So here we were, Frank and I, in my house, outside my bedroom door. We were alone in the house. I was scared.
We had been going out for a month now, so I wasn’t entirely sure why I was so scared about Frank seeing my room for the first time, when our house was empty save for the two of us, but there we were. But still. I didn’t know what to do, or say.
I couldn’t believe that Frank was going out with me. It was a shock everyday when I woke up to find a new text on my phone saying hey there beautiful, or can't wait to see you today, gorgeous, and I loved it. I never thought that anyone like Frank, the popular one who everyone knew and respected, would want to go out with a fat loser like me. But here we were, dating and completely comfortable with it.
Well, kind of comfortable. I still felt like something was too perfect. Something was bound to go wrong, it always did with me. I still hadn't told Frank about what had happened to me all those years ago, and I knew he was just waiting for me to tell him. Also, we hadn't really got to the stage in our relationship past heavy making out, as I still didn’t want Frank to see me without clothes on. I was completely paranoid that Frank would take one look at my unclothed, fat chest, and run away screaming. I was hideous and it would only take Frank so long to realise that.
“Here we go.” I said, pushing open the door to lead down to my bedroom. Frank smiled at me comfortingly and went down the steps. I followed soon after, wiping my sweaty hands on my oversized hoody. I was so worried that Frank was going to find some fault in the room that was practically where I spent all my time, besides school. I wanted to hang on to what we had as long as I could, and the idea that I might push away Frank somehow without meaning to scared the shit out of me.
No-one besides family had ever been down here before, so I was kind of curious about what Frank would think of it.
As I dropped into the room from the steps I immediately saw my bed, unmade with clothes and other shit scattered across it. I cringed. Thankfully, Frank wasn’t looking at my messy bed, he was too busy staring at the various posters and pictures I had drawn that adorned the walls.
He had a slight smile on his face, as he scanned the pictures and it suddenly reminded me of the picture I had drawn him last month when I had been ill and we had just started going out.
“Hey, umm… Frank? I just remembered I drew you a picture ages ago… do you want it?” Frank spun round, eyes wide with childish glee. I had never seen him look so juvenile and young, and it was really cute… And kind of hot.
“You drew me a picture?” he gasped, smiling widely. “I want to see it!”
I hurried over to my table in the corner of the room and started to sift through the various items of clothing and half finished sketches that had built up over the past couple of weeks. Finally, I found it, my eyes drawn to the scarlet red of the character in the picture.
I turned round until I was facing Frank again, who was looking at me excitedly. I was just about to pass him the picture when I froze. What if he thought it was shit? What if he didn’t like it? What if he just put on a front and said he liked it when in fact he hated it and then burnt it as soon as he got home?
Frank, sensing my hesitation, reached out and plucked the piece of paper from my hands. “Don’t you worry.” He said, turning the paper round the right way, “I’m sure it’ll be amazing.
I held my breath as Frank scanned the paper with a look of intense concentration until I couldn’t take it anymore.
“You don’t like it, do you? I can draw something else, its fine, I don’t mind, its shit anyway, I want it to be good for you, sorry for th-”
My words were cut off by Frank placing his lips softly against, effectively cutting off the stream of babble sprouting from my lips. He pulled back, picture still clutched firmly in his grasp and he smiled.
“Gee, it’s amazing. I've never seen anything like it, honestly I love it. I adore it. You’re so talented, and, did you draw me?” I flushed and looked at the floor.
“Yeah.” I admitted, feet skimming the carpet. “It’s just that I really like your outfit on your birthday, and I wanted to remember it. You looked really good that night.” I blushed again. What an embarrassing thing to admit to, seriously.
“Dude, I love the picture. It’s fucking awesome, I swear! You made me look so much prettier than I am though.” He teased.
I just stared at him. Frank was like a god on earth. And he thought that my crappy drawing made him look better? He was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. Compared to him I was fat, dull, and I probably wouldn’t ever stand near him were it not for the fact that he was the best thing ever to have lived.
“Frank, you're the most beautiful thing ever.” I mumbled, making Frank’s eyes soften.
“Thank you Gee. Thank you so much. You're amazing. Can I have a kiss now, will that show you my true appreciation of how much I love your drawing?”
I would never say no to one of Frank's kisses.
Frank reverently set down the drawing on the table before hooking his arms around my neck and bringing his lips to mine.
I loved kissing Frank, it was like every worry I had just suddenly left me, and I was nothing but a pile of mush in his arms. My hands were clutching at his hips, and I didn’t care about anything, just the feel of his lips on mine, his tongue in my mouth making my knees go weak.
Frank pulled away. “You're so beautiful Gerard. So much prettier than me.”
I was shocked at this statement. I was nowhere near as god looking as he was. I had so much excess fat; I never slept so I had rings permanently encircling my eyes; and he thought I was better looking than I was?
Before I had a chance to retaliate Frank brought our lips back together, smothering my train of thought. He bit my bottom lip, and I groaned embarrassingly loudly before I could stop myself. Frank didn’t comment on it, instead he just brought us closer.
Frank tasted so good, like cigarettes and coffee, and I was pretty sure that what I tasted of as well. I was lost in him.
At least I was until Frank abruptly pulled back and tugged off his t-shirt, exposing the pale skin underneath. My breath hitched.
There Frank was, standing naked from the waist up in front of me. He was so perfect that I almost couldn’t look at him. Almost. I raked my eyes hungrily across his body, taking note of the couple of tattoos scattered across his torso.
Frank twirled the t-shirt on his finger before it flew off his finger and landed somewhere in my room. “Like what you see?” he teased, posing slightly before cupping his hands round my face again and kissing me. My hands involuntarily wrapped round him so I could splay my hands across his back and touch his bare skin as much as I could. Frank’s skin was gorgeous. It was soft, unlike his hands, and it was s warm and inviting.
I melted into his kiss, shivering when his back arched against my fingers. Frank broke the kiss, spittle on his lips and he began to kiss down my chin before attacking my neck. As he bit my neck lightly, he managed to find a particularly sensitive part above my hoody and my ear. I let out another moan as he bit down and he chuckled in response, before biting down even harder and dragging another harsh whimper from my lips. The feel of his lips on my neck made me drag my blunt fingernails across his shoulders and he trembled at the feel of it. It felt so fucking good.
Frank slowly pushed me backwards until we reached my bed and he sat us down, still attached to me neck. My hands were grasping at any piece of Frank I could find.
Frank's hands slowly made their way down from my face, past my arms and to the bottom of my hoody where he began to play with the edge of it. I sucked in a gasp of air and pulled away, shoulders suddenly tense.
“Frank I can't.” I whispered. “I don’t want you to see me.”
Frank's fingers stilled. He pulled back to look me in the eye, his lips kiss swollen and his eyes deadly serious.
“Gerard.” He began quietly, holding my gaze until I was forced to look away in shame.
“Gerard, you are beautiful. I think you are the most perfect thing I have ever set my eyes upon and nothing can stop me from thinking that. I don’t want to force you to do anything, but Gerard, fuck, you won't repulse me. I'm not going to walk out. You are the best thing that’s ever happened to me, and I don’t want to leave you just yet. I just with you could see what I’m seeing because it’s so stunning I can't stop looking at it.”
And just like that, Frank's words calmed me down. I believed him like nothing else. I trusted him.
Slowly, I reached down and placed my hands across his, and together we pulled off my hoody, taking my t-shirt with it. I had never been so underdressed in front of somebody in years, not even my brother, and I immediately wanted to cover myself up with my hands, hide the rolls of fat and the scars left from before.
Just as I was bringing my hands up to cover my body Frank reached out and lightly held them in his grasp.
“Beautiful.” He repeated. I didn’t believe him, but I accepted the compliment nonetheless.
I let Frank gently push me back on my bed and he clambered on top of me, lips pressing against mine once again.
It was like Frank couldn’t get enough of my bare skin, he kept breaking away to kiss my shoulders, my neck, stomach, anything in reach of his lips. The feeling was divine and I could do nothing more than lie there and whimper every time he found a new place to lick, bite and suck.
The feeling of me with Frank was so different to those of the rapists, nothing could compare the two. Frank was firm but so exceedingly gentle at the same, brushing his fingers against my skin in comforting strokes. I had never felt so special in my life, and it almost got to the point where I didn’t care about how my body looked in front of Frank. Almost.
“Gerard.” Frank ground out with his lips sucking against my ribs. “Gerard you're way too fucking thin.”
That jolted me out of my reverie like nothing before. “Are you taking the piss?” I demanded, sitting up straight and looking at him straight in the eye. He slid off my lap and sat with his back to the wall, legs over mine.
“Of course not! Why would I lie about that? Gerard, look at you!” He answered, gesturing towards my body. I did as he said.
We obviously weren’t looking at the same person, because all I could see was the sickening rolls of fat, the flesh that needed to go. I abruptly felt guilty for eating more over the past month than I had ever done in my life. I didn’t need it, and it showed. I was a fucking monster.
“Frank. Stop it, I'm fucking huge; please don’t draw my attention to it. I know that already and it fucking sucks without you pretending I'm thin. Why do you have to lie about these things?”
Frank looked shocked, mouth opening and closing like a goldfish before he got a hold on his features. I reached out behind me and my fingers found my pillow. I tugged it out from under my duvet and wrapped it round my body. It was the closest thing I had to conceal my disgusting figure.
“But Gerard.” Frank stuttered, looking perplexed as to what he should say. “You're so skinny. I can see every one of your ribs, and no hipbones should stick out like that. You have a problem Gee, you need help.”
That statement enraged me for a reason that I wasn’t entirely sure what it was.
“Frank!” I shouted. “Stop lying! I don’t have a problem, there’s nothing wrong with me except the fact that I’m overweight, okay? Just… Just get out.” I whimpered, holding the pillow even more firmly to my body.
Frank made a move towards as if to touch my hand and I flinched back, out of his reach. “Get out!” I repeated. “Get out and fuck off, I don’t want to see your face if you're just going to lie to me. Go away, leave and I don’t want to see you again. I never what to see you again!”
Frank looked appalled, but he still slowly made his way off the bed and found his t-shirt that was discarded on the floor, tugging it over his head. He began to make his way up the stairs but he turned round just as he put his foot on the first carpeted step.
“Gerard. I would never lie to you. But you won't believe me because you're too deluded with your own thoughts. You just need to work that out for yourself.” He said quietly and with that, he left my room, shutting the door inaudibly behind him. I waited until I heard the slam of the door being shut before I shakily got out of bed and made my way to the full length mirror in the corner of my room.
I didn’t know what Frank could see, but it sure as hell wasn’t what I saw. I just saw a gigantic monster who looked dead inside. I was pretty sure I hadn't looked so corpse-like ten minutes earlier. I couldn’t even cry at the fact that I had just told Frank never to come back into my life. Instead, my legs gave way beneath me and I folded to the floor, any kind of coherent thought leaving me until I was just an empty husk, unable to do anything right.
At least when I was raped it hadn't been my fault.