hand out, wanting to talk to Rian. Mikey shook his head. "Yeah, I can come pick you up or did you want Gerard to?"
Mikey paused, "Okay, okay... I will!" He was quiet for a second then spoke again. "I'll be there in a few seconds. Don't talk to anyone, don't trust dudes out there. You shouldn't even be out there alone." He sighed heavily, shaking his head. "Just stay where you are. I'm coming."
Mikey hung up, glancing at Gerard. "I'll bring her back here... She doesn't want you to come get her. She-" Mikey paused, "She sounded scared Gerard."
Gerard looked like he was going to cry. "Was she- Is she okay?"
"I don't know." Mikey said. "I guess we will see. I'll text you if we go anywhere before coming here."
Gerard nodded, "Why..." He swallowed. "Did she say why she didn't want me to come get her?"
"She did not." Mikey said, feeling bad as Gerard fell silent.
I was nervously shaking when a car pulled up in front of me. To my relief it was Mikey who got out. "Rian?" He called, coming around his car.
I looked away, knowing what he would see. "I just... wanted to see Gerard again. I have to tell him something." I said, realizing the only reason I'd asked Mikey to pick me up was because I was terrified of what Gerard would say when he saw me. Would he call me weak, or just think it? I'd let my Father push me around for far too long...
"Fuck." Mikey muttered, standing in front of me. "Are you-" He paused, not finishing the question.
I smiled weakly, "I'm okay." I lied.
"Come on, why don't you at least sit down in my car?" Mikey asked, looking worried that I'd faint or something.
I brushed his hands away but walked with him to his car. He opened the door for me. "Thanks." I mumbled, sitting down.
I didn't look at him as he got in, shutting his own door.
"To Gerard's or?" He sounded nervous.
I was so afraid Gerard would see me differently, refusing to look past the bruises... Mikey was just making me more and more self conscious. "What exactly would 'or' be?" I asked, trying to sound friendly.
"Anywhere." Mikey said. "Want ice cream?"
"No, thank you." Just in time my stomach growled, betraying me.
"Sounds like you want something." Mikey responded.
"I just want to see Gerard." I whispered, nearly losing my voice. "Please, just take me to him."
Mikey didn't respond, starting his car.
I hadn't meant to come across rudely but I really... I really just needed Gerard. I needed to tell him before I lost my courage, because that was certainly something I lacked.
My phone hadn't vibrated yet I continued to check it, desperately waiting for some sort of update from Mikey. Where were they?
Then the front door opened and Mikey walked through. Where was Rian?
Mikey looked down, avoiding meeting eyes. "Gerard..." His tone gave away everything, something was obviously wrong. "Just breath dude." He instructed.
"Where is Rian?" I asked, glancing behind him nervously. The door was still open.
"She just wanted a few minutes to herself." Mikey replied. "She's out in the car. I just- I guess I stared. It annoyed her. Just don't, don't stare at her." Mikey sounded nervous, making me even more nervous than I had originally been.
"Why would I stare?" I asked, cautiously.
Then I saw movement and stared openly at the door as Rian walked in, shutting the door behind her. "Hi." She nervously said, smiling sadly.
"What.The.Fuck.Happened?" My heart sank as I stared at the bruises upon her face and arms. Was there a place she hadn't been hit?
"Can I-" Rian coughed, holding her chest like it hurt. I bet it did; It looked like everything on her hurt. What the fuck had he done to her? That bastard. "Can I just sit down for a second?"
"Of course." Mikey went towards her but she backed away, holding her hands up.
"I can sit by myself. I'm... okay." I could tell she was lying though. My beautiful liar, why would you lie about this?
"I hope I'm not imposing." Rian awkwardly said, "But I had to come back..."
Mikey spoke up, "You're never imposing here. Gerard- He's never going to turn you away." He spoke for me as I nodded in approval, staring blankly at the wall as I tried not to freak out openly. Rian really didn't need to be further traumatized but I could barely contain my anger.
"Gerard?" My voice sounded weaker than I'd intended but I hadn't had anything to drink since the night before, since being at Gerard's before my Dad came... My throat was sore, my body aching... I craved food, water, love? Was that what I had come to Gerard's for? I wanted him to love me so badly but I didn't know what love was, or if what I felt like with him even compared to what Love was supposed to be. When it came to that I was just as naive, if not more so, than any other seventeen year old.
The room had gone silent. Gerard was staring at the wall, aimlessly. Was he mad at me for coming back? I couldn't tell.
Mikey cleared his throat, "Gerard." He said, loudly.
Gerard looked at us questioningly, "Yeah?"
"Rian was trying to talk to you." Mikey said.
I shrugged, "No, not really... I just... Are you okay? Is this not okay?"
"What?" Gerard asked, face suddenly blank.
"Is me being here not okay?" I asked, feeling smaller with each passing second.
Gerard turned to look at Mikey. "Mikey... why don't you... go?" He said it slowly, as if trying to find a way to sound less harsh.
Mikey seemed to understand though. He stood and nodded at us both, "Call me if you need me. Either of you." He said, glancing at me for a second longer than necessary. I knew he was looking at my bruises again.
"Goodnight." I whispered, looking away. I didn't need to see the pity on either of their faces.
"Night." Mikey repeated, a hint of sadness in his tone. The door opened then closed, leaving Gerard and I in silence.
I jumped as Gerard's fingertips brushed against my bruised cheek gently. He crouched in front of me, looking me straight in the eyes. "You're always welcome wherever I am." Gerard said, brushing his fingers over my skin. "And I promise I'm going to make this all better. He's never going to touch you again." His words were deadly but I still was not frightened. Behind his eyes lay raw rage but I still saw the compassion overpowering any anger he had.
"I don't know why I kept trying to run away..." I whispered, realizing there was no more lying to Gerard.
He watched me, not interrupting.
"This time things were alright. My little sister- She's with my Uncle and I- I found you or you found me, I guess. I feel safe with you Gerard." I whispered, realizing just how cliche and ridiculous I sounded. It didn't matter though. He needed to know how I felt, even if I didn't understand.
"I want you to always feel safe." Gerard murmured, as I pressed my face against his hand. I was enjoying the warmth of his skin against mine.
"I knew it couldn't last but I never expected my Dad to find me, or to find you. I can't let you get in trouble, ever." Tears began to cloud my vision. "I don't want my problems to touch you." I reached out, brushing my own fingers against his skin. He smiled, allowing me to touch him. It felt intimate, just being in the same room with him. I'd never felt this way about anyone.
I laughed nervously, staring in to Gerard's eyes. "You're so perfect." A tear dripped down my cheek, followed by another. "And you're so sweet. I don't know why you didn't just kill me." Gerard breathed in deeply, almost pulling away.
Gerard looked away, blushing. It was such an innocent gesture, making him just a little more adorable. "You never forgot."
"I got the idea from you." I said, laughing awkwardly. "I mean, the pills or whatever Roger gave me made me naseous and un-coordinated but I didn't forget anything. I'll never forget what I saw but I'll never tell anyone."
Gerard looked at me, "I don't care if you do. You're free to tell anyone. I'd go to jail before hurting you." I believed him.
"Why?" I stared at Gerard, needing to know what he felt; if anything.
"I love you Rian." Gerard blurted out, sounding completely confident.
"L-love?" I choked upon the word, utterly confused.
Gerard nodded, "Love."
"How?" I shut my mouth, realizing I sounded stupid. "Fast." I blurted out a second word, realizing I hadn't even successfully put either of them in sentences. How can you love me so fast was what I'd meant but he seemed to get it.
"Love isn't something that is timed." Gerard said, watching me carefully. "It's just something you feel."
"I'm scared." I admitted.
"Of me? I swear I won't hurt you. I'd never hurt you." Gerard said, passionately.
"I'm scared of what I feel." It sounded so awful, so weak... but it was the truth. "And I'm not even sure what it is that I feel."
"Those are both completely normal statements." Gerard said, grinning. "I love you. It doesn't mean that you have to love me back right now."
How was he so completely perfect?
Gerard then stood, "I'm going to grab an ice-pack for your face." I hoped I'd never have to hear that again... but at least Gerard wasn't turning away from me.
He even... He might actually love me.