"That's alright love" he tells me smiling.
I look down and start playing with my fingers, I can feel a pulse in my wrist but I can't cut.
I want to stop so badly, it's my worst addiction, I grab my backpack, swing it on and run out the big cafeteria doors and out the big double doors of Pencey Prep; I keep running and soon I'm in the forest (I told you the school looked like something out of a horror movie) and I sit on the ground, my hands are shaking again.
I take out my 'emergency kit', thats more of a 'self harm on-the-go kit'.
There's a pin, nail scissors, a razor blade, a pocket knife and a pen that's been chewed until its sharp.
"Don't" it's Criss, his voice is shaky and it scares the shit out of me. The box of sharp objects has been scattered across the dirt and I scramble to pick them up but I stop, my stitches are hurting, I lift the side of my jacket and my previously white shirt is now blood red.
"Steph... Are you alright?" he asks wearily, I nod slowly and he kneels beside me,
"We broke up"
I nod again.
He notices the blood on my hands,
"What's bleeding?" he asks
I unzip the jacket and show him, his face is horrified,
"Here, let me help"
I was sorta freaked out because I had to unbutton my shirt and under that was only my bra but he tried not to notice I was shaking again.
He used one of the spare bandages Blake makes me carry and wiped the blood off me and then he fixed another bandage on me, I realized that I'd been stabbed by the pointy-pen-bit and he just took off his shirt and let me wear it, I nodded a thanks and he smiled in return.
"W-What about y-you C-C-Criss?"
"I'll be fine, I'll wear this" he says pulling his crumpled blazer out from his bag; I had a feeling this was the first time that blazer has ever been worn.
"T-Thanks" I tell him as he helps to put all my objects back into the small box and stow it away deep down at the bottom of my backpack.
I fold up my blood stained shirt and wrap my jacket around it and throw it into my backpack, when I look up, he's smiling.
I frown, and he's moving closer, oh my god is he going to kiss me?!
I put my hand out in front of me and I'm pushing him back from his chest,
"You don't remember me do you?"
"Remember your old boarding school?"
"Yeah? A-All saints p-pr-prep, h-how did you-? oh s-shit, Cristopher!"
He smiles and he knows I remember.
When I was at the boarding school, me and Criss were going out. He used to sneak out at night into the grounds and climb the big tree to reach my window- I didn't have a room-mate so I'd either sneak out with him or let him in, except back then he had blonde hair and it was short, and he went by Cristopher.
Now behind his long black dreads I can barely see that beautiful face that I once loved, I lift cup his face in my hand and flick the dreads out of the way and looking into those emerald eyes, it's like a reflection of my own and I know I've hurt him.
"Criss! I'm- I'm so s-sorry!"
He blinks a few times, fast, like he's trying to remember or trying not to let past memories seep in.
He snakes his arm around my waist and kisses my cheek softly,
"You're here now" he whispers into my ear.
I frown, but is Blake the one for me or is it Criss?
"What the fuck?" Oh shit. It's Blake!
"What's going on?" he asks
I frown, "No-nothing"
Criss let's go of me and I feel empty again, having his warmth around me like old times felt right, he offers a hand for me and I take it and we're both facing Blake now, his face stony and hard. His clenched fist is so tight his knuckles are turning white.
"Where's your shirt?" Emily asks in a small voice from behind Blake,
"She's wearing it" Blake tells her
"Because she was bleeding all over her shirt!" he tells her,
"I- I thought yo-you broke u-up?" I say softly.
"We did" he tells me, staring at Emily strangely.
She blinks fast and tears fill her eyes and she takes a deep breath and stalks back up to the school.
I take a step but it's all blurry again, I'm not crying but I can't see.
Blake bends down and picks something up, he takes a few steps toward me and puts my glasses back on me, I can see right again,
"We should probably head back up" Criss says to break the awkward silence, I didn't look up from my feet but I knew they were both eying me wearily. My wrists weren't covered and I'd pulled the bandages off before, my ugly scars, my war wounds are visible so I cross my arms across my chest and I can't feel them staring anymore.
"T-Thanks C-Cristopher" I whisper as he turns to go to his class
"Cristopher?" it's Blake and he's laughing "No ones called you that since you got here!"
"Wh-what's the poi-point in m-making fun of h-him. Your n-name is Frodo as in B-Baggins f-from the S-Shire" I say angrily, my words fumble but I still come off confident and Criss smiles, kisses me cheek, "See you later" and then Blake's frowning and I feel bad,
"S-sorry, I j-just can't ta-take it w-when some-someone is be-being r-rude"
"Thats okay, IM sorry" he tells me, he takes my hand "Screw biology, anyway, let's jet" and then we're running and laughing and we just find an empty class and shut the blinds and sit in the darkness together,
"W-What d-do you thi-think we were me-meant to do in b-bio to-today?"
He sees my disgusted expression,
"Vegetarian?" he asks
"Y-Yeah" I nod,
"Same" he tells me.
"So what happened with you and Criss before in the woods?"
"He h-helped me r-re-remember"
"I- we used t-to go to t-the same b-boarding sc-school and we l-like went o-out and s-shit" I told him, but my eyes never met his, I kept my eyes on my hands in my lap. He takes my hand,
"Do you love him?"