So, after the greatest mcr show ever, a personal heart to heart with them and a ride in a purple lambo I managed to wind up in hospital again.
Typical of me to fuck it up, right?
I am wearing Gerard Way's jeans and Frank Iero's shirt I told myself as I pulled on the spare clothes they gave us. I was smiling a huge grin and I couldn't make it disappear, no not today.
I didn't bother putting my glasses or contacts on or tying up my wet hair I just left it, I came out of the bathroom and Blake was staring at my shoes.
Since I came to England, I'd worn my white, black, red and now purple docs-
"Six-Sixteen" I told him
"What?" Mikey asked
"How many?!" Blake says
"I have s-sixteen pairs o-of doc ma-martens" I say smiling
"Whoa" Blake laughs.
I really do, it's like I have one for every year I've kept myself living.
Then I was sitting between Mikey and Gerard at the table and across me was Frank (Ray and the drummer were still asleep). Frank mentioned something about being a former student of Pencey Prep as he did I was stirring my coffee. My spoon slipped out of my hand, Frank Anthony Iero walked the hallways of Pencey Prep?!
The spoon hit the mug and it shattered, before I could move the hot coffee burned through Gerard's jeans and my thighs were stinging! The coffee seeped through my bandages into my cuts and it managed to spill on my arms and wrists too and get to those cuts and I was in so much pain.
They made me jump in a cold shower and after that we went straight to the hospital.
Now I'm sitting in a hospital bed while Gerard and Frank are sitting on my left and Blake is on my right, everyone else either went for a cigarette, to go get coffee or to talk to a doctor.
There's a doctor talking to me but I'm hardly listening, I'm drifting off
"And the cuts on your arms and legs? You did that to yourself?"
I blink fast and nod real slowly, he gives a disapproving look and puts down the chart and leaves the room.
I'm really sad all of a sudden and tears fill my eyes, the greatness of depression! (sarcasm) Gerard looks up,
"Cuts?" he wasn't in the room last night when Mikey said it.
I'm so embarrassed.
I shut my eyes and tears stream down my face, and I'm wishing I could be swallowed up into a black abyss, I want to evaporate or become invisible but someone wipes my face and I'm back to reality. Away from the nightmares and the monsters that hide in the corners of my mind, I'm safe again.
"Are you alright?" it's Gerard
I'm shaking and my eyes were probably flickering and I'm feeling cold and alone even though the room is full again, I wrap the blanket around me tighter and Blake won't even speak to me now.
He saw the new cuts and I've disappointed him, now I feel even worse.
I lie on my side, away from them and my tears fall into the pillow and I'm biting my tongue so I don't make any sound.
The stitches on my lip are just annoying and I want to pull them out but I cant.
I shut my eyes again and I'm falling and then I'm flying over London and I'm home, I'm with Joey and I'm in his arms and were smiling again, but in reality I'm crying more now and I can't speak but I'm screaming though.
My eyes flash open and I gasp a deep breath of air quickly and hold my breath a second before I drift off again.
A day later I walk in the door at 'his' house,
"STEPHANIE JAKSON! Where have you been?!"
"My name i-is not J-Jakson!"
"Just because you go by your mothers doesn't mean your not my daughter"
"Shame. Then w-we would all be h-happier" I snap
"Where have you been?!" he repeats
"I went to a co-concert, then I s-stayed in the t-tour bus a night with t-the band..and B-Blake and then I-I was in hospital and n-now I'm h-here" and I go upstairs and collapse onto my bed making sure the door was shut behind me.
I slept for two days straight before Blake came over,
"You missed school today" oh, I forgot it was Monday,
"I w-was sleeping" I say honestly
"There's rumours you killed yourself"
"Of c-course there I-is"
"Tomorrow, can you wait for me to come here in the morning? I have one last tiny surprise"
I sigh, I'm getting used to his surprises,
"Okay" I say softly. He let's go of my hands softly before kissing my cheek and standing up, he kisses me one last time but instead I purposely tilt my head and it's no longer a cheek kiss.
"I have to go" he whispers on my lips. We kiss again and then he leaves, and the magic's gone, again too quickly.